wtf

Alone. Somehow it always come down to this doesn't it?  I thought being nice to others would mean they will be nice to you in return, right? Wrong. one hundred percent mother fucking wrong.  being nice to other people means you're being nice to them.  it means you're a sucker. which is fine, sometimes making another person smile is well worth the effort.  but dont even expect them to be nice to you in return.  karma's a bitch and she's only there to see you fall flat on your face.  Somehow my life now parallels my life 6 years ago.  losing my boyfriend, my mother, my grades slipping, in and out of the hospital..its all coming back to me now, the horror of the world.  i went in for surgery this morning, had some pre-cancer cells in my cervix i just HAD to get rid of.  and when i woke up guess who was there to greet me. mi madre tells me we are goin to the dmv...10 minutes after i woke up from surgery i directed my mother to the dmv so we could replace my license plates.  then we went to ihop to talk about how much money i owed her.  then we went home and thank god she passed out for 3 hours cause she is sick too.  momentary peace, the calm before the storm. when she woke up she asked me what else is there to do on our list today.  what else? how about sleep and rest since i just fucking HAD SURGERY! nope, we steam cleaned the carpet instead. then proceeded to clean the kitchen.  then as if i wasnt exhausted enough already my boyfriend fucking comes over to "see me" which really translates into "my body is here but my mind is not. i am busy writing up business cards."  finally my mom leaves and i ask him why we dont do anything fun anymore. he says that hes busy. im busy too doesnt mean i dont enjoy romance.  but apparently when hes busy im the first person he decides can wait.  we argue. i cry.  loneliness. i tell him it really hurts my feelings when i say that i need him and he has other things hed rather be doing.  he says that he understands and that he will try to be there for me,  then i say that i need him tonight because im having a particularly rough day. he says he needs to go home and do laundry because he has no clean underwear.  i lost. i lost the battle for my boyfriend to dirty boxer briefs.  he asks if i want to see him tomorrow. what if you're busy. what if im not.  well i guess if you're not busy and you have nothing else to do and you're bored of being alone then you can fit me into your schedule huh!  bullshit. i want to be with someone who wants to move shit around during their day just so they can see me.  not someone who has me on reserve as his "well if theres nothing else to do..."  we used to be in love.  we used to be that sickeningly cute couple that other people would throw up at because we were so damn cute.  we used to go to comedy shows and dinner dates, dress up for each other and go out.  we used to cook dinner and come up with random foods we wanted to try. and now?  now he'd rather be doing laundry...he'd rather be smoking weed...he'd rather be doing anything else than spend the night falling asleep with me in his arms.  i guess its me and you pillow. as it was so many years ago.  me, my pillow, and alcohol....LOTS of alcohol.  i drank a lot, fucked a lot, and serial dated my way through college.  i wonder how im going to get over abandonment, heart break, and hating my life this time.  i hope it doesnt involve more fucking cause im pretty sure thats how i got the HPV that caused my cervical pre-cancer bull in the first place.  great so everytime i have my heart broken i get cancer?  ...this is gonna be a short life indeed.