to love and not be loved

i asked my boyfriend if he loves me. he said it was complicated. i asked him if he loves me. he said no. id say its amazing how u think u know someone but then they do something incredulous. its not amazing. in fact i would even venture to say its quite the opposite of amazing.  its god damn terrible.  i just spent the last 3 months falling head over heels in love with a guy only to find i have actually landed flat on my face. every touch, every smile, every word just sent shivers down my spine.  beginning to feel again, beginning to breathe again, beginning to believe again.  believe in the idea that maybe true love really exists, that maybe there is someone out there that i can have a connection with on a much deeper than physical level.  i was beginning to think that maybe i can love a man rather than tolerate him.  but thats just it. he tolerates me. no, wait..he says he looks for in a girlfriend a girl he can tolerate for long periods of time who isnt a total psycho.  fabulous, so im not a serial killer and im interesting enough to not be discarded.  in fact it was proclaimed that at the time we started dating he was actively searching for a girlfriend because he was lonely and wanted one.  great so im like a dog. i keep him company, i dont really bother him too much when im around, and we play sometimes.  you know i will go ahead and say it, this man gave me my very first O moment. no joke. in fact i would have to say the best sex of my life was after one of our talks.  i cant remember what we talked about exactly (i think it was how i thought i was more invested in the relationship than him and he told me how much he cared about me and how he wanted things to work).  me being young and addicted to disney fell for it right then and there.  i was a goner.  got swept up in the sweet words and the beautiful intertwining of two people in love.  or one person in love and the other person in tolerance.  i felt it.  i felt such a connection on a totally unfathomable level and expressed that through my body.  apparently he felt it too since he claimed it was the best sex he's ever had..or actually the best we've ever had. (its possible he's had better...whatever she's probably a slut).  And now, now when he smiles, when he touches me, when "make love" it isnt fucking love at all.  i feel nothing but sadness knowing that his kisses still give me goosebumps and my kisses give him...kisses. to love and not be loved.  worst feeling ever.  i dont want to be in love.  what have we been doing the last 3 months.  the trip up the coast. disneyland. wicked. countless late nights and random adventures.  talks of visiting ohio and talks of the future.  what future.  its been 3 fucking months and the guy "really cares about me."  i dont want a man who really cares about me..i have enough friends.  i want to be in love with someone who is also in love with me.  i cry.  everyday i fucking cry. i cry at work. i cry in the car. i cry in the shower.  ill just randomly well up for no reason at all other than i feel so heavy and yet empty inside.  like a bright burning fire has just been extinguished and all thats left is the smoke.  im such a bitch now.  even the littlest thing will set me off. how will he love me if im a bitch?  and yet how do i not be a bitch to my lover who doesnt love me?  another one of life's conundrums.  last year the fortune teller said id be married at 26.  i think he should change that to single for life.  i dont want to be with someone i can stand.  i want to be with someone whose love for me is the stuff of legend as i will love him too.  whatever. im over it.  no wonder my relationships dont last longer than 3 months. this is why im better at dating. no emotions, no relationship, no commitment, no pain.  i asked my boyfriend if he loves me. he said its complicated.  i asked my boyfriend if he loves me. he said no.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

ive started crying again. sitting in my car and crying. sometimes i wish i could get away from my own life. take up spear fishing and live in a hut in bora bora. my mom claims ive been under this much pressure before. i think i mustve been superwoman. i called my coworker out today saying that im tired of picking up his slack and doing everyones job. he told my other coworker he wanted to report it to my boss. what a doucher. i feel like my limbs have been tied to 4 horses pulling in opposing directions and im one bee sting away from being in pieces. i guess im just bitching and should woman up. im sure the insomnia will kick in soon. ive cried everyday this week. a couple times at work today i started to tear up and had to consciously focus on my breath to not start balling. i just want someone to wrap their arms around me and say "its ok, we'll get through this. ur amazing and awesome and u can do everything." too much to ask? thought so. ive been told i give the best pep talks. sucks that i also have to give myself one. and people ask why i feel like i hafta do everything. ill tell u why, its because when u say 'if i dont do i im sure someone else will." im the one fixing it.

my mirror

u know we see the world as past mistakes.  each one like a little spot or blemish or stain on our otherwise pristine record. just spent a couple hours today cleaning an apartment. every spot lifted, every fingerprint wiped away, ever dirty dish disappeared.  its almost as if i wasnt even there.  how easy it is to spray some windex on a surface and paper towel away all the mistakes, all the flaws.  there are many things i wish to clean off my record but i cant.  our lives only move in one direction..towards the end.  sure things can mend, heal, or even seem to dissolve all together but a single trigger can bring back floods of emotions and memories once thought long lost.

the other day i picked up a little lion figurine.  it was from my ex.  i found it while searching for contact lenses (which i did not find by the way..bugger).  i looked at this little lion and i felt absolutely nothing.  no anger, no remorse, no regret.  no love, no "what if", no nothing.  it was kind of disappointing.  i thought i would at least be angry seeing as every time i speak his name it still leaves a terrible taste in my mouth.  but no, and so, very anticlimactically, i threw it away.  just like that, just fucking threw it away.  u know my boyfriend keeps things from his past relationships or flings or what not.  i know lots of people that do.  in fact i think i still have the note my very first boyfriend wrote to ask me out on a date when i was 16.  still have the note and cd a good friend of me gave me telling me he loved me when we graduated high school.  i still have random cds from people i used to like or used to like me and everytime the song shows up on my playlist i smile.  never say anything or tell anyone im with that "this is the song that so and so gave me".  i simply smile.  brings me back to a younger time, a more innocent time, a time for love and romance and burned cds and dedicating songs.

like spots on a mirror we cant windex away.  memories, mistakes, opportunities lost, taken.  part of me really would like to just delete it all. start fresh, start new.  but every blunder, every turn, every action and choice ive made has made me who i am today.  so when i look in the mirror i dont see just a reflection of what i look like in that moment, but i see all the spots and scratches and blemishes ive made reflecting back at me.  and i smile.  one day i may throw away all those things and delete all those songs and wipe my mirror clean.  maybe one day ill stop crying about things my mother has told me or things my father didnt do.  maybe one day ill forgive those who have hurt me because ill recognize that they didnt know any better. maybe one day i can start with a clean slate.  maybe thats what love is.  someone coming up to u and saying "here let me clean that for u" and windexes the shit of ur mirror.  maybe he'll say "there, now thats the girl i want to remember because from here forward we will be adding our mistakes and water marks to the mirror.  but it will be our mirror, so we'll share the same spots."

maybe ill never be able to let it go and ill forever be cautious and careful.  what a horrible life that would be. to not ever be able to fully trust someone "just in case" they fuck u over in the end.  but hey, im only human.  if i trust someone with my life why not also my livelihood?  *sigh* i dunno im kind of going through a funk today.  i start work at the new hospitals tomorrow.  we'll see how that goes. i was just thinking where i might on my next birthday..i have a feeling itll be a LONG ASS way from today.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

the world is supposed to end this year right?

Welcome to 2012! Somehow i find myself still alive and celebrating another new year.  honestly im not sure how i do it.  one day at a time? one month at a time? one breath at a time?  i feel over the last few months i have grown as a person, as a woman. finding that delicate balance between work, play, girls, man.  not gonna lie sometimes i like to go back and read earlier blog posts.  i dont know whether im admiring my writing or if i just like to see the pain i went through.  kinda like itching a scar.  u know its healed but sometimes it still irritates u.  i guess all it takes to turn ur life around is a big smile and a carelessness that allows u to throw urself into the world with abandon and naivity.  everything that makes me happy right now i have come by on a total whim.  asking for a job without expecting there to even be one available, kicking my roommate/best friend out and finding a new one within 5 hours, going on a date and waiting 45 minutes simply because i wanted to see the damn Tim Burton exhibit (kindest regards go to my fascination of dark claymation movies).  hell even my mom is talking to me right now!  *sigh* i guess my writing is not nearly as good when im happy. its all light and fluffy and giggly and much less dark and ominous and beautiful. 

i just finished watching a movie about love.  not mushy love between two lovers but the love that forms a connection between friends, sisters, struggle, survival, death.  in ancient china women married for reasons beyond their control.  to men who didnt care about them, their feelings, their well being.  forced since childhood to the restrictions and limits set to them by society, these women seeked refuge within each other against a common enemy..the world.  and in many ways i think we all pine for that partner in crime who we know against all odds will always be on our side.  but its not all rainbows and sunshine.  the film captured the sadness and hopelessness of love.  the loyalty, the betrayal, the sacrifice.  i may have found someone who im almost certainly falling for (as us scorpios do) whom i may or may not love.  difficult to say really, the true test of love is in the pitfalls.  when the going gets tough, the loveless run away.  i would say that i can no longer handle another heartbreak.  that after stanford boy i thought i would never truly love again.  and the truth is, that there were only 2 other people ive ever said "i love u" to after him..surprisingly (or not) both situations were in utter tragedy.  But come to think of it I dont think I was actually in love.  I felt the pain and the suffering and the unquenchable thirst of wanting to be wanted and equated that to love. both boys did not truly love me back and actually both are total losers (not just by my own but by societal standards).  prbly why i was able to get over it so quickly.  conclusion: ladies if after dumping ur man u feel like a ginormously huge weight has been lifted off ur shoulders and u are now free to be happy...it was not love. u are as i was in love with the idea of being in love.  do not confuse this with actual emotion.  i feel like when i do love again (which im sensing will be soon..fml) it will creep up behind me and smack me in the back of head and BAM everything is sunshine and rainbows!  as i described once before many many years ago when i was a young impressionable teenager; being in love is like being in a permanent state of euphoria without the need for drugs and/or other supplements.  rarely will things bother u and when they do the love will be so great that it will be easy to let those things go.  im sure thats how the old people do it.  being pissed off about something their significant other did then remembering all the wonderful things they did followed by forgetting all the trivial matters that seem to cloud our daily judgement.

Goodnight cyberspace..i think im off to bed. im hoping the posts will be much happier from now on but ill throw in a sob story every now and then, just to keep my writing sharp ;)

PS: promise new year's resolutions reflection and proposition will be posted shortly

Live ur Life
Victoria Niles