Change is good, growth is better.

It pains me to say this but I was really happy earlier today and now I am a little down.  This morning I booked tickets to my sister's graduation and my one month long backpacking tour through Europe.  I was over the moon about exploring, taking photos, vlogging my whole damn journey. I told everyone I just couldn't keep such great news to myself!  I came home and cleaned a little, sat down to check facebook and saw a picture of my friends hanging out without me.  You see, this lady and I had a falling out a few weeks ago.  I snapped at her because she just seems to hate every man I've ever been with and she snapped at me because apparently I'm a judgmental bitch.  I'm not saying either of us was right or wrong but what I do know is that now neither of us are talking.  It's sad really.  Seeing her inviting our friends out to do fun things like hiking or dancing or cooking or all the fun things we used to do together.  facebook has this wonderful feature when you can look at the friendship you've had with someone through pictures and facebook wall posts.  i went to this page trying to find a way to unsubscribe from her on my news feed because the pain of looking at those pictures without me in it was too much.  and as i stalked our history i realized that we had a lot of good times together.  that there was a point in our lives when we were best friends.  saw each other everyday, knew each others deepest secrets.  we were neighbors, roommates, sisters.  and now what are we?  now it seems we're strangers.  i fully believe that people walk in and out of your life and that the people that are meant to stay will always come back no matter how far we stray from each other.  i wonder if we could ever get back to that point.  that point of comfort, when we had each other's backs, when we thought that this friendship could never ever end.  i invited her to superbowl sunday but she already had other plans.  i will continue to invite her out whenever i go do something fun because that's what friends do.  I don't know how long she will exclude me from her life but hopefully not forever.  im excited about my Europe trip and also terrified.  because its really not the places or things or views that make traveling fun.  its' the people.  if you do it right you will meet the most interesting people in your life.  and for a few days you will be best of friends and share a bond that only others who dare venture on their own will share.  and then you will return home and only see their lives through facebook.  and then maybe one day in the distant future you will see them again.  people.  individuals are what make life worth living.  i dont know how this year is gonna roll. so far it's been pretty darn exciting and it's only been a couple months.  all i know is i sense a change coming.  and i feel like by the time 2014 rolls around ill be a whole different woman.  im anxious, scared even to meet her, but im ready. i was born ready. change is good, but growth is better.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

oddly satisfied

i feel oddly satisfied right now. just made another appointment with the plumber and am sincerely hoping on tuesday my kitchen sink will be back in working order. is it weird? to gain a small amount of gratification knowing you're taking steps into fixing something broken. but i guess thats why we're all here in the first place.  i wonder if the universe ever thought to put us on this planet already fixed and ready to go so we could do what we were meant to do and not end up in the junkyard.  many people say that they would not have achieved all that theyve achieved, would not have helped or touched the lives that they did if it weren't for the hardships they experienced.  then i pose the question, are we purposely put on this planet broken?  with turmoils, hardships and trouble already built into our fabric of fate in order to "fix" us into the meaningful lives we wish to fulfill?  that would mean that all the shit ive been through and all the people whove left me and all the betrayal and the lies and the, well everything, was all to make me into the person i ultimately was supposed to become anyways.  fixed, perfect, purposeful. doing exactly what i was meant to do and precisely the integral piece of a large work of machinery we call life.  somehow it makes me less sad to know or at least to imagine that my heartbreaks will make me love greater one day. or the betrayal will allow me to understand the full meaning of trust and support so that i may give unto others.  failure will make me recognize success and poverty will make me appreciate riches. not going to lie i am afraid to live again. to love. to me so invigorated by life that i cant wait to go to sleep at night just because i know itll bring me the next morning.  so many tasks ive yet to complete because that would mean i have completed them, now what? i finally mailed in the letter to get my name changed on my mileage.  that way i can book my ticket to europe and make it all official.  but im scared.  what if it isnt the eye opener i think it will be?  what if somehow, a backpacking tour through europe solo and soul searching in fact leaves me empty handed?  did i hype it up in my head or is it my fault for not seeking wisdom while abroad?  im seeing a guy right now.  a wonderful guy. he cant keep his hands off me. but instead of being flattered that he finds me so attractive i keep thinking is that all he wants from me? my ass?  he invited me over to hang out with his friends and all i keep thinking is, gosh we have nothing in common, how can i see this guy if his friends and i have nothing to talk about? he got us tickets to an event that is nearly 3 months from now and when his friends asked him are u selling the other ticket he said "o i think she might want to go" after i already told him i would pay him back. and all i kept thinking was why would he say might?  what is this negative outlook on life ive developed?  guys express their interest physically.  if he cant keep his hands off me it means he is that attracted to me. i mean he could have any girl in this city but he chose to see me after work.  sure im an easy target in that he doesnt have to put the effort in to pick me up at the bar but if anything im more effort because he still calls me afterward.  and no his friends and i may not have had anything to talk about the first couple times but hey i get along with him and they get along with him so must have enough sense to get along with each other.  its possible that its just hard introducing a new person into a new clique and theyre protective of him. i know im protective of my girls' new guys and i wanna know what theyre deal is.  the fact that theyre willing to hang out with me at all i should take as a form of flattery since i have a girlfriend who doesnt even want to meet this new guy (whole other story).  and maybe he said "might" because he didnt want to put me on the spot of making it sound like a for sure thing since he knows i want to take it slow and not commit just yet but the point is is that he bought that ticket for ME with the intention and hope that I will be the one to take it.  he basically told his friend, no this ticket is reserved for her should she choose to go but if for some reason she's a raging bitch and backs out then you can have it.  he took a trip to vegas with the last girl he dated for a month then dumped her sorry ass for not having any sexual chemistry.  dont know why i drew that parallel to me since we love having sex all the time (reason why im out of comission right now lol) but im worried that if we take this trip to sf and we dont click that he'll kick me to the curb. and now im thinking 1) thats not gonna happen cause im awesome and he'll love it and 2) so what if he does?  do i really wanna be with a guy i cant travel with seeing as thats such a big part of my life?  he invited me to thailand. i dont know if he was serious but i said no.  he probably knew i was gonna say no but still, thered be no reason to invite me if he didnt at least fantasize that it would be fun.  why am i still so paranoid? so conflicted? so torn?  i am tired of being sad, and slow, and lethargic. tired of being unproductive and apparently getting in trouble at work. february's goal is to 1) fix everything in the house including the AC and 2) book that europe trip.  by the end of the month i will have my flights booked and days approved off work.  in march i will work on taxes..and yes it will take me a whole month to work up the stamina to do taxes lol.  i may also take on refinancing the home. march can be financial month. if not then refinancing will be april. may i will be in europe galavanting and having the time of my life damn it and i think im going to keep a video diary cause that sounds rad. june i will be searching for a new awesome job at a hospital doing research or something exciting of the sort.  whatever it is the goal is get 40 hrs a week at higher salary not working in a trailer. by july i will hopefully have said job and will be training and getting used to me awesome new lifestyle. aug and sept have yet to be accounted for and i cannot WAIT for the next holiday season because there is no way it can be worse than 2012 *knocks on wood* goals..aspirations...o and im gonna lose some weight. im tired of being pudgy. the guy im with isnt pudgy so why should i have that luxury...for realz
Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles