Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

Let me first start by saying that I love you.  I don't know who you are yet but I know for a fact that I love you.  For better or worse, for richer or poorer, for all of your highs and lows, triumphs and defeats.  I will always love you unconditionally.  I will treat you with respect and dignity and generosity.  I will always have the best intentions and will never maliciously attack or hurt you.  I promise to try my very best each and every day to make our lives as beautiful as I imagine it could be and I will never stop trying.  But here comes the hard truth....I am human.

This means sometimes I get mood swings and pouty.  Sometimes I'll get sad for no reason.  Could be I remembered some horrible memory from childhood, could be I just saw a sad puppy video.  Sometimes I'll want to talk incessantly, but sometimes (although more rarely) i'll just want to sit in my misery because it's the only way i know how to process it.  Sometimes I'll get mad at you for doing some dumb ass shit and I'll react inappropriately or immaturely.  I will regret it immediately, but the damage is already done.  Sometimes I will be hangry, or homonal, or just having a shitty day at work.  Sometimes I dont know what the fuck im doing im just trying to get through life.  I will make mistakes and have defeats and things may not turn out exactly as I wanted.  The take away here is that I'm not perfect.  I never will be no matter how hard I try and that is ok.  What makes you my future husband versus any other man on this planet is that you will love and accept me for all of my strengths and weaknesses.

I will need you to forgive my mistakes, accept my apologies, hug me when im sad, enthusiastically celebrate when i triumph.  Revel in my glory and grumble in my defeats.  I need to know that you always have my back and that you will always be there for me no matter what happens.  I need to know you love me unconditionally as I love you.  I need to know that I am good enough, that me, just me in all my misshapen glory, am good enough.

I grew up with a mother who never thought i was good enough. Most likely it's because she thought she was never good enough and that was because her mother thought she was never good enough.  The cycle continues.  I am working hard everyday to love and accept myself.  To know that I am wonderful and vivacious and worth loving and having.  I am learning at a slow and steady pace to unconditionally love myself.  To forgive my weakness, to love my flaws, and to accept my limitations.  I was raised to be the best version of myself, which in my mother's eyes is practically perfect in every way.  However, I am not.  I never will be.  That is ok.  But as I am here learning to love and accept myself for who I am, I need a man who will also love and accept me rather than undermine my progress by feeding doubt into my mind.

 For example, I fucked up today.  I over reacted to something that you said that was mean. Sure what you said was mean and uncalled for, but what I said was equally uncalled for and arguably more mean. I wanted to hurt you because you had hurt me and in that moment I just went with my gut and not my brain and I regretted it immediately.  I called you to apologize and you ignored my call.  When you ignore someone you are essentially telling them that they do not deserve the opportunity to fix what they have broken.  They are so unworthy or your time and energy that you cannot even bring yourself to passively listen to their sad, pathetic attempt to right the wrong they have done.  So when you send that call to voicemail thinking, I don't want to talk to her right now, what you're really saying is YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO ME.  Just because you have nothing to say does not mean I have nothing to say. You could just passively listen.  My future husband cannot have this reaction.  I wouldn't.  I always give people the chance to apologize.  I know how hard it is to say you're wrong and how much it hurts when the other party says, I don't care that you're trying to make this better it WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH so stop fucking trying.  I got this from my mom everyday of my life for everything I have ever tried to do. It hurts, it conditions you to hate yourself and to think you only have one shot to do everything and if you fuck it up there is no going back you are just a fucking loser.  That is a lot of pressure to put on yourself.  I am already battling this shit on my own I do not need you to put even more pressure on me to be perfect.

In conclusion, my future darling,  I love you.  More importantly, I forgive you.  Even if you don't forgive me, I still forgive you.  Because I can't carry around this burden that I am just not good enough.  I cannot carry this pressure that no matter what I do you will only love me under the specific circumstances that you would like to love me under.  How am I supposed to fit that mold?  How is anyone supposed to fit that mold?  It's simply not fair or feasible and I would never do that to you, so I expect you not to do that to me.  I am not perfect.  I am human.  I am angry and frustrated that you are mad at me for being me.

I AM FUCKING FABULOUS AND IF YOU DON'T SEE THAT THEN YOU DON'T DESERVE MY LOVE....WHICH IS FREAKING LOVELY!

Sincerely,
Victoria Niles

its late and im up

its 11pm and i am nowhere close to falling asleep. its been like this for about a few weeks now. the uncertainty and instability of our relationship is negatively affecting my life.  my coworker asked me today what was wrong with me. i said i was tired, and she said "yea it looks like you could use some rest."  i think she thinks i look physically tired but i am more mentally and emotionally drained than anything physical.  you see i am in love with you.  i am in love with you and you claim to love me too but your actions dont match your words.  you kicked me out of your house after you promised you wouldnt, you told me we were just friends and then you fucked me, you told me you wanted to give us one more chance and then you unfairly judged me when i was still trying to get my shit together, you say you dont want a relationship then you accidentally call me your girlfriend, you say that we're dating but only casually, you tell me that you cant and wont give me 100% even though  i deserve it, you say the ball is in my court but i always feel like its in yours.  these are not things you do to someone you love.  and maybe im focusing only on the negatives, but at this point the negatives so far out weigh the positives that i dont even recognize them anymore.  i want to feel free to love you, not guilty.  i want to miss you and call you and be with you without wondering whether or not you feel the same way or if youre just talking to me because you feel obligated and you dont actually give a shit about what i have to say.  i want to stop crying every single fucking night and almost everyday because i love you so much it physically pains me to think you dont feel the same way and the only way for me to release that pain is with tears.  im so tired, so very tired of trying to convince you im worth fighting for.  you say im the best, you say i deserve love and devotion and 100%.  you say that its not fair for you to string me along while you decide whether or not you want to be with me.  yet here we are, sleeping together, dating, stringing me along.  you said you want to "See where it goes."  ive known you for 9 months and lived with you for 3.  i know things about you that you probably dont even know.  uve seen me at my worst and at my normal but u have never experienced me at my best.  u dont know what that looks like, but trust me its worth the wait.  we are so past the point of "Seeing where it goes."  if you want to take it slow, fine.  if you want to just flirt and date like we used to, fine.  but at this point in time you should know me well enough to know if you want to be with me or not.  casual dating and fucking around is reserved for people who dont know what they want. i am at a point where i want a man who knows what he wants, and i want that to be me.  i want him to say, this is the girl id like to be with. i can see our lives together and she is the best thing since sliced bread.  now how are we going to work on this so that we can both get there, to the point where we are fully committed, devoted, in love and happy with each other.  what can i do to help make that happen.  a real man would be able to say those things, to be able to admit them to himself.  the kind of man i want to be with will be able to say those things to me.  how could you not know if you want to be with me.  for fuck's sake we lived together, you really still debating whether or not you wanna fuck some other chick?  dude, go, fuck her, have fun, endlessly searching for side chick after side chick hoping she'll fulfill that empty hole ive left behind. she never will.  because a casual chick that you're just sort of seeing where things go with is not going to pick up your calls in the middle of the night. she is not going to make you dinner when youve had a long day. she is not going to help you navigate your job or your investments or your parents.  she is not going to "be the one who got away" or mother your fucking children.  she is never going to be good enough because she will never try.  and she will never try because you arent putting in the motherfucking effort.  it hurts you know, it hurts me everyday to think that ive put my heart and soul into this relationship and you cant even put in enough effort to make a god damned decision.  its one thing if ur like i just dont feel it and i dont love u.  its another thing to say oh, i know youve been trying but i just still dont know, can you keep trying while i make up my mind eventually or never?  fuck it, i dont care what you call it. boyfriends, girlfriend, serious relationship, casual relationship, 100%.  i deserve and want someone who is fully committed to trying to make it work with me.  because that is what love is, the choice to work on something beautiful with someone that YOU CHOSE.  people say we dont choose who we love, but we do.  we dont choose who we lust after, but to love someone deeply and truly and commit to them, those are all choices.  choices that i have made and choices that you are delaying.  call it what you will, i thought putting a title on us would mean that you made your choice but it didnt.  you felt forced, you did it anyways because you're a coward, and thought it would buy you more time to choose.  well i dont care about titles anymore.  i care about actions.  you want me, come get me bitch. im out *mic drop*

break ups

i didn't cry as much this time as i normally do.  i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing.  i dont know if maybe i saw it coming or maybe im so depressed with everything else that's happening in my life that this is just one more turd to the shit pile.  i dont know if maybe im just getting better at being dumped.  i have a routine.  i call off sick the next day and watch nothing but romantic comedies as i eat butter pecan ice cream and order in chinese take out.  usually involves drinking a couple bottles of wine my best red-headed friend and talking about how stupid my ex is and how he'll be so sorry he left me.  is that sad?  that ive been dumped so many times that it has become routine.  am i destined to fail at every relationship ill ever have just like my mother?  she is so insufferable her own children hate her.  the true definition of dying alone.  no friends, no family, no lovers, just empty never ending infinite darkness and nothingess.  she even told me to not be surprised if my best friend betrayed me in the future.  that i should expect and plan for it to happen.  i mean is that my fate?  to be so cynical that mistrust and disloyalty become not only routine but expected?

ill hand it to this last one though, at least he didn't dump me between thanksgiving and my birthday again.  worst time of the year for me, too many bad break ups.  i want to cry.  i want to eat ice cream.  but i cant.  mom's still here and so are the painters and the delivery people and the installers and contractors.  there's still work to do and things to finish and none of that will get done while im crying.  u know whats worse?  is that it is so obvious that i am crying and my mom just gives no shits. not even a rhetorical "are you ok?"  just the "i called you but you didnt pick up there are decisions you need to make about the door why haven't you made them oh my god you are so dramatic im so glad im leaving tomorrow"  me too mom, in fact i wish you'd leave today but then i have no one to be home for the range installer. almost makes me want to live without a stove. i would have my boyfriend to help but i dont have that anymore.

i did see this coming, we have been fighting a lot, and just recently agreed to take some space which i have now learned = death of relationship. he says ive changed.  he says his friends say ive changed.  what do they know about me.  did they even try to get to know me.  of course ive changed.  i just undertook the biggest project of my life outside of college.  its a miracle no one died. but yes, lets see if they stay the same when they get challenged with something.  who knows, maybe i would revert back to my normal self after this is all over. i guess they'll never find out because they never gave me a chance. i want to do laundry i want to go to the grocery store i want to get back to my normal life.  but i cant.

is it bad to drink wine and cough syrup? cause im also sick and i pulled an intercostal muscle so dealing with that sharp agonizing pain.  do i move on?  do i move forward? do i tell myself that im going to work on myself and finish up my projects and then go on vacation and be alone for a while?  he's leaving the country you know.  why do all my ex's leave countries?  for an indefinite amount of time too.  like they date me, realize how immature they are, then leave the country to find themselves...none have returned so far.  all having too much fun being all over the world fucking all random girls and drinking all night. he's taking a sabatical.  i want one.  but my job has a policy about unpaid vacation time. we don't get any.  so i have to finish all my projects, (remodel, timeshare rental) then save up enough money and vacation time to leave again. he says he still loves me.  but he cant keep stringing me along while he figures his shit out.  makes sense, i have learned in the 28 years being here that love is not what makes the relationship last.  (to be frank, im not sure what does)  3 times ive been dumped in this apartment. now that the remodel is finished, being dumped will be one of my first memories.  this remodel has cost me my sanity, my money, my time, and my relationship.  but hey, at least i have my home to keep me warm at night.

He Can't Hear Me

I'm in love with a man who can't hear me.  Maybe it's on purpose, maybe it's through no fault of his own.  Whatever the reason, he can't hear me.  Can't hear me when I'm happy or sad or crying or mad.  He can't hear my life shattering into a billion pieces.  He can't hear the sound of me gasping for air and splashing about as I slowly drown in my own ambitions.  He can't hear me when I'm calling for help, when I need a hug, when I need a friend.  He can't hear me.

I suppose I shouldn't complain.  There are millions, no billions, of people in this world who have it way worse than me.  No running water, no clean food, genocide, oppression, slavery. I should feel #blessed to be in America, the land of the over indulged and entitled  millennials.  I should be thankful that I have a boyfriend who loves me at all, regardless of how inappropriate he is with other women.  I should be grateful that I even have a roof over my head...had a roof over my head.  I should be hopeful that even in my darkest hour I still had food to put on my plate most days and I never got anything worse than shingles and a couple tumors.  I guess it's the idea of I should be happy that my life isn't as bad as some people's.  The truth is, I think all those things are bad.  Yes, some of them are worse than others.  But should we really be happy with our lives just because it's not as shitty as it possibly could be?  Should someone be happy to have a mother that beats them because at least they're not orphaned and living on the street?

I have been homeless now for 9 weeks.  Tomorrow starts week 10.  I have in fact been crashing in my boyfriend's room for over 2 months, with everyday the space getting smaller and smaller and smaller.  I can feel the air being sucked out of my lungs and the light being drained from my soul.  There are many reasons for this.  Or should I say, theories.  1. we moved in together too soon.  2. we are both stressed out with unrelated issues.  3. we have communication problems.  4. we're from very different cultures.  5. he's just bad at relationships and so am i.  6. these are all fucking excuses and the real reason this relationship isn't working is because it isn't working.

Pause.  Am I really doing this right now.  Am I really letting the love of my life go.  Is he even the love of my life or was I so desperate to date someone who wasn't a total loser I picked the first winner I could find even though he may not even be in the same race as me.  Will this all hit me in a month that I really love the guy and that I just ruined my own life because of "irreparable differences."  The truth is I don't know what to do.  My mother always told me not to make big decisions when you're emotional.  Well I'm fucking emotional every god damned day of the week.  So how long do I keep putting off these major decisions?

I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't move.  Everyday I wake up and go through the motions and everyday I pray that nothing more horrible will happen the next day.  Inevitably I wake up the next day and more shit hits the fan so I don't know why I keep praying, it is obviously not working.  I am grateful I get to shit in a toilet, and that I no longer get beaten everyday.  I am grateful that if one day these heart palpitations actually cause harm there is accessible healthcare not too far away.  I am grateful that I have a man that can't hear me, because at least I have one at all....right?

I need to sit down

Hello Interwebs, it has been a while hasn't it.  I just read over some of my old blog posts and I realized that most of them are about boys and sadness.  I guess I use this place as an outlet to get my feelings off my chest when I feel like no one is listening.  Today isn't necessarily about a boy though, it's about many things.  I kind of feel like I'm losing my self worth and identity.  This year I decided to remodel my condo.  I have been wanting to do this for some time and I have finally pulled the trigger.  I started pinteresting like crazy in January, started interviewing contractors in March, broke ground in June, and here we are in August. It's been a long arduous journey and somewhere along the way I lost it.  I lost what make me, me.  I used to see myself as strong, independent, talented, creative, loving, generous, ambitious, beautiful.  Things that used to define me like my awesome roof that I put over my own head, my stellar work performance, my smoothness with the boys, all of it just gone.  I feel right now like I'm operating at about 50%.  So I wouldn't say that's clinical depression level but I'm definitely not optimal. I was dieting last year but quickly gave up on that as the remodel took over every nook and cranny of my brain.  I'm sad to report I'm a soft 135 lbs, which is sad considering my boyfriends is 150lbs.  Realistically when I'm actually working out and in shape and eating right I sit around 120 to 125lbs.  I'm now a size 6, so that's a bust.  Goodbye are the days of the 2's and 4's and 0's are just a dream.  I got in trouble today at work for being late.  I actually was on time but had to stand in the hallway on the phone because my contractor just told me that he won't have my custom door built by next Friday when he has to leave for another job.  So we're gonna put in some other door which is not what I want and then he'll fix me a door when he gets back in 2 months.  I've had nothing but issues for the last few weeks.  Everyday it's the sink, the floor, the HOA, the turtles, the boyfriend, the job, the everything.  For fuck's sake the only thing that's held together these last few months has been my car, Gavin *knocks on wood*.  Honestly, I don't know what to do.  When people ask me what's wrong, my response is just "everything."  Then they ask what they can do to help, and I say "nothing really, I can't even help it myself." 

Sometimes you just get problems in life that you can do nothing about.  You tackle each one day by day and as the problems grow and the trouble arises and all your plans fall to ashes you start to lose belief in yourself.  You start to lose that sparkle, your edge, that drive to achieve this amazing goal you have set for yourself.  It is at these points that people turn to friends or family for support and encouragement.  We all know my mother is not one for this.  She could give negative fucks about encouragement.  She is about making sure you know every single mistake you made ever in your entire life and why you are such a loser for making said mistakes because nobody makes mistakes, just you.  So I haven't really been talking to her much for lack of will to be yelled at.  My best friends right now are buys with their own shit.  One just went through a serious break up and the other just went through a serious career altering epic plunge and is desperately trying to get her life back together.  I don't want to burden them with my problems because they have enough shit to deal with.  My boyfriend is trying to be supportive, I think, but he's not super good at it.  He also is hypercritical and enjoys pointing out my flaws.  Like fuck, I get it, I fucked up, can we not dwell on that at the moment? Like fucking let me fix this and when it is fixed then we think about what happened and how we can do it better next time.  So I do feel utterly alone and helpless most days.  I have to remind myself that I am strong and that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to, but realistically these are just words.  "Fake it til you make it." 

I'm running out of steam and stamina.  8 months now I've been thinking of this remodel.  8 months of should I go with the bay waves grey or the Saturday mist grey.  8 months of if I move this wall here and put this over there will I burst a pipeline or a drain.  8 months of why is my turtle tank always dirty no matter what I do.  8 months of can I really afford a $3600 AC system and does it matter if it's affordable if it is necessary.  8 months of living at Lowe's and Home Depot.  8 months of kitchen design and bathroom design and what fucking tiles do I want as a backsplash.  8 months of how high should the wainscoting be and what about the decorative ribbon and the bullnose and the edging and the countertop and the drawer handles and the vanity that won't fit and the tub without the curved door.  8 months of how is this fucking closet going to work and why aren't these the doors I ordered.  I'm tired, so tired, and I feel like no one understands.  People get tired with a couple decisions.  I deal with decisions all day at work, life dependent decision.  Then I go to Lowe's and deal with more decisions.  Then I come home and have to come up with dinner and plans and even more fucking decisions.  My brain cannot make anymore decisions.  I am done.  I am sorry love of my life, but I am done.  My work decisions are important to keep my job.  My remodel decisions are important to make sure my home is livable again.  I can't make any more decisions about our relationship.  I feel bad, but it needs to be done.  I need you to take the driver's seat.  I need you to be captain of the team because your co-captain is motherfucking out on sick leave.  I am no longer fit for duty.  I know you're dealing with a lot at work and your property and you have just as many decisions to make.  I hope for the both of us that you are stronger than me and bigger than me because I can't be at the helm anymore.  I need to go sit down.