its 2 in the afternoon and i havent moved from my bed. im supposed to decorate the condo today and make it all christmasy. i can tell you know. i can tell that people are tired of hearing about it. much like nobody wants to hear how in love you are all the time nobody wants to hear how in pain you are either. and they all come around and try to distract me and talk about other things and for a moment, just for a moment i forget that im actually heart broken. i may even crack a smile or laugh out loud or relax. then i come home and for one night this week i am able to fall asleep and have a lovely dream about buffets. then i wake up in the morning and it all comes flooding back to me. this is the reality of my life. everything looks great on paper. everything is perfect. everything is good and happy and bright and i really have nothing to complain about so gosh darn it V stop complaining. its hard to get up in the mornings. ive been late to work almost every single day for the last few weeks. never more than 15 minutes and no one is there in the morning anyways so its not like i get in trouble. but i used to love springing up in the morning, going to work, getting my day going and coming home and falling asleep in 5 minutes or less. its hard to get up, hard to fall asleep, hard to get going. i dont cry as much anymore but im fairly certain its cause my body has run out of tears since the stabbing pain in my chest hasnt really dissipated. i watch romantic comedies all the time and i cry. its a romantic comedy its supposed to be sweet and funny there's no reason for crying. my girl friends say to forget him, my guy friends say to just give him time, i have no idea what im doing. the truth is im only settling for friendship because i am at a complete loss as to what i actually am supposed to do. numb. the last time i turned my heart off i became a total bitch. sure i got a lot of ass and a lot of free dinners but any satisfying relationships? i did what i was supposed to do. i forgot about him and played the field. i would play while i was in college then settle down once i got out of school and grad school and get married and have kids. and i got with a guy, a very nice perfectly good guy, and forced him to settle down. and when he left i really didnt know what to do. suddenly my plans for a life of bliss fell apart. then came the losers one right after the other. men that i dated cause they were hot, they were nice, they were close to me, whatever stupid reason i had. i tried to force another relationship with a guy who was not right for me til that also came crashing down.
thats when i met you. that feeling of being high on life, of being elated all the time. waking up with a smile, falling asleep with a smile, what did you call it, smitten? and then just like before, it all just ended. where do i go from here. im not 18 anymore, i dont have college to rebound. im 26. im supposed to pick up the pieces and tell myself that i deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me, blah blah blah. ok then i will. ill keep telling myself that you made the mistake of leaving and i will be better for it and all those things that are supposed to help you get over a break up because if ur ever just sad about being dumped you're seen as a pathetic loser. i dont want to be a pathetic loser . i dont want to be some desperate ex girlfriend who cant get over the fact that she lost someone who made her life so complete. thats weak. im strong, im the strongest, everyone looks to me because i have all my shit together and frankly im exhausted. sure i have a good job, i can buy anything i want, i live in a nice place, i travel, i see my family and friends i have everything. and yet in my heart and soul i feel like that 18 year old girl again driving home in the middle of the night in the pouring rain listening to green day's american idiot. wondering how and why this could've ended. ill admit at least you didn't sleep with me then break up with me then propose that we can still hook up when im in town. so i guess thats what 8 years of growing up got me. in all my years of dating ive finally figured out how to not date a man that just wants to sleep with me. right? hahaha, that's hilarious. i know nothing. where do i go from here, what do i do. move on i guess. move on to what. someone that is nice that i form a connection with and eventually grow to love. someone who will probably be a good father to my children. or do i wait another 10 years hoping and praying that i meet another man a THIRD man in my life that makes me happy to be alive? what are the odds of that. and then ill be close to 40. its hard to stay positive when so many negative things happen. career, finances and stuff like that, i can control. ive got that all in order and i like where its going. love? love is a fickle beast. one moment its laying with you the next it's ripping the heart from your chest. the one thing in the world i cant control. whats that saying, if you love something let it go and if it comes back it's truly yours? so tell me...anyone...has it ever come back?
thats when i met you. that feeling of being high on life, of being elated all the time. waking up with a smile, falling asleep with a smile, what did you call it, smitten? and then just like before, it all just ended. where do i go from here. im not 18 anymore, i dont have college to rebound. im 26. im supposed to pick up the pieces and tell myself that i deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me, blah blah blah. ok then i will. ill keep telling myself that you made the mistake of leaving and i will be better for it and all those things that are supposed to help you get over a break up because if ur ever just sad about being dumped you're seen as a pathetic loser. i dont want to be a pathetic loser . i dont want to be some desperate ex girlfriend who cant get over the fact that she lost someone who made her life so complete. thats weak. im strong, im the strongest, everyone looks to me because i have all my shit together and frankly im exhausted. sure i have a good job, i can buy anything i want, i live in a nice place, i travel, i see my family and friends i have everything. and yet in my heart and soul i feel like that 18 year old girl again driving home in the middle of the night in the pouring rain listening to green day's american idiot. wondering how and why this could've ended. ill admit at least you didn't sleep with me then break up with me then propose that we can still hook up when im in town. so i guess thats what 8 years of growing up got me. in all my years of dating ive finally figured out how to not date a man that just wants to sleep with me. right? hahaha, that's hilarious. i know nothing. where do i go from here, what do i do. move on i guess. move on to what. someone that is nice that i form a connection with and eventually grow to love. someone who will probably be a good father to my children. or do i wait another 10 years hoping and praying that i meet another man a THIRD man in my life that makes me happy to be alive? what are the odds of that. and then ill be close to 40. its hard to stay positive when so many negative things happen. career, finances and stuff like that, i can control. ive got that all in order and i like where its going. love? love is a fickle beast. one moment its laying with you the next it's ripping the heart from your chest. the one thing in the world i cant control. whats that saying, if you love something let it go and if it comes back it's truly yours? so tell me...anyone...has it ever come back?
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