Growin up is hard

I envy you Peter, the boy who never grows up.  To play all day, and dream and imagine, and fly around with the freedom of the air.  Where your biggest worry in the world is fighting pirates, partying with indians and rescuing princesses.  How I wish I could stop time and live everyday like the biggest adventure of my life only to wake up the next morning to something even better.  But then I stop and think...how many times can you relive the greatest day of your life before it is just another day.  If every morning I were to wake up, fly into the sky and sword fight with Captain Hook would I get bored of it?  So often I spend my time reminiscing of the past, dwelling on those slivers of sunshine in my childhood, teenage, and college years pining for a time-turner to even relive that moment for just another moment.  But you know what I learned today.  Time stops for no man...or wo-man.  Why is it when we were kids life was so much more grand?  I mean pre-school? BEST TIME EVER! everyday was spent with your best friend, fights were resolved with "I feel ___ when you ___ I want___"  you got to eat what you want when you want (or at least 6 times a day).  we got scheduled nap time in the middle of school...like they scheduled a time for us to sleep! and learning was fun.  i learned to count with cards and toy pigs.  its also how i picked up math so fast ;)  The key to being happy as an adult is to see the happiness in your world as you did when you were a child.  So many societal/parental/communal pressures are put on us these days it's no wonder we're all un-freakin-happy.  School became about grades and percentages and kids have killed themselves over their inability to score 104% regardless of how much they've learned.  Sports became about whose winning versus whose playing.  Boys and girls were no longer friends unless there was "some ulterior motive."  I was told today by someone very special to me that I am too much drama.  I never really considered myself a fan of the dramatics but I have noticed that drama tends to follow me around.  You wanna know why?  It's cause I'm so god damn concerned about being the best adult I can be I've lost site of what used to make me happy.  You know I rarely smile now.  I mean sure I'll plaster one on but to genuinely smile is such a rare occasion for me I've almost forgotten what it feels like.  The warmth from the center of your heart that spreads through your whole body.  Smiling with your entire face, your ears, eyes, mouth, so big to the point where your cheeks hurt.  That feeling of pure and utter joy that makes you forget about world hunger and cancer and your rent.  All the problems in the universe melt away because in that moment, whatever just happened, is so emotionally bright that it lights up every corner of the dark spaces of your mind that you can't help but to not think of anything else.  Lord I miss that so much.

But you know what, having a reliable lease doesn't make me happy.  Making a shit ton of money doesn't make me happy.  Being able to pay all my bills on time and have some left over to spend and even more to save doesn't make me happy.  The thought of buying my first property doesn't make me happy.  The thought of fixing all my problems with my boyfriend DOESN'T make me happy.  Having my mother's approval doesn't make me freakin happy.  All the things that are stressing me out right now in my life aren't things I should be stressing about because even if they were perfect it wouldn't make me happy.  You know what does give me that warm fuzzy feeling?  Dancing with my friends in our pjs in our room makes me happy.  Watching gossip girl on monday night with other viewers who squeal at every "omg" moment like i do.  Cooking with my friends and reveling in our ability to make such a mess and such crappy looking food that tastes like it was made with love.  Snuggling with my boyfriend on the couch, feeling his arms around me and not needing a blanket because his warmth is enough to fill my soul.  Laying on the carpet in an amazing open space with high ceilings that makes me feel like my world goes on forever.  These things make me happy.  And it is these things i should concentrate and focus on and the only things in my life that should stress me out is when i don't have these things.  but they're so easy to get and that's the beautiful thing.  my friends are my friends because they want to make mac and cheese and watch america's got talent with me.  my boyfriend is my boyfriend because he wants to wrap his arms around me and protect me from the cold. my apartment is MY apartment because it provides a positive energy space that i would love to come home to.

and so it is the happiness i need to keep in my life and the things that wont make me happy i should not worry about...easier said than done right?