2013

There's a new year coming around the corner which of course causes me to pause and reflect upon 2013. what a crazy crazy year.  Many things happened this year that I would like to remember, many that i would like to forget.  Let's start at the beginning shall we?

January: I started dating again.  My last, last ex and I broke up in October and I spent a good majority of the rest of 2012 trying to piece my life together again.  I also booked my flight to Europe.  I decided that 2013 was the year for getting shit done. In January I signed up for OK cupid and started dating again.  Nothing big at first, just a few dates like coffee or a walk with a few guys.  This number slowly dwindled down to two, J and K.  They were complete opposites.  One was sweet and caring, thoughtful, innocent, naive. The other was a total player and womanizer and honestly I'm not entirely sure why I dated him but there you have it.  A good boy and a bad boy.

February:  Good Boy K took me out for valentine's day to this bar/restaurant in lil tokyo.  it was actually quite lovely. Bad Boy J asked me to be his girlfriend, I said no.  Said I wasn't ready for a relationship blah blah blah. I don't really remember anything significant happening in February other than the progression of life.  Also obsessively reading books and planning my Europe trip.  and by planning I mean trying to decided between which awesome place and which stupendous place i wanted to see.

March:  O V why, why must you do this to yourself. This was the month that I dumped good boy k.  not sure why i did it.  i met his friends for the first time and they were all wonderful ppl.  just really good people for a really good boy.  i honestly think its cause the sex was bad.  or maybe it was because he was too innocent and pure for someone as fucked up as me to ruin.  but i guess i already did that..brava v brava. This was also the month the bad boy j went to thailand.  we skyped while he was over there and i thought i really liked him.  mind u this was after he decided he wanted to dump me cause i didnt give him enough blow jobs and i told him to go fuck himself and then he called me back a few days later saying sorry and that he really liked me.  why do i always fall for that shit.  anyway made a mistake, dumped good boy and stuck with bad boy..classic.

April:  hahahha this is the month that my last last ex and i started talking again.  he basically came to me said he was sorry for how things ended and that i was right and that we should be friends.  i was cautious at first but turns out he is one of my good friends.  guess when u spend that much time with someone its hard not to know them.  this was also the month right before europe..so i spent almost every waking and sleeping moment thinking about my adventures.  i was restless, excited, i could barely keep my composure at work.  i was just soo soo incredibly happy to be leaving the country it seemed that all other problems atm were just so trivial.

May: I went to Europe!!! yes for the whole month of may  I went to europe.  started with my sister's graduation which was epic.  dude private school campus is like freaking gorgeous.  im so proud of her and all the things she's accomplished, cannot wait til she finished her master's program and starts saving the world.  Then I flew to Barcelona.  It was cold and wet and beautiful.  I landed, got on a bus, found my hostel, map in hand and set off on the biggest adventure of my lifetime.   there were times i got horribly lost, thought i was gonna die, didn't have anywhere to sleep, traveled back in time, had a whirl wind romance, touched history, witnessed kindness beyond anything i can explain, and felt kissed by the world.  It was the most amazing experience and though I will travel in the future I will most likely never get to experience again.  After all, nothing is like your first.

June:  I came home all full of zest from my recent journey and everything was wonderful.  I was literally living on a life high and I felt like NOTHING was gonna get me down!! I soon started to lose interest in bad boy j cause, well, he's a bad boy and esp after a couchsurfer moved in with him for 2 months.  long story short her and i became friends, went clubbing together, she crashed at my place, took care of my turtles.  then he decided to fuck her.  so i dumped him, dumped her, was like fuck this shit and went back on ok cupid.  i swear that site is addicting.

July: on of my childhood friends got married!!! it was part of the fourth of july weekend that i spent in norcal, wedding, bbq-ing, shenanigans. It was awesome seeing all those old friends again and reconnecting.  i was still riding high from my eurotrip and recent shedding of horrible bad boy and i rekindled a weird kinda flame with a friend from high school.  anyways, turns how he was moving to michigan and so we decided to talk and skype while he was in france and stuff and we started talking like...a lot.  July 27, 2013 was also the first time I met my most recent ex, D.  I wasn't expecting much honestly but turns out he surprised me, he was magnificent.  and now i had a tough choice to make.

August:  I realize now that most of my blog is made up of me and my boys. Let's get one thing straight.  I have lots of exciting things that happen on a day to day basis with my friends and my adventures.  But these are with people that aren't going anywhere.  The boys in my life are the only ephemeral part.  Everything else, the friends, the family, the parties they all stay the same so there's not much to blog about. I know what to expect from them and they know what to expect from me.  And i love them and I will always love them and i hope they don't show up in this blog because that means something significant has changed in our relationship.  anyway august i started dating D.  I went on a vegas trip with my high school friend that turned into a giant fiasco that I will not get into the details of here but basically he hates me now.  I did not know that at the time so I was happily fallin in love with D.  We went everywhere, disnelyand, magic castle, the body exhibit, we had date after date.  he told me the most wonderful things.  that i was amazing, that he was smitten, that i was the most interesting girl he's ever dated.  so many wonderful things.  i though wow...my life is finally turning around. random eurotrip, great job, great condo, finally healthy again...AND a wonderful guy...well paint me pink and call me silly cause i was HAPPY.

September:  September was a lot like august.  it was a little hard because D decided that instead of taking 3 classes he wanted to take 5 and start a full time job.  great for him, he needed it, he would be wonderful at it, i warned him that i was worried our relationship would suffer...and it did.  no more dates, no more wonderful days spent in the sun, just tired. always tired. and i tried, i really did try to be ok with it...but seeing him made me so happy...and i began to feel like he didnt want to see me, which made me start to panic.

October:  HALLOWEEN!!! the kick off to a seemingly wonderful holiday season!  for halloween D and I met up with my friends from Norcal for ghost ship, my first rave.  it was awesome. and cold...sf is cold...i went as leeloo and he went as korbin dallas.  we were such a hit at the party it was fantastic.  he said "something clicked while we were in norcal."  not sure what he meant but im pretty sure it clicked off.  anyway friends from norcal also came down to go to mickey's halloween party with me.  D couldn't make it cause he had class. that should've been my first clue.  he would never turn down disneyland for class....he just didnt want to hang with me all night.  fine whatever, i had a blast.  we went as tigger, pooh, and eeyore.  it was awesome, i did my face all up in make up and one of the kids asked for my autograph though i couldnt give it to her.  so innocent, so happy, not knowing.  oct 31 halloween night socal friends and D and I went to weho.  D and i had our biggest fight yet.  he went home.  i was alone...and the rest is an all too familiar story.

November:  my birthday and turkey day.  november is a weird month for me.  many many times i have had wonderful birthdays and many many times i have had horrible ones.  this year on my birthday i found out that D, my seemingly perfect boyfriend, is a pothead.  i found out because he was in the middle of sorting out a drug deal for pot during my birthday dinner.  and maybe its not as bad as it sounds but thats what it sounded like to me.  a few days later i went to vegas because i was so upset over the fact that he didnt invite me to his friends birthday party even though it was a totally casual party that anyone couldve gone to.  that shouldve been my second clue.  hello v, if he doesnt want u around his friends he doesnt want u...doi.  anyway went to vegas, came home, had a fight about weather...literally weather...wtf...next day he came over to talk..he dumped me.  in a mad desperate scramble i switched my turkey day plans to hanging with my girlfriends instead of spending it with D because..well because he dumped me.

December:  this month is almost over..most of it involved a lot of drinking a lot of crying and a lot of me trying to get out of the house so as to prevent all the crying.  I feel lost right now.  I had so much fervor at the beginning of the year and i had that eurotrip to sustain my thirst for adventure.  now...well i dunno now all i want is my old life back . there were many things he said to me that i dare not repeat but that id like to forget.  id like to think he said them in anger and that he didnt mean it but im sure he did.  it makes me question all the happy times we had..were they real?  or was he just really annoyed?  i dunno. im sick right now, trying to get better before the new year.  taking it easy today, then cleaning and prepping tomorrow for the big night.  D and I are still talking, we're friends according to him.  everyday i still cry, though not for as long anymore.  im not sure how long we can stay friends, or how long itll take for me to pull out of this rut.  im already planning a million trips in 2014 to norcal, new york, boston and another big one im hoping in september.  im trying to grab a couple new licenses, maybe go back to school, and getting a new job at a better facility. 

im hoping this next year will be exciting.  im hoping i will learn more about myself and more about the people around me.  i have a pretty firm sense in who is there for me and who isnt and i know who to put my trust int.  i am hoping that in 2014 i will finally find love that will last because heart break is just exhausting.  a fortune teller once told me that 2013 would be chaos.  drinking and chaos.  he was right...i can only hope 2014 will be just as exciting...but hopefully without the whole broken heart thing...yea

has it ever come back?

its 2 in the afternoon and i havent moved from my bed.  im supposed to decorate the condo today and make it all christmasy.  i can tell you know.  i can tell that people are tired of hearing about it.  much like nobody wants to hear how in love you are all the time nobody wants to hear how in pain you are either.  and they all come around and try to distract me and talk about other things and for a moment, just for a moment i forget that im actually heart broken.  i may even crack a smile or laugh out loud or relax.  then i come home and for one night this week i am able to fall asleep and have a lovely dream about buffets.  then i wake up in the morning and it all comes flooding back to me.  this is the reality of my life.  everything looks great on paper.  everything is perfect.  everything is good and happy and bright and i really have nothing to complain about so gosh darn it V stop complaining.  its hard to get up in the mornings.  ive been late to work almost every single day for the last few weeks.  never more than 15 minutes and no one is there in the morning anyways so its not like i get in trouble.  but i used to love springing up in the morning, going to work, getting my day going and coming home and falling asleep in 5 minutes or less.  its hard to get up, hard to fall asleep, hard to get going.  i dont cry as much anymore but im fairly certain its cause my body has run out of tears since the stabbing pain in my chest hasnt really dissipated.  i watch romantic comedies all the time and i cry.  its a romantic comedy its supposed to be sweet and funny there's no reason for crying.  my girl friends say to forget him, my guy friends say to just give him time, i have no idea what im doing.  the truth is im only settling for friendship because i am at a complete loss as to what i actually am supposed to do.  numb. the last time i turned my heart off i became a total bitch.  sure i got a lot of ass and a lot of free dinners but any satisfying relationships?  i did what i was supposed to do.  i forgot about him and played the field.  i would play while i was in college then settle down once i got out of school and grad school and get married and have kids.  and i got with a guy, a very nice perfectly good guy, and forced him to settle down.  and when he left i really didnt know what to do.  suddenly my plans for a life of bliss fell apart.  then came the losers one right after the other. men that i dated cause they were hot, they were nice, they were close to me, whatever stupid reason i had.  i tried to force another relationship with a guy who was not right for me til that also came crashing down.

thats when i met you.  that feeling of being high on life, of being elated all the time.  waking up with a smile, falling asleep with a smile, what did you call it, smitten?  and then just like before, it all just ended.  where do i go from here.  im not 18 anymore, i dont have college to rebound.  im 26. im supposed to pick up the pieces and tell myself that i deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me, blah blah blah.  ok then i will.  ill keep telling myself that you made the mistake of leaving and i will be better for it and all those things that are supposed to help you get over a break up because if ur ever just sad about being dumped you're seen as a pathetic loser.  i dont want to be a pathetic loser . i dont want to be some desperate ex girlfriend who cant get over the fact that she lost someone who made her life so complete.  thats weak.  im strong, im the strongest, everyone looks to me because i have all my shit together and frankly im exhausted.  sure i have a good job, i can buy anything i want, i live in a nice place, i travel, i see my family and friends i have everything.  and yet in my heart and soul i feel like that 18 year old girl again driving home in the middle of the night in the pouring rain listening to green day's american idiot.  wondering how and why this could've ended.  ill admit at least you didn't sleep with me then break up with me then propose that we can still hook up when im in town.  so i guess thats what 8 years of growing up got me.  in all my years of dating ive finally figured out how to not date a man that just wants to sleep with me.  right? hahaha, that's hilarious.  i know nothing.  where do i go from here, what do i do. move on i guess.  move on to what.  someone that is nice that i form a connection with and eventually grow to love.  someone who will probably be a good father to my children.  or do i wait another 10 years hoping and praying that i meet another man a THIRD man in my life that makes me happy to be alive?  what are the odds of that.  and then ill be close to 40.  its hard to stay positive when so many negative things happen.  career, finances and stuff like that, i can control.  ive got that all in order and i like where its going.  love?  love is a fickle beast.  one moment its laying with you the next it's ripping the heart from your chest.  the one thing in the world i cant control.  whats that saying, if you love something let it go and if it comes back it's truly yours?  so tell me...anyone...has it ever come back?

your life looks so beautiful

I saw you today.  Well not in person, but i saw you online.  I knew i shouldn't have looked.  I knew it was going to hurt. I kept trying to resist the urge.  But the truth is, I looked.  I was weak.  I looked and I was right, it was awful.  There you are, smiling and snuggling up next to some girl.  I couldn't look away, I needed to know more.  And through tear filled eyes I dug deeper.  Why am I doing this, why am I torturing myself.  I reminded myself that you are this affectionate with everyone, even when we were together.  I reminded myself that you told me you still had feelings for me.  I reminded myself that what we have is special.  And then I remembered you saying that you developed crushes on a lot of girls that didn't develop into anything because you can actively put brakes on your emotions like that.  And then I remembered how special it felt to be that special girl, and how ordinary and disappointing it feels to be so very ordinary.  I'm just one of those girls that you had a crush on that you just decided to put the brakes on for.  I tried to remember that you said you wanted me in your life.  I tried. I try everyday, all the time.  But the truth is, your life looks so beautiful without me in it. My friend says you're just show boating, that you're going out and trying to have a good time to get over missing me.  But deep down in my heart, as much as I'm trying to keep it all together, I know that you're not show boating.  That you are truly happy, and that you are truly happy without me.  Why else would you end things, why else would you walk away.  I am trying so very hard to be positive, to imagine us back together.  I am praying every night that you'll wake up one morning missing me and realizing how wonderful of a girl i am and how happy you would be if i was in your life again.  My friend asked me isn't it hard to get over someone while you're still talking to them.  The truth is it's impossible. I'm such a believer in love and second chances and fate and all the crap because life and reality is too harsh and dark to accept.  But this is the reality of love isn't it.  It's never returned, it always hurts more than it heals, and there are no happy endings.  I see all those old couples and I think of how lucky they are to have it all figured out.  And then I see some alone, angry, dying.  They haven't figured it out and they never will.  I wonder how they felt at my age.  I wonder if I'm eerily peering into my own future. 

You look so happy without me.  How could I destroy that for you.  It's been a couple weeks and already your face is brighter, your smile bigger, your shoulders lighter.  And I want to believe it's because classes are ending and you have more free time but could it be because I'm not there to weigh you down?  You're so lovely, so beautiful, and I'm so dark.  People describe me as bubbily and spunky and a fire cracker.  It's all for show.  Deep down you're right.  I am a depressing person. I've see and heard things in my life that I can't let go.  I've felt things no little girl should feel and it's hard to not let that get to me.  And they say that one day I'll meet a man who will love and accept me for who I am.  love and acceptance are different than staying.  im tired of hoping and dreaming and wishing of this epic love connection that will never happen.  i thought i would never feel that way again until i met you.  i thought wow this is the man of my dreams. we used to ask each other where did you come from? as if we stepped out of a myth, a fairytale and into each others lives.  i guess the bigger question now is where did u go?  back to your old life.  back to your happy life. back to before you met me, before all the skyping and the obligations of being a good boyfriend.  back to the world of roommates and parties and family and warmth.  you went back to your fairytale and i went back to mine. yours is disney, mine is grimm.  yours is meant to encourage, mine is meant to heed a warning.  so many questions i want to ask u.  so many things i want to know.  but as my friend points out, these are all mute points.  does it matter if he's seeing other people.  does it matter if he likes other girls.  the point is he doesnt want to be with you.  it doesnt matter why or when or anything else.  what should i do.  should i continue to compete with all your friends and family for your affection for your attention.  am i just some girl you dated that one time way back when.  even now when i close my eyes i can feel your arms around me and i cry. i cry because i know that no matter how much i wish and hope and pray that you will never touch me like that again. and i see all my friends around me with their men and i smile because im happy for them.  and i cry because i can see them all figuring it out, and im still stuck at the starting line without a clue as to find true love and happiness. 

what am i doing here.  whats the next step.  time to dry your eyes sweetheart.  every moment im missing you i wonder if you ever think of me. if you too are sad.  if you too remember what it feels like to have my head on your chest and my hand on your back.  or if you just wake up every morning feeling better and better as i drift further and further out of your memory til you forget me all together.  the truth is i dont know if you miss me and i know you'll never tell.  time to dry your eyes sweetheart.  your life looks so beautiful without me in it.  mine...is a living nightmare. guess not much has changed.

if i had known

if i had known.  if i had known it was going to be our last night together i would've tried harder.  i would've made it sweeter, lighter, happier.  i would've smiled more, judged less.  i would've kissed you more deeply and loved you more passionately.  i would've insisted on not being too tired to make love. so many things i would've done if i had known.  but i guess that's when happens when good things come to end.  they just...end. no climax, no one last hoorah, no finale.  just emptiness and space.  and tomorrow morning ill wake up a different woman.  the sheets still smell like you. the roses you gave me are still on the living room table.  if i had known that would be the last time i hugged you i would've held you closer, held you tighter.  in my heart i want to wake up and pretend that all of this didn't happen.  that we were still in love.  were we?  who the fuck knows.  i just know this is not what i wanted.  waking up empty, cold, alone. again. thanksgiving. again. like seriously fuck this holiday, it's starting to remind me of all the things i'm not thankful for.  i find myself closing my eyes and imagining you coming back to me, saying that you still care about me and miss me and want me. saying that you still find me attractive, looking at me with those love sick eyes.  i wonder what my birthday present was. guess ill never know. i also know it's going to kill me every time i drive up to your building to tutor your neighbor.  and ill stare up at the window longingly like romeo did for juliet.  ill sit in my car and wait, hoping that maybe ill run into you on your way out. ill be wandering what crosses your mind when you see my car.  you asked me how you can miss someone when they've only been gone a few hours.  sweetie it's been 3 hours and i miss you more than i ever have before.  what happened to me, to us, what happened to falling in love, staying up late, never getting enough of each other.  what happened to love, to never giving up, to second chances.  what happened to a boy who likes a girl and became a man to win her heart.  what happened to walks to the grocery store, yogurtland, making dinners. what happened to all day sex-athons and snuggling.  god just what happened to us.  if i had known sweetie that this was the end, if i had any inkling this was coming.  i wouldn't have let you go.

forgotten

i have forgotten. forgotten what it feels like to be wanted, desired, to be interesting.  it wasn't til this moment that i realize i have forgotten what it's like to be asked what i wanted, how i felt, even when i was free.  there was a time i was asked weeks in advance when i would have time to spend a whole day with you because you wanted to see me so badly.  i have forgotten what's it like to not beg for a spare moment of yours.  every time i want to see you i have to ask because i have forgotten what it's like to be asked.  to be that girl who has it all.  you never ask anymore.  i can't even remember the last time you asked me for a moment of my time.  can't remember the last time you asked me when i was free so we could hang out because you wanted to see me.  i remember the last time you asked me to skype was so long ago i was in complete shock when i read it. what would happen if i didn't ask when you were free?  it's gotten so bad that even when i ask when you're free you tell me that you have to check and i find out later that you're really just filling your calendar with other people you want to see before you want to see me.  i learned this weekend that i have forgotten what good morning meant, forgotten what a surprise feels like versus an obligation, i have forgotten what two people wanting to be in the same place at the same time feels like.  and it felt so good.  and it makes me sad that we used to feel that way and that you don't anymore.  i don't know maybe you do but i don't feel that way from you anymore. i have forgotten the way you look at me.  i have forgotten what your smile sounds like. i have just simply forgotten.  is it my fault for forgetting or yours for not transmitting.  i guess i'll never know.  all i know is i miss you, i miss us, and i miss that feeling.  and i hate, i hate having forgotten.  but what i hate even more is being forgotten.  like screaming and shouting and jumping up and down and everyone notices but you.  you've forgotten what i sound like when i smile, my laughter, my joy.  i'd rather be rejected, neglected, insulted that forgotten.  it's like im so insignificant that i couldn't even be bothered to be actively negatively treated.  it just happens out of sheer annoyance and laziness.  it's like not being loved or hated or feared or liked.  it's like not being worthy of any emotions short of an empty space in your head that you are now filling with other things.  forgotten, what a terrible feeling.  that feeling of knowing if i was to walk away right now, that nothing in your life would change.  that one day you may wake up and notice that something was different, but not be able to put your finger on it, then fall back asleep acknowledging that it must not be that important.  i'm what's different, i'm what's missing, please don't fall back asleep.  remember me.  remember me.

JUST STOP!

I told off my HOA lady today.  She asked me where i got the code to get into my building. i told her that i got it from a neighbor.  she said i wasnt supposed to have it.  i told her that thats fine but instead of accusing me of doing something wrong (ie having the code) she couldve just told me.  she then emailed and left a voicemail apology saying that she did not mean at all to sound accusatory but that i mistook her tone via email.  she sounded sincerely apologetic and i felt bad because my tone was CLEARLY accusatory.  made me think of a conversation i had last night. how i take things and spin them for the negative.  why is it so hard for me to take things at face value.  hey, v, ever thought maybe she just really wanted to know where i got the code, where the leak was coming from?  nope..definitely she wanted to tell me i was wrong.  my mom has always said i was a very sensitive kid.  i would take things that she'd say and extrapolate them into the most monumental horrors imaginable.  i guess it was all those hours i spent in the garage "contemplating what i did wrong."  too much time solo causes someone to start having conversations in their own head.  which is not a good thing when youre actually having a conversation with another person because you start hearing their voice in your head instead of in your ears.  something's wrong with me. i was so sure of everything when i got back from europe.  i knew who i was, what i was doing, where i was going, and what i wanted.  im not totally lost now but i do feel like my confidence and security is slipping away.  ive never been good at it u know.  the whole love thing.  i dont get it.  i dont get how some people can stay so happy and so satisfied for so long.  im envious. envious with every fiber of my being to wonder what thats like.  i know how to make myself happy, but to get that from another person?  how? wont they leave? what if they stay? what if what you think theyre thinking isnt what theyre thinking? what if ur falling madly in love and hes falling madly out of it?  i cried at work this morning.  im not sure why, the conflict was taken care of.  but was it really?  i wanted to talk about feelings, but instead got totally dumped on for all the things i was doing wrong.  not the type of feelings i was talking about.  i wanted to talk about romantic feelings.  hearing how much he missed me and he thinks about me even when hes busy.  does he?  i dunno.  all i know is i need to pull away.  step back from the line v, ur not ready to cross it.  cause if u do and he doesnt...then its just u, there, all alone, on the other side of the line trying to figure out how to get back home.  step back v, he says ur pressuring him, step back, he says ur smothering him, step back, when u wanna text him, think.  when u wanna make him presents, think, how many have u made him this month?  when u wanna be sad when ur time together is over, think, is he sad?  no, he has other things to get done. he is not sad ur leaving and therefore neither should u.  ull see each other again..right? maybe just stop going over all together.  he says he doesnt invite u over on purpose.  take that as a hint...ur not supposed to go over.  stop inviting urself. just stop v JUST STOP.i feel this pain in my chest, like someone just squeezed my heart a little.  i know that feeling.  its the feeling of hopelessness.  clutching at ur soul like ur hand is the only thing keeping ur heart in ur chest.  hopelessly in love.  its sad really.  how many times has this happened sweetie, and u just cant learn.  nobody sees relationships like u do, love like u do, as this fantasy emotion thats neither real nor a dream.  such a strange uncontrollable feeling.  most kids experience this growing up, at least they have something to compare to.  i do not know if i have experienced true unconditional love...but i know ive experienced love and loss.  sad. to see such a beautiful girl cry.  but its time to get on ur feet v.  time to step up to the challenge just like u did when u thought u were going to die in europe.  time to figure out a plan when no one else is willing to cooperate or care for u.  time to get to the other side...but how, in this hour of need if i cant turn to whom i love then what?

always trapped..always seeking

feels so weird right now.  i feel like i should be writing...like i need to write.  like i need to get something off my chest.  and yet as i sit here, im honestly not sure what to write about.  i have been meaning to add a blog post for some time now but ugh...its all getting so messy in my head.  this happens every time.  i should just learn, right?  learn to withdraw...learn to not have expectations or to get attached or to let my guard down.  but it's just so easy and it feels so natural that i can't say no.  im like an addict.  a constant struggle between high and low.  at the beginning i was good..really good.  i didnt need to see him that much, didnt mind not talking to him for a few days, didnt care if he was busy or preoccupied.  its all i think about these days.  what he's doing, is he happy, i wonder if he's thinking about me, misses me.  so many things i want to say but i cant bring myself to say them and every time he says something, every touch, every look, every moment i feel him slipping away.  its happened before to me, to him.  i need to pull back.  need to need less.  need to just be myself.  but this is myself.  i love whole heartedly, i dive head first, i plunge all the way to the bottom not accounting for the return.  i do this academically, financially, in my work, with my friends, with my love.  everything is just so confusing and everything is becoming so sensitive.  i just want to fall, fall head over heels, just let myself be blissfully happy and ignorant in the matters of the heart.  and yet i know this is a fool's errand.  pull back i say, step away, turn around.  come on v, u know better, u are wiser, we've been down this road and we know exactly how it all ends.  pull back, keep your ahead above water,  dont breathe in until the very last moment.  let him come to you in his own time, in his own way.  and yet are we, as women, meant to suffer in the waiting room as men come to realize what they have?  how long is appropriate.  how long do we wait.  forever. until judgement day.  its time to do the dishes. to clean up ur act. maybe he needs space.  maybe i need space.  some days i really do feel like a drug addict.  except im addicted to the constant need to feel loved.  i put myself through rehab, i get better for a while...then love creeps back into my veins just to give me a taste.  just to tempt me to throw myself into the abyss and plunge back into the darkness.  thats what it is u know.  darkness.  ive never known love to be anything other than sadness.  maybe one day i will be lucky enough to experience true freedom in the realm of love. but right now i feel like a prisoner..always trapped...always seeking a way out.

i didnt know it would hurt you

you know its a weird feeling, betrayal.  some horrid mix of anguish, pain, relief, guilt, and satisfaction.  i found out today someone im seeing slept with one of my friends.  i am thankful it is not someone whom im seeing seriously and not one of my closer friends.  but i imagine the feeling would be along the same lines just infinitely more intense directly correlating to the proximity of the friendship.  and he can justify it any way she likes and she can tell herself that we werent serious so its ok, but in the end what they did was morally wrong.  sure, technically it isnt cheating since we're not in a relationship.  sure, she technically isnt a home wrecker because she knew that we were just casually dating.  so sure, on paper it all doesnt seem so bad right?  the fact of the matter is he knew it would hurt my feelings if he did it and he did.  she knew that i liked him and she did. do people not understand the consequences of their actions anymore?  do people not get that sometimes when you do something to satisfy your own selfish desires you are in fact really hurting somebody else?  or do people just not care.  are there really individuals out there men and women alike, who will hurt anyone and anything to have one lousy lay? 

he asked me if i wanted to get dinner yesterday.  i just wanted to pick up my key but i figured i hadnt seen him in a while so what the heck.  i walk in to use the bathroom and when i came out he went to use it.  as i looked around i noticed that there was no sleeping pad on the floor and that the bed was completely disheveled.  two pillows stacked on the right and one pillow on the left.  and i saw it, in a flash, him sleeping on the right with his crotch against her ass on the left.  i shuddered. he said he didnt want to sleep with her.  he said he had no intention.  otherwise i wouldve never let her crash at my house, or taken her out to a club, or done her hair for God's sake.  before i can process what is happening she walks in the front door.  gives me a big hug, says its great to see me.  i hesitate slightly but brush it off. i was tired. i was hungry. i invited her to dinner and he told me he didnt know she was invited.  that shouldve been my first confirmation.  for the 2 weeks she's been here he always invited both of us out to dinner.  she asks if id like her to come. i say yes of course.  she obliges.  we come home from dinner and give her a hug.  i give him a hug. did i kiss him?  i cant remember. i jump in my car and go home exhausted and think nothing of it.

he texted me this morning.  wanna hang out today?  and it hits me like a shit ton of bricks.  hang out?  to him hanging out means having sex.  we never hang out, we only have sex. he has no interest in my mind, my spirit, my soul he only cares about sex.  and like a flash all the evidence comes pouring in.  i call him and ask him point blank. did u sleep with her?  potentially, he says.  ill take that as a yes.  i start to cry.  i cant help myself. i was in a state of shock, believable shock.  he said he didnt know it would hurt me.  really.  so if i stab you in the face and you're scarred for life can i tell a judge i didnt know it would hurt you?  think that defense would fly?  i proceed to tell him its not the act itself that makes me mad, after all we are not exclusive and i have also slept with other people.  it was the fact he lied to me and didnt have the common courtesy or respect to at least clean up after himself.  it would be like if he walked into my bedroom and saw a used condom on the floor and i was like oh im sorry, i didnt realize that would make you uncomfortable.  i sent her a message too saying that i trusted her, i brought her into my home, and she goes behind my back and sleeps with the guy she knows im dating because she has SEEN us sleep together..i mean come on what kind of sad, sick, demented girl can watch her friend snuggling with her guy and hop right into it the moment she leaves. 

part of me hopes to hear from them.  i want to hear them ask, no beg for forgiveness. to recognize that what they did was mean, selfish, hurtful, hateful even.  but i know i wont.  if i do hear from them itll be them continuing to justify theyre actions with, but you said i could, and i didnt know, and it wasnt that serious.  i know the best thing would be to never hear from them again.  people dont change at their core. their fundamental values of what they perceive as right and wrong are drilled into them at an early age.  in fact most people dont even need to be told that hurting your friends or taking their things is bad.  it would be one thing if they felt bad for what they did.  mistakes happen, i get that.  but i genuinely believe they both knew exactly what they were doing.  and i genuinely believe that i didnt cross their minds one time when they proceeded to stab me in the back.  so thanks friends, you're the best. you're certainly made for each other.

WHY THE F***does this always happen to me

I think it's happening again.  The butterflies in my stomach, the mysterious smile that creeps its way across my face when i see his texts.  That sense of anxious excitement when i know i get to see him that day.  Why...tell me WHY THE FUCK do i always fall for the wrong guys.  See here's the problem.  This guy is literally amazing, except when he's not.  Sometimes he can be so mean and insensitive you'd think he was born an asshole.  But i just cant seem to put my finger on exactly what causes him to flip a switch like that.  I think it has something to do with the drinking and the substances but hey it's all theories.  He really doesn't do that much.  Drinks everyday, yes.  I enjoy some wine/beer a few times a week, hey we all have our vices.  He also smokes weed at least once a week...i hate it.  It is fucking disgusting, but whatever...i get maybe life is too difficult to deal with sober (sad but true).  We've been dating for 4 months now and so far he's done 2 drugs that make me very uncomfortable.  As someone in the medical field and also as someone who cares deeply for this guy, I don't want to see him get hurt (which he has) while he's on that stuff.  And that's only the stuff I know about.  God knows what he's taken, whose he's doing, or where he's going that I dont know about.  So everytime he goes somewhere I think "is he on anything tonight?  is he going to do anything stupid and end up in the fucking hospital? is he going to fuck some random coke whore?"  I've had boyfriends who were pot dealers, boyfriends who ended up in the hospital due to their stupidity, boyfriends who were drowning in their own cloud of smoke, trust me...ive given the whole substance thing a real run.  And you know what?  I fucking hate it.  it makes me nervous, anxious in a hand wringing kind of way.  I dont want another call from the hospital...i dont want to have another fight over why weed is more important than me...i dont want to ever put myself in an area of gunfire ever again.  but then thats just it isnt it.  its not my choice.  its his choice.  i might be falling in love and willing to give up things i enjoy like sleeping with random hot men, but is he willing to give up things he enjoys for my peace of mind?  i dont think so . its not the first time ive dealt with something like this and it always ends up the same. doesn't matter if he's falling in love and ready to propose, the substance always wins.  why is that?  what is it about that stuff that is so freaking amazing that it gives you a better trip than being in love, being happy, having the love of your life or a family or the American dream?  maybe thats just my dream.  to be in a relationship that people look at and are insanely jealous of how much we love each other and how much we care for each other.  i dont want people to ask me where my boyfriend is and for me to have absolutely no idea where or what or who he's doing.  but how do you tell someone that in order for this relationship to move forward that he needs to grow up and give that stuff up. to realize that people care about his safety and hes not just some reckless 19 year old partying it up anymore.  but he's not my boyfriend.  he made that extremely clear last night...you know he used to introduce me by name...now he tells everyone this is my friend.  friend?  i tried out that word last night "boyfriend."  he stopped what he was doing, looked me dead in the eye and said "i am NOT your boyfriend."  funny thing is a few months ago thats all he wanted to be.  seems more and more all he wants is a fuck buddy.  i asked him if he was seeing multiple girls, i didnt get a straight answer.  i guess i dont mind but id like to know.  i hate liars. i hate being deceived.  maybe he is seeing other girls.  maybe when he says he's "busy" or "hanging with the guys" he's really slipping it to someone else as they say.  maybe he wanted to be my boyfriend but has since changed his mind but doesnt mind the tail action on the side.  i dont know. i dont know if this stuff would be better brought up before or after i leave the country for a month.  would it be better to know now that he doesnt want me and to spend all of europe getting over him, or know now that he does want me and spending all of europe tied to a boyfriend.  or better yet coming home after a month and finding out hes slept with half of los angeles and that he doesnt want me then immediately ruining my vacation high and plunging me into some sort of depression.  i dont know. he says i dont understand hallucinogens and pills.  not personally no...i just know biologically what they do to a person.  and i know what they do to the men ive loved.  and i just cant go through it again. but then i lose him. course if he's so attached to that stuff that he's willing to give up love i suppose ive already lost him.  or maybe he just isnt falling for me the same way i am for him.  why...WHY THE FUCK does this always happen to me?

weird space

weird space right now. weird space in mind that is like a dark pit.  nothing going in, nothing coming out.  just a hole of blackness in my soul that i cant seem to shed any light on.  im unhappy.  not sure what it is that is making me unhappy, not even sure if i actually am unhappy.  i just know that im not at optimum happiness which is what i guess we all strive for.  its strange you know.  turning down so many great guys and for what.  i cant seem to form human connections anymore.  whether its with people im dating or people im friends with that bond that was so strong, that ability to read someone's emotions, actions, and to respond...its just gone.  everything else is in tact.  the lights are definitely on at home but its like the outlets in one room just aren't working.  gotta call an electrician.  2013 is the year for doing shit...for getting it done.  everything ive ever wanted can be mine with hard work, luck, and a whole lot of guts.  for the last 3.5 years i have been searching for someone.  for that special someone.  for someone who will love me and cherish me and believe that i am enough, that i am not perfect but im wonderful.  someone who will accept by bold, blunt attitude but also appreciate my softer romantic side.  someone who knows how to let me have my freedom but also when to draw me back in and say ok v, that's enough.  a man's man as they say, but also a gentleman.  my friends know that the type of guy i need is very specific, very rare, or pretty much non-existant.  but after all the bull shit and the heart ache and the boys i dont know what i believe anymore.  i dont know who i am anymore.  i dont know what i want and even if i did i dont know how to get it.  my soul has a black hole in it, like a missing puzzle piece, like all the lights in the house are on except that one dark window in the corner.  i need that fucking light to go on.  i need that hole to be filled.  once i am complete again i wont be as erratic, overcompensating, unpredictable.  maybe when i am whole again my prince can find me and we can be happy.  how can i expect me to find him or him to find me if im not, well, 100% present.  im leaving for Europe for a month.  im heading out to the new world to find the old me.  somehow in the mess of moving, new jobs, boys, everything, i lost me.  and u know how to find urself?  get lost in everything else.  i know it sounds weird but sometimes people describe being too familiar with their surroundings and it causes them to come into a routine.  into a rut as they say.  take away the home, the friends, the language, the food, the people and replace them all with foreign senses and all ur left with is u.  very counter intuitive but know itll work.  when i went to australia i came back a different person. went i moved into that lady's basement in norcal i became a different person.  and since moving back to la ive kinda lost sight of my person.  time for another massive trip.  a month of exploration, discovery, exhilaration and exhaustion.  and maybe, just maybe when i came back, everything will even out.  and all the little problems will be just that, little.

i know what its like

i know what its like to date someone and not get along with any of his friends.
i know what its like to date someone and get along with all his friends.
i know what its like to sleep with someone while thinking of someone else.
i know what its like to sleep with someone and not able to think of anything else.
i know what its like to have the perfect boyfriend who isnt actually my boyfriend.
i know what its like to have the perfect monster actually be my boyfriend.
i know what its like to love someone long distance and not see him for months at a time.
i know what its like to love someone down the street and end up seeing him all of the time.
i know what its like to dump someone who didnt deserve it, who deserves so much better.
i know what its like to be dumped by someone when i didnt deserve it.
i know what its like to laugh, cry, curl my toes and smile when making love.
i know what its like to feel guilt and pleasure and pain simultaneously.
i know what its like to hate the person youre with and to be hated by the person you love.
i know what its like to be with every type of man except the one im going to be with.
i dont know what itd be like to have a boyfriend who loved me when i loved him. whose friends i would absolutely adore and lived so close i could hop over just for dinner.  where no one would be dumped or broken or deserving of more. someone who when we make love all i feel is pleasure and passion and ecstasy, and all i can think of is being in that moment with him.  i dont know what any of that feels like...ill bet that it would be absolutely amazing.

Confusion: Day 5

I cant believe its already Thursday. here i am sitting at home with a glass of pink moscato thinking "wow i actually got off work early today...what the fuck do i do now?" i wonder around the condo contemplating finishing my taxes or cleaning. i end up doing the dishes and paying some bills.  im in a weird state of shock and contemplation right now. i fixed my phone yesterday.  it was weird doing it by myself since for the a while i thought you'd be helping me, but as i chipped away at the glass i realized that i didnt really need your help.  and when i woke up this morning to dust inside my phone i realized i probably wouldve done better had i had your help.  i did the dishes and thought of how you did the dishes for me when i left early for work.  that was so sweet.  ive done that for ex's but never the other way around.  then i thought of you in korea and realized you never did the dishes.  i also recalled we never actually made dinner together.  i wonder why we never made dinner.  was it because i didnt want to? you didnt want to?  its weird to be emotionally falling for you and yet physically falling for you.  its like im being torn apart deciding and it seems my brain has made that up for me.  i didnt mean to stutter out what happened but it just came up like word vomit. unprepared, unaware of what i was saying it just got said.  i know that neither of us, any of us, are ready for the type of relationship we want and yet we want the same thing.  i know this makes sense to none of you but to me, in my head, its perfectly laid out.  i have a feeling i will regret the conversation i had on sunday.  and yet without that conversation i would've never known that i will come to regret it.  now im speaking in riddles but maybe this break is good.  maybe i need to lose some to gain some?  *sigh* i really hope in the end everything works out for everyone involved.  i miss you.  i miss laying next to you and smelling your skin. i miss the passionate, cant keep our hands off each other sex.  i also miss the long conversations and hilarious texts. i miss having coffee on sunday mornings.  "i like having coffee with you."  i dont know why but that line still makes me smile.  somehow it was probably one of the most flattering things ever said to me.  its like saying i like the simplicity of something so routine and easy as having coffee when i get to have it with you.  in 2 weeks you'll come back and we'll see how i feel.  right now i need a break.  right now im still confounded.  right now i miss ...

Live your Life,
Victoria Niles

pizza, movie?

have you ever made a decision and immediately started questioning everything about it.  like you had been thinking about it for weeks and finally came to a conclusion and then execution day comes and all logic goes out the window.  did i say that right? am i a bad person? am i going to regret this?  i dumped someone today. i dont know if it was the right decision. i didnt even realize it was happening until it already happened.  he asked me "are we done?" and i looked at him and said "romantically, i think so."  i sit up as cuddling with him became more and more uneasy.  i felt guilt. so much guilt.  i felt like a bitch, like i just hit him with the broad side of the sword.  we were talking about pizza i think.  pizza and movies?  im not sure.  and as i looked at him i could see it in his eyes. i was a raging cunt.  it was sadness. disappointment.  it was a look of "is this really happening, is she really doing this?" the idea of "but we were having so much fun, i thought she really liked me" and i do! but at the same time i know that that's about as far as it's going to go. i immediately thought, has he been dumped before?  am i the first person to crush this poor boy's heart like a grape?  this made me feel even more guilty.  to take someone so nice, so thoughtful, so genuinely passionate about life and just stomp all over him.  could i be that bad of a person? what's wrong with dating a nice guy.  why is it i never fall in love with the nice guys.  but ive played this game before and i know what kind of player i am.  without fail most of my relationships end within 2-3 months.  because at that point i know that i want to be in a relationship and he doesnt so we break up.  or i know that im not in love with him so we break up.  i tried that once.  one time i dated a guy for 8 months.  saw him every single day and we went sleep next to each other every night. i met all his friends, his parents knew me, his grandparents.  i had a bottle of conditioner at his place. we celebrated birthdays and the holidays. he was so nice, so thoughtful, such a great person.  he used to pack my lunch for work. when we slept together he always gave more than he took.  and yet both times he asked me to be his girlfriend i said no i dont want to be in a relationship.  and finally, on a rainy february afternoon i drove over to his place, rang the door bell and said this isnt working. and he replied with, i know.  and it was as simple as that.  no arguments, no fights, we both knew deep down that this was not the person im going to marry.  ive never been married but ive talked to many people in successful marriages and they all say the same thing. you just know.  there have been a few guys i thought i was going to marry.  but i was never 100% sold on the idea.  it was i wanna marry him, but..... i feel like there shouldnt be a but.  i like him so much and he'd be such a great boyfriend, but....no, as i sit here now and type this all out i realize and recognize that the "but" is never a good sign. if he'd be such a great boyfriend then why isnt he already?  if you are meant to be together they why aren't you?  if this is the man you're going to marry then why are you thinking of saying no?  ive made quite a few hard decision in life and the hardest ones are always the ones that end up hurting people.  it goes against my nature to hurt someone, even if they're not a significant part of my life. sometimes i even feel bad for my patients because i know theyre going to die but i lie to their faces anyway. ultimately i may come to regret losing him.  but i know that this was the right decision for us right now.  as my best friend says, if you're having doubts now this early on, what kind of doubts will you be having a year from now when something has actually happened to make you doubt your relationship? 

im sorry K, im just so sorry. you deserve better. you deserve more.

pizza, root beer, movie, sex, cuddling?  looks like my sunday night just got a lot worse...

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

Change is good, growth is better.

It pains me to say this but I was really happy earlier today and now I am a little down.  This morning I booked tickets to my sister's graduation and my one month long backpacking tour through Europe.  I was over the moon about exploring, taking photos, vlogging my whole damn journey. I told everyone I just couldn't keep such great news to myself!  I came home and cleaned a little, sat down to check facebook and saw a picture of my friends hanging out without me.  You see, this lady and I had a falling out a few weeks ago.  I snapped at her because she just seems to hate every man I've ever been with and she snapped at me because apparently I'm a judgmental bitch.  I'm not saying either of us was right or wrong but what I do know is that now neither of us are talking.  It's sad really.  Seeing her inviting our friends out to do fun things like hiking or dancing or cooking or all the fun things we used to do together.  facebook has this wonderful feature when you can look at the friendship you've had with someone through pictures and facebook wall posts.  i went to this page trying to find a way to unsubscribe from her on my news feed because the pain of looking at those pictures without me in it was too much.  and as i stalked our history i realized that we had a lot of good times together.  that there was a point in our lives when we were best friends.  saw each other everyday, knew each others deepest secrets.  we were neighbors, roommates, sisters.  and now what are we?  now it seems we're strangers.  i fully believe that people walk in and out of your life and that the people that are meant to stay will always come back no matter how far we stray from each other.  i wonder if we could ever get back to that point.  that point of comfort, when we had each other's backs, when we thought that this friendship could never ever end.  i invited her to superbowl sunday but she already had other plans.  i will continue to invite her out whenever i go do something fun because that's what friends do.  I don't know how long she will exclude me from her life but hopefully not forever.  im excited about my Europe trip and also terrified.  because its really not the places or things or views that make traveling fun.  its' the people.  if you do it right you will meet the most interesting people in your life.  and for a few days you will be best of friends and share a bond that only others who dare venture on their own will share.  and then you will return home and only see their lives through facebook.  and then maybe one day in the distant future you will see them again.  people.  individuals are what make life worth living.  i dont know how this year is gonna roll. so far it's been pretty darn exciting and it's only been a couple months.  all i know is i sense a change coming.  and i feel like by the time 2014 rolls around ill be a whole different woman.  im anxious, scared even to meet her, but im ready. i was born ready. change is good, but growth is better.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

oddly satisfied

i feel oddly satisfied right now. just made another appointment with the plumber and am sincerely hoping on tuesday my kitchen sink will be back in working order. is it weird? to gain a small amount of gratification knowing you're taking steps into fixing something broken. but i guess thats why we're all here in the first place.  i wonder if the universe ever thought to put us on this planet already fixed and ready to go so we could do what we were meant to do and not end up in the junkyard.  many people say that they would not have achieved all that theyve achieved, would not have helped or touched the lives that they did if it weren't for the hardships they experienced.  then i pose the question, are we purposely put on this planet broken?  with turmoils, hardships and trouble already built into our fabric of fate in order to "fix" us into the meaningful lives we wish to fulfill?  that would mean that all the shit ive been through and all the people whove left me and all the betrayal and the lies and the, well everything, was all to make me into the person i ultimately was supposed to become anyways.  fixed, perfect, purposeful. doing exactly what i was meant to do and precisely the integral piece of a large work of machinery we call life.  somehow it makes me less sad to know or at least to imagine that my heartbreaks will make me love greater one day. or the betrayal will allow me to understand the full meaning of trust and support so that i may give unto others.  failure will make me recognize success and poverty will make me appreciate riches. not going to lie i am afraid to live again. to love. to me so invigorated by life that i cant wait to go to sleep at night just because i know itll bring me the next morning.  so many tasks ive yet to complete because that would mean i have completed them, now what? i finally mailed in the letter to get my name changed on my mileage.  that way i can book my ticket to europe and make it all official.  but im scared.  what if it isnt the eye opener i think it will be?  what if somehow, a backpacking tour through europe solo and soul searching in fact leaves me empty handed?  did i hype it up in my head or is it my fault for not seeking wisdom while abroad?  im seeing a guy right now.  a wonderful guy. he cant keep his hands off me. but instead of being flattered that he finds me so attractive i keep thinking is that all he wants from me? my ass?  he invited me over to hang out with his friends and all i keep thinking is, gosh we have nothing in common, how can i see this guy if his friends and i have nothing to talk about? he got us tickets to an event that is nearly 3 months from now and when his friends asked him are u selling the other ticket he said "o i think she might want to go" after i already told him i would pay him back. and all i kept thinking was why would he say might?  what is this negative outlook on life ive developed?  guys express their interest physically.  if he cant keep his hands off me it means he is that attracted to me. i mean he could have any girl in this city but he chose to see me after work.  sure im an easy target in that he doesnt have to put the effort in to pick me up at the bar but if anything im more effort because he still calls me afterward.  and no his friends and i may not have had anything to talk about the first couple times but hey i get along with him and they get along with him so must have enough sense to get along with each other.  its possible that its just hard introducing a new person into a new clique and theyre protective of him. i know im protective of my girls' new guys and i wanna know what theyre deal is.  the fact that theyre willing to hang out with me at all i should take as a form of flattery since i have a girlfriend who doesnt even want to meet this new guy (whole other story).  and maybe he said "might" because he didnt want to put me on the spot of making it sound like a for sure thing since he knows i want to take it slow and not commit just yet but the point is is that he bought that ticket for ME with the intention and hope that I will be the one to take it.  he basically told his friend, no this ticket is reserved for her should she choose to go but if for some reason she's a raging bitch and backs out then you can have it.  he took a trip to vegas with the last girl he dated for a month then dumped her sorry ass for not having any sexual chemistry.  dont know why i drew that parallel to me since we love having sex all the time (reason why im out of comission right now lol) but im worried that if we take this trip to sf and we dont click that he'll kick me to the curb. and now im thinking 1) thats not gonna happen cause im awesome and he'll love it and 2) so what if he does?  do i really wanna be with a guy i cant travel with seeing as thats such a big part of my life?  he invited me to thailand. i dont know if he was serious but i said no.  he probably knew i was gonna say no but still, thered be no reason to invite me if he didnt at least fantasize that it would be fun.  why am i still so paranoid? so conflicted? so torn?  i am tired of being sad, and slow, and lethargic. tired of being unproductive and apparently getting in trouble at work. february's goal is to 1) fix everything in the house including the AC and 2) book that europe trip.  by the end of the month i will have my flights booked and days approved off work.  in march i will work on taxes..and yes it will take me a whole month to work up the stamina to do taxes lol.  i may also take on refinancing the home. march can be financial month. if not then refinancing will be april. may i will be in europe galavanting and having the time of my life damn it and i think im going to keep a video diary cause that sounds rad. june i will be searching for a new awesome job at a hospital doing research or something exciting of the sort.  whatever it is the goal is get 40 hrs a week at higher salary not working in a trailer. by july i will hopefully have said job and will be training and getting used to me awesome new lifestyle. aug and sept have yet to be accounted for and i cannot WAIT for the next holiday season because there is no way it can be worse than 2012 *knocks on wood* goals..aspirations...o and im gonna lose some weight. im tired of being pudgy. the guy im with isnt pudgy so why should i have that luxury...for realz
Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

trust, love, happiness

lately I've been feeling used. used for sex, used for companionship, used for backup, used for frustration. one day I'd like to be in a place where people appreciate my experience. acknowledge when I help them, recognize when I love them. I've been getting into a lot of trouble. trouble at work. one more slip up and I'm fired, meanwhile my co-workers can just not show up to work and they're all still here. trouble with my friends. She's not welcomed in my life apparently.  maybe she's right and I should just distance myself from all guys then I could be like her wanted by many and loved by nobody.  New guy I'm seeing had asked for dirty pics again. I think about the other racy pics I've sent his in the party. I regret heavily almost every single one. I told him it's not going to happen. he hasn't responded. maybe he's busy or maybe he thinks I'm a prude. he dumped the last girl cause they weren't sexually compatible. Well I can't get him to finish and I don't let him take naked pics of my downstairs. Pretty sure I'll be the next to go. My mom texted me again about refinancing the home. she says I don't appreciate her making money. I only want to make money If I don't have to work. i told her I'm depressed and don't really care about money right now.  she says she is practical and only wants to make money. I told her I want to be happy. she says there is no such luxury. I told her to stop talking to me. I have everything and yet nothing. why can't I just trust this guy that he likes me. why can't I just trust my friend had my best interest at heart. I hope one day I can let go. but I'm simply not ready to trust anyone right now let alone fall in love.
live ur life,
Victoria Niles

weekend plans?

It's been a few weeks since I've posted. Guess my life has been a little eventful.  *sigh* where do i even begin?  yesterday one of my best friends and i got into a massive text fight.  basically she told me i have to stop making her feel bad or she's leaving.  yes my girl just gave me an ultimatum.  i basically told her that if thats what she needs to do then thats fine.  because honestly, ultimatums dont work...they dont work on boys they dont work on girls. also im not actively making her feel bad.  i feel like im never allowed to introduce any guy to her or shes going to think im dating some loser. she gets mad when i invite them to drinks. mad when i invite them to dinners. mad when i invited my serious boyfriend to her pool party.  its like because her and her boyfriend never hang out means im not allowed to hang out with her unless i too am boyfriend less.  i never tell her what to do with her life but she's always telling me what im doing wrong with mine.  you need to let it go v. dont text him dont call him. let him come to u. dont bring drama. dont get upset when he doesnt show up. excuse me...im allowed to get fucking bloody upset whenever i want to. if u dont like it, dont look at it.  which brings me to the next eventful thing of today. my boss called me and told me he has to write me up because a patient complained that she overheard me swearing in the other room and thought it was very unprofessional.  really lady? u know what happens when u file a complaint? ppl get fired. u literally thought that eavesdropping on my conversation in the other room and hearing me swear (language she claims doesnt offend her) is reason enough to get fired? how about this? how about our coworker was straight up yelling AT patients? is he fired? did he get a formal complaint? and i love how my boss just doesnt stick up for me at all. does he have any idea how much shit i have to deal with at work? does he care that i am literally bending over backwards to try and make everything go smoothly, fix all the technical issues, and am i getting any support? like when the camera exploded and the doc didnt get his pictures and complained that i didnt know what i was doing.  you know what, they dont pay me to be a computer engineer asshole so i did the best i could. do u think my boss stood up for me then? explained that the camera was down and that it wasnt my fault? nope he called me and told me that i would need to be monitored until the doc thought i was satisfactory. REALLY? great so as of right now im a shitty friend and a shitty employee both not my actual problem.  i havent talked to boston boy in almost a month.  strangely ive stopped thinking about him too.  could be that i met a new guy. or a few new guys.  he pretty much asked me to be in a relationship the other day. i said no. i dont know why i said no i have no good reason other than i just dont trust people anymore.  the folks youve known the longest just turn on you in an instant. leaving u hanging, out to dry, on ur own, fed to the wolves.  why would i want to commit myself to someone who inevitably is going to rip my heart out and throw it over a cliff and says "fetch."  is that morbid? am i being dramatic? yes.my friend is having a dinner party friday. i was planning on going. i wanted to go. i wanted to maybe bring a date. she said only if he's cool.  why the fuck would i bring someone with me KNOWING the fact that he's uncool? does that even make sense? if im asking of course he's cool num nuts. its like shes embarrassed by the guys i date. so here's what tmrw has in store. 1. get lectured by my boss for 30 minutes whilst trying to focus on a new site that ive already fucked up in the past. 2. all those phone calls i didnt make? yea gotta do that tmrw too to the home warranty, medical insurance, tattoo parlor. 3. 8pm willl roll around and i will be one of three places: at my friend's party feeling unwelcomed and ashamed since she sincerely expressed her desire to dump me, at my new guy's house feeling incredibly guilty that im not at my friend's dinner party because he wasnt invited but i want to hang out with him, or lastly at home by myself since all my other friends are going to this dinner party and contemplating why i cant keep any healthy relationships with friends, family, boyfriends, coworkers, people.  does this sound like a fun friday night? o did i mention i also have a yeast infection....which means my downstairs is incredibly uncomfortable so no matter where ill be ill be physically irritated....YAY WEEKEND! ugh.

LiVe YoUr LiFe,
Victoria Niles

probably...definitely.

was it something i did, something i said? probably. definitely. is there something wrong with me? probably....definitely.  when did i become this person? this person who is defective, broken, weak. i am incredible after all. im good looking, independent, sweet, sassy, bold, submissive. im smart, cute, adorable, sexy.  i own my own place, have a great job, am totally self sufficient. im creative, im light and im dark.  im the girl you want to bring home to your mother and show off to all your bros.  im the girl that everyone wants on their team. im the girl who always has your back.  im fun, playful, serious, deep.  genuine, honest, beautiful. i am all of these things and yet i am nothing. i am someone to no one and no one to everyone.  confused? me too.  why did he pick her over me ill never know. what she has to offer that i dont have ten times over ill never know. im a great catch. ive been told by many people who would know a thing or two about great catches.  im a diamond in the rough. a puppy in the pound. im just waiting to be scooped up by some lucky bastard.  and yet there are no takers. there never are.  its so easy to get a date these days. just walk outside the house.  it might even be easy to get a boyfriend.  its damn near impossible to get someone to tell me the truth. so many men, so many lies over the last few years. i dont know who or what to believe anymore. what she has over me i'll never know..but he is wrong.  i am better for him than her in every way. i am better for him than everyone in every way.  but he doesn't see. he doesn't care. doesn't see whats in front of him.  and so i cut the chord. its time now. time to float away. hopefully someone else will catch my string before i reach the atmosphere and drift so far away i have no choice but to explode and fall back to the ground. broken. torn. dead.

lunch break

I'm having another meltdown. as I'm writing in my car at work I'm crying. writing, crying, texting. It's crazy how low a human can get sometimes. I have a date tomorrow. I don't want to go. but I should. should get out of the house. should move forward with my life. I'm about to lose one of my best friends in the whole world. that one person you feel tethered to no matter how far away they may be. what happens when you cut the cord. I wonder if I'll just float away into oblivion. life is so short and yet somehow I wish it was shorter. everything I knew to be true everything I believed in is a lie. I believed that if I studied hard I'd have a great job with great people and it would make me happy. I studied and sacrificed so much and I still work with stupid people and am under appreciated. I believed that owning my own home would give me a safe haven. It's a Fucking nightmare. And because it's mine every time someone comes in and then hurts me I feel like I was raped. I thought being with your best friend would be the easiest romantic relationship I've ever had. It's by far the hardest. most confusing, most hurtful. I'm lost. v is lost in this world. No direction, no purpose, no people.  Just motions. if I could go back and do it all over again I'm not sure I would. if I had just died in kindergarten the only sadness Id know was getting sand in my eyes. back to work now.   lunch is over. I didn't eat. I'm hungry but couldn't bring myself to go to the cafeteria. kind of like the hunger pain. It'sthe only thing left I feel besides emptiness.

cant wait to spend it with you..fucker

" happy new year to you too! can't wait to spend it with you. xo! ps come back to my coast please!" from ex-girlfriend to best friend.  I read the words like there were on fire.  I immediately felt an overwhelming sense of shock and awe and before i knew it forgot how to breathe. as i read this facebook post over and over again the only thing i could think of was " i am a motherfucking idiot" could it be? could i be the other woman yet again? had he been vomiting all the same words to her as he was to me? telling her she was special, that she was perfect.  the whole time he's telling me that she's annoying and they fight all the time and he doesnt want to be with her. does he say that about me to her?  was that whole week just a fling to him? so he could get laid and his dick sucked while he was on the west coast? different hoes in different area codes.  my mind raced. he told me he only talked to her once since we started talking and that they didnt do anything. for the last 1.5 months since we hooked up over thanksgiving that i was the only girl he had even kissed. was i stupid to believe him? he's my best friend, my twin, he's never lied to me in our lives.  he told me he liked me since he was 12. was that a lie?  was EVERYTHING A TOTAL BULLSHIT CRAPSHOOT LIE! i dont know what to think. and the lack of oxygen reaching my brain was not helping. i start hyperventilating.  i get up and stagger to the bathroom and grab the sink handles. i think im going to vomit, or collapse, or both.  i start crying, i start screaming.  i was willing to be his friend. i thought he was confused. just a few days ago i said that i would be there for him in his time of need.  he played me. he played me good. maybe he did like me. then he stopped liking me after i hurt him in boston so many years ago. and he saw my weakness after my last break up as a perfect opportunity to swoop in and break me.  that is what i am. just broken.  what do you do when the man you're falling for stabs you in the back. what do you do when that man is also the one who is supposed to pick  you up.  you just fall, bleeding, hitting the ground hard and laying there getting colder and colder bleeding to fucking death.  i cant believe he played me.  he would say now that im jumping to conclusions. he leaves me no choice. he wont talk to me, wont pick up the phone, wont return my calls. if he wont tell me what is going on i have no choice but to conclude myself.  i pick up the phone to call him, still crying and it goes straight to voicemail. i call again...voicemail. i call my best girlfriend and she doesnt pick up. i cry. i scream. how is this happening to me? HOOOOWWW is this possible? how can someone you've known your whole life spew such nonsense only to take it all back the moment shit gets real.  well its real. reality is your best friends dont love you, dont trust anyone even your own family, and ill end up alone with a bunch of cats dying from being allergic to their hair.  i look at the facebook post again. "xo" fuck you bitch he hates you. or maybe he hates me too. "cant wait to spend it with you" what do you mean with you he spent both holidays and a whole week with me this month! fuck her, fuck him, fuck everyone. i am going to live in a hole in my apartment. i dont want to date. i dont want to get back out there. guys are assholes. cant even trust someone you grew up with as kids to not just follow his dick and say hey this is an opportunity to fuck my best friend that i cant pass up cause itd be a great story. my bros and i will laugh about this later when i got both these girls hearts on a string waiting for me. fuck you. im not waiting for shit. you can just cut my heart off that string. my heart belongs to no one. i dont have one left. im done giving, done caring, done loving. i check facebook again and it says he's eating dinner with his mom and one of his friends.  and while he's munching on bread and having merry conversation he has no idea the darkness ive descended into nor does he ask or care.  so go on, eat, drink, be merry. one of us has to, and i guess its too much to ask for it to be me.