Disappointment. It's a scary word. I actually think it's one of the scariest words in the English language. Do you have any idea how many ideas, actions, words, emotions are driven by that one evil idea of disappointment. Disappointing someone, yourself, everyone, the general public. If you think about how many times a day you think about pleasing someone else you'd realize you're a complete wuss. A pathetic push over who is constantly seeking and hoping for appraisal from someone...anyone really. I'll give you an example. I used to be a big bad ass bitch who didn't take shit from no one and thought that I didn't care what other people thought of me and I just did what I want. The other day a patient randomly pulled me aside to tell me that she thought the way in which I answered her question was with too much attitude and that I needed to change my tune. I apologized politely as instructed by our online training modules and sent her on her merry way. But here is what really went down. This fucking raging bitch monster had the nerve to ask me a question while I was in the middle of helping another patient and then was angry when I could not take the time to answer her questions in a flowery prose immediately because, you know, I was with another patient. So although I answered her questions (thoroughly and informatively) she didn't like the way in which I said it. She in fact, hated it so much, she took it upon herself to take up more of my time (while still actively trying to help this other patient) to tell me that she thought my attitude needed working on. WTF. Lady, this is not elementary school and you are not my mother. You have absolutely zero right to pull me aside in the middle of MY FUCKING WORK DAY to tell me I have an attitude problem. You have a problem, go to my boss or write a fucking note like a little bitch. You have no authority over me and you do not pay my fucking bills bitch. Even knowing all of this and thinking all of this in my head, I couldn't help but be hurt by what she said. Here I am literally working my ass off, running around, saving lives, and with a fantastic smile to boot and she has the audacity to poo poo my attitude because for 5 seconds I was less than subservient. I walked around the rest of the day all mopey because some random bitchy stranger told me I was doing a bad job. I'm sure the same thing has happened to you, to all of us. Even though we say we don't care, how many of us can truly take criticism and let it roll off those emotional shoulders.
Here's another example, my mom decided that she for some reason is still not satisfied with the amount of money I make. I will like to point out that I just told her I got a $20,000 raise and she literally says, ok but what are you going to do to make more money. Seriously woman, can't you just say congratulations like everyone else? I told her three different ideas I had to make more money and she decided to spend the next 3 hours peppering me with questions and poking holes in all 3 of my ideas. Instead of telling her in the first minute, that these are just ideas I had and that I refuse to answer any criticizing questions about them, I spent 3 hours trying to convince my mom that they were ideas worth having. Somehow I found myself trying to convince her that my salary was more than enough to live a comfortable lifestyle for a whole fucking damn family. Disappointment. She will always be disappointed in me. Her lack of approval is what drove me my entire life to try and gain that approval. And even though my therapist says that it is not my job to impress her it still feels like it is. Like a Pavlovian response I am addicted to trying to make her happy. Every smile, every head nod, everytime she says "good" is like a small victory. Why do I care so much? I make plenty of money to support my life style and I think my ideas are fucking fantastic. So why does it matter whether she likes it or not? I am not asking her for any fiscal or time investment. I am not asking her to be a part of this adventure. I am telling her my life goals and somehow it's important whether or not she approves of MY life goals? Come on girl. We all do it, kids want to please their parents. Wars have been fought because of this.
We need to stop letting people run our lives. Stop caring about what they think or say. Politely acknowledge that their opinion is different from yours and instead of trying to prove them wrong or right or whatever, just brush your shoulders off. And not just say that we don't care, but to live it as well. It's hard. I believe I just found my New Year's Resolution, Everytime I find myself in a situation where I'm trying to defend myself to the other person I will simply stop talking, agree to disagree, and move on. Clearly if I am in a defensive stance it is because I see you in an offensive stance. A mature productive conversation cannot happen if one is attacking the other. This is no longer a discussion and now an argument. No more arguments. If i feel defensive, I will shut my mouth and kill that argument. You can't argue by yourself. And if I refuse to participate in trivial he said ,she said, im right, youre wrong, blah blah blah then I am above it all. Rise above the bullshit honey, 2017.
Here's another example, my mom decided that she for some reason is still not satisfied with the amount of money I make. I will like to point out that I just told her I got a $20,000 raise and she literally says, ok but what are you going to do to make more money. Seriously woman, can't you just say congratulations like everyone else? I told her three different ideas I had to make more money and she decided to spend the next 3 hours peppering me with questions and poking holes in all 3 of my ideas. Instead of telling her in the first minute, that these are just ideas I had and that I refuse to answer any criticizing questions about them, I spent 3 hours trying to convince my mom that they were ideas worth having. Somehow I found myself trying to convince her that my salary was more than enough to live a comfortable lifestyle for a whole fucking damn family. Disappointment. She will always be disappointed in me. Her lack of approval is what drove me my entire life to try and gain that approval. And even though my therapist says that it is not my job to impress her it still feels like it is. Like a Pavlovian response I am addicted to trying to make her happy. Every smile, every head nod, everytime she says "good" is like a small victory. Why do I care so much? I make plenty of money to support my life style and I think my ideas are fucking fantastic. So why does it matter whether she likes it or not? I am not asking her for any fiscal or time investment. I am not asking her to be a part of this adventure. I am telling her my life goals and somehow it's important whether or not she approves of MY life goals? Come on girl. We all do it, kids want to please their parents. Wars have been fought because of this.
We need to stop letting people run our lives. Stop caring about what they think or say. Politely acknowledge that their opinion is different from yours and instead of trying to prove them wrong or right or whatever, just brush your shoulders off. And not just say that we don't care, but to live it as well. It's hard. I believe I just found my New Year's Resolution, Everytime I find myself in a situation where I'm trying to defend myself to the other person I will simply stop talking, agree to disagree, and move on. Clearly if I am in a defensive stance it is because I see you in an offensive stance. A mature productive conversation cannot happen if one is attacking the other. This is no longer a discussion and now an argument. No more arguments. If i feel defensive, I will shut my mouth and kill that argument. You can't argue by yourself. And if I refuse to participate in trivial he said ,she said, im right, youre wrong, blah blah blah then I am above it all. Rise above the bullshit honey, 2017.
