if i had known

if i had known.  if i had known it was going to be our last night together i would've tried harder.  i would've made it sweeter, lighter, happier.  i would've smiled more, judged less.  i would've kissed you more deeply and loved you more passionately.  i would've insisted on not being too tired to make love. so many things i would've done if i had known.  but i guess that's when happens when good things come to end.  they just...end. no climax, no one last hoorah, no finale.  just emptiness and space.  and tomorrow morning ill wake up a different woman.  the sheets still smell like you. the roses you gave me are still on the living room table.  if i had known that would be the last time i hugged you i would've held you closer, held you tighter.  in my heart i want to wake up and pretend that all of this didn't happen.  that we were still in love.  were we?  who the fuck knows.  i just know this is not what i wanted.  waking up empty, cold, alone. again. thanksgiving. again. like seriously fuck this holiday, it's starting to remind me of all the things i'm not thankful for.  i find myself closing my eyes and imagining you coming back to me, saying that you still care about me and miss me and want me. saying that you still find me attractive, looking at me with those love sick eyes.  i wonder what my birthday present was. guess ill never know. i also know it's going to kill me every time i drive up to your building to tutor your neighbor.  and ill stare up at the window longingly like romeo did for juliet.  ill sit in my car and wait, hoping that maybe ill run into you on your way out. ill be wandering what crosses your mind when you see my car.  you asked me how you can miss someone when they've only been gone a few hours.  sweetie it's been 3 hours and i miss you more than i ever have before.  what happened to me, to us, what happened to falling in love, staying up late, never getting enough of each other.  what happened to love, to never giving up, to second chances.  what happened to a boy who likes a girl and became a man to win her heart.  what happened to walks to the grocery store, yogurtland, making dinners. what happened to all day sex-athons and snuggling.  god just what happened to us.  if i had known sweetie that this was the end, if i had any inkling this was coming.  i wouldn't have let you go.

forgotten

i have forgotten. forgotten what it feels like to be wanted, desired, to be interesting.  it wasn't til this moment that i realize i have forgotten what it's like to be asked what i wanted, how i felt, even when i was free.  there was a time i was asked weeks in advance when i would have time to spend a whole day with you because you wanted to see me so badly.  i have forgotten what's it like to not beg for a spare moment of yours.  every time i want to see you i have to ask because i have forgotten what it's like to be asked.  to be that girl who has it all.  you never ask anymore.  i can't even remember the last time you asked me for a moment of my time.  can't remember the last time you asked me when i was free so we could hang out because you wanted to see me.  i remember the last time you asked me to skype was so long ago i was in complete shock when i read it. what would happen if i didn't ask when you were free?  it's gotten so bad that even when i ask when you're free you tell me that you have to check and i find out later that you're really just filling your calendar with other people you want to see before you want to see me.  i learned this weekend that i have forgotten what good morning meant, forgotten what a surprise feels like versus an obligation, i have forgotten what two people wanting to be in the same place at the same time feels like.  and it felt so good.  and it makes me sad that we used to feel that way and that you don't anymore.  i don't know maybe you do but i don't feel that way from you anymore. i have forgotten the way you look at me.  i have forgotten what your smile sounds like. i have just simply forgotten.  is it my fault for forgetting or yours for not transmitting.  i guess i'll never know.  all i know is i miss you, i miss us, and i miss that feeling.  and i hate, i hate having forgotten.  but what i hate even more is being forgotten.  like screaming and shouting and jumping up and down and everyone notices but you.  you've forgotten what i sound like when i smile, my laughter, my joy.  i'd rather be rejected, neglected, insulted that forgotten.  it's like im so insignificant that i couldn't even be bothered to be actively negatively treated.  it just happens out of sheer annoyance and laziness.  it's like not being loved or hated or feared or liked.  it's like not being worthy of any emotions short of an empty space in your head that you are now filling with other things.  forgotten, what a terrible feeling.  that feeling of knowing if i was to walk away right now, that nothing in your life would change.  that one day you may wake up and notice that something was different, but not be able to put your finger on it, then fall back asleep acknowledging that it must not be that important.  i'm what's different, i'm what's missing, please don't fall back asleep.  remember me.  remember me.