what is it called when you have an undying rage against someone? when everytime you think of them tears well up in your eyes and you're just so damn pissed at what they did. i really dont think it was me. i really think it was you. i can honestly say that i put in 110% into this relationship and i left it all out on the table. sure i faltered here and there but fuck man you really screwed this up. i feel like ive spent the last 6 months trying my darnedest to keep us together and you have been trying your hardest to make us fall apart. no not fall, PUSH us apart. you are actively pushing me away and making me hate you but worse than that making me hate myself. you say im selfish, impatient, not understanding, crazy, wrong, unrealistic, and for all intents and purposes unfuckable. you know what you fucking asshole. i am exactly NONE of those things. and when i told you that i have heard from multiple people that i am none of those things you laughed and scoffed at the notion that i may have even an ounce of confidence in myself. as if just because you hate the very air you breathe that i have to somehow hate myself too and then we can both look to each other for validation. its simply not true. maybe it was before because i was so madly in love with you i couldn't see the harm you were causing me. i look back on these blogs posts and i realize that i have been feeling this way since august of LAST YEAR...that is 15 months of feeling unheard, misunderstood, mistreated, underappreciated, taken for granted, unloved, and worst of all unworthy. fuck you for fucking this up and fuck me for letting myself think for even 1 second that i was anything less than the amazing woman i am. i have patience, incredible patience, ive worked with and changed the lives of dozens of students over the span of 15 years of tutoring. one on one where i can see the change in their eyes when they finally start to get it. theyre so proud and so confident and so happy and thankful that i sat with them night after night never yelling, never expressing disappointment, never criticizing, just sitting patiently waiting for them to learn when they're ready. i am understanding. of all people im understanding. i worked as a maid scrubbing shit off someone's toilet. me, with my fancy college degree, and nuclear medicine license, and formerly sexy trophy wife body. on my hands and knees scrubbing shit. crying as im cleaning, crying because my body hurts because im up 20 hours a day working 6 days a week and on the 7th i just do homework but at least i get to sit. i understand unemployment, homelessness, disappointed mothers, absentee fathers, a family torn apart by oceans and languages and culture. i understand that when a person has absolutely nothing is when you really get to see what theyre made of. and even when i lost all hope i woke up everyday and kept going. many times i thought about quitting but i never did. not for 1 day. but you did didn't you. one day it just got so hard that you decided you were now going to put in zero effort to keep going. it was too hard, you were too sad, you didn't love yourself, you felt depressed and defeated. and everytime i tried to lift you up you accused me of pushing you down. when i tried to give you warmth and comfort you told me to fuck off. you are miserable because you CHOSE to be miserable. you chose to push me away, to not express yourself, to hide behind the world as if the world caused your problems when in reality you got dealt a bad hand and you refused to play with it. i will never be quiet, i will never use my inside voice, i will not be less crude or less overtly sexual or less of anything really. i will never lose my passion or my fervor or my thirst for ambition and life. and even if you take away everything from me. even when im crawling on the ground, literally, gained 20 lbs, havent seen my family in nearly a year or my friends, i will never lose my love for life. i made a decision a long time ago to NOT end my life. because my life was worth something and i was going to make sure that it would be worth a lot more. so no i will not change, not for you, not for my mom, not for anyone. im not the one who is depressed. im not the one who is miserable. im not the one who has friends who dont know me. im not the one who fakes a smile everyday just to keep up appearances. i am who i am and i am PROUD. i worked hard through blood, sweat, and tears so many fucking tears to be where i am today and there is no fucking way in hell im changing all that for you. if you're not happy with your life then YOU change it. dont ask someone else to change who they are to make you happy. your happiness is your choice and only you can make that decision. i am done. i am done. i am done. and now that we're over, now that i've told you that i am worth more than you know but i guess you'll never get to find out. now you want what you can't have. now you miss me. now you feel the cold of the world that i was previously trying to shelter your from when you rejected my support. now you miss the affection when before you literally pushed me off you. now with the "i love you"s and the "just calling to catch up" bullshit. its all fake. i know its fake. because i know how good you are at keeping up appearances. i aint falling for that shit no more. i want a life partner who is confident in who they are. they are happy they are fufilled they are beautiful just the way they are and they are just looking for someone to light up the night sky with. i am looking for a star. a beautiful brightly shining blazing star. because thats what i am. i am a star and the spotlight is on me and im looking for someone to duet with, not a fucking back up singer. if you aren't even the lead in your own movie, how can you expect to get the girl? clean your act up. figure out who you are. stop blaming me for your problems. figure out where you're going and how you're going to get there. i pray, i pray that one day you may shine as brightly as i know you have the potential to. but i am not going to let you put out my light just to make yours seem brighter. step up or step back. do or do not, there is no try.
