its 11pm and i am nowhere close to falling asleep. its been like this for about a few weeks now. the uncertainty and instability of our relationship is negatively affecting my life. my coworker asked me today what was wrong with me. i said i was tired, and she said "yea it looks like you could use some rest." i think she thinks i look physically tired but i am more mentally and emotionally drained than anything physical. you see i am in love with you. i am in love with you and you claim to love me too but your actions dont match your words. you kicked me out of your house after you promised you wouldnt, you told me we were just friends and then you fucked me, you told me you wanted to give us one more chance and then you unfairly judged me when i was still trying to get my shit together, you say you dont want a relationship then you accidentally call me your girlfriend, you say that we're dating but only casually, you tell me that you cant and wont give me 100% even though i deserve it, you say the ball is in my court but i always feel like its in yours. these are not things you do to someone you love. and maybe im focusing only on the negatives, but at this point the negatives so far out weigh the positives that i dont even recognize them anymore. i want to feel free to love you, not guilty. i want to miss you and call you and be with you without wondering whether or not you feel the same way or if youre just talking to me because you feel obligated and you dont actually give a shit about what i have to say. i want to stop crying every single fucking night and almost everyday because i love you so much it physically pains me to think you dont feel the same way and the only way for me to release that pain is with tears. im so tired, so very tired of trying to convince you im worth fighting for. you say im the best, you say i deserve love and devotion and 100%. you say that its not fair for you to string me along while you decide whether or not you want to be with me. yet here we are, sleeping together, dating, stringing me along. you said you want to "See where it goes." ive known you for 9 months and lived with you for 3. i know things about you that you probably dont even know. uve seen me at my worst and at my normal but u have never experienced me at my best. u dont know what that looks like, but trust me its worth the wait. we are so past the point of "Seeing where it goes." if you want to take it slow, fine. if you want to just flirt and date like we used to, fine. but at this point in time you should know me well enough to know if you want to be with me or not. casual dating and fucking around is reserved for people who dont know what they want. i am at a point where i want a man who knows what he wants, and i want that to be me. i want him to say, this is the girl id like to be with. i can see our lives together and she is the best thing since sliced bread. now how are we going to work on this so that we can both get there, to the point where we are fully committed, devoted, in love and happy with each other. what can i do to help make that happen. a real man would be able to say those things, to be able to admit them to himself. the kind of man i want to be with will be able to say those things to me. how could you not know if you want to be with me. for fuck's sake we lived together, you really still debating whether or not you wanna fuck some other chick? dude, go, fuck her, have fun, endlessly searching for side chick after side chick hoping she'll fulfill that empty hole ive left behind. she never will. because a casual chick that you're just sort of seeing where things go with is not going to pick up your calls in the middle of the night. she is not going to make you dinner when youve had a long day. she is not going to help you navigate your job or your investments or your parents. she is not going to "be the one who got away" or mother your fucking children. she is never going to be good enough because she will never try. and she will never try because you arent putting in the motherfucking effort. it hurts you know, it hurts me everyday to think that ive put my heart and soul into this relationship and you cant even put in enough effort to make a god damned decision. its one thing if ur like i just dont feel it and i dont love u. its another thing to say oh, i know youve been trying but i just still dont know, can you keep trying while i make up my mind eventually or never? fuck it, i dont care what you call it. boyfriends, girlfriend, serious relationship, casual relationship, 100%. i deserve and want someone who is fully committed to trying to make it work with me. because that is what love is, the choice to work on something beautiful with someone that YOU CHOSE. people say we dont choose who we love, but we do. we dont choose who we lust after, but to love someone deeply and truly and commit to them, those are all choices. choices that i have made and choices that you are delaying. call it what you will, i thought putting a title on us would mean that you made your choice but it didnt. you felt forced, you did it anyways because you're a coward, and thought it would buy you more time to choose. well i dont care about titles anymore. i care about actions. you want me, come get me bitch. im out *mic drop*
