starbucks

I went to starbucks yesterday.  i freakin cried at starbucks.  almost ordered a caramel macchiato til i realized it made me think of u and decided to go with a salty caramel mocha instead.  i wonder how many times i will have to go to starbucks to stop thinking about us frequenting the starbucks by your old place.  those were sweeter times i suppose.  i talked to my twin today.  made me feel better. thought maybe id go to bed without crying this time.  looks like i was wrong.  i took a melatonin, so maybe that'll kick in soon.  checked your fbook. saw that 5 years ago someone else you fucked used to call u the same thing i call u. somehow the tears stopped and i felt instantly less special.  i guess one day ill wake up and no longer feel the pang of emptiness in my life that you've left behind.  cant wait for that day to come cause mourning and healing blows.  i can still smell your cologne on my sheets.  i think thats what made me cry. to know ill never get to rest my head on your shoulder again. maybe i should wash the sheets.  im going to your place tomorrow to pick up my stuff. you wont be there. its probably better. itll finally be clean, just like i always wanted. too bad ill never get to enjoy it.  i realized most of the fond memories i have of us were at your old apartment.  that means before July...it's almost November.  I realized that all those feelings were real, still are for me, guess thats what makes this so tough.  i dont know if ill find another connection like the one i had with you. maybe i wont. maybe what i feel for u is unique, special.  maybe ill be lucky enough to form another unique and special connection with someone who will actually love me through thick and thin and never give up on me or us.  maybe one day ill wake up and realize you were right about us, just like you were right about us not moving in together.  all i know is right now i can't even buy starbucks. i miss you, i hate you, im slowly getting over you even though i dont want to.  i know i deserve better but really all i want is for u to treat me better.  prbly wont happen.  no it wont happen.  im sorry we want the same thing but just cant seem to get it. i love u.