i didn't cry as much this time as i normally do. i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. i dont know if maybe i saw it coming or maybe im so depressed with everything else that's happening in my life that this is just one more turd to the shit pile. i dont know if maybe im just getting better at being dumped. i have a routine. i call off sick the next day and watch nothing but romantic comedies as i eat butter pecan ice cream and order in chinese take out. usually involves drinking a couple bottles of wine my best red-headed friend and talking about how stupid my ex is and how he'll be so sorry he left me. is that sad? that ive been dumped so many times that it has become routine. am i destined to fail at every relationship ill ever have just like my mother? she is so insufferable her own children hate her. the true definition of dying alone. no friends, no family, no lovers, just empty never ending infinite darkness and nothingess. she even told me to not be surprised if my best friend betrayed me in the future. that i should expect and plan for it to happen. i mean is that my fate? to be so cynical that mistrust and disloyalty become not only routine but expected?
ill hand it to this last one though, at least he didn't dump me between thanksgiving and my birthday again. worst time of the year for me, too many bad break ups. i want to cry. i want to eat ice cream. but i cant. mom's still here and so are the painters and the delivery people and the installers and contractors. there's still work to do and things to finish and none of that will get done while im crying. u know whats worse? is that it is so obvious that i am crying and my mom just gives no shits. not even a rhetorical "are you ok?" just the "i called you but you didnt pick up there are decisions you need to make about the door why haven't you made them oh my god you are so dramatic im so glad im leaving tomorrow" me too mom, in fact i wish you'd leave today but then i have no one to be home for the range installer. almost makes me want to live without a stove. i would have my boyfriend to help but i dont have that anymore.
i did see this coming, we have been fighting a lot, and just recently agreed to take some space which i have now learned = death of relationship. he says ive changed. he says his friends say ive changed. what do they know about me. did they even try to get to know me. of course ive changed. i just undertook the biggest project of my life outside of college. its a miracle no one died. but yes, lets see if they stay the same when they get challenged with something. who knows, maybe i would revert back to my normal self after this is all over. i guess they'll never find out because they never gave me a chance. i want to do laundry i want to go to the grocery store i want to get back to my normal life. but i cant.
is it bad to drink wine and cough syrup? cause im also sick and i pulled an intercostal muscle so dealing with that sharp agonizing pain. do i move on? do i move forward? do i tell myself that im going to work on myself and finish up my projects and then go on vacation and be alone for a while? he's leaving the country you know. why do all my ex's leave countries? for an indefinite amount of time too. like they date me, realize how immature they are, then leave the country to find themselves...none have returned so far. all having too much fun being all over the world fucking all random girls and drinking all night. he's taking a sabatical. i want one. but my job has a policy about unpaid vacation time. we don't get any. so i have to finish all my projects, (remodel, timeshare rental) then save up enough money and vacation time to leave again. he says he still loves me. but he cant keep stringing me along while he figures his shit out. makes sense, i have learned in the 28 years being here that love is not what makes the relationship last. (to be frank, im not sure what does) 3 times ive been dumped in this apartment. now that the remodel is finished, being dumped will be one of my first memories. this remodel has cost me my sanity, my money, my time, and my relationship. but hey, at least i have my home to keep me warm at night.
ill hand it to this last one though, at least he didn't dump me between thanksgiving and my birthday again. worst time of the year for me, too many bad break ups. i want to cry. i want to eat ice cream. but i cant. mom's still here and so are the painters and the delivery people and the installers and contractors. there's still work to do and things to finish and none of that will get done while im crying. u know whats worse? is that it is so obvious that i am crying and my mom just gives no shits. not even a rhetorical "are you ok?" just the "i called you but you didnt pick up there are decisions you need to make about the door why haven't you made them oh my god you are so dramatic im so glad im leaving tomorrow" me too mom, in fact i wish you'd leave today but then i have no one to be home for the range installer. almost makes me want to live without a stove. i would have my boyfriend to help but i dont have that anymore.
i did see this coming, we have been fighting a lot, and just recently agreed to take some space which i have now learned = death of relationship. he says ive changed. he says his friends say ive changed. what do they know about me. did they even try to get to know me. of course ive changed. i just undertook the biggest project of my life outside of college. its a miracle no one died. but yes, lets see if they stay the same when they get challenged with something. who knows, maybe i would revert back to my normal self after this is all over. i guess they'll never find out because they never gave me a chance. i want to do laundry i want to go to the grocery store i want to get back to my normal life. but i cant.
is it bad to drink wine and cough syrup? cause im also sick and i pulled an intercostal muscle so dealing with that sharp agonizing pain. do i move on? do i move forward? do i tell myself that im going to work on myself and finish up my projects and then go on vacation and be alone for a while? he's leaving the country you know. why do all my ex's leave countries? for an indefinite amount of time too. like they date me, realize how immature they are, then leave the country to find themselves...none have returned so far. all having too much fun being all over the world fucking all random girls and drinking all night. he's taking a sabatical. i want one. but my job has a policy about unpaid vacation time. we don't get any. so i have to finish all my projects, (remodel, timeshare rental) then save up enough money and vacation time to leave again. he says he still loves me. but he cant keep stringing me along while he figures his shit out. makes sense, i have learned in the 28 years being here that love is not what makes the relationship last. (to be frank, im not sure what does) 3 times ive been dumped in this apartment. now that the remodel is finished, being dumped will be one of my first memories. this remodel has cost me my sanity, my money, my time, and my relationship. but hey, at least i have my home to keep me warm at night.
No comments:
Post a Comment