somewhere between expectations and poop

I wonder what it feels like, depression.  Some describe it as a dark cloud forever hanging over their heads.  Some say its a coldness that cant be heated.  How would you know if you're depressed?  Technically it's a chemical imbalance in the brain that cause someone to overproduce certain hormones that others only have when they're sad.  So tell me, how do you know when you're sad and when you're depressed?  Is it reversible?  Curable? Or merely treatable?  I think I am generally a sad, tormented individual.  People sometime describe me as bubbly, energetic, fun and fierce.  I guess I am all those things...sometimes.  But people who really know me know that I am familiar to sadness.  I can honestly say I've been through more in my life than most will in theirs and less than least will in theirs.  I guess you would say my life has been hard but it could've been much harder.  I once met a boy who grew up in Nigeria in a little village with no running water.  He was beaten everyday at school and forced to pick up the poop of his classmates and throw them into the bushes to dispose of them.  He went to school everyday, even when it took him far away from his family.  He was one of the few who went to high school from his village and from there came to America to attend college.  Learning all my pre-med courses were hard enough being a native English speaker.  I could not imagine having to learn o-chem in say...Swahili.  He is now getting his MD/PhD and will soon be a doctor.  My life could've been harder...I could've been beaten everyday at school instead of everyday at home.  And I wonder, if I could have not gone home to be beaten would I still have returned?  What kept this boy coming back to his place of torture every fucking day for YEARS?!  I don't think I'll ever know.  On the other end you have a boy who comes from a life of privilege.  A loving family, a gorgeous home, great schooling, really every opportunity in the world.  What I would give to have opportunities like his.  Probably my first born kid, since I know I'd be able to buy him back later.  And yet he too said he was depressed.  For a long time he didn't want to be around anymore.  Hidden in his shell, hoping to recede into the background. Tired of being picked on, being tormented.  Tired of being told to pay attention to things he found painfully boring.  Living under constant pressure and expectations to be a certain way and do certain things and for what?  Himself?  Society?  Maybe even his parents?  Me, I'm somewhere in the middle of those two. Somewhere in the middle of living up to expectations and picking up poop.  All I know is right now I'm motherfucking upset.  I don't know how long this sadness will last.  Usually I stay sad until something or someone comes along to make me happy. I have many things in my life that could be happy. I just bought a place and now that the turmoil of buying a place is over I can have fun decorating it.  I just had my surgery to cut out part of my cervix so maybe the next time I go in for a pap it'll be the first normal pap I've had in over a year!  Maybe my love and I will make it to our first year anniversary and I can finally feel what it's like to be with someone you love through all the good and bad for an unseemingly long amount of time.  Or maybe furnishing the place will be exhausting and tortuous. Maybe my next pap will come back worse than before and I will have to go in for more extensive surgery.  Maybe my boyfriend and I will break up tomorrow like we almost did tonight because he cant stand my sadness anymore and I can't force myself to be happy anymore.  Maybe by 2013 my whole life will seem completely no longer worth living. Maybe it'll be something to live for.  I don't know what's going to happen.  I don't know.  I just want to be happy.  I want to be with someone who can make me happy for the rest of my life.  To be hopelessly in love is like being on an endless high without the side effects of being a druggie.  To love and be loved for all eternity.  Now THAT is a line worth waiting in.

wtf

Alone. Somehow it always come down to this doesn't it?  I thought being nice to others would mean they will be nice to you in return, right? Wrong. one hundred percent mother fucking wrong.  being nice to other people means you're being nice to them.  it means you're a sucker. which is fine, sometimes making another person smile is well worth the effort.  but dont even expect them to be nice to you in return.  karma's a bitch and she's only there to see you fall flat on your face.  Somehow my life now parallels my life 6 years ago.  losing my boyfriend, my mother, my grades slipping, in and out of the hospital..its all coming back to me now, the horror of the world.  i went in for surgery this morning, had some pre-cancer cells in my cervix i just HAD to get rid of.  and when i woke up guess who was there to greet me. mi madre tells me we are goin to the dmv...10 minutes after i woke up from surgery i directed my mother to the dmv so we could replace my license plates.  then we went to ihop to talk about how much money i owed her.  then we went home and thank god she passed out for 3 hours cause she is sick too.  momentary peace, the calm before the storm. when she woke up she asked me what else is there to do on our list today.  what else? how about sleep and rest since i just fucking HAD SURGERY! nope, we steam cleaned the carpet instead. then proceeded to clean the kitchen.  then as if i wasnt exhausted enough already my boyfriend fucking comes over to "see me" which really translates into "my body is here but my mind is not. i am busy writing up business cards."  finally my mom leaves and i ask him why we dont do anything fun anymore. he says that hes busy. im busy too doesnt mean i dont enjoy romance.  but apparently when hes busy im the first person he decides can wait.  we argue. i cry.  loneliness. i tell him it really hurts my feelings when i say that i need him and he has other things hed rather be doing.  he says that he understands and that he will try to be there for me,  then i say that i need him tonight because im having a particularly rough day. he says he needs to go home and do laundry because he has no clean underwear.  i lost. i lost the battle for my boyfriend to dirty boxer briefs.  he asks if i want to see him tomorrow. what if you're busy. what if im not.  well i guess if you're not busy and you have nothing else to do and you're bored of being alone then you can fit me into your schedule huh!  bullshit. i want to be with someone who wants to move shit around during their day just so they can see me.  not someone who has me on reserve as his "well if theres nothing else to do..."  we used to be in love.  we used to be that sickeningly cute couple that other people would throw up at because we were so damn cute.  we used to go to comedy shows and dinner dates, dress up for each other and go out.  we used to cook dinner and come up with random foods we wanted to try. and now?  now he'd rather be doing laundry...he'd rather be smoking weed...he'd rather be doing anything else than spend the night falling asleep with me in his arms.  i guess its me and you pillow. as it was so many years ago.  me, my pillow, and alcohol....LOTS of alcohol.  i drank a lot, fucked a lot, and serial dated my way through college.  i wonder how im going to get over abandonment, heart break, and hating my life this time.  i hope it doesnt involve more fucking cause im pretty sure thats how i got the HPV that caused my cervical pre-cancer bull in the first place.  great so everytime i have my heart broken i get cancer?  ...this is gonna be a short life indeed.