I told off my HOA lady today. She asked me where i got the code to get into my building. i told her that i got it from a neighbor. she said i wasnt supposed to have it. i told her that thats fine but instead of accusing me of doing something wrong (ie having the code) she couldve just told me. she then emailed and left a voicemail apology saying that she did not mean at all to sound accusatory but that i mistook her tone via email. she sounded sincerely apologetic and i felt bad because my tone was CLEARLY accusatory. made me think of a conversation i had last night. how i take things and spin them for the negative. why is it so hard for me to take things at face value. hey, v, ever thought maybe she just really wanted to know where i got the code, where the leak was coming from? nope..definitely she wanted to tell me i was wrong. my mom has always said i was a very sensitive kid. i would take things that she'd say and extrapolate them into the most monumental horrors imaginable. i guess it was all those hours i spent in the garage "contemplating what i did wrong." too much time solo causes someone to start having conversations in their own head. which is not a good thing when youre actually having a conversation with another person because you start hearing their voice in your head instead of in your ears. something's wrong with me. i was so sure of everything when i got back from europe. i knew who i was, what i was doing, where i was going, and what i wanted. im not totally lost now but i do feel like my confidence and security is slipping away. ive never been good at it u know. the whole love thing. i dont get it. i dont get how some people can stay so happy and so satisfied for so long. im envious. envious with every fiber of my being to wonder what thats like. i know how to make myself happy, but to get that from another person? how? wont they leave? what if they stay? what if what you think theyre thinking isnt what theyre thinking? what if ur falling madly in love and hes falling madly out of it? i cried at work this morning. im not sure why, the conflict was taken care of. but was it really? i wanted to talk about feelings, but instead got totally dumped on for all the things i was doing wrong. not the type of feelings i was talking about. i wanted to talk about romantic feelings. hearing how much he missed me and he thinks about me even when hes busy. does he? i dunno. all i know is i need to pull away. step back from the line v, ur not ready to cross it. cause if u do and he doesnt...then its just u, there, all alone, on the other side of the line trying to figure out how to get back home. step back v, he says ur pressuring him, step back, he says ur smothering him, step back, when u wanna text him, think. when u wanna make him presents, think, how many have u made him this month? when u wanna be sad when ur time together is over, think, is he sad? no, he has other things to get done. he is not sad ur leaving and therefore neither should u. ull see each other again..right? maybe just stop going over all together. he says he doesnt invite u over on purpose. take that as a hint...ur not supposed to go over. stop inviting urself. just stop v JUST STOP.i feel this pain in my chest, like someone just squeezed my heart a little. i know that feeling. its the feeling of hopelessness. clutching at ur soul like ur hand is the only thing keeping ur heart in ur chest. hopelessly in love. its sad really. how many times has this happened sweetie, and u just cant learn. nobody sees relationships like u do, love like u do, as this fantasy emotion thats neither real nor a dream. such a strange uncontrollable feeling. most kids experience this growing up, at least they have something to compare to. i do not know if i have experienced true unconditional love...but i know ive experienced love and loss. sad. to see such a beautiful girl cry. but its time to get on ur feet v. time to step up to the challenge just like u did when u thought u were going to die in europe. time to figure out a plan when no one else is willing to cooperate or care for u. time to get to the other side...but how, in this hour of need if i cant turn to whom i love then what?
