u know we see the world as past mistakes. each one like a little spot or blemish or stain on our otherwise pristine record. just spent a couple hours today cleaning an apartment. every spot lifted, every fingerprint wiped away, ever dirty dish disappeared. its almost as if i wasnt even there. how easy it is to spray some windex on a surface and paper towel away all the mistakes, all the flaws. there are many things i wish to clean off my record but i cant. our lives only move in one direction..towards the end. sure things can mend, heal, or even seem to dissolve all together but a single trigger can bring back floods of emotions and memories once thought long lost.
the other day i picked up a little lion figurine. it was from my ex. i found it while searching for contact lenses (which i did not find by the way..bugger). i looked at this little lion and i felt absolutely nothing. no anger, no remorse, no regret. no love, no "what if", no nothing. it was kind of disappointing. i thought i would at least be angry seeing as every time i speak his name it still leaves a terrible taste in my mouth. but no, and so, very anticlimactically, i threw it away. just like that, just fucking threw it away. u know my boyfriend keeps things from his past relationships or flings or what not. i know lots of people that do. in fact i think i still have the note my very first boyfriend wrote to ask me out on a date when i was 16. still have the note and cd a good friend of me gave me telling me he loved me when we graduated high school. i still have random cds from people i used to like or used to like me and everytime the song shows up on my playlist i smile. never say anything or tell anyone im with that "this is the song that so and so gave me". i simply smile. brings me back to a younger time, a more innocent time, a time for love and romance and burned cds and dedicating songs.
like spots on a mirror we cant windex away. memories, mistakes, opportunities lost, taken. part of me really would like to just delete it all. start fresh, start new. but every blunder, every turn, every action and choice ive made has made me who i am today. so when i look in the mirror i dont see just a reflection of what i look like in that moment, but i see all the spots and scratches and blemishes ive made reflecting back at me. and i smile. one day i may throw away all those things and delete all those songs and wipe my mirror clean. maybe one day ill stop crying about things my mother has told me or things my father didnt do. maybe one day ill forgive those who have hurt me because ill recognize that they didnt know any better. maybe one day i can start with a clean slate. maybe thats what love is. someone coming up to u and saying "here let me clean that for u" and windexes the shit of ur mirror. maybe he'll say "there, now thats the girl i want to remember because from here forward we will be adding our mistakes and water marks to the mirror. but it will be our mirror, so we'll share the same spots."
maybe ill never be able to let it go and ill forever be cautious and careful. what a horrible life that would be. to not ever be able to fully trust someone "just in case" they fuck u over in the end. but hey, im only human. if i trust someone with my life why not also my livelihood? *sigh* i dunno im kind of going through a funk today. i start work at the new hospitals tomorrow. we'll see how that goes. i was just thinking where i might on my next birthday..i have a feeling itll be a LONG ASS way from today.
Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles
the other day i picked up a little lion figurine. it was from my ex. i found it while searching for contact lenses (which i did not find by the way..bugger). i looked at this little lion and i felt absolutely nothing. no anger, no remorse, no regret. no love, no "what if", no nothing. it was kind of disappointing. i thought i would at least be angry seeing as every time i speak his name it still leaves a terrible taste in my mouth. but no, and so, very anticlimactically, i threw it away. just like that, just fucking threw it away. u know my boyfriend keeps things from his past relationships or flings or what not. i know lots of people that do. in fact i think i still have the note my very first boyfriend wrote to ask me out on a date when i was 16. still have the note and cd a good friend of me gave me telling me he loved me when we graduated high school. i still have random cds from people i used to like or used to like me and everytime the song shows up on my playlist i smile. never say anything or tell anyone im with that "this is the song that so and so gave me". i simply smile. brings me back to a younger time, a more innocent time, a time for love and romance and burned cds and dedicating songs.
like spots on a mirror we cant windex away. memories, mistakes, opportunities lost, taken. part of me really would like to just delete it all. start fresh, start new. but every blunder, every turn, every action and choice ive made has made me who i am today. so when i look in the mirror i dont see just a reflection of what i look like in that moment, but i see all the spots and scratches and blemishes ive made reflecting back at me. and i smile. one day i may throw away all those things and delete all those songs and wipe my mirror clean. maybe one day ill stop crying about things my mother has told me or things my father didnt do. maybe one day ill forgive those who have hurt me because ill recognize that they didnt know any better. maybe one day i can start with a clean slate. maybe thats what love is. someone coming up to u and saying "here let me clean that for u" and windexes the shit of ur mirror. maybe he'll say "there, now thats the girl i want to remember because from here forward we will be adding our mistakes and water marks to the mirror. but it will be our mirror, so we'll share the same spots."
maybe ill never be able to let it go and ill forever be cautious and careful. what a horrible life that would be. to not ever be able to fully trust someone "just in case" they fuck u over in the end. but hey, im only human. if i trust someone with my life why not also my livelihood? *sigh* i dunno im kind of going through a funk today. i start work at the new hospitals tomorrow. we'll see how that goes. i was just thinking where i might on my next birthday..i have a feeling itll be a LONG ASS way from today.
Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles
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