you know, they say that men and woman can't be friends. thats theres always someone with an ulterior motive. my mom always says youre single until youre not and i always say an ex is an ex for a reason. and yet with all this wonderful advice flowing my way i cant help but ignore all of it. because the heart wants what the heart wants and what the heart wants most is to be loved. love, its a sickness i tell u, a systemic disease that infects every part of your soul. theres no cure, theres no antidote, for fucks sake theres not even a treatment to help cure the symptoms. love is like a cold, u just have to wait it out til it goes away and until then ur fucking miserable. like, in bed, down in the dumps, stuffy nose, achy throat, no appetite, no will to get up out of bed, just nothing. u are down for the count and nobody wants to get near you for fear they may catch whatever horrible tempest of depression is welling up inside of u. we broke up 2 months ago...almost to the day actually. its been hard, really hard, much harder than i thought it would be and i am much weaker than i thought i was. today i broke..just straight up snapped like a twig in two like popping the head off a barbie doll. u see he invited me to his birthday party at disneyland (a birthday that btw when we were together he insisted on wanting to spend completely alone *cough cough* aka not with me) and i was really excited cause this was going to be the first time im seeing his friends since the break up. i was like, if only i could get them on my side then maybe he'll see how wonderful i am and we can get back together. he emailed all of us about the itinerary and told us to figure out carpool arrangements. i asked him if i could carpool with him and he said his car was full. HIS CAR WAS FULL. are u kidding, he didnt even ask me if i needed a ride he just assumed id magic my way over there by myself. i snapped. i told him that i was not cool that he basically alienate me from the group. you see these are all his friends, his best friends and they all know each other (and most live together)...which means i have no one to carpool with. which means im driving down alone, attempting to find them in the maze that is disneyland, basically being ignored the whole day, then driving home alone. happiest place on earth my ass. so i said no, im not going, im not going to play the desperate ex card of someone who just cant get over u so im going to tag along with ur group saying "please pay attention to me!" nope, just not gonna do it, i want to because i do desperately want you back but i just cant, as a woman, keep my dignity and beg for your attention. you did this when we were together and its a big reason why i became so angry. u alienate me from you friends and from your life. u dont want to include me but u feel like u have to. he said when we broke up that he doesnt want me to feel demoted....im demoted...i mean if we were really friends and i was the one friend who didnt know your other friends you would go out of your way to make sure that i wasnt all awkward and to make the transition comfortable. but no...im not ur friend, im not the girl u like, im not anyone..im ur pitiful sad sorry ex that everyone wishes would just go away already. me...ME...u know some people have told me that im the strongest person they know, that ive overcome every obstacle in my path and that i have my shit together. the truth is i have had no other choice. am i going to kill myself, no but at the same time i cant live in misery like this forever. i cant go to bed every night dreaming of man that will never be mine, and i cant walk through everyday loving a man who is more concerned with video games and weed than me. what happened, what happened to us i ask myself almost every 5 seconds. there was a time not too long ago that you looked at me with total adoration. like i was the best thing since sliced bread and you could not go through ur day without talking to me...and now...now u cant even look at me. and the worst part is...i have no idea what i did or said to deserve this kind of treatment. what did i do wrong...god please tell me what i did wrong so if i am ever lucky enough to find another man who adores me that i will not make the same mistake again. how could u u not know, how could u not notice, i was happy. i was happy before i met you i was esctatic i thought that my life wouldnt get better and i was content. and then i met you and the world became brighter and my heart lighter and i didnt even realize that i could shine that brightly. u brought that out in me..the light. and then just as fast as u came u left even swifter. and although my world is still beautiful and my light still bright it will never be as bright as it was when i was with you. how am i supposed to go back to what i thought was fulfilling life without u in it. i dont know...i dont know but all i know is all this torturing of me trying to convince you that you love me is exhausting and frankly quite stupid. maybe u never loved me at all, maybe those looks of adoration i totally made up in my mind, maybe i was so blinded by my love for u that i didnt see u not caring for me at all. i dont know what to do. God help me, somebody help me, anybody help me...
