I went to starbucks yesterday. i freakin cried at starbucks. almost ordered a caramel macchiato til i realized it made me think of u and decided to go with a salty caramel mocha instead. i wonder how many times i will have to go to starbucks to stop thinking about us frequenting the starbucks by your old place. those were sweeter times i suppose. i talked to my twin today. made me feel better. thought maybe id go to bed without crying this time. looks like i was wrong. i took a melatonin, so maybe that'll kick in soon. checked your fbook. saw that 5 years ago someone else you fucked used to call u the same thing i call u. somehow the tears stopped and i felt instantly less special. i guess one day ill wake up and no longer feel the pang of emptiness in my life that you've left behind. cant wait for that day to come cause mourning and healing blows. i can still smell your cologne on my sheets. i think thats what made me cry. to know ill never get to rest my head on your shoulder again. maybe i should wash the sheets. im going to your place tomorrow to pick up my stuff. you wont be there. its probably better. itll finally be clean, just like i always wanted. too bad ill never get to enjoy it. i realized most of the fond memories i have of us were at your old apartment. that means before July...it's almost November. I realized that all those feelings were real, still are for me, guess thats what makes this so tough. i dont know if ill find another connection like the one i had with you. maybe i wont. maybe what i feel for u is unique, special. maybe ill be lucky enough to form another unique and special connection with someone who will actually love me through thick and thin and never give up on me or us. maybe one day ill wake up and realize you were right about us, just like you were right about us not moving in together. all i know is right now i can't even buy starbucks. i miss you, i hate you, im slowly getting over you even though i dont want to. i know i deserve better but really all i want is for u to treat me better. prbly wont happen. no it wont happen. im sorry we want the same thing but just cant seem to get it. i love u.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
my how time flies
October 12, 2011:
I'm going to meet a guy that I met online. Seems cute enough in pictures, I hope he's cute in person. I hope we get along. I hope we don't run out of things to talk about. God, I really hope he's cute.
October 13, 2011:
OMG he's so freaking hot! and he's nice, and interesting, and we oddly didn't run out of things to talk about. in fact I'm going to text him right now to say I had a good time so he knows I thought he was awesome so we can go on a second date.
October 20, 2011:
Second date! Wonder what I'll wear. He said he's coming to pick me up. He's driving all the way from Hollywood cause he didn't realize how far LACMA was from me and didn't want me to have to drive far this time. How sweet! We went to the promenade. He's letting me hold his arm, how chivalrous. We had our first kiss by the fake moon on Santa Monica beach. He missed! it was awesome. Stayed up til 4am just talking, didn't even try to have sex with me. Best date of my life, and all we did was basically talk!
October 31, 2011:
What a freakin shit show! too bad he doesnt remember even sleeping with me, lol. dressing up in costumes, drinking, dancing, partying...we're so silly and fun!
November 1, 2011:
he asked me to be his girlfriend! how is it that i got so lucky that the only man in los angeles who wants to settle down wants to settle down with me!
Birthday 2011:
he got me a freaking little mermaid ice cream cake and a dozen roses....most perfectest boyfriend ever! and he looked so good in his suite! swear to god nothing could have made that night any better!
Thanksgiving, 2011:
I miss my boyfriend because he is far away. that's ok, he says ill get to go next year and every year after that. imagine, a place to go to for the holidays every year. how fucking awesome.
Christmas, 2011:
I got him Wicked tickets. He says he's never seen wicked and I got him tickets and we will see it and it will be aweomse! He is getting me an ipod...i will lose it....so in hindsight maybe not the best gift lol.
New Year's Eve, 2011:
Drive up the coast to Norcal. I've never taken a trip with a guy before and I have to say I need to do this more often. we stayed in all these romantic little places all up the coast then went out for new years in the castro with norcal friends. im falling in love. this guy is the best thing thats ever happened to me. i cant wait to spend the rest of forever feeling punch drunk love.
Valentine's Day, 2012:
We missed our dinner reservations. given it was my fault so i cant be mad, but it was still awesome. he got me lettuce ( i think they were supposed to be flowers) so sweet! i love it when he gets me flowers, even if its just green heads of lettuce haha. but we promised to make it up later!...we never did.
Happy 6 months!, 2012:
Went to Koi and then a show at the laugh factory. Koi is DELICIOUS. had the miso cod i believe, will never forget how delicious it was. there are pictures! we are so cute. look at us smile. we finally remembered to celebrate an anniversary! haha. he claims that 6 months is a big deal. its the longest relationship ive ever been in, so i believe him.
Vegas for Ang's bday, 2012:
its memorial day and we're spending it in vegas for my friend's bday. originally only i was supposed to go because we fought and were "taking a break" when i bought all my tickets. but then a week later he said he missed me and loved me and we were off our break and on our way to vegas. we had so much fun, we got a little too drunk, we fought on the first night. i was cold and wanted to leave the club. i dont remember what we fought about, but i think it was something about him not taking the lead. we ended up leaving and going home and things were better.
my boyfriend's birthday, 2012:
we're going on a trip to norcal! its also the twin's bday so its like a 2 in 1 trip! ive made a surprise for him. so excited. i booked a junior suite at this super nice ass hotel in union square. also bought lots of sexy lingerie. he is going to be stoked!....he was totally stoked! the surprise totally worked, like he didn't even realize what was going on til we were in the room! god im so good. and he totally LOVED the lingerie, but then again, who wouldn't? hehe
August 19, 2012:
his best friend's wedding. no, not the movie, we were in Connecticut. i didnt think i was going to get to go to the wedding since we had been fighting because he wasnt booking the tickets. i guess we had been fighting a lot because at this point we had broken up twice. but in the end i still went. it was the most romantic time i have ever spent with anyone. wedding's are fabulous! everyone is punch drunk love and in such a great mood. i thought wow, i really could do this forever.
October 17, 2012:
I am not going to his house for thanksgiving. apparently the tickets are too expensive. i dont believe him. we argue. we argued over something that i cannot recall. i think maybe it had to do with us argueing over the weekend. i dont remember. i am pissed, he didnt tell me earlier about thanksgiving after i already asked for the time off. im convinced he doesnt love me anymore. he convinces me otherwise saying hes still crazy about me and that we will try to make it work.
October 18, 2012:
I am still hurt about thanksgiving. so hurt in fact that i tell him he needs to fix it or we're done. in hindsight not the best wording because he really didnt fix it and we really are done. he is mad. i am mad. nothing gets solved.
October 19, 2012:
he says its not fair for me to make him pick between him and his family. i told him that is not wht i meant and that i would never do such a thing. he says good because he would always pick his family anyways. yes i know but it still makes me feel shitty when you say it. i say just come to disneyland and we will pretend the whole thing didnt happen and that we will talk about it later.
October 20, 2012, 5:01AM:
i've decided to call in sick for work. he tells me he doesnt love me anymore. tells me he doesnt have those same feelings he had when we first met. doenst feel like he is the same person. he doesnt like the person he is now around me. he says he doesnt love me anymore. says that he's given me countless chances. i tell him how his family's rejecting me for thanksgiving really hurt my feelings. i was trying to stay calm this weekend. i was trying to think rationally. i thought maybe if he knew how i felt he might be more understanding. he tells me he doesnt love me and all i can think about is him hugging me tonight. his hand on the small of my back. his lips on mine. and despite everything im saying and everything hes not all i can hear is that he doesnt love me. and all i can feel is the absence of his hugs. and the absence of his hand on my back. my how we have come full circle. this time last year we were falling in love. now we're falling out of it. or rather, he doesnt love me and i wanna curl up into a ball and die. we've been fighting for a while. i guess i should've known this was coming. but i didn't. it hurt. im hurt. i should've been prepared but i wasn't. part of me is still thinking that maybe a few days from now he'll miss me and call me and say we'll give it another shot. but i know he won't. why would he, he doesnt love me anymore. i know what you'll say. you'll say that i can do better, that i will bounce back, that im young, that ill figure it out. and maybe ur right. but right now i just want him back. he asked me why i cant let him go. i told him i loved him and i dont just leave people. he said he wasn't going to change his mind. i told him it was mean of him to ask me to pour my heart out even more if he wasnt going to at least consider it.
October 20, 2012, 5:09AM:
im now going to drink a bottle of pomegranate wine. i am going to watch the movie he's just not that into you, which inevitably will make me hope that maybe he is into me. maybe itll work out. maybe we can get that loving feeling back. that we could live forever in that state of bliss and happiness and joy. but even though in my head i hope and i dream and i wish, in my heart i know that it wont come true. sad isn't it. that a year ago i wanted to spend the rest of my life with this guy. and a year later he doesnt want to spend another moment with me.
I'm going to meet a guy that I met online. Seems cute enough in pictures, I hope he's cute in person. I hope we get along. I hope we don't run out of things to talk about. God, I really hope he's cute.
October 13, 2011:
OMG he's so freaking hot! and he's nice, and interesting, and we oddly didn't run out of things to talk about. in fact I'm going to text him right now to say I had a good time so he knows I thought he was awesome so we can go on a second date.
October 20, 2011:
Second date! Wonder what I'll wear. He said he's coming to pick me up. He's driving all the way from Hollywood cause he didn't realize how far LACMA was from me and didn't want me to have to drive far this time. How sweet! We went to the promenade. He's letting me hold his arm, how chivalrous. We had our first kiss by the fake moon on Santa Monica beach. He missed! it was awesome. Stayed up til 4am just talking, didn't even try to have sex with me. Best date of my life, and all we did was basically talk!
October 31, 2011:
What a freakin shit show! too bad he doesnt remember even sleeping with me, lol. dressing up in costumes, drinking, dancing, partying...we're so silly and fun!
November 1, 2011:
he asked me to be his girlfriend! how is it that i got so lucky that the only man in los angeles who wants to settle down wants to settle down with me!
Birthday 2011:
he got me a freaking little mermaid ice cream cake and a dozen roses....most perfectest boyfriend ever! and he looked so good in his suite! swear to god nothing could have made that night any better!
Thanksgiving, 2011:
I miss my boyfriend because he is far away. that's ok, he says ill get to go next year and every year after that. imagine, a place to go to for the holidays every year. how fucking awesome.
Christmas, 2011:
I got him Wicked tickets. He says he's never seen wicked and I got him tickets and we will see it and it will be aweomse! He is getting me an ipod...i will lose it....so in hindsight maybe not the best gift lol.
New Year's Eve, 2011:
Drive up the coast to Norcal. I've never taken a trip with a guy before and I have to say I need to do this more often. we stayed in all these romantic little places all up the coast then went out for new years in the castro with norcal friends. im falling in love. this guy is the best thing thats ever happened to me. i cant wait to spend the rest of forever feeling punch drunk love.
Valentine's Day, 2012:
We missed our dinner reservations. given it was my fault so i cant be mad, but it was still awesome. he got me lettuce ( i think they were supposed to be flowers) so sweet! i love it when he gets me flowers, even if its just green heads of lettuce haha. but we promised to make it up later!...we never did.
Happy 6 months!, 2012:
Went to Koi and then a show at the laugh factory. Koi is DELICIOUS. had the miso cod i believe, will never forget how delicious it was. there are pictures! we are so cute. look at us smile. we finally remembered to celebrate an anniversary! haha. he claims that 6 months is a big deal. its the longest relationship ive ever been in, so i believe him.
Vegas for Ang's bday, 2012:
its memorial day and we're spending it in vegas for my friend's bday. originally only i was supposed to go because we fought and were "taking a break" when i bought all my tickets. but then a week later he said he missed me and loved me and we were off our break and on our way to vegas. we had so much fun, we got a little too drunk, we fought on the first night. i was cold and wanted to leave the club. i dont remember what we fought about, but i think it was something about him not taking the lead. we ended up leaving and going home and things were better.
my boyfriend's birthday, 2012:
we're going on a trip to norcal! its also the twin's bday so its like a 2 in 1 trip! ive made a surprise for him. so excited. i booked a junior suite at this super nice ass hotel in union square. also bought lots of sexy lingerie. he is going to be stoked!....he was totally stoked! the surprise totally worked, like he didn't even realize what was going on til we were in the room! god im so good. and he totally LOVED the lingerie, but then again, who wouldn't? hehe
August 19, 2012:
his best friend's wedding. no, not the movie, we were in Connecticut. i didnt think i was going to get to go to the wedding since we had been fighting because he wasnt booking the tickets. i guess we had been fighting a lot because at this point we had broken up twice. but in the end i still went. it was the most romantic time i have ever spent with anyone. wedding's are fabulous! everyone is punch drunk love and in such a great mood. i thought wow, i really could do this forever.
October 17, 2012:
I am not going to his house for thanksgiving. apparently the tickets are too expensive. i dont believe him. we argue. we argued over something that i cannot recall. i think maybe it had to do with us argueing over the weekend. i dont remember. i am pissed, he didnt tell me earlier about thanksgiving after i already asked for the time off. im convinced he doesnt love me anymore. he convinces me otherwise saying hes still crazy about me and that we will try to make it work.
October 18, 2012:
I am still hurt about thanksgiving. so hurt in fact that i tell him he needs to fix it or we're done. in hindsight not the best wording because he really didnt fix it and we really are done. he is mad. i am mad. nothing gets solved.
October 19, 2012:
he says its not fair for me to make him pick between him and his family. i told him that is not wht i meant and that i would never do such a thing. he says good because he would always pick his family anyways. yes i know but it still makes me feel shitty when you say it. i say just come to disneyland and we will pretend the whole thing didnt happen and that we will talk about it later.
October 20, 2012, 5:01AM:
i've decided to call in sick for work. he tells me he doesnt love me anymore. tells me he doesnt have those same feelings he had when we first met. doenst feel like he is the same person. he doesnt like the person he is now around me. he says he doesnt love me anymore. says that he's given me countless chances. i tell him how his family's rejecting me for thanksgiving really hurt my feelings. i was trying to stay calm this weekend. i was trying to think rationally. i thought maybe if he knew how i felt he might be more understanding. he tells me he doesnt love me and all i can think about is him hugging me tonight. his hand on the small of my back. his lips on mine. and despite everything im saying and everything hes not all i can hear is that he doesnt love me. and all i can feel is the absence of his hugs. and the absence of his hand on my back. my how we have come full circle. this time last year we were falling in love. now we're falling out of it. or rather, he doesnt love me and i wanna curl up into a ball and die. we've been fighting for a while. i guess i should've known this was coming. but i didn't. it hurt. im hurt. i should've been prepared but i wasn't. part of me is still thinking that maybe a few days from now he'll miss me and call me and say we'll give it another shot. but i know he won't. why would he, he doesnt love me anymore. i know what you'll say. you'll say that i can do better, that i will bounce back, that im young, that ill figure it out. and maybe ur right. but right now i just want him back. he asked me why i cant let him go. i told him i loved him and i dont just leave people. he said he wasn't going to change his mind. i told him it was mean of him to ask me to pour my heart out even more if he wasnt going to at least consider it.
October 20, 2012, 5:09AM:
im now going to drink a bottle of pomegranate wine. i am going to watch the movie he's just not that into you, which inevitably will make me hope that maybe he is into me. maybe itll work out. maybe we can get that loving feeling back. that we could live forever in that state of bliss and happiness and joy. but even though in my head i hope and i dream and i wish, in my heart i know that it wont come true. sad isn't it. that a year ago i wanted to spend the rest of my life with this guy. and a year later he doesnt want to spend another moment with me.
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