twin

i contemplated calling you today. i woke up this morning and looked at my phone. no "good morning" text. no "have a great day!" nothing. just spam and work emails. oh the conundrum of adulthood. luckily i was too tired to be upset about it and just drove to work. not singing along to the radio, not dancing to "thrift shop" at work. i blasted the music so loud when i was opening this morning to drown out the sound of my own thoughts. what did i do wrong? like seriously? who knew being myself was such a major turn off? or maybe it was nothing i did. maybe it was something she did.  its possible i was totally being my usual charming self but she was being her unusual charming self and caught your attention? i dont know. i dont want to play this game. i guess this is punishment for all the games i played on men when i was younger. the senior scramble as they call it. get as many flings in as you can before you enter grown-upville and have to be a responsible committed individual retiring your player-ish ways less you be deemed an immature prick.  my friend is right. i must let you go find your way. there's so much going on in your life. i remember when i was in your shoes. the chaos, the confusion. being torn between what you love and what makes you comfortable. since what you love is often what scares the shit of you it makes sense to run..i know i did. ran all the way back home into a little hole under someones house, living on an old futon and donated furniture where the nights were always cold and the fridge always empty.  its scary out there. you're comfortable now.  being with someone whose been there for so long, being in a place you've been for so long. but your life is about to take a huge turn. i dont see that relationship lasting. i see it more of a security blanket. you know one day you'll have to let go. but in spite of all the tumultuous change of not knowing where you're going, what you'll be doing, or who you'll be doing it with you're reluctant to let go of that person whose always wanted you. who will always be there when you look back. 

but its time my love. you have to let go. maybe not for me, but for yourself.  how do you expect a plant to grow if you don't give it a bigger pot?  wherever you end up will be splendid. it'll be crazy and scary and at times totally depressing and you will miss the comforts of your old home, the people, the places, the girlfriend. you'll miss the security, the predictability.  and it hurts me to say this. it hurts me so unbelievably bad to admit that you're right to not know about us.  you're right to not know about anything right now.  just go with the flow and let the river take you wherever you'll be going.  and hopefully thats to me but theres a real possibility it wont.  and even though i can see us together in the future i cannot predict it.  its very possible that my life might take me even further away from yours (though i dont see how thats possible unless i leave the country...which i might.)  you know that saying, if you love something let it go and if it comes back to you its yours?  sad but true. you let me go 4 years ago. i vanished into thin air. that whole spring quarter/beginning of nuc med school was such a freaking mess i wouldve given anything to have been talking to you. but i fucked it up. when i needed you the most i pushed you away. im sorry for that as im sure you know since ive apologized a million times (and meant every one).  but im not going to leave you now. not when you need it the most.  the next few months will be a whirlwind. exciting but stressful. and what you need now is not some girl who is jealous of some other girl because some boy may not like her as much as some girl.  what you need is your best friend.  what you need is someone to call and bitch about that other girl, or that stupid project you had to finish. someone to tell when you finally land that interview or move to china or whatever! i will be that someone if you'll still have me.  im pretty sure im falling for you. pretty sure i have been for about 4 years now...ever since boston. but ive waited this long for you and you've waited even longer for me, i don't see why a little more time would hurt :)

Something happened yesterday I never expected to.  I can't say I didnt see it coming since i have a fairly descent intuition, but it hurt way more than i thought it would.  you know that feeling when you're on one of those rides...say dropzone...it brings you up, up, up and you get this excited anxiety that almost makes you wanna throwup if it weren't for your skin you'd go flying in every direction.  its a build, anticipation. and in the moment you linger at the top you can barely contain yourself. then, in an instant, the world just drops out from under you. there's a feeling in your stomach like a kind of weightlessness. and once you hit bottom you say "wow that was crazy." but was it really? I mean you knew what happened on the ride before you got in line. you knew what was gonna happen when you were on your way up, even right before the fall you knew it was coming. so why, tell me why does it always seem like such a Fucking surprise? is it possible to fall for someone you never see? is it possible to be too loving, too sweet, too kind. is it possible the woman he thought you were isn' who you actually are? I never thought my best friend would ever think of new like that. as less than satisfactory. I thought he like me since we were kids. is it possible I got so hyped up in his mind that I was rather disappointing once he had me? I don't know what I did, I'm not sure if I'd do anything differently. all I know is the person I talk to about these things isn't there anymore. the person who always had my back I feel just stabbed it. the person who thought I was wonderful, doesn't think so much anymore. I feel like a huge disappointment. like "yea I rode that ride and it wasn't as fun as it looked." maybe it wasn't meant to be. but tell me. who do you trust when you can't trust your friend. who do you love if not your best friend. who will be by your side of not your twin.

bring him to me, please.

ive been laying in bed all day today.  just been catching up on shows. the Stanford- UCLA game is on right now, thinking about streaming that.  then i thought about u. i thought about stanford boy. i thought about myself. im in a weird place. an empty place. im not happy but not sad. not in love but not out of either.  i dont really know what to do with myself anymore.  its been over a month since the break up and yet it feels like ages ago.  i have to make a conscious effort to remember a time when i saw you everyday.  when i try to remember a time when i was happy to see you everyday it feels like a lifetime ago.  ive started referring to you as my ex instead of by name.  strange.  the heart does strange things.  there was a time when i thought i couldnt live without you and here i am doing just that. moving on with my life. it helps that i am currently swamped with bills and therefore am heavily distracted. but ive also been talking to someone else.  its like i can go 6 months without having sex but my heart just cannot be alone.  i cling to people, my friends, my family.  im a people person. the thought of being alone with no one to talk to just terrifies me.  like id have to be put in a nuthouse if i just didnt see humans for more than a week.  and yet i feel bad talking to this other person.  i mean is it ok to like someone even though you just ended something with someone else but a few weeks ago?  has it really been that long?  this whole last month was such a blur and now after thanksgiving i dont even know where my head is at anymore.  my apartment is a mess. i find that my living space usually reflects the chaos of my life.  i feel like a mess therefore i live like a mess. all my clothes are clean but they are not in the closet where they should be.  all the dishes are in the washer but it hasnt been run.  my life has everything i would need, could need to make it perfect but i just cant seem to put them in their rightful place.  i dont know. i dont know what to do.  im just going through the motions everyday with no reason, no purpose.  i have no reason to be upset and yet i am.  i have every reason to be happy and yet im not. 

i think my life needs direction.  i just need someone to reach in and say "grab my hand, you're lost, we'll get you out of this."  any takers? any volunteers? am i doomed to circle this scattered space until one day it drives me mad. or i wake up and im 35 still living in the same place i am now doing the same job with the same people?  lord help me. bring me what i need. u know, bring him to me please.

starbucks

I went to starbucks yesterday.  i freakin cried at starbucks.  almost ordered a caramel macchiato til i realized it made me think of u and decided to go with a salty caramel mocha instead.  i wonder how many times i will have to go to starbucks to stop thinking about us frequenting the starbucks by your old place.  those were sweeter times i suppose.  i talked to my twin today.  made me feel better. thought maybe id go to bed without crying this time.  looks like i was wrong.  i took a melatonin, so maybe that'll kick in soon.  checked your fbook. saw that 5 years ago someone else you fucked used to call u the same thing i call u. somehow the tears stopped and i felt instantly less special.  i guess one day ill wake up and no longer feel the pang of emptiness in my life that you've left behind.  cant wait for that day to come cause mourning and healing blows.  i can still smell your cologne on my sheets.  i think thats what made me cry. to know ill never get to rest my head on your shoulder again. maybe i should wash the sheets.  im going to your place tomorrow to pick up my stuff. you wont be there. its probably better. itll finally be clean, just like i always wanted. too bad ill never get to enjoy it.  i realized most of the fond memories i have of us were at your old apartment.  that means before July...it's almost November.  I realized that all those feelings were real, still are for me, guess thats what makes this so tough.  i dont know if ill find another connection like the one i had with you. maybe i wont. maybe what i feel for u is unique, special.  maybe ill be lucky enough to form another unique and special connection with someone who will actually love me through thick and thin and never give up on me or us.  maybe one day ill wake up and realize you were right about us, just like you were right about us not moving in together.  all i know is right now i can't even buy starbucks. i miss you, i hate you, im slowly getting over you even though i dont want to.  i know i deserve better but really all i want is for u to treat me better.  prbly wont happen.  no it wont happen.  im sorry we want the same thing but just cant seem to get it. i love u.

my how time flies

October 12, 2011:
I'm going to meet a guy that I met online. Seems cute enough in pictures, I hope he's cute in person.  I hope we get along. I hope we don't run out of things to talk about.  God, I really hope he's cute.

October 13, 2011:
OMG he's so freaking hot! and he's nice, and interesting, and we oddly didn't run out of things to talk about.  in fact I'm going to text him right now to say I had a good time so he knows I thought he was awesome so we can go on a second date.

October 20, 2011:
Second date! Wonder what I'll wear.  He said he's coming to pick me up.  He's driving all the way from Hollywood cause he didn't realize how far LACMA was from me and didn't want me to have to drive far this time.  How sweet!  We went to the promenade.  He's letting me hold his arm, how chivalrous.  We had our first kiss by the fake moon on Santa Monica beach. He missed! it was awesome.  Stayed up til 4am just talking, didn't even try to have sex with me.  Best date of my life, and all we did was basically talk!

October 31, 2011:
What a freakin shit show!  too bad he doesnt remember even sleeping with me, lol. dressing up in costumes, drinking, dancing, partying...we're so silly and fun!

November 1, 2011:
he asked me to be his girlfriend! how is it that i got so lucky that the only man in los angeles who wants to settle down wants to settle down with me!

Birthday 2011:
he got me a freaking little mermaid ice cream cake and a dozen roses....most perfectest boyfriend ever! and he looked so good in his suite! swear to god nothing could have made that night any better!

Thanksgiving, 2011:
I miss my boyfriend because he is far away.  that's ok, he says ill get to go next year and every year after that.  imagine, a place to go to for the holidays every year. how fucking awesome.

Christmas, 2011:
I got him Wicked tickets. He says he's never seen wicked and I got him tickets and we will see it and it will be aweomse! He is getting me an ipod...i will lose it....so in hindsight maybe not the best gift lol.

New Year's Eve, 2011:
Drive up the coast to Norcal.  I've never taken a trip with a guy before and I have to say I need to do this more often.  we stayed in all these romantic little places all up the coast then went out for new years in the castro with norcal friends.  im falling in love. this guy is the best thing thats ever happened to me.  i cant wait to spend the rest of forever feeling punch drunk love.

Valentine's Day, 2012:
We missed our dinner reservations.  given it was my fault so i cant be mad, but it was still awesome.  he got me lettuce ( i think they were supposed to be flowers) so sweet! i love it when he gets me flowers, even if its just green heads of lettuce haha.  but we promised to make it up later!...we never did.

Happy 6 months!, 2012:
Went to Koi and then a show at the laugh factory.  Koi is DELICIOUS.  had the miso cod i believe, will never forget how delicious it was.  there are pictures! we are so cute. look at us smile.  we finally remembered to celebrate an anniversary! haha.  he claims that 6 months is a big deal.  its the longest relationship ive ever been in, so i believe him.

Vegas for Ang's bday, 2012:
its memorial day and we're spending it in vegas for my friend's bday.  originally only i was supposed to go because we fought and were "taking a break"  when i bought all my tickets.  but then a week later he said he missed me and loved me and we were off our break and on our way to vegas.  we had so much fun, we got a little too drunk, we fought on the first night.  i was cold and wanted to leave the club.  i dont remember what we fought about, but i think it was something about him not taking the lead.  we ended up leaving and going home and things were better.

my boyfriend's birthday, 2012:
 we're going on a trip to norcal! its also the twin's bday so its like a 2 in 1 trip!  ive made a surprise for him.  so excited.  i booked a junior suite at this super nice ass hotel in union square.  also bought lots of sexy lingerie.  he is going to be stoked!....he was totally stoked! the surprise totally worked, like he didn't even realize what was going on til we were in the room!  god im so good.  and he totally LOVED the lingerie, but then again, who wouldn't? hehe

August 19, 2012:
his best friend's wedding.  no, not the movie, we were in Connecticut.   i didnt think i was going to get to go to the wedding since we had been fighting because he wasnt booking the tickets.  i guess we had been fighting a lot because at this point we had broken up twice.  but in the end i still went.  it was the most romantic time i have ever spent with anyone. wedding's are fabulous! everyone is punch drunk love and in such a great mood.  i thought wow, i really could do this forever.

October 17, 2012:
I am not going to his house for thanksgiving.  apparently the tickets are too expensive.  i dont believe him.  we argue.  we argued over something that i cannot recall.  i think maybe it had to do with us argueing over the weekend.  i dont remember.  i am pissed, he didnt tell me earlier about thanksgiving after i already asked for the time off.  im convinced he doesnt love me anymore.  he convinces me otherwise saying hes still crazy about me and that we will try to make it work.

October 18, 2012:
I am still hurt about thanksgiving.  so hurt in fact that i tell him he needs to fix it or we're done.  in hindsight not the best wording because he really didnt fix it and we really are done.  he is mad. i am mad. nothing gets solved.

October 19, 2012:
he says its not fair for me to make him pick between him and his family. i told him that is not wht i meant and that i would never do such a thing.  he says good because he would always pick his family anyways.  yes i know but it still makes me feel shitty when you say it.  i say just come to disneyland and we will pretend the whole thing didnt happen and that we will talk about it later.

October 20, 2012, 5:01AM:
i've decided to call in sick for work.  he tells me he doesnt love me anymore.  tells me he doesnt have those same feelings he had when we first met.  doenst feel like he is the same person. he doesnt like the person he is now around me.  he says he doesnt love me anymore.  says that he's given me countless chances.  i tell him how his family's rejecting me for thanksgiving really hurt my feelings.  i was trying to stay calm this weekend.  i was trying to think rationally.  i thought maybe if he knew how i felt he might be more understanding.  he tells me he doesnt love me and all i can think about is him hugging me tonight.  his hand on the small of my back. his lips on mine.  and despite everything im saying and everything hes not all i can hear is that he doesnt love me.  and all i can feel is the absence of his hugs. and the absence of his hand on my back.  my how we have come full circle.  this time last year we were falling in love.  now we're falling out of it.  or rather, he doesnt love me and i wanna curl up into a ball and die.  we've been fighting for a while.  i guess i should've known this was coming.  but i didn't.  it hurt. im hurt. i should've been prepared but i wasn't.  part of me is still thinking that maybe a few days from now he'll miss me and call me and say we'll give it another shot.  but i know he won't. why would he, he doesnt love me anymore. i know what you'll say.  you'll say that i can do better, that i will bounce back, that im young, that ill figure it out.  and maybe ur right.  but right now i just want him back.  he asked me why i cant let him go.  i told him i loved him and i dont just leave people.  he said he wasn't going to change his mind.  i told him it was mean of him to ask me to pour my heart out even more if he wasnt going to at least consider it.

October 20, 2012, 5:09AM:
im now going to drink a bottle of pomegranate wine.  i am going to watch the movie he's just not that into you, which inevitably will make me hope that maybe he is into me.  maybe itll work out.  maybe we can get that loving feeling back.  that we could live forever in that state of bliss and happiness and joy.  but even though in my head i hope and i dream and i wish, in my heart i know that it wont come true. sad isn't it.  that a year ago  i wanted to spend the rest of my life with this guy.  and a year later he doesnt want to spend another moment with me.

somewhere between expectations and poop

I wonder what it feels like, depression.  Some describe it as a dark cloud forever hanging over their heads.  Some say its a coldness that cant be heated.  How would you know if you're depressed?  Technically it's a chemical imbalance in the brain that cause someone to overproduce certain hormones that others only have when they're sad.  So tell me, how do you know when you're sad and when you're depressed?  Is it reversible?  Curable? Or merely treatable?  I think I am generally a sad, tormented individual.  People sometime describe me as bubbly, energetic, fun and fierce.  I guess I am all those things...sometimes.  But people who really know me know that I am familiar to sadness.  I can honestly say I've been through more in my life than most will in theirs and less than least will in theirs.  I guess you would say my life has been hard but it could've been much harder.  I once met a boy who grew up in Nigeria in a little village with no running water.  He was beaten everyday at school and forced to pick up the poop of his classmates and throw them into the bushes to dispose of them.  He went to school everyday, even when it took him far away from his family.  He was one of the few who went to high school from his village and from there came to America to attend college.  Learning all my pre-med courses were hard enough being a native English speaker.  I could not imagine having to learn o-chem in say...Swahili.  He is now getting his MD/PhD and will soon be a doctor.  My life could've been harder...I could've been beaten everyday at school instead of everyday at home.  And I wonder, if I could have not gone home to be beaten would I still have returned?  What kept this boy coming back to his place of torture every fucking day for YEARS?!  I don't think I'll ever know.  On the other end you have a boy who comes from a life of privilege.  A loving family, a gorgeous home, great schooling, really every opportunity in the world.  What I would give to have opportunities like his.  Probably my first born kid, since I know I'd be able to buy him back later.  And yet he too said he was depressed.  For a long time he didn't want to be around anymore.  Hidden in his shell, hoping to recede into the background. Tired of being picked on, being tormented.  Tired of being told to pay attention to things he found painfully boring.  Living under constant pressure and expectations to be a certain way and do certain things and for what?  Himself?  Society?  Maybe even his parents?  Me, I'm somewhere in the middle of those two. Somewhere in the middle of living up to expectations and picking up poop.  All I know is right now I'm motherfucking upset.  I don't know how long this sadness will last.  Usually I stay sad until something or someone comes along to make me happy. I have many things in my life that could be happy. I just bought a place and now that the turmoil of buying a place is over I can have fun decorating it.  I just had my surgery to cut out part of my cervix so maybe the next time I go in for a pap it'll be the first normal pap I've had in over a year!  Maybe my love and I will make it to our first year anniversary and I can finally feel what it's like to be with someone you love through all the good and bad for an unseemingly long amount of time.  Or maybe furnishing the place will be exhausting and tortuous. Maybe my next pap will come back worse than before and I will have to go in for more extensive surgery.  Maybe my boyfriend and I will break up tomorrow like we almost did tonight because he cant stand my sadness anymore and I can't force myself to be happy anymore.  Maybe by 2013 my whole life will seem completely no longer worth living. Maybe it'll be something to live for.  I don't know what's going to happen.  I don't know.  I just want to be happy.  I want to be with someone who can make me happy for the rest of my life.  To be hopelessly in love is like being on an endless high without the side effects of being a druggie.  To love and be loved for all eternity.  Now THAT is a line worth waiting in.

wtf

Alone. Somehow it always come down to this doesn't it?  I thought being nice to others would mean they will be nice to you in return, right? Wrong. one hundred percent mother fucking wrong.  being nice to other people means you're being nice to them.  it means you're a sucker. which is fine, sometimes making another person smile is well worth the effort.  but dont even expect them to be nice to you in return.  karma's a bitch and she's only there to see you fall flat on your face.  Somehow my life now parallels my life 6 years ago.  losing my boyfriend, my mother, my grades slipping, in and out of the hospital..its all coming back to me now, the horror of the world.  i went in for surgery this morning, had some pre-cancer cells in my cervix i just HAD to get rid of.  and when i woke up guess who was there to greet me. mi madre tells me we are goin to the dmv...10 minutes after i woke up from surgery i directed my mother to the dmv so we could replace my license plates.  then we went to ihop to talk about how much money i owed her.  then we went home and thank god she passed out for 3 hours cause she is sick too.  momentary peace, the calm before the storm. when she woke up she asked me what else is there to do on our list today.  what else? how about sleep and rest since i just fucking HAD SURGERY! nope, we steam cleaned the carpet instead. then proceeded to clean the kitchen.  then as if i wasnt exhausted enough already my boyfriend fucking comes over to "see me" which really translates into "my body is here but my mind is not. i am busy writing up business cards."  finally my mom leaves and i ask him why we dont do anything fun anymore. he says that hes busy. im busy too doesnt mean i dont enjoy romance.  but apparently when hes busy im the first person he decides can wait.  we argue. i cry.  loneliness. i tell him it really hurts my feelings when i say that i need him and he has other things hed rather be doing.  he says that he understands and that he will try to be there for me,  then i say that i need him tonight because im having a particularly rough day. he says he needs to go home and do laundry because he has no clean underwear.  i lost. i lost the battle for my boyfriend to dirty boxer briefs.  he asks if i want to see him tomorrow. what if you're busy. what if im not.  well i guess if you're not busy and you have nothing else to do and you're bored of being alone then you can fit me into your schedule huh!  bullshit. i want to be with someone who wants to move shit around during their day just so they can see me.  not someone who has me on reserve as his "well if theres nothing else to do..."  we used to be in love.  we used to be that sickeningly cute couple that other people would throw up at because we were so damn cute.  we used to go to comedy shows and dinner dates, dress up for each other and go out.  we used to cook dinner and come up with random foods we wanted to try. and now?  now he'd rather be doing laundry...he'd rather be smoking weed...he'd rather be doing anything else than spend the night falling asleep with me in his arms.  i guess its me and you pillow. as it was so many years ago.  me, my pillow, and alcohol....LOTS of alcohol.  i drank a lot, fucked a lot, and serial dated my way through college.  i wonder how im going to get over abandonment, heart break, and hating my life this time.  i hope it doesnt involve more fucking cause im pretty sure thats how i got the HPV that caused my cervical pre-cancer bull in the first place.  great so everytime i have my heart broken i get cancer?  ...this is gonna be a short life indeed.

Whatever

I have so much I want to write and no clue how to word any of it.  I feel sad, mad, betrayed even? I don't know about betrayed.  No, that's probably not the right word.  I'm not sure how to describe what's going through my mind.  Flashbacks to previous relationships.  You know how there's a turning point where u know the relationship is going to end.  You never see it coming, it always seems to hit you from left field, and yet everytime you look back on a past relationship there it is plain as day.  I think my relationship is going to end.  I feel myself losing you every day.  I feel the romance has died, the passion is dwindling.  The excitement is less exciting.  I feel like any day now you may just waltz in here and say "you know, this isn't really working for me anymore" and I'll have nothing else to say but "ya, I know."  It starts with the fights.  Little fights that you just "get over" because your love for each other is so vast and great and wonderful.  Then the little fights grow up into raging teenage hormonal fights about how frustrating the other person is and "conflicting personal values." Then eventually the fighting stops and the dry spell starts.  One missed date turns into "oh we'll just do that later."  Later never comes. Long responses between texts turns into no response at all.  One missed call turns into two which turns into ten and before you know it you go days without speaking.  After all the separation and once everybody feels significantly emotionally detached comes the stand off.  Who is going to break up with who.  You care about the other person so you don't want to hurt their feelings.  At the same time you don't really want to drag it out either because it fucking sucks being aware of your impending doom.  *sigh* Whatever.

Happy 4 months

We're not going to make it are we.  Happy 4 months. You've made it further than most of the others and I commend you for that, but I sense we're falling apart.  I can feel my entire life falling apart.  Such brief moments of pure elation followed by tremendous spans of just awfulness.  My job, my friends, my boyfriend, my life.  I just can never win.  Right when I think you know this couldn't get any better, I finally have everything, I find out I'm right. It really can't get any better, cause once you're at the top, the only place to go is down.  You know there was a time I thought we were going to go all the way. There was a time I imagined us living together, meeting your parents, having fun all day everyday. There was even a time when I thought you could be the one.  But now I realize, I'm the one.  The one whose always fucking things up.  You know if you've had enough failed relationships it's probably you.  Yea, it's me.  Reasons I've been dumped: bitching about my job, check; trying to help my boyfriend get a job, check; moving too fast, check; being too structured, check; being the best girlfriend ever, check. Need I continue.  Pretty much every reason I've ever been dumped for we've addressed, experienced, argued about, or encountered.  In fact, why are you even still here?  I'm so tired of arguing.  All the arguing.  Fighting about what?  Things about yourself that you won't change and things about me that I won't change.  We're just different people, aren't we.  We tried, we gave it our best shot didn't we. At least, that's what we'll tell people when they ask "oh my god what happened you guys were so cute!"  And I'll say yea, I thought so too.  But that's the thing, people only want to see happy people.  No one wants to hang out with the debbie downer.  No one genuinely wants to listen to another person's problems (unless you're a shrink, but you're getting paid to shut up and listen). Everyone wants to only be around people who are sunshine and rainbows because they are so upset with their own damn lives that they don't want to have to add the stress of somebody else's burdens.  Unfortunately this is just a bad time for me and sunshine and rainbows.  I've had a lot over the last couple months to deal with and most of these days I'm not happy anymore.  I apologize for my rainy cloud that I drag along with me like in the depression commercials, but that's just how I feel nowadays.  And it will pass, I hope, but I have no idea when.  I understand if you don't want to stay.  I understand if you'd rather go be with someone new and exciting and fluffy cotton candy.  I understand that you don't want to get soaked by standing under my rain cloud with me.  Who wants to be in the rain?  I know you say you care.  You do all the right things, say all the right things, which means you care.  Thank you for caring. People are always saying "this is not a good time for me to be in a relationship right now."  Newsflash, if it was actually a good time for you to be in a relationship, it would be a very simple genuinely not genuine relationship.  Two people's bond (albeit friendship or significant other) is tested by the hardships.  And I don't mean picking out living room furniture.  At the toughest point in your life is this person able to give you the love and support you most desperately need or is it simply too much for them to handle?  I understand if it's too much.  It's a lot, even for me, and I can take a lot of stress.  Maybe it's better if I do this alone.  I don't know if I can handle getting fired, cancer, and losing the love of my life all at the same time.  Hey maybe my job will smooth itself out, I'll magically be cured, and get married to the love of my life.  Maybe 10 years from now this will all look so silly and trivial and I won't be able to believe how much I was stressing over it.  Maybe it'll all work out, just like you said it would.  Hey a girl can dream right?  I'm not saying I want to break up, but I'm saying it's ok if you want to go.  I understand.  I currently do not bring anything to your life but stress.  And maybe one day I will bring the love and support you crave and need.  But today, I have so little of it that its not even making me feel any better.  I love you so much, but they all leave.  And no it's not you, it's fucking me.  It's always fucking me isn't it.  *sigh* I am going to be like every successful woman I know.  A lifetime of achievements and no one to be proud of them but their children whom they have to fill the love void in their life.  Fabulous, I can't wait.  FML

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

My boyfriend bought me lettuce

It's Friday and I get off work around 2:45pm.  Super stoked because we get to have a super fancy belated Valentine's Day where I get flowers, we get dressed up, he wears a tie *swoon* and we go to a really nice restaurant and maybe drinks afteward.  on the drive home i hit traffic.  no worries, i know today's been a particularly rough day but soon it will all be champagne and candlelight.  i call my boyfriend.  honey im running late theres mad traffic i still have to go home and pick something up.  i had burned him a mix cd and was going to get chocolate covered strawberries and make him a really cute fancy plate to put them on with a vday card.  well what time will u be here? i dunno, how long will it take for me to get there in rush hour traffic.  its already 3:45 and im not even home yet so i doubt ill be there by 4:30. why do you have to go home?  to pick up something.  what are you picking up? something! well i dont see why u cant just come here. because i gotta go home first! well i dont know what u want me to say.  how long will it take for me to get to ur place in rush hour, u drive it all the time.  one hour. thats all i needed to hear.  well then what time will you be here because we have reservations...yes i know. i will get there when i can.  fine well im home ill see u when u get here. fine. *click* i get home and grab my things. no time for a card, no time to pick up strawberries.  so i get the brilliant idea to make some at home.  15 minutes later i have a homemade batch of chocolate covered strawberries and all of my shit together and out the door by 4:30. on my way over i realize there is way more than an hour of traffic.  as im driving and the time is closing in on 5:45 i call my boyfriend.  is there anyway you can push the reservation back til 7:30 or 8.  why are u late?  because theres mad traffic and i didnt leave the house til 4:30.  well what do you want me to do cancel? no i just fucking asking u if u could push back the reservation. well the only other time slot they have is 9. 9 is too late. ok so do u want me to cancel 7? no of course not, i just asked if u could push it back did i say anything about canceling? no. did u call the restaurant? no, 7 and 9 were the only spots they had open when i called on monday. *hand to forehead* well why dont u call now and see if they had a cancellation.  calls back..only open spot is 11.  ok lets just keep 7 and ill just be ugly.  i get to his place at 6:10.  there is no way we're making a 7pm reservation.  im almost in tears.  its been a rough day.  he says u seem frustrated and i wanted this to be a special night for us.  well it aint gonna be so special with u pushing me about going home and why i needed to go home and blah blah blah.  one of my friends from college died that Friday.  we weren't particularly close, but we definitely share some memories.  he was a data analyst in austin, texas.  i wonder if it was his dream as a kid to grow up and be a data analyst.  life is so short sometimes i dont know why i treat everyday like theres going to be a tomorrow.  so many things i wanna do with my life, such little little time to do it in. people keep telling me to slow down, to not rush.  how can i not?  all i see everyday is people dying.  people with a ticking clock and i am the messenger who brings them to the watchman.  he looks at my pictures and tells them when they will die.  some of us are not so lucky and have no warning at all.  im sure my patients were living their lives thinking there will be a next year, a next decade.  im made at my boyfriend.  im mad at myself.  i wanted tonight to be special, i wanted to dress up for him since he said he was jealous last week of how i dressed up for the mansion party but i dont dress up for him.  i tell him its because we dont go anywhere to dress up for. he agrees.  he holds me in his arms as we're sitting on his kitchen floor.  i give him his mixed cd and the strawberries.  biggest, goofiest grin spreads across his face.  he points to the kitchen counter and says he got me flowers.  i looked and laughed. that was enough for me.  no fancy dinners, no expensive shoes, no shmoozy bar.  just a boy and a girl, with a mixed cd, some "flowers" and shitty looking dessert.  perfection.

Sorry

dont ask me why im blogging at 6:40 in the morning.  i really have no excuses other than im at work, all qc has been done, and i have a lot on my mind.  im slowly adapting to the idea that you can love someone without them loving you back.  either that or im withdrawing emotionally from the situation without even realizing it soon and when he does eventually dump me ill probably just be numb and apathetic.  he says he's falling for me, says he's fell.  all the laughs and the shits and giggles are what made our relationship so god damn awesome.  but now the laughs are fewer and fewer and the smiles are matched with sadness behind the eyes.  i want to be that fun girl that is totally worth loving cause she's just soooo cool, but im not. and for that i am sorry.  sorry im not happy all the time.  sorry im not constantly making you laugh.  sorry im so high maintenance and you dont seem to be getting back what you're putting in.  sorry i never get to see you anymore.  sorry that that trip up the coast was probably the most fun we'll have for while.  sorry that shit hit the fan a couple weeks ago.  sorry that this last weekend was a reminder of why you fell for me in the first place.  sorry that those reminders are so rare i hardly recognize them anymore.  sorry that im all work and no play and im always complaining.  sorry that i argued with you about the gps...its a fucking gps.  sorry ive gained weight, i always get fat when im stressed.  sorry i made such a big deal about your ex, i just really dont want to lose you like ive lost many a guy to their respective exes.  sorry i cant be the woman you deserve or do for you everything you do for me.  i know you're trying, i can see it.  you say i should judge you by your actions and not your words.  i wish i could. i wish i didnt put so much emphasis on what people say.  i guess im just too trusting.  believing what people say then trying to overlook the shitty things they do.  but youre different.  you dont say much but you do the sweetest things.  but i am a girl and despite all the beautiful things you do i still get hurt by what you say.  im sorry im not stronger.  sorry i cry so often.  sorry im so much more insecure than you thought.  sorry i couldnt be the anchor in the relationship.  sorry for being so emo right now.  i know im not perfect, i know im not even close.  i know that you're probably the best boyfriend ill ever have.  i know that im probably not the girl of your dreams.  but i love you and i hope you'll give me a chance anyways.  i want to make you happy.  happy as you were when we first met. i want to make you fall in love with me every day for the rest of forever.  but im not perfect and for that i am sorry.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

to love and not be loved

i asked my boyfriend if he loves me. he said it was complicated. i asked him if he loves me. he said no. id say its amazing how u think u know someone but then they do something incredulous. its not amazing. in fact i would even venture to say its quite the opposite of amazing.  its god damn terrible.  i just spent the last 3 months falling head over heels in love with a guy only to find i have actually landed flat on my face. every touch, every smile, every word just sent shivers down my spine.  beginning to feel again, beginning to breathe again, beginning to believe again.  believe in the idea that maybe true love really exists, that maybe there is someone out there that i can have a connection with on a much deeper than physical level.  i was beginning to think that maybe i can love a man rather than tolerate him.  but thats just it. he tolerates me. no, wait..he says he looks for in a girlfriend a girl he can tolerate for long periods of time who isnt a total psycho.  fabulous, so im not a serial killer and im interesting enough to not be discarded.  in fact it was proclaimed that at the time we started dating he was actively searching for a girlfriend because he was lonely and wanted one.  great so im like a dog. i keep him company, i dont really bother him too much when im around, and we play sometimes.  you know i will go ahead and say it, this man gave me my very first O moment. no joke. in fact i would have to say the best sex of my life was after one of our talks.  i cant remember what we talked about exactly (i think it was how i thought i was more invested in the relationship than him and he told me how much he cared about me and how he wanted things to work).  me being young and addicted to disney fell for it right then and there.  i was a goner.  got swept up in the sweet words and the beautiful intertwining of two people in love.  or one person in love and the other person in tolerance.  i felt it.  i felt such a connection on a totally unfathomable level and expressed that through my body.  apparently he felt it too since he claimed it was the best sex he's ever had..or actually the best we've ever had. (its possible he's had better...whatever she's probably a slut).  And now, now when he smiles, when he touches me, when "make love" it isnt fucking love at all.  i feel nothing but sadness knowing that his kisses still give me goosebumps and my kisses give him...kisses. to love and not be loved.  worst feeling ever.  i dont want to be in love.  what have we been doing the last 3 months.  the trip up the coast. disneyland. wicked. countless late nights and random adventures.  talks of visiting ohio and talks of the future.  what future.  its been 3 fucking months and the guy "really cares about me."  i dont want a man who really cares about me..i have enough friends.  i want to be in love with someone who is also in love with me.  i cry.  everyday i fucking cry. i cry at work. i cry in the car. i cry in the shower.  ill just randomly well up for no reason at all other than i feel so heavy and yet empty inside.  like a bright burning fire has just been extinguished and all thats left is the smoke.  im such a bitch now.  even the littlest thing will set me off. how will he love me if im a bitch?  and yet how do i not be a bitch to my lover who doesnt love me?  another one of life's conundrums.  last year the fortune teller said id be married at 26.  i think he should change that to single for life.  i dont want to be with someone i can stand.  i want to be with someone whose love for me is the stuff of legend as i will love him too.  whatever. im over it.  no wonder my relationships dont last longer than 3 months. this is why im better at dating. no emotions, no relationship, no commitment, no pain.  i asked my boyfriend if he loves me. he said its complicated.  i asked my boyfriend if he loves me. he said no.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

ive started crying again. sitting in my car and crying. sometimes i wish i could get away from my own life. take up spear fishing and live in a hut in bora bora. my mom claims ive been under this much pressure before. i think i mustve been superwoman. i called my coworker out today saying that im tired of picking up his slack and doing everyones job. he told my other coworker he wanted to report it to my boss. what a doucher. i feel like my limbs have been tied to 4 horses pulling in opposing directions and im one bee sting away from being in pieces. i guess im just bitching and should woman up. im sure the insomnia will kick in soon. ive cried everyday this week. a couple times at work today i started to tear up and had to consciously focus on my breath to not start balling. i just want someone to wrap their arms around me and say "its ok, we'll get through this. ur amazing and awesome and u can do everything." too much to ask? thought so. ive been told i give the best pep talks. sucks that i also have to give myself one. and people ask why i feel like i hafta do everything. ill tell u why, its because when u say 'if i dont do i im sure someone else will." im the one fixing it.

my mirror

u know we see the world as past mistakes.  each one like a little spot or blemish or stain on our otherwise pristine record. just spent a couple hours today cleaning an apartment. every spot lifted, every fingerprint wiped away, ever dirty dish disappeared.  its almost as if i wasnt even there.  how easy it is to spray some windex on a surface and paper towel away all the mistakes, all the flaws.  there are many things i wish to clean off my record but i cant.  our lives only move in one direction..towards the end.  sure things can mend, heal, or even seem to dissolve all together but a single trigger can bring back floods of emotions and memories once thought long lost.

the other day i picked up a little lion figurine.  it was from my ex.  i found it while searching for contact lenses (which i did not find by the way..bugger).  i looked at this little lion and i felt absolutely nothing.  no anger, no remorse, no regret.  no love, no "what if", no nothing.  it was kind of disappointing.  i thought i would at least be angry seeing as every time i speak his name it still leaves a terrible taste in my mouth.  but no, and so, very anticlimactically, i threw it away.  just like that, just fucking threw it away.  u know my boyfriend keeps things from his past relationships or flings or what not.  i know lots of people that do.  in fact i think i still have the note my very first boyfriend wrote to ask me out on a date when i was 16.  still have the note and cd a good friend of me gave me telling me he loved me when we graduated high school.  i still have random cds from people i used to like or used to like me and everytime the song shows up on my playlist i smile.  never say anything or tell anyone im with that "this is the song that so and so gave me".  i simply smile.  brings me back to a younger time, a more innocent time, a time for love and romance and burned cds and dedicating songs.

like spots on a mirror we cant windex away.  memories, mistakes, opportunities lost, taken.  part of me really would like to just delete it all. start fresh, start new.  but every blunder, every turn, every action and choice ive made has made me who i am today.  so when i look in the mirror i dont see just a reflection of what i look like in that moment, but i see all the spots and scratches and blemishes ive made reflecting back at me.  and i smile.  one day i may throw away all those things and delete all those songs and wipe my mirror clean.  maybe one day ill stop crying about things my mother has told me or things my father didnt do.  maybe one day ill forgive those who have hurt me because ill recognize that they didnt know any better. maybe one day i can start with a clean slate.  maybe thats what love is.  someone coming up to u and saying "here let me clean that for u" and windexes the shit of ur mirror.  maybe he'll say "there, now thats the girl i want to remember because from here forward we will be adding our mistakes and water marks to the mirror.  but it will be our mirror, so we'll share the same spots."

maybe ill never be able to let it go and ill forever be cautious and careful.  what a horrible life that would be. to not ever be able to fully trust someone "just in case" they fuck u over in the end.  but hey, im only human.  if i trust someone with my life why not also my livelihood?  *sigh* i dunno im kind of going through a funk today.  i start work at the new hospitals tomorrow.  we'll see how that goes. i was just thinking where i might on my next birthday..i have a feeling itll be a LONG ASS way from today.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

the world is supposed to end this year right?

Welcome to 2012! Somehow i find myself still alive and celebrating another new year.  honestly im not sure how i do it.  one day at a time? one month at a time? one breath at a time?  i feel over the last few months i have grown as a person, as a woman. finding that delicate balance between work, play, girls, man.  not gonna lie sometimes i like to go back and read earlier blog posts.  i dont know whether im admiring my writing or if i just like to see the pain i went through.  kinda like itching a scar.  u know its healed but sometimes it still irritates u.  i guess all it takes to turn ur life around is a big smile and a carelessness that allows u to throw urself into the world with abandon and naivity.  everything that makes me happy right now i have come by on a total whim.  asking for a job without expecting there to even be one available, kicking my roommate/best friend out and finding a new one within 5 hours, going on a date and waiting 45 minutes simply because i wanted to see the damn Tim Burton exhibit (kindest regards go to my fascination of dark claymation movies).  hell even my mom is talking to me right now!  *sigh* i guess my writing is not nearly as good when im happy. its all light and fluffy and giggly and much less dark and ominous and beautiful. 

i just finished watching a movie about love.  not mushy love between two lovers but the love that forms a connection between friends, sisters, struggle, survival, death.  in ancient china women married for reasons beyond their control.  to men who didnt care about them, their feelings, their well being.  forced since childhood to the restrictions and limits set to them by society, these women seeked refuge within each other against a common enemy..the world.  and in many ways i think we all pine for that partner in crime who we know against all odds will always be on our side.  but its not all rainbows and sunshine.  the film captured the sadness and hopelessness of love.  the loyalty, the betrayal, the sacrifice.  i may have found someone who im almost certainly falling for (as us scorpios do) whom i may or may not love.  difficult to say really, the true test of love is in the pitfalls.  when the going gets tough, the loveless run away.  i would say that i can no longer handle another heartbreak.  that after stanford boy i thought i would never truly love again.  and the truth is, that there were only 2 other people ive ever said "i love u" to after him..surprisingly (or not) both situations were in utter tragedy.  But come to think of it I dont think I was actually in love.  I felt the pain and the suffering and the unquenchable thirst of wanting to be wanted and equated that to love. both boys did not truly love me back and actually both are total losers (not just by my own but by societal standards).  prbly why i was able to get over it so quickly.  conclusion: ladies if after dumping ur man u feel like a ginormously huge weight has been lifted off ur shoulders and u are now free to be happy...it was not love. u are as i was in love with the idea of being in love.  do not confuse this with actual emotion.  i feel like when i do love again (which im sensing will be soon..fml) it will creep up behind me and smack me in the back of head and BAM everything is sunshine and rainbows!  as i described once before many many years ago when i was a young impressionable teenager; being in love is like being in a permanent state of euphoria without the need for drugs and/or other supplements.  rarely will things bother u and when they do the love will be so great that it will be easy to let those things go.  im sure thats how the old people do it.  being pissed off about something their significant other did then remembering all the wonderful things they did followed by forgetting all the trivial matters that seem to cloud our daily judgement.

Goodnight cyberspace..i think im off to bed. im hoping the posts will be much happier from now on but ill throw in a sob story every now and then, just to keep my writing sharp ;)

PS: promise new year's resolutions reflection and proposition will be posted shortly

Live ur Life
Victoria Niles