what is it called when you have an undying rage against someone? when everytime you think of them tears well up in your eyes and you're just so damn pissed at what they did. i really dont think it was me. i really think it was you. i can honestly say that i put in 110% into this relationship and i left it all out on the table. sure i faltered here and there but fuck man you really screwed this up. i feel like ive spent the last 6 months trying my darnedest to keep us together and you have been trying your hardest to make us fall apart. no not fall, PUSH us apart. you are actively pushing me away and making me hate you but worse than that making me hate myself. you say im selfish, impatient, not understanding, crazy, wrong, unrealistic, and for all intents and purposes unfuckable. you know what you fucking asshole. i am exactly NONE of those things. and when i told you that i have heard from multiple people that i am none of those things you laughed and scoffed at the notion that i may have even an ounce of confidence in myself. as if just because you hate the very air you breathe that i have to somehow hate myself too and then we can both look to each other for validation. its simply not true. maybe it was before because i was so madly in love with you i couldn't see the harm you were causing me. i look back on these blogs posts and i realize that i have been feeling this way since august of LAST YEAR...that is 15 months of feeling unheard, misunderstood, mistreated, underappreciated, taken for granted, unloved, and worst of all unworthy. fuck you for fucking this up and fuck me for letting myself think for even 1 second that i was anything less than the amazing woman i am. i have patience, incredible patience, ive worked with and changed the lives of dozens of students over the span of 15 years of tutoring. one on one where i can see the change in their eyes when they finally start to get it. theyre so proud and so confident and so happy and thankful that i sat with them night after night never yelling, never expressing disappointment, never criticizing, just sitting patiently waiting for them to learn when they're ready. i am understanding. of all people im understanding. i worked as a maid scrubbing shit off someone's toilet. me, with my fancy college degree, and nuclear medicine license, and formerly sexy trophy wife body. on my hands and knees scrubbing shit. crying as im cleaning, crying because my body hurts because im up 20 hours a day working 6 days a week and on the 7th i just do homework but at least i get to sit. i understand unemployment, homelessness, disappointed mothers, absentee fathers, a family torn apart by oceans and languages and culture. i understand that when a person has absolutely nothing is when you really get to see what theyre made of. and even when i lost all hope i woke up everyday and kept going. many times i thought about quitting but i never did. not for 1 day. but you did didn't you. one day it just got so hard that you decided you were now going to put in zero effort to keep going. it was too hard, you were too sad, you didn't love yourself, you felt depressed and defeated. and everytime i tried to lift you up you accused me of pushing you down. when i tried to give you warmth and comfort you told me to fuck off. you are miserable because you CHOSE to be miserable. you chose to push me away, to not express yourself, to hide behind the world as if the world caused your problems when in reality you got dealt a bad hand and you refused to play with it. i will never be quiet, i will never use my inside voice, i will not be less crude or less overtly sexual or less of anything really. i will never lose my passion or my fervor or my thirst for ambition and life. and even if you take away everything from me. even when im crawling on the ground, literally, gained 20 lbs, havent seen my family in nearly a year or my friends, i will never lose my love for life. i made a decision a long time ago to NOT end my life. because my life was worth something and i was going to make sure that it would be worth a lot more. so no i will not change, not for you, not for my mom, not for anyone. im not the one who is depressed. im not the one who is miserable. im not the one who has friends who dont know me. im not the one who fakes a smile everyday just to keep up appearances. i am who i am and i am PROUD. i worked hard through blood, sweat, and tears so many fucking tears to be where i am today and there is no fucking way in hell im changing all that for you. if you're not happy with your life then YOU change it. dont ask someone else to change who they are to make you happy. your happiness is your choice and only you can make that decision. i am done. i am done. i am done. and now that we're over, now that i've told you that i am worth more than you know but i guess you'll never get to find out. now you want what you can't have. now you miss me. now you feel the cold of the world that i was previously trying to shelter your from when you rejected my support. now you miss the affection when before you literally pushed me off you. now with the "i love you"s and the "just calling to catch up" bullshit. its all fake. i know its fake. because i know how good you are at keeping up appearances. i aint falling for that shit no more. i want a life partner who is confident in who they are. they are happy they are fufilled they are beautiful just the way they are and they are just looking for someone to light up the night sky with. i am looking for a star. a beautiful brightly shining blazing star. because thats what i am. i am a star and the spotlight is on me and im looking for someone to duet with, not a fucking back up singer. if you aren't even the lead in your own movie, how can you expect to get the girl? clean your act up. figure out who you are. stop blaming me for your problems. figure out where you're going and how you're going to get there. i pray, i pray that one day you may shine as brightly as i know you have the potential to. but i am not going to let you put out my light just to make yours seem brighter. step up or step back. do or do not, there is no try.
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Monday, February 6, 2017
Dear Stan
Dear Stan,
I've never posted names before because I like to keep certain things private. However, seeing as no one reads this blog and I feel this directly correlates to you, I'll start with "dear stan." First I would like to say that I love you. Not in the way that I loved my boyfriend's in the past. I'm not going to lie, I'm an emotional person and I tend to fall in love easily. Usually I love certain traits or qualities of a person and when the nuance of that ends I lose interest. Not going to lie, sometimes it's just lust. But you, I love you. I love you in a way that one loves their best friend. Sometimes you love them so much and you see them hurting themselves and you just want to shout out them "you could be so much more, why don't you see you the way I see you!" But that's just the thing isn't it. It doesn't matter how much I love you if you don't love you. I know you're going through a hard time right now with work and school and your property and probably a bunch of other things I don't know about because you're prideful. You once told me that you don't like to tell me your problems because you were taught in physical therapy to rely on yourself. Funny isn't it? You go to physical therapy to help you regain physical strength because you can't do it on your own and then they say do it on your own. But I'm not sure you grasp the meaning. This is not a lecture, you are doing nothing wrong, you're just doing it the hard way. Doing it completely on your own would be like trying to heal yourself after you broke your back. You needed surgeons, nurses, techs, therapists, all the tools and expertise of the people you specifically hired to make you better. Sure you could've just tried to let your back heal on it's own but honestly it would severely limit your range of motion. That's what I am. I am not here to tell you how to live your life or what you should do. I am here to support you and help you achieve the goals you wish to achieve. You wanna walk again? Let's make that happen. You wanna be a financial adviser? Let's make that happen. I love you in a way that I want you to succeed even if that means it's going to be tough and you're going to be unhappy until you achieve your goals. I love you so much that I want you to be happy even if that means I'm not in the picture. I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness to make yours happen. Call it crazy or whatever but it's how I feel. Right now you're mad at me. You've been mad at me a lot this last month. The weird thing is that we were doing really well before your birthday. I actually thought we were out of the dark times and our relationship was finally on the track I wished it to be on. Then the whole picture fiasco happened. Then meeting the parents fiasco. Then Colorado fiasco. Then the brother fiasco. Then the stomach flu fiasco. And now what I'll call the everyday fiasco. If I so much as express the smallest amount of "not esctatic-ness" I immediately get a "what's wrong with you" type expression. Dude, nothing's wrong with me. You are upset and therefore you are projecting that madness onto me, thinking that with every breath I take I'm somehow accusing you of being less than. The other day you did something that hurt my feelings. You spent all your energy trying to convince me that you did not do that thing that hurt my feelings that you forgot the most and only important thing. I WAS HURT! I was hurt when you didn't delete that picture. I was hurt when you didn't appreciate the sacrifice I had to make going to meet you parents. I was hurt when you got upset that I tried to put make up on and look pretty for you. I was hurt when yet again you did not want to have sex with me, like I'm a fucking leper. I was hurt when you told me randomly that I needed to "lay off you" when I was just taking pictures of the fucking mountains. I was hurt when you got mad that you had to take care of me when I was sick. I was hurt that you left me at the bar. I was hurt that you put in the most minimal passive effort to make sure I was safe. I was hurt when you told me to get the fuck out. I was hurt when I told you that I wanted to break up with you because I know that's a lie but I said it because I feel it is the only thing that I could've said to convey how hurt I was. And still, even with all of that, I am hurt that you are currently not talking to me. I am hurt that you are currently debating whether or not you still want to be with me. I am hurt that yet again I am questioning my value and worth because although I think I am a great girlfriend I don't seem to be appreciated. I am hurt that you are pushing me away because you're so stressed at work and with everything else that you are poisoning our relationship wtih your unhappiness. I am hurt that I am unable to make you happy. Mostly though, out of everything, I am hurt that you have hurt me and don't seem to acknowledge that you've hurt me. Even reading this now, I am sure that you are thinking of all the arguements that you could present to tell me that "that's not what you meant" or "you didn't say that" or "I'm not satisfied with the effort you put in and that's my problem." Why so focused on placing blame? Why so focused on who is right and who is wrong and combing through past texts to try and hash it out. Who the fuck cares. The biggest and most generous thing you can do for someone you love is to sacrifice your pride for the benefit of their emotions. I've apologized to friends before for things that I clearly did nothing wrong because the point is it doesn't matter if I thought I was right. My friend is in pain and for some reason they have decided to associate that pain with an action I did and that is enough reason for me to apologize to ease their pain and give them peace. Yo
I've never posted names before because I like to keep certain things private. However, seeing as no one reads this blog and I feel this directly correlates to you, I'll start with "dear stan." First I would like to say that I love you. Not in the way that I loved my boyfriend's in the past. I'm not going to lie, I'm an emotional person and I tend to fall in love easily. Usually I love certain traits or qualities of a person and when the nuance of that ends I lose interest. Not going to lie, sometimes it's just lust. But you, I love you. I love you in a way that one loves their best friend. Sometimes you love them so much and you see them hurting themselves and you just want to shout out them "you could be so much more, why don't you see you the way I see you!" But that's just the thing isn't it. It doesn't matter how much I love you if you don't love you. I know you're going through a hard time right now with work and school and your property and probably a bunch of other things I don't know about because you're prideful. You once told me that you don't like to tell me your problems because you were taught in physical therapy to rely on yourself. Funny isn't it? You go to physical therapy to help you regain physical strength because you can't do it on your own and then they say do it on your own. But I'm not sure you grasp the meaning. This is not a lecture, you are doing nothing wrong, you're just doing it the hard way. Doing it completely on your own would be like trying to heal yourself after you broke your back. You needed surgeons, nurses, techs, therapists, all the tools and expertise of the people you specifically hired to make you better. Sure you could've just tried to let your back heal on it's own but honestly it would severely limit your range of motion. That's what I am. I am not here to tell you how to live your life or what you should do. I am here to support you and help you achieve the goals you wish to achieve. You wanna walk again? Let's make that happen. You wanna be a financial adviser? Let's make that happen. I love you in a way that I want you to succeed even if that means it's going to be tough and you're going to be unhappy until you achieve your goals. I love you so much that I want you to be happy even if that means I'm not in the picture. I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness to make yours happen. Call it crazy or whatever but it's how I feel. Right now you're mad at me. You've been mad at me a lot this last month. The weird thing is that we were doing really well before your birthday. I actually thought we were out of the dark times and our relationship was finally on the track I wished it to be on. Then the whole picture fiasco happened. Then meeting the parents fiasco. Then Colorado fiasco. Then the brother fiasco. Then the stomach flu fiasco. And now what I'll call the everyday fiasco. If I so much as express the smallest amount of "not esctatic-ness" I immediately get a "what's wrong with you" type expression. Dude, nothing's wrong with me. You are upset and therefore you are projecting that madness onto me, thinking that with every breath I take I'm somehow accusing you of being less than. The other day you did something that hurt my feelings. You spent all your energy trying to convince me that you did not do that thing that hurt my feelings that you forgot the most and only important thing. I WAS HURT! I was hurt when you didn't delete that picture. I was hurt when you didn't appreciate the sacrifice I had to make going to meet you parents. I was hurt when you got upset that I tried to put make up on and look pretty for you. I was hurt when yet again you did not want to have sex with me, like I'm a fucking leper. I was hurt when you told me randomly that I needed to "lay off you" when I was just taking pictures of the fucking mountains. I was hurt when you got mad that you had to take care of me when I was sick. I was hurt that you left me at the bar. I was hurt that you put in the most minimal passive effort to make sure I was safe. I was hurt when you told me to get the fuck out. I was hurt when I told you that I wanted to break up with you because I know that's a lie but I said it because I feel it is the only thing that I could've said to convey how hurt I was. And still, even with all of that, I am hurt that you are currently not talking to me. I am hurt that you are currently debating whether or not you still want to be with me. I am hurt that yet again I am questioning my value and worth because although I think I am a great girlfriend I don't seem to be appreciated. I am hurt that you are pushing me away because you're so stressed at work and with everything else that you are poisoning our relationship wtih your unhappiness. I am hurt that I am unable to make you happy. Mostly though, out of everything, I am hurt that you have hurt me and don't seem to acknowledge that you've hurt me. Even reading this now, I am sure that you are thinking of all the arguements that you could present to tell me that "that's not what you meant" or "you didn't say that" or "I'm not satisfied with the effort you put in and that's my problem." Why so focused on placing blame? Why so focused on who is right and who is wrong and combing through past texts to try and hash it out. Who the fuck cares. The biggest and most generous thing you can do for someone you love is to sacrifice your pride for the benefit of their emotions. I've apologized to friends before for things that I clearly did nothing wrong because the point is it doesn't matter if I thought I was right. My friend is in pain and for some reason they have decided to associate that pain with an action I did and that is enough reason for me to apologize to ease their pain and give them peace. Yo
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Disappointment
Disappointment. It's a scary word. I actually think it's one of the scariest words in the English language. Do you have any idea how many ideas, actions, words, emotions are driven by that one evil idea of disappointment. Disappointing someone, yourself, everyone, the general public. If you think about how many times a day you think about pleasing someone else you'd realize you're a complete wuss. A pathetic push over who is constantly seeking and hoping for appraisal from someone...anyone really. I'll give you an example. I used to be a big bad ass bitch who didn't take shit from no one and thought that I didn't care what other people thought of me and I just did what I want. The other day a patient randomly pulled me aside to tell me that she thought the way in which I answered her question was with too much attitude and that I needed to change my tune. I apologized politely as instructed by our online training modules and sent her on her merry way. But here is what really went down. This fucking raging bitch monster had the nerve to ask me a question while I was in the middle of helping another patient and then was angry when I could not take the time to answer her questions in a flowery prose immediately because, you know, I was with another patient. So although I answered her questions (thoroughly and informatively) she didn't like the way in which I said it. She in fact, hated it so much, she took it upon herself to take up more of my time (while still actively trying to help this other patient) to tell me that she thought my attitude needed working on. WTF. Lady, this is not elementary school and you are not my mother. You have absolutely zero right to pull me aside in the middle of MY FUCKING WORK DAY to tell me I have an attitude problem. You have a problem, go to my boss or write a fucking note like a little bitch. You have no authority over me and you do not pay my fucking bills bitch. Even knowing all of this and thinking all of this in my head, I couldn't help but be hurt by what she said. Here I am literally working my ass off, running around, saving lives, and with a fantastic smile to boot and she has the audacity to poo poo my attitude because for 5 seconds I was less than subservient. I walked around the rest of the day all mopey because some random bitchy stranger told me I was doing a bad job. I'm sure the same thing has happened to you, to all of us. Even though we say we don't care, how many of us can truly take criticism and let it roll off those emotional shoulders.
Here's another example, my mom decided that she for some reason is still not satisfied with the amount of money I make. I will like to point out that I just told her I got a $20,000 raise and she literally says, ok but what are you going to do to make more money. Seriously woman, can't you just say congratulations like everyone else? I told her three different ideas I had to make more money and she decided to spend the next 3 hours peppering me with questions and poking holes in all 3 of my ideas. Instead of telling her in the first minute, that these are just ideas I had and that I refuse to answer any criticizing questions about them, I spent 3 hours trying to convince my mom that they were ideas worth having. Somehow I found myself trying to convince her that my salary was more than enough to live a comfortable lifestyle for a whole fucking damn family. Disappointment. She will always be disappointed in me. Her lack of approval is what drove me my entire life to try and gain that approval. And even though my therapist says that it is not my job to impress her it still feels like it is. Like a Pavlovian response I am addicted to trying to make her happy. Every smile, every head nod, everytime she says "good" is like a small victory. Why do I care so much? I make plenty of money to support my life style and I think my ideas are fucking fantastic. So why does it matter whether she likes it or not? I am not asking her for any fiscal or time investment. I am not asking her to be a part of this adventure. I am telling her my life goals and somehow it's important whether or not she approves of MY life goals? Come on girl. We all do it, kids want to please their parents. Wars have been fought because of this.
We need to stop letting people run our lives. Stop caring about what they think or say. Politely acknowledge that their opinion is different from yours and instead of trying to prove them wrong or right or whatever, just brush your shoulders off. And not just say that we don't care, but to live it as well. It's hard. I believe I just found my New Year's Resolution, Everytime I find myself in a situation where I'm trying to defend myself to the other person I will simply stop talking, agree to disagree, and move on. Clearly if I am in a defensive stance it is because I see you in an offensive stance. A mature productive conversation cannot happen if one is attacking the other. This is no longer a discussion and now an argument. No more arguments. If i feel defensive, I will shut my mouth and kill that argument. You can't argue by yourself. And if I refuse to participate in trivial he said ,she said, im right, youre wrong, blah blah blah then I am above it all. Rise above the bullshit honey, 2017.
Here's another example, my mom decided that she for some reason is still not satisfied with the amount of money I make. I will like to point out that I just told her I got a $20,000 raise and she literally says, ok but what are you going to do to make more money. Seriously woman, can't you just say congratulations like everyone else? I told her three different ideas I had to make more money and she decided to spend the next 3 hours peppering me with questions and poking holes in all 3 of my ideas. Instead of telling her in the first minute, that these are just ideas I had and that I refuse to answer any criticizing questions about them, I spent 3 hours trying to convince my mom that they were ideas worth having. Somehow I found myself trying to convince her that my salary was more than enough to live a comfortable lifestyle for a whole fucking damn family. Disappointment. She will always be disappointed in me. Her lack of approval is what drove me my entire life to try and gain that approval. And even though my therapist says that it is not my job to impress her it still feels like it is. Like a Pavlovian response I am addicted to trying to make her happy. Every smile, every head nod, everytime she says "good" is like a small victory. Why do I care so much? I make plenty of money to support my life style and I think my ideas are fucking fantastic. So why does it matter whether she likes it or not? I am not asking her for any fiscal or time investment. I am not asking her to be a part of this adventure. I am telling her my life goals and somehow it's important whether or not she approves of MY life goals? Come on girl. We all do it, kids want to please their parents. Wars have been fought because of this.
We need to stop letting people run our lives. Stop caring about what they think or say. Politely acknowledge that their opinion is different from yours and instead of trying to prove them wrong or right or whatever, just brush your shoulders off. And not just say that we don't care, but to live it as well. It's hard. I believe I just found my New Year's Resolution, Everytime I find myself in a situation where I'm trying to defend myself to the other person I will simply stop talking, agree to disagree, and move on. Clearly if I am in a defensive stance it is because I see you in an offensive stance. A mature productive conversation cannot happen if one is attacking the other. This is no longer a discussion and now an argument. No more arguments. If i feel defensive, I will shut my mouth and kill that argument. You can't argue by yourself. And if I refuse to participate in trivial he said ,she said, im right, youre wrong, blah blah blah then I am above it all. Rise above the bullshit honey, 2017.
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