bring him to me, please.

ive been laying in bed all day today.  just been catching up on shows. the Stanford- UCLA game is on right now, thinking about streaming that.  then i thought about u. i thought about stanford boy. i thought about myself. im in a weird place. an empty place. im not happy but not sad. not in love but not out of either.  i dont really know what to do with myself anymore.  its been over a month since the break up and yet it feels like ages ago.  i have to make a conscious effort to remember a time when i saw you everyday.  when i try to remember a time when i was happy to see you everyday it feels like a lifetime ago.  ive started referring to you as my ex instead of by name.  strange.  the heart does strange things.  there was a time when i thought i couldnt live without you and here i am doing just that. moving on with my life. it helps that i am currently swamped with bills and therefore am heavily distracted. but ive also been talking to someone else.  its like i can go 6 months without having sex but my heart just cannot be alone.  i cling to people, my friends, my family.  im a people person. the thought of being alone with no one to talk to just terrifies me.  like id have to be put in a nuthouse if i just didnt see humans for more than a week.  and yet i feel bad talking to this other person.  i mean is it ok to like someone even though you just ended something with someone else but a few weeks ago?  has it really been that long?  this whole last month was such a blur and now after thanksgiving i dont even know where my head is at anymore.  my apartment is a mess. i find that my living space usually reflects the chaos of my life.  i feel like a mess therefore i live like a mess. all my clothes are clean but they are not in the closet where they should be.  all the dishes are in the washer but it hasnt been run.  my life has everything i would need, could need to make it perfect but i just cant seem to put them in their rightful place.  i dont know. i dont know what to do.  im just going through the motions everyday with no reason, no purpose.  i have no reason to be upset and yet i am.  i have every reason to be happy and yet im not. 

i think my life needs direction.  i just need someone to reach in and say "grab my hand, you're lost, we'll get you out of this."  any takers? any volunteers? am i doomed to circle this scattered space until one day it drives me mad. or i wake up and im 35 still living in the same place i am now doing the same job with the same people?  lord help me. bring me what i need. u know, bring him to me please.