i feel so much right now im not sure exactly how to put it in words. u know what not even gonna try. anger. dissappointment. depression. deep dark never ending expanse of hopelessness. a constant uphill battle. nothing i ever do is good enough. trying to dig a hole out of prison but every scoop i take out, 2 more pour back in. hoplessness. stupid. i thought i deserved to be happy. thought i had worked hard enough, studied hard enough, built enough karma to have some part of my life go well. *sigh* big heavy deep sigh* i want a therapist. they will tell me what i already know. clearest most rational mind in the world. most confused, broken, tattered heart in the universe. too smart to be happy. too much of a soul to not be. *another sigh* what am i supposed to do? theres no stability in my life. in any aspect of my life. im all for the struggle. believe me im a fighter. ive done and accomplished many things with and without the help of amazing people. i have talked myself out of depression, suicide, giving up my major, career. but im 23 and almost everyday of each of those years i have fought. so what now. how much longer til i get what ive earned? or is this all i deserve? hhmm surprisingly was able to articulate that well. i guess all u have in life are the things ur willing to fight for. well fuck u universe, i aint done fighting yet. uve tried to get rid of me, tried to turn my mind against my heart. but fuck u i have the mental and emotional instability to be able to separae the two. i will win. and one day i will have everythin ive ever dreamed of. because damn it i will fight for it. and i always fucking win man. fuck u.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles