twin

i contemplated calling you today. i woke up this morning and looked at my phone. no "good morning" text. no "have a great day!" nothing. just spam and work emails. oh the conundrum of adulthood. luckily i was too tired to be upset about it and just drove to work. not singing along to the radio, not dancing to "thrift shop" at work. i blasted the music so loud when i was opening this morning to drown out the sound of my own thoughts. what did i do wrong? like seriously? who knew being myself was such a major turn off? or maybe it was nothing i did. maybe it was something she did.  its possible i was totally being my usual charming self but she was being her unusual charming self and caught your attention? i dont know. i dont want to play this game. i guess this is punishment for all the games i played on men when i was younger. the senior scramble as they call it. get as many flings in as you can before you enter grown-upville and have to be a responsible committed individual retiring your player-ish ways less you be deemed an immature prick.  my friend is right. i must let you go find your way. there's so much going on in your life. i remember when i was in your shoes. the chaos, the confusion. being torn between what you love and what makes you comfortable. since what you love is often what scares the shit of you it makes sense to run..i know i did. ran all the way back home into a little hole under someones house, living on an old futon and donated furniture where the nights were always cold and the fridge always empty.  its scary out there. you're comfortable now.  being with someone whose been there for so long, being in a place you've been for so long. but your life is about to take a huge turn. i dont see that relationship lasting. i see it more of a security blanket. you know one day you'll have to let go. but in spite of all the tumultuous change of not knowing where you're going, what you'll be doing, or who you'll be doing it with you're reluctant to let go of that person whose always wanted you. who will always be there when you look back. 

but its time my love. you have to let go. maybe not for me, but for yourself.  how do you expect a plant to grow if you don't give it a bigger pot?  wherever you end up will be splendid. it'll be crazy and scary and at times totally depressing and you will miss the comforts of your old home, the people, the places, the girlfriend. you'll miss the security, the predictability.  and it hurts me to say this. it hurts me so unbelievably bad to admit that you're right to not know about us.  you're right to not know about anything right now.  just go with the flow and let the river take you wherever you'll be going.  and hopefully thats to me but theres a real possibility it wont.  and even though i can see us together in the future i cannot predict it.  its very possible that my life might take me even further away from yours (though i dont see how thats possible unless i leave the country...which i might.)  you know that saying, if you love something let it go and if it comes back to you its yours?  sad but true. you let me go 4 years ago. i vanished into thin air. that whole spring quarter/beginning of nuc med school was such a freaking mess i wouldve given anything to have been talking to you. but i fucked it up. when i needed you the most i pushed you away. im sorry for that as im sure you know since ive apologized a million times (and meant every one).  but im not going to leave you now. not when you need it the most.  the next few months will be a whirlwind. exciting but stressful. and what you need now is not some girl who is jealous of some other girl because some boy may not like her as much as some girl.  what you need is your best friend.  what you need is someone to call and bitch about that other girl, or that stupid project you had to finish. someone to tell when you finally land that interview or move to china or whatever! i will be that someone if you'll still have me.  im pretty sure im falling for you. pretty sure i have been for about 4 years now...ever since boston. but ive waited this long for you and you've waited even longer for me, i don't see why a little more time would hurt :)

Something happened yesterday I never expected to.  I can't say I didnt see it coming since i have a fairly descent intuition, but it hurt way more than i thought it would.  you know that feeling when you're on one of those rides...say dropzone...it brings you up, up, up and you get this excited anxiety that almost makes you wanna throwup if it weren't for your skin you'd go flying in every direction.  its a build, anticipation. and in the moment you linger at the top you can barely contain yourself. then, in an instant, the world just drops out from under you. there's a feeling in your stomach like a kind of weightlessness. and once you hit bottom you say "wow that was crazy." but was it really? I mean you knew what happened on the ride before you got in line. you knew what was gonna happen when you were on your way up, even right before the fall you knew it was coming. so why, tell me why does it always seem like such a Fucking surprise? is it possible to fall for someone you never see? is it possible to be too loving, too sweet, too kind. is it possible the woman he thought you were isn' who you actually are? I never thought my best friend would ever think of new like that. as less than satisfactory. I thought he like me since we were kids. is it possible I got so hyped up in his mind that I was rather disappointing once he had me? I don't know what I did, I'm not sure if I'd do anything differently. all I know is the person I talk to about these things isn't there anymore. the person who always had my back I feel just stabbed it. the person who thought I was wonderful, doesn't think so much anymore. I feel like a huge disappointment. like "yea I rode that ride and it wasn't as fun as it looked." maybe it wasn't meant to be. but tell me. who do you trust when you can't trust your friend. who do you love if not your best friend. who will be by your side of not your twin.