I think it's happening again. The butterflies in my stomach, the mysterious smile that creeps its way across my face when i see his texts. That sense of anxious excitement when i know i get to see him that day. Why...tell me WHY THE FUCK do i always fall for the wrong guys. See here's the problem. This guy is literally amazing, except when he's not. Sometimes he can be so mean and insensitive you'd think he was born an asshole. But i just cant seem to put my finger on exactly what causes him to flip a switch like that. I think it has something to do with the drinking and the substances but hey it's all theories. He really doesn't do that much. Drinks everyday, yes. I enjoy some wine/beer a few times a week, hey we all have our vices. He also smokes weed at least once a week...i hate it. It is fucking disgusting, but whatever...i get maybe life is too difficult to deal with sober (sad but true). We've been dating for 4 months now and so far he's done 2 drugs that make me very uncomfortable. As someone in the medical field and also as someone who cares deeply for this guy, I don't want to see him get hurt (which he has) while he's on that stuff. And that's only the stuff I know about. God knows what he's taken, whose he's doing, or where he's going that I dont know about. So everytime he goes somewhere I think "is he on anything tonight? is he going to do anything stupid and end up in the fucking hospital? is he going to fuck some random coke whore?" I've had boyfriends who were pot dealers, boyfriends who ended up in the hospital due to their stupidity, boyfriends who were drowning in their own cloud of smoke, trust me...ive given the whole substance thing a real run. And you know what? I fucking hate it. it makes me nervous, anxious in a hand wringing kind of way. I dont want another call from the hospital...i dont want to have another fight over why weed is more important than me...i dont want to ever put myself in an area of gunfire ever again. but then thats just it isnt it. its not my choice. its his choice. i might be falling in love and willing to give up things i enjoy like sleeping with random hot men, but is he willing to give up things he enjoys for my peace of mind? i dont think so . its not the first time ive dealt with something like this and it always ends up the same. doesn't matter if he's falling in love and ready to propose, the substance always wins. why is that? what is it about that stuff that is so freaking amazing that it gives you a better trip than being in love, being happy, having the love of your life or a family or the American dream? maybe thats just my dream. to be in a relationship that people look at and are insanely jealous of how much we love each other and how much we care for each other. i dont want people to ask me where my boyfriend is and for me to have absolutely no idea where or what or who he's doing. but how do you tell someone that in order for this relationship to move forward that he needs to grow up and give that stuff up. to realize that people care about his safety and hes not just some reckless 19 year old partying it up anymore. but he's not my boyfriend. he made that extremely clear last night...you know he used to introduce me by name...now he tells everyone this is my friend. friend? i tried out that word last night "boyfriend." he stopped what he was doing, looked me dead in the eye and said "i am NOT your boyfriend." funny thing is a few months ago thats all he wanted to be. seems more and more all he wants is a fuck buddy. i asked him if he was seeing multiple girls, i didnt get a straight answer. i guess i dont mind but id like to know. i hate liars. i hate being deceived. maybe he is seeing other girls. maybe when he says he's "busy" or "hanging with the guys" he's really slipping it to someone else as they say. maybe he wanted to be my boyfriend but has since changed his mind but doesnt mind the tail action on the side. i dont know. i dont know if this stuff would be better brought up before or after i leave the country for a month. would it be better to know now that he doesnt want me and to spend all of europe getting over him, or know now that he does want me and spending all of europe tied to a boyfriend. or better yet coming home after a month and finding out hes slept with half of los angeles and that he doesnt want me then immediately ruining my vacation high and plunging me into some sort of depression. i dont know. he says i dont understand hallucinogens and pills. not personally no...i just know biologically what they do to a person. and i know what they do to the men ive loved. and i just cant go through it again. but then i lose him. course if he's so attached to that stuff that he's willing to give up love i suppose ive already lost him. or maybe he just isnt falling for me the same way i am for him. why...WHY THE FUCK does this always happen to me?
