weird space

weird space right now. weird space in mind that is like a dark pit.  nothing going in, nothing coming out.  just a hole of blackness in my soul that i cant seem to shed any light on.  im unhappy.  not sure what it is that is making me unhappy, not even sure if i actually am unhappy.  i just know that im not at optimum happiness which is what i guess we all strive for.  its strange you know.  turning down so many great guys and for what.  i cant seem to form human connections anymore.  whether its with people im dating or people im friends with that bond that was so strong, that ability to read someone's emotions, actions, and to respond...its just gone.  everything else is in tact.  the lights are definitely on at home but its like the outlets in one room just aren't working.  gotta call an electrician.  2013 is the year for doing shit...for getting it done.  everything ive ever wanted can be mine with hard work, luck, and a whole lot of guts.  for the last 3.5 years i have been searching for someone.  for that special someone.  for someone who will love me and cherish me and believe that i am enough, that i am not perfect but im wonderful.  someone who will accept by bold, blunt attitude but also appreciate my softer romantic side.  someone who knows how to let me have my freedom but also when to draw me back in and say ok v, that's enough.  a man's man as they say, but also a gentleman.  my friends know that the type of guy i need is very specific, very rare, or pretty much non-existant.  but after all the bull shit and the heart ache and the boys i dont know what i believe anymore.  i dont know who i am anymore.  i dont know what i want and even if i did i dont know how to get it.  my soul has a black hole in it, like a missing puzzle piece, like all the lights in the house are on except that one dark window in the corner.  i need that fucking light to go on.  i need that hole to be filled.  once i am complete again i wont be as erratic, overcompensating, unpredictable.  maybe when i am whole again my prince can find me and we can be happy.  how can i expect me to find him or him to find me if im not, well, 100% present.  im leaving for Europe for a month.  im heading out to the new world to find the old me.  somehow in the mess of moving, new jobs, boys, everything, i lost me.  and u know how to find urself?  get lost in everything else.  i know it sounds weird but sometimes people describe being too familiar with their surroundings and it causes them to come into a routine.  into a rut as they say.  take away the home, the friends, the language, the food, the people and replace them all with foreign senses and all ur left with is u.  very counter intuitive but know itll work.  when i went to australia i came back a different person. went i moved into that lady's basement in norcal i became a different person.  and since moving back to la ive kinda lost sight of my person.  time for another massive trip.  a month of exploration, discovery, exhilaration and exhaustion.  and maybe, just maybe when i came back, everything will even out.  and all the little problems will be just that, little.

i know what its like

i know what its like to date someone and not get along with any of his friends.
i know what its like to date someone and get along with all his friends.
i know what its like to sleep with someone while thinking of someone else.
i know what its like to sleep with someone and not able to think of anything else.
i know what its like to have the perfect boyfriend who isnt actually my boyfriend.
i know what its like to have the perfect monster actually be my boyfriend.
i know what its like to love someone long distance and not see him for months at a time.
i know what its like to love someone down the street and end up seeing him all of the time.
i know what its like to dump someone who didnt deserve it, who deserves so much better.
i know what its like to be dumped by someone when i didnt deserve it.
i know what its like to laugh, cry, curl my toes and smile when making love.
i know what its like to feel guilt and pleasure and pain simultaneously.
i know what its like to hate the person youre with and to be hated by the person you love.
i know what its like to be with every type of man except the one im going to be with.
i dont know what itd be like to have a boyfriend who loved me when i loved him. whose friends i would absolutely adore and lived so close i could hop over just for dinner.  where no one would be dumped or broken or deserving of more. someone who when we make love all i feel is pleasure and passion and ecstasy, and all i can think of is being in that moment with him.  i dont know what any of that feels like...ill bet that it would be absolutely amazing.

Confusion: Day 5

I cant believe its already Thursday. here i am sitting at home with a glass of pink moscato thinking "wow i actually got off work early today...what the fuck do i do now?" i wonder around the condo contemplating finishing my taxes or cleaning. i end up doing the dishes and paying some bills.  im in a weird state of shock and contemplation right now. i fixed my phone yesterday.  it was weird doing it by myself since for the a while i thought you'd be helping me, but as i chipped away at the glass i realized that i didnt really need your help.  and when i woke up this morning to dust inside my phone i realized i probably wouldve done better had i had your help.  i did the dishes and thought of how you did the dishes for me when i left early for work.  that was so sweet.  ive done that for ex's but never the other way around.  then i thought of you in korea and realized you never did the dishes.  i also recalled we never actually made dinner together.  i wonder why we never made dinner.  was it because i didnt want to? you didnt want to?  its weird to be emotionally falling for you and yet physically falling for you.  its like im being torn apart deciding and it seems my brain has made that up for me.  i didnt mean to stutter out what happened but it just came up like word vomit. unprepared, unaware of what i was saying it just got said.  i know that neither of us, any of us, are ready for the type of relationship we want and yet we want the same thing.  i know this makes sense to none of you but to me, in my head, its perfectly laid out.  i have a feeling i will regret the conversation i had on sunday.  and yet without that conversation i would've never known that i will come to regret it.  now im speaking in riddles but maybe this break is good.  maybe i need to lose some to gain some?  *sigh* i really hope in the end everything works out for everyone involved.  i miss you.  i miss laying next to you and smelling your skin. i miss the passionate, cant keep our hands off each other sex.  i also miss the long conversations and hilarious texts. i miss having coffee on sunday mornings.  "i like having coffee with you."  i dont know why but that line still makes me smile.  somehow it was probably one of the most flattering things ever said to me.  its like saying i like the simplicity of something so routine and easy as having coffee when i get to have it with you.  in 2 weeks you'll come back and we'll see how i feel.  right now i need a break.  right now im still confounded.  right now i miss ...

Live your Life,
Victoria Niles

pizza, movie?

have you ever made a decision and immediately started questioning everything about it.  like you had been thinking about it for weeks and finally came to a conclusion and then execution day comes and all logic goes out the window.  did i say that right? am i a bad person? am i going to regret this?  i dumped someone today. i dont know if it was the right decision. i didnt even realize it was happening until it already happened.  he asked me "are we done?" and i looked at him and said "romantically, i think so."  i sit up as cuddling with him became more and more uneasy.  i felt guilt. so much guilt.  i felt like a bitch, like i just hit him with the broad side of the sword.  we were talking about pizza i think.  pizza and movies?  im not sure.  and as i looked at him i could see it in his eyes. i was a raging cunt.  it was sadness. disappointment.  it was a look of "is this really happening, is she really doing this?" the idea of "but we were having so much fun, i thought she really liked me" and i do! but at the same time i know that that's about as far as it's going to go. i immediately thought, has he been dumped before?  am i the first person to crush this poor boy's heart like a grape?  this made me feel even more guilty.  to take someone so nice, so thoughtful, so genuinely passionate about life and just stomp all over him.  could i be that bad of a person? what's wrong with dating a nice guy.  why is it i never fall in love with the nice guys.  but ive played this game before and i know what kind of player i am.  without fail most of my relationships end within 2-3 months.  because at that point i know that i want to be in a relationship and he doesnt so we break up.  or i know that im not in love with him so we break up.  i tried that once.  one time i dated a guy for 8 months.  saw him every single day and we went sleep next to each other every night. i met all his friends, his parents knew me, his grandparents.  i had a bottle of conditioner at his place. we celebrated birthdays and the holidays. he was so nice, so thoughtful, such a great person.  he used to pack my lunch for work. when we slept together he always gave more than he took.  and yet both times he asked me to be his girlfriend i said no i dont want to be in a relationship.  and finally, on a rainy february afternoon i drove over to his place, rang the door bell and said this isnt working. and he replied with, i know.  and it was as simple as that.  no arguments, no fights, we both knew deep down that this was not the person im going to marry.  ive never been married but ive talked to many people in successful marriages and they all say the same thing. you just know.  there have been a few guys i thought i was going to marry.  but i was never 100% sold on the idea.  it was i wanna marry him, but..... i feel like there shouldnt be a but.  i like him so much and he'd be such a great boyfriend, but....no, as i sit here now and type this all out i realize and recognize that the "but" is never a good sign. if he'd be such a great boyfriend then why isnt he already?  if you are meant to be together they why aren't you?  if this is the man you're going to marry then why are you thinking of saying no?  ive made quite a few hard decision in life and the hardest ones are always the ones that end up hurting people.  it goes against my nature to hurt someone, even if they're not a significant part of my life. sometimes i even feel bad for my patients because i know theyre going to die but i lie to their faces anyway. ultimately i may come to regret losing him.  but i know that this was the right decision for us right now.  as my best friend says, if you're having doubts now this early on, what kind of doubts will you be having a year from now when something has actually happened to make you doubt your relationship? 

im sorry K, im just so sorry. you deserve better. you deserve more.

pizza, root beer, movie, sex, cuddling?  looks like my sunday night just got a lot worse...

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles