So it has been practically 2 months since I've last written and lots has changed. I could lie and say I've been busy so I haven't been able to write...or I could lie and say I'm emotionally damaged so i couldn't write. honestly i think im depressed. the other day i was hanging with a new friend and she said something that made me laugh so hard my sides started to hurt. i had forgotten what it felt like to laugh, to smile, to socialize without faking it...any of it. There was a brief moment of light in all the darkness, and every ray of metaphorical sunshine that penetrated the gray cloud that seems to follow me i soaked up like an addict. i tried to only think of the sun and forget about the sadness. but there's only so long you can ignore the raindrops on your face. In the last month I have drank myself to vomitting, broke out with shingles, pushed through a staph infection, found an apartment, started a new job, broke up with my mother, got dumped by my boyfriend...twice, turned down going out at least 4 times, and gained about 5lbs. The rays of sun: moved to LA, got to hug my best friends, fell in love, sang karaoke, saw harry potter, had my boyfriend tell me he loves me.
I'm sitting at my friend's place now typing this blog entry because my boyfriend does not want to see me. He says it's because I never seem to want to take care of him. Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I'm not a naturally affectionate person. I don't really love people and when I do I don't know how to show it. I don't hug people when they're sad, I don't say I love you out loud, I don't know how to bake or cook warm delicious food to make someone feel full and satisfied, I'm not cute or sweet or gentle or even kind. The sun doesn't shine out of my ass. I am abrasive, brutally honest, intolerant, aggressive and impatient (except with children). I push people to fulfill their potential and I don't settle for anything less than what I believe they can achieve. I give pep talks like a football coach, not a guidance counselor. I am the master of tough love. I am supportive in that I help people with things that they need. If their financially unsettled I'll fill their fridge or take them to dinner. If they need a drink I'll buy them one. If they have a problem, I will try to fix it. In many ways I show affection like a man, but I want to be treated like a woman. I want flowers and romantic words. I want someone to hold me when I'm sad, rejoice in my happiness. I want someone sweet and kind and gentle. someone who will treat me like i have feelings and that those feelings get hurt. In fact I guess you can say I'm looking for a man who can love me in a way i cant love myself..or anyone else for that matter. My current boyfriend says I don't care. But he doesn't know how much I care. I care so much it hurts me every moment I'm not with me. I care so much that everytime I can't give him what he wants i feel like cutting myself. I care so much I don't know even know what to do at this point other than cry and hope to the cosmic powers in the universe that somehow he knows just how much i love him. I love him so much that the thought of us not living happily ever after brings tears to my eyes. and i cry often these days.
i imagine this life for us where we're both hopelessly in love and just spend every waking moment saying so. i imagine us going dancing, jetsetting all over the world, discovering new places and having amazing adventures together. i imagine us getting married and growing old together, how beautiful our kids would be and how they would be so grossed out by how much their parents love each other. i imagine all these wonderful moments where we look into each other's eyes and just smile and the warmth that will travel through my body filling every crevice in my soul until i glow like the sun. but thats just my imagination i feel in my heart. i know it won't happen, and i keep trying to push that thought from my mind but i just know. i was meant to fall in love with him. i was meant to be with him. and he was meant to break me heart. we weren't meant to be together forever. i guess passion like that doesn't last very long no matter how much you will it to.
I'm sitting at my friend's place now typing this blog entry because my boyfriend does not want to see me. He says it's because I never seem to want to take care of him. Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I'm not a naturally affectionate person. I don't really love people and when I do I don't know how to show it. I don't hug people when they're sad, I don't say I love you out loud, I don't know how to bake or cook warm delicious food to make someone feel full and satisfied, I'm not cute or sweet or gentle or even kind. The sun doesn't shine out of my ass. I am abrasive, brutally honest, intolerant, aggressive and impatient (except with children). I push people to fulfill their potential and I don't settle for anything less than what I believe they can achieve. I give pep talks like a football coach, not a guidance counselor. I am the master of tough love. I am supportive in that I help people with things that they need. If their financially unsettled I'll fill their fridge or take them to dinner. If they need a drink I'll buy them one. If they have a problem, I will try to fix it. In many ways I show affection like a man, but I want to be treated like a woman. I want flowers and romantic words. I want someone to hold me when I'm sad, rejoice in my happiness. I want someone sweet and kind and gentle. someone who will treat me like i have feelings and that those feelings get hurt. In fact I guess you can say I'm looking for a man who can love me in a way i cant love myself..or anyone else for that matter. My current boyfriend says I don't care. But he doesn't know how much I care. I care so much it hurts me every moment I'm not with me. I care so much that everytime I can't give him what he wants i feel like cutting myself. I care so much I don't know even know what to do at this point other than cry and hope to the cosmic powers in the universe that somehow he knows just how much i love him. I love him so much that the thought of us not living happily ever after brings tears to my eyes. and i cry often these days.
i imagine this life for us where we're both hopelessly in love and just spend every waking moment saying so. i imagine us going dancing, jetsetting all over the world, discovering new places and having amazing adventures together. i imagine us getting married and growing old together, how beautiful our kids would be and how they would be so grossed out by how much their parents love each other. i imagine all these wonderful moments where we look into each other's eyes and just smile and the warmth that will travel through my body filling every crevice in my soul until i glow like the sun. but thats just my imagination i feel in my heart. i know it won't happen, and i keep trying to push that thought from my mind but i just know. i was meant to fall in love with him. i was meant to be with him. and he was meant to break me heart. we weren't meant to be together forever. i guess passion like that doesn't last very long no matter how much you will it to.
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