to love and not be loved

i asked my boyfriend if he loves me. he said it was complicated. i asked him if he loves me. he said no. id say its amazing how u think u know someone but then they do something incredulous. its not amazing. in fact i would even venture to say its quite the opposite of amazing.  its god damn terrible.  i just spent the last 3 months falling head over heels in love with a guy only to find i have actually landed flat on my face. every touch, every smile, every word just sent shivers down my spine.  beginning to feel again, beginning to breathe again, beginning to believe again.  believe in the idea that maybe true love really exists, that maybe there is someone out there that i can have a connection with on a much deeper than physical level.  i was beginning to think that maybe i can love a man rather than tolerate him.  but thats just it. he tolerates me. no, wait..he says he looks for in a girlfriend a girl he can tolerate for long periods of time who isnt a total psycho.  fabulous, so im not a serial killer and im interesting enough to not be discarded.  in fact it was proclaimed that at the time we started dating he was actively searching for a girlfriend because he was lonely and wanted one.  great so im like a dog. i keep him company, i dont really bother him too much when im around, and we play sometimes.  you know i will go ahead and say it, this man gave me my very first O moment. no joke. in fact i would have to say the best sex of my life was after one of our talks.  i cant remember what we talked about exactly (i think it was how i thought i was more invested in the relationship than him and he told me how much he cared about me and how he wanted things to work).  me being young and addicted to disney fell for it right then and there.  i was a goner.  got swept up in the sweet words and the beautiful intertwining of two people in love.  or one person in love and the other person in tolerance.  i felt it.  i felt such a connection on a totally unfathomable level and expressed that through my body.  apparently he felt it too since he claimed it was the best sex he's ever had..or actually the best we've ever had. (its possible he's had better...whatever she's probably a slut).  And now, now when he smiles, when he touches me, when "make love" it isnt fucking love at all.  i feel nothing but sadness knowing that his kisses still give me goosebumps and my kisses give him...kisses. to love and not be loved.  worst feeling ever.  i dont want to be in love.  what have we been doing the last 3 months.  the trip up the coast. disneyland. wicked. countless late nights and random adventures.  talks of visiting ohio and talks of the future.  what future.  its been 3 fucking months and the guy "really cares about me."  i dont want a man who really cares about me..i have enough friends.  i want to be in love with someone who is also in love with me.  i cry.  everyday i fucking cry. i cry at work. i cry in the car. i cry in the shower.  ill just randomly well up for no reason at all other than i feel so heavy and yet empty inside.  like a bright burning fire has just been extinguished and all thats left is the smoke.  im such a bitch now.  even the littlest thing will set me off. how will he love me if im a bitch?  and yet how do i not be a bitch to my lover who doesnt love me?  another one of life's conundrums.  last year the fortune teller said id be married at 26.  i think he should change that to single for life.  i dont want to be with someone i can stand.  i want to be with someone whose love for me is the stuff of legend as i will love him too.  whatever. im over it.  no wonder my relationships dont last longer than 3 months. this is why im better at dating. no emotions, no relationship, no commitment, no pain.  i asked my boyfriend if he loves me. he said its complicated.  i asked my boyfriend if he loves me. he said no.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles