Growin up is hard

I envy you Peter, the boy who never grows up.  To play all day, and dream and imagine, and fly around with the freedom of the air.  Where your biggest worry in the world is fighting pirates, partying with indians and rescuing princesses.  How I wish I could stop time and live everyday like the biggest adventure of my life only to wake up the next morning to something even better.  But then I stop and think...how many times can you relive the greatest day of your life before it is just another day.  If every morning I were to wake up, fly into the sky and sword fight with Captain Hook would I get bored of it?  So often I spend my time reminiscing of the past, dwelling on those slivers of sunshine in my childhood, teenage, and college years pining for a time-turner to even relive that moment for just another moment.  But you know what I learned today.  Time stops for no man...or wo-man.  Why is it when we were kids life was so much more grand?  I mean pre-school? BEST TIME EVER! everyday was spent with your best friend, fights were resolved with "I feel ___ when you ___ I want___"  you got to eat what you want when you want (or at least 6 times a day).  we got scheduled nap time in the middle of school...like they scheduled a time for us to sleep! and learning was fun.  i learned to count with cards and toy pigs.  its also how i picked up math so fast ;)  The key to being happy as an adult is to see the happiness in your world as you did when you were a child.  So many societal/parental/communal pressures are put on us these days it's no wonder we're all un-freakin-happy.  School became about grades and percentages and kids have killed themselves over their inability to score 104% regardless of how much they've learned.  Sports became about whose winning versus whose playing.  Boys and girls were no longer friends unless there was "some ulterior motive."  I was told today by someone very special to me that I am too much drama.  I never really considered myself a fan of the dramatics but I have noticed that drama tends to follow me around.  You wanna know why?  It's cause I'm so god damn concerned about being the best adult I can be I've lost site of what used to make me happy.  You know I rarely smile now.  I mean sure I'll plaster one on but to genuinely smile is such a rare occasion for me I've almost forgotten what it feels like.  The warmth from the center of your heart that spreads through your whole body.  Smiling with your entire face, your ears, eyes, mouth, so big to the point where your cheeks hurt.  That feeling of pure and utter joy that makes you forget about world hunger and cancer and your rent.  All the problems in the universe melt away because in that moment, whatever just happened, is so emotionally bright that it lights up every corner of the dark spaces of your mind that you can't help but to not think of anything else.  Lord I miss that so much.

But you know what, having a reliable lease doesn't make me happy.  Making a shit ton of money doesn't make me happy.  Being able to pay all my bills on time and have some left over to spend and even more to save doesn't make me happy.  The thought of buying my first property doesn't make me happy.  The thought of fixing all my problems with my boyfriend DOESN'T make me happy.  Having my mother's approval doesn't make me freakin happy.  All the things that are stressing me out right now in my life aren't things I should be stressing about because even if they were perfect it wouldn't make me happy.  You know what does give me that warm fuzzy feeling?  Dancing with my friends in our pjs in our room makes me happy.  Watching gossip girl on monday night with other viewers who squeal at every "omg" moment like i do.  Cooking with my friends and reveling in our ability to make such a mess and such crappy looking food that tastes like it was made with love.  Snuggling with my boyfriend on the couch, feeling his arms around me and not needing a blanket because his warmth is enough to fill my soul.  Laying on the carpet in an amazing open space with high ceilings that makes me feel like my world goes on forever.  These things make me happy.  And it is these things i should concentrate and focus on and the only things in my life that should stress me out is when i don't have these things.  but they're so easy to get and that's the beautiful thing.  my friends are my friends because they want to make mac and cheese and watch america's got talent with me.  my boyfriend is my boyfriend because he wants to wrap his arms around me and protect me from the cold. my apartment is MY apartment because it provides a positive energy space that i would love to come home to.

and so it is the happiness i need to keep in my life and the things that wont make me happy i should not worry about...easier said than done right?

60 days

So it has been practically 2 months since I've last written and lots has changed.  I could lie and say I've been busy so I haven't been able to write...or I could lie and say I'm emotionally damaged so i couldn't write. honestly i think im depressed.  the other day i was hanging with a new friend and she said something that made me laugh so hard my sides started to hurt.  i had forgotten what it felt like to laugh, to smile, to socialize without faking it...any of it.  There was a brief moment of light in all the darkness, and every ray of metaphorical sunshine that penetrated the gray cloud that seems to follow me i  soaked up like an addict.  i tried to only think of the sun and forget about the sadness.  but there's only so long you can ignore the raindrops on your face.  In the last month I have drank myself to vomitting, broke out with shingles, pushed through a staph infection, found an apartment, started a new job, broke up with my mother, got dumped by my boyfriend...twice, turned down going out at least 4 times, and gained about 5lbs.  The rays of sun: moved to LA, got to hug my best friends, fell in love, sang karaoke, saw harry potter, had my boyfriend tell me he loves me. 

I'm sitting at my friend's place now typing this blog entry because my boyfriend does not want to see me.  He says it's because I never seem to want to take care of him.  Just typing that brings tears to my eyes.  I'm not a naturally affectionate person.  I don't really love people and when I do I don't know how to show it.  I don't hug people when they're sad, I don't say I love you out loud, I don't know how to bake or cook warm delicious food to make someone feel full and satisfied, I'm not cute or sweet or gentle or even kind.  The sun doesn't shine out of my ass.  I am abrasive, brutally honest, intolerant, aggressive and impatient (except with children).  I push people to fulfill their potential and I don't settle for anything less than what I believe they can achieve.  I give pep talks like a football coach, not a guidance counselor.  I am the master of tough love.  I am supportive in that I help people with things that they need.  If their financially unsettled I'll fill their fridge or take them to dinner.  If they need a drink I'll buy them one.  If they have a problem, I will try to fix it.  In many ways I show affection like a man, but I want to be treated like a woman.  I want flowers and romantic words.  I want someone to hold me when I'm sad, rejoice in my happiness.  I want someone sweet and kind and gentle.  someone who will treat me like i have feelings and that those feelings get hurt.  In fact I guess you can say I'm looking for a man who can love me in a way i cant love myself..or anyone else for that matter.  My current boyfriend says I don't care.  But he doesn't know how much I care.  I care so much it hurts me every moment I'm not with me.  I care so much that everytime I can't give him what he wants i feel like cutting myself.  I care so much I don't know even know what to do at this point other than cry and hope to the cosmic powers in the universe that somehow he knows just how much i love him.  I love him so much that the thought of us not living happily ever after brings tears to my eyes.  and i cry often these days. 

i imagine this life for us where we're both hopelessly in love and just spend every waking moment saying so.  i imagine us going dancing, jetsetting all over the world, discovering new places and having amazing adventures together.  i imagine us getting married and growing old together, how beautiful our kids would be and how they would be so grossed out by how much their parents love each other.  i imagine all these wonderful moments where we look into each other's eyes and just smile and the warmth that will travel through my body filling every crevice in my soul until i glow like the sun.  but thats just my imagination i feel in my heart. i know it won't happen, and i keep trying to push that thought from my mind but i just know.  i was meant to fall in love with him.  i was meant to be with him. and he was meant to break me heart. we weren't meant to be together forever.  i guess passion like that doesn't last very long no matter how much you will it to.