Welcome to 2012! Somehow i find myself still alive and celebrating another new year. honestly im not sure how i do it. one day at a time? one month at a time? one breath at a time? i feel over the last few months i have grown as a person, as a woman. finding that delicate balance between work, play, girls, man. not gonna lie sometimes i like to go back and read earlier blog posts. i dont know whether im admiring my writing or if i just like to see the pain i went through. kinda like itching a scar. u know its healed but sometimes it still irritates u. i guess all it takes to turn ur life around is a big smile and a carelessness that allows u to throw urself into the world with abandon and naivity. everything that makes me happy right now i have come by on a total whim. asking for a job without expecting there to even be one available, kicking my roommate/best friend out and finding a new one within 5 hours, going on a date and waiting 45 minutes simply because i wanted to see the damn Tim Burton exhibit (kindest regards go to my fascination of dark claymation movies). hell even my mom is talking to me right now! *sigh* i guess my writing is not nearly as good when im happy. its all light and fluffy and giggly and much less dark and ominous and beautiful.
i just finished watching a movie about love. not mushy love between two lovers but the love that forms a connection between friends, sisters, struggle, survival, death. in ancient china women married for reasons beyond their control. to men who didnt care about them, their feelings, their well being. forced since childhood to the restrictions and limits set to them by society, these women seeked refuge within each other against a common enemy..the world. and in many ways i think we all pine for that partner in crime who we know against all odds will always be on our side. but its not all rainbows and sunshine. the film captured the sadness and hopelessness of love. the loyalty, the betrayal, the sacrifice. i may have found someone who im almost certainly falling for (as us scorpios do) whom i may or may not love. difficult to say really, the true test of love is in the pitfalls. when the going gets tough, the loveless run away. i would say that i can no longer handle another heartbreak. that after stanford boy i thought i would never truly love again. and the truth is, that there were only 2 other people ive ever said "i love u" to after him..surprisingly (or not) both situations were in utter tragedy. But come to think of it I dont think I was actually in love. I felt the pain and the suffering and the unquenchable thirst of wanting to be wanted and equated that to love. both boys did not truly love me back and actually both are total losers (not just by my own but by societal standards). prbly why i was able to get over it so quickly. conclusion: ladies if after dumping ur man u feel like a ginormously huge weight has been lifted off ur shoulders and u are now free to be happy...it was not love. u are as i was in love with the idea of being in love. do not confuse this with actual emotion. i feel like when i do love again (which im sensing will be soon..fml) it will creep up behind me and smack me in the back of head and BAM everything is sunshine and rainbows! as i described once before many many years ago when i was a young impressionable teenager; being in love is like being in a permanent state of euphoria without the need for drugs and/or other supplements. rarely will things bother u and when they do the love will be so great that it will be easy to let those things go. im sure thats how the old people do it. being pissed off about something their significant other did then remembering all the wonderful things they did followed by forgetting all the trivial matters that seem to cloud our daily judgement.
Goodnight cyberspace..i think im off to bed. im hoping the posts will be much happier from now on but ill throw in a sob story every now and then, just to keep my writing sharp ;)
PS: promise new year's resolutions reflection and proposition will be posted shortly
Live ur Life
Victoria Niles
i just finished watching a movie about love. not mushy love between two lovers but the love that forms a connection between friends, sisters, struggle, survival, death. in ancient china women married for reasons beyond their control. to men who didnt care about them, their feelings, their well being. forced since childhood to the restrictions and limits set to them by society, these women seeked refuge within each other against a common enemy..the world. and in many ways i think we all pine for that partner in crime who we know against all odds will always be on our side. but its not all rainbows and sunshine. the film captured the sadness and hopelessness of love. the loyalty, the betrayal, the sacrifice. i may have found someone who im almost certainly falling for (as us scorpios do) whom i may or may not love. difficult to say really, the true test of love is in the pitfalls. when the going gets tough, the loveless run away. i would say that i can no longer handle another heartbreak. that after stanford boy i thought i would never truly love again. and the truth is, that there were only 2 other people ive ever said "i love u" to after him..surprisingly (or not) both situations were in utter tragedy. But come to think of it I dont think I was actually in love. I felt the pain and the suffering and the unquenchable thirst of wanting to be wanted and equated that to love. both boys did not truly love me back and actually both are total losers (not just by my own but by societal standards). prbly why i was able to get over it so quickly. conclusion: ladies if after dumping ur man u feel like a ginormously huge weight has been lifted off ur shoulders and u are now free to be happy...it was not love. u are as i was in love with the idea of being in love. do not confuse this with actual emotion. i feel like when i do love again (which im sensing will be soon..fml) it will creep up behind me and smack me in the back of head and BAM everything is sunshine and rainbows! as i described once before many many years ago when i was a young impressionable teenager; being in love is like being in a permanent state of euphoria without the need for drugs and/or other supplements. rarely will things bother u and when they do the love will be so great that it will be easy to let those things go. im sure thats how the old people do it. being pissed off about something their significant other did then remembering all the wonderful things they did followed by forgetting all the trivial matters that seem to cloud our daily judgement.
Goodnight cyberspace..i think im off to bed. im hoping the posts will be much happier from now on but ill throw in a sob story every now and then, just to keep my writing sharp ;)
PS: promise new year's resolutions reflection and proposition will be posted shortly
Live ur Life
Victoria Niles
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