so they say in life when one door closes another one opens, the end of a chapter is the start of a new one...i say life forgot to mention the awkwardness between doors and chapters that so many of us are currently experiencing. just finished my nuclear medicine program in norcal, had to move out of that ladies place in june because i just couldn't be cinderella anymore. now i live in san mateo with the most awesomest landlady ever, 2 beautiful children and a doggie. my mother has moved back to the bay area (for good) and bought a place not too far from here. my friend and i are starting our own business and im tutoring 4 different people. i have a job interview next thursday that i am totally psyched for and i guess from the outside looking in id say all is well.
why is it then that im still so ...lost? everyone is telling me that everything will turn out great. im bright, outgoing, hardworking, and applying for jobs like crazy. something is bound to turn up and when it does it'll be fabulous. right?...RIGHT?! i dunno, call me crazy but i feel like im living in limbo right now. neither here nor there. not happy but not sad. i want so many things and at the same time i have no idea what i want at all.
had 2 boyfriends this year (well one undeclared and one official but lets be honest it was 2). first one didnt work out because he liked me more, second one didnt work out because i liked him more...now im dating...seeing...hanging out with...sleeping with? this new guy and i have absolutely no idea how he feels about me. some days he'll be sweet and protective and just make me feel so freakin special. and then some days he makes me feel like a 50 cent whore. i want him to like me and care about me and go on romantic dates and be all cheesy. but i also dont want to get involved with someone right now. i want to be free and independent and be able to make important life decisions without feeling clouding my judgement and yet...i also really want to fall in love again.
there's a type of love that you have for a person that you care about and that you would really put yourself out there for. and then there's being in love. however fleeting, being in love is possibly the best feeling in the world. you dont think about anything else except that other person. all your problems seem to melt away as if nothing else in the world could even concern you at the moment because you are so wrapped up in feeling fantabulous with the other person. days seem to blow by like the sands of time and moments can last for an eternity. although i have loved a couple guys i have only ever truly been in love once. a long time ago. and i have to honestly say im ready to feel that feeling again. i want to find someone to just lose myself in and to have him daydream about me all the time and to write his name on all my notebooks. alas i do not believe this is in the cards for me because someone keeps sending me guys that either dont care about me or that i cant get into...either way im trying to keep myself busy with independent projects, reconciling with my mother and finding employment.
but i cant help but feel like something is missing. i hope one day soon i will meet that someone or something that is missing and it will fill the whole in my heart. until then i will wander this earth lonely and absorbed in my work. it is the only way i know how to cope with the emptiness. prince charming if you're out there. i have faith we'll find each other..i only hope before its too late.
Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles
