Sorry

dont ask me why im blogging at 6:40 in the morning.  i really have no excuses other than im at work, all qc has been done, and i have a lot on my mind.  im slowly adapting to the idea that you can love someone without them loving you back.  either that or im withdrawing emotionally from the situation without even realizing it soon and when he does eventually dump me ill probably just be numb and apathetic.  he says he's falling for me, says he's fell.  all the laughs and the shits and giggles are what made our relationship so god damn awesome.  but now the laughs are fewer and fewer and the smiles are matched with sadness behind the eyes.  i want to be that fun girl that is totally worth loving cause she's just soooo cool, but im not. and for that i am sorry.  sorry im not happy all the time.  sorry im not constantly making you laugh.  sorry im so high maintenance and you dont seem to be getting back what you're putting in.  sorry i never get to see you anymore.  sorry that that trip up the coast was probably the most fun we'll have for while.  sorry that shit hit the fan a couple weeks ago.  sorry that this last weekend was a reminder of why you fell for me in the first place.  sorry that those reminders are so rare i hardly recognize them anymore.  sorry that im all work and no play and im always complaining.  sorry that i argued with you about the gps...its a fucking gps.  sorry ive gained weight, i always get fat when im stressed.  sorry i made such a big deal about your ex, i just really dont want to lose you like ive lost many a guy to their respective exes.  sorry i cant be the woman you deserve or do for you everything you do for me.  i know you're trying, i can see it.  you say i should judge you by your actions and not your words.  i wish i could. i wish i didnt put so much emphasis on what people say.  i guess im just too trusting.  believing what people say then trying to overlook the shitty things they do.  but youre different.  you dont say much but you do the sweetest things.  but i am a girl and despite all the beautiful things you do i still get hurt by what you say.  im sorry im not stronger.  sorry i cry so often.  sorry im so much more insecure than you thought.  sorry i couldnt be the anchor in the relationship.  sorry for being so emo right now.  i know im not perfect, i know im not even close.  i know that you're probably the best boyfriend ill ever have.  i know that im probably not the girl of your dreams.  but i love you and i hope you'll give me a chance anyways.  i want to make you happy.  happy as you were when we first met. i want to make you fall in love with me every day for the rest of forever.  but im not perfect and for that i am sorry.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles