conflicting emotions...aka ambivalence

ok so here's the deal...today was quite scary due to reasons i dare not discuss online. lets just say something life altering hit me hard this afternoon-evening that made me realize i am just not ready to give up. its amazing what a little festering thought can do to a weak mind. everyone/anyone just stop for a second and think. What if in an instant you were forced to surrender your future? And i don't mean literally have to give up ur future and die, but i mean what if u had no choice but to make it completely different from what u wanted/dreamed it to be? i mean seriously, dude, not cool. many times in the past (as u can see from previous blogs) have i been doubtful of what i want to do, what i want as a career, etc. and many times have i pondered the thought of just finishing ucla and getting a job somewhere and calling it a day. but a few hours ago, when there was a genuine possibility of losing what i have worked/not worked so hard for, i had to pause and catch my breath. no way was i ready to just throw it all away and decide "no that's just not for me." i couldnt stand the thought of leading some meaningless (well without meaning to me anyways) existence trudging through day after day doing something ultimately mundane and a waste of my life. i mean ok sure, med school is not exactly on everyone's to-do list but its been on mine for a while. like a little speck in the distance that ur somewhat curious about at first and u think maybe i can ignore it but the longer u ignore it the more u have to get closer to said speck to see exactly what it is otherwise itll drive u insane. and u have all these amazing thoughts of the speck and how itll give u everything u always wanted and especially give u the happiness and satisfaction u know u deserve because gosh darn it life has just been so hard its about time something good happens. ya...that speck is med school...and u know i just cant ignore it much longer, so what the heck im just gonna take everything one step at a time just so i can go see what its like. and im almost certain at this point, that that speck will bring me the greatest joy in the world.

on another note, i got my first comment on a post today! likely one of my fbook friends and likely someone who calls me V. weird cause im pretty sure ive heard someone call me that before but i cant quite put my finger on it. o well, some mystery in life makes it worth living am i right? in any case i appreciate ur comment and although u say u have no comforting words...u said exactly what i needed to hear, right when i needed to hear it. and just for the record, i for sure smiled for like a whole 5 seconds. until next time...

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

its 1am and im writing

so ive decided upon many things tonite. there's been a lot of stuff happening lately that im not terribly happy with, for instance...med school. yup that whole thing fell through and now im studying for the gre and applying to grad school then after the year off going for med school. sometimes i find myself up in the middle of the night unable to sleep im so anxious about the fact that im attempting to get a masters and doctoral degree. is it possible? the journey is so long. will i burn out? and ultimately, will it make me happy? will i be living the dream that ive been thinking of for so long or does my true calling still lie out there? i'd have to say i haven't had any major breakthroughs since high school and the assurance that i had as a kid is completely gone and now all i am is scared. scared to leave the comfort of ucla, scared to venture off into the world and become a grown woman. for christ's sake i can't even hold a relationship for longer than 3 months how the hell am i supposed to have a career and a family and investments and blah blah blah. i mean seriously, does anyone else feel like sometimes its just too much. that sometimes you just want to go to bed and wake up 10 years later when you're ready? so many questions and zero answers, just taking each day one step at a time and following my gut and hoping it'll take me somewhere. one of my biggest fears is working so hard and getting all the way to my residency and deciding you know..medicine just isnt for me. what a waste of time and effort that would be. and yet somehow i continue to trek on as if im sure that that is what i want when in fact im actually quite unsure about it.

havent even gotten to talk about the boy curse yet. for instance, guy that i hooked up with down under/hooked up with this summer now has a gf. keep in mind there was only a 3 week span of time between "you should come visit more" and "___ _____ is in a relationship" on facebook. i mean seriously, and they write on each other's walls and it honestly sickens me everytime i see it. im like ok he mustve been dating her or at least had some relations with her when we hooked up even if they werent official, then whats all this bull crap of 'come visit more' and why the f**** was he flirting the entire weekend i was up there? thats just one of many examples that i dont feel like delving into right now of how im totally and utterly boy cursed. im not doing well academically, not romantically, my family is falling apart, my money is drying up, and all in all im supposed to slap on a face and pretend like everything's ok when really i just want someone to sit next to me and be like no..no nothing's ok and ur life pretty much sucks right now but we'll get through this and ill be there for you every step of the way. and i suppose thats what best friends are for but honestly they have their own problems to worry about and i dont like bothering other ppl with my issues. *sigh* whatevs, its like 1am and i can't sleep. plus im a week late..which isnt too scary considering ive been up to 2 weeks late before and am almost consistently a week late (in which case i dont think it would be considered late anymore) but anywho, thats just one more thing to worry about. im not sure if this makes sense to anyone or if anyone reads these blogs, but id like to think that somewhere out there someone can understand what im going through even if i dont even know their name.

live ur life
-Victoria Niles

opening act

Is it just me, or lately has life just been ridiculously extra hard? I mean, I don't think I have ever wished for LESS options in my life than right now. Currently on the cusp of graduating college with a Bachelor's, I find myself wondering what lies ahead. I suppose people would tell me," It's great to have that many choices because then you can do whatever you want!" but really I just want to know what to do. Never have I ever faced so much uncertainty in regards to the future and I think it is honestly taking a toll on my health. Should I go to graduate school? Medical school? Are my grades good enough? Am I good enough? Am I ready to go straight to work if I don't do more schooling? What job would I do? I don't want a job I want a career, but really what would I be happy doing for the rest of my life? And not just satisfied doing but genuinely 'I enjoy getting up in the morning excited to go to work everyday' type happy. AND where the hell am I supposed to find time for love? Am I just going to scoot from man to man hoping that one day I'll be able to hold a relationship longer than a couple months or will I finally be whisked away to some magical place in the most absurdly romantic way possible? No, I bet I'll be the lady with a bunch of cats in an apartment somewhere in Chinatown. Or worse, I'll be the poor 50 year old woman swiping cards at Clubsport wondering why I am doing a job that high-schooler should be doing. All in all I'd have to say that life is throwing way to many balls my way and I do not have the mental capacity to be able to handle them all. (yes i know bad choice of words but you get the analogy).

And as far as stress level goes, mine is through the roof. I'm lashing out at almost everyone right now because of the instability in my own world, and the crumbling pressure of a society that is constantly leaving people behind (esp. right now, thanks Bush). No worries, I'm not suicidal, BUT I am near breaking point for a nervous breakdown. And thus, to continue with my rapid disconnected thoughts, I have decided to start blogging in order to get my thoughts out on paper (or broken computer screen) because I hope that someone out there is feeling the same way I am. On that note, I would like to end this mess of word vomit with the opportunity for readers (if there are any) to comment to this post with your thoughts and ideas or to propose another question. Think of it as not only my blog but almost as your blog as well. (and I say almost because technically I'm the only one that can post blog entries BUT that is a trivial matter). With that, I leave the floor open to you (and I use 'you' as a general pronoun to address everyone and anyone that has something on their mind they would like my opinion on, and believe me I have plenty).

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles