Whatever

I have so much I want to write and no clue how to word any of it.  I feel sad, mad, betrayed even? I don't know about betrayed.  No, that's probably not the right word.  I'm not sure how to describe what's going through my mind.  Flashbacks to previous relationships.  You know how there's a turning point where u know the relationship is going to end.  You never see it coming, it always seems to hit you from left field, and yet everytime you look back on a past relationship there it is plain as day.  I think my relationship is going to end.  I feel myself losing you every day.  I feel the romance has died, the passion is dwindling.  The excitement is less exciting.  I feel like any day now you may just waltz in here and say "you know, this isn't really working for me anymore" and I'll have nothing else to say but "ya, I know."  It starts with the fights.  Little fights that you just "get over" because your love for each other is so vast and great and wonderful.  Then the little fights grow up into raging teenage hormonal fights about how frustrating the other person is and "conflicting personal values." Then eventually the fighting stops and the dry spell starts.  One missed date turns into "oh we'll just do that later."  Later never comes. Long responses between texts turns into no response at all.  One missed call turns into two which turns into ten and before you know it you go days without speaking.  After all the separation and once everybody feels significantly emotionally detached comes the stand off.  Who is going to break up with who.  You care about the other person so you don't want to hurt their feelings.  At the same time you don't really want to drag it out either because it fucking sucks being aware of your impending doom.  *sigh* Whatever.

Happy 4 months

We're not going to make it are we.  Happy 4 months. You've made it further than most of the others and I commend you for that, but I sense we're falling apart.  I can feel my entire life falling apart.  Such brief moments of pure elation followed by tremendous spans of just awfulness.  My job, my friends, my boyfriend, my life.  I just can never win.  Right when I think you know this couldn't get any better, I finally have everything, I find out I'm right. It really can't get any better, cause once you're at the top, the only place to go is down.  You know there was a time I thought we were going to go all the way. There was a time I imagined us living together, meeting your parents, having fun all day everyday. There was even a time when I thought you could be the one.  But now I realize, I'm the one.  The one whose always fucking things up.  You know if you've had enough failed relationships it's probably you.  Yea, it's me.  Reasons I've been dumped: bitching about my job, check; trying to help my boyfriend get a job, check; moving too fast, check; being too structured, check; being the best girlfriend ever, check. Need I continue.  Pretty much every reason I've ever been dumped for we've addressed, experienced, argued about, or encountered.  In fact, why are you even still here?  I'm so tired of arguing.  All the arguing.  Fighting about what?  Things about yourself that you won't change and things about me that I won't change.  We're just different people, aren't we.  We tried, we gave it our best shot didn't we. At least, that's what we'll tell people when they ask "oh my god what happened you guys were so cute!"  And I'll say yea, I thought so too.  But that's the thing, people only want to see happy people.  No one wants to hang out with the debbie downer.  No one genuinely wants to listen to another person's problems (unless you're a shrink, but you're getting paid to shut up and listen). Everyone wants to only be around people who are sunshine and rainbows because they are so upset with their own damn lives that they don't want to have to add the stress of somebody else's burdens.  Unfortunately this is just a bad time for me and sunshine and rainbows.  I've had a lot over the last couple months to deal with and most of these days I'm not happy anymore.  I apologize for my rainy cloud that I drag along with me like in the depression commercials, but that's just how I feel nowadays.  And it will pass, I hope, but I have no idea when.  I understand if you don't want to stay.  I understand if you'd rather go be with someone new and exciting and fluffy cotton candy.  I understand that you don't want to get soaked by standing under my rain cloud with me.  Who wants to be in the rain?  I know you say you care.  You do all the right things, say all the right things, which means you care.  Thank you for caring. People are always saying "this is not a good time for me to be in a relationship right now."  Newsflash, if it was actually a good time for you to be in a relationship, it would be a very simple genuinely not genuine relationship.  Two people's bond (albeit friendship or significant other) is tested by the hardships.  And I don't mean picking out living room furniture.  At the toughest point in your life is this person able to give you the love and support you most desperately need or is it simply too much for them to handle?  I understand if it's too much.  It's a lot, even for me, and I can take a lot of stress.  Maybe it's better if I do this alone.  I don't know if I can handle getting fired, cancer, and losing the love of my life all at the same time.  Hey maybe my job will smooth itself out, I'll magically be cured, and get married to the love of my life.  Maybe 10 years from now this will all look so silly and trivial and I won't be able to believe how much I was stressing over it.  Maybe it'll all work out, just like you said it would.  Hey a girl can dream right?  I'm not saying I want to break up, but I'm saying it's ok if you want to go.  I understand.  I currently do not bring anything to your life but stress.  And maybe one day I will bring the love and support you crave and need.  But today, I have so little of it that its not even making me feel any better.  I love you so much, but they all leave.  And no it's not you, it's fucking me.  It's always fucking me isn't it.  *sigh* I am going to be like every successful woman I know.  A lifetime of achievements and no one to be proud of them but their children whom they have to fill the love void in their life.  Fabulous, I can't wait.  FML

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles