2011 has been a horrid year

September twenty third of two thousand and eleven.  This year has officially blown.  I know that the best months have yet to happen (halloween, my birthday and christmas) but i have a distinct inkling that those are gonna suck too.  why...cause halloween this year will be worse than last year.  last year i was celebrating getting a new job, in vegas with a new bestie, and wearing the awesomest costumes ever.  this year i am 7 lbs heavier, bestie has a bf in san diego, and i am now mourning a job loss.  birthday this year, also probably gonna suck.  not getting along so great with 2 of my best friends, hopefully people will come to my bday party, well hopefully ill even have money to THROW a bday party since the bestie im supposed to have my party with hasnt even moved in yet.  Christmas...dont get me started on christmas...no family nearby, no presents (no money), probably wont even be able to afford a tree this year.

I officially ended my tumultuous 4 month escapade with he who was formally known as my boyfriend.  After 2 weeks of horrible (lets just be friends) drama I decided I had to move on.  It just wasnt sitting right with me being towed along and played like that, even though he said he didnt want to "mess me around" who even says that...how do u mess someone around. anyways after proclaiming my love one last time and him still rejecting me i said to hell with it and have since cut him off.  unfortunately i am now $3000 in the hole but hey, don't lend out money unless you don't expect to get it back right?  he says he'll get it back to me slowly but surely until he lands a gig.  1. yea right and 2. yea fucking right.  i am never seeing that money again and it has long been spent.  expensive mistake but now i know...i for sure do not like being a sugar momma.  in fact i find it rather repulsive and disgusting that a man that much older than me would ask me to pay for things, i mean seriously if i wanted a girlfriend i would be lesbian.  *sigh* anyways im losing my job.  Still in limbo, no idea if theyre laying me off or just reducing my hours to zero and keeping me on the payroll to make my life miserable.  Either way the cash river will be reduced to a trickle come Oct. 6 and officially stop flowing by Halloween.  This means I have one month to either land a Nuclear Medicine job in Los Angeles (which i have been trying to do for a year now) or im gonna start babysitting for a living. *double sigh*

Did i mention im sick? not the flu (thank God) just an annoying cough and feeling tired and shitty.  Also i had an allergic reaction to my peppermint chapstick...yea lips got all puffy and blistery and they hurt like HELL. but now im almost fully healed so thats good.  o and my contact has cut my eye again...wow im just in really horrendous physical condition.  so there's that

the one good thing happening in my life right now is i met a boy. he's smart and funny and easy to get along with and isnt a total psychomaniac.  and he aint too bad to look at if i say so myself.  although honestly, i dont know if im ready to get back into the dating game so to speak.  for a while now ive been wanting a relationship but after everything thats happened over this last year i think im ok with just NOT.  like something fun and casual and drama free.  though i totally fucked up last nite and ended up paying for our meal cause ex bf had me pay for everything and so by a horrible force of habit i reached for my wallet and threw my card on the table only to have it be super awkward so i was like "ill get it" and then it was more awkward....o well i used to be so good at dating...now i just suck. *sigh*

ok new concentration is finding a job.   somehow the cash money has to keep coming in so goal for month of october (once i stop traveling everywhere) is to set up as many tutoring/babysitting gigs as possible while still looking for nuc med jobs...also i dont want to work mobile anymore. stupid idea, stupid work environment, just stupid. so to all u peeps out there who actually read my blog (which is no one) please wish me luck, ill need every little bit of it i can get.

Live ur Life, (even if it sucks)
Victoria Niles

And I believed you.

I still recall the first time I met you.  You told me I was the most beautiful thing you had seen in a really long time.  And I believed you.  I remember our first 7 hour long phone conversation when you told me I was like a princess because of my generosity and kindness.  And I believed you.  I remember the first time you made me cry because you said I was wasting your time.  The first time you yelled at me and called me a slut.  The first time you told me you were fucking other girls cause I wasn't "that" hot. And I believed you.  I remember when you whispered in my ear that night that you wanted me to be your girlfriend and that you wanted to treat me like the princess I am.  That you would take care of me and I would never have to work again.  And I believed you.  When you told me "you just wait til you move down to LA, you'll see." Said everything would be better, that we would be better. And I believed you.  When you stopped picking up my phone calls because now that you could see me in person, you're like a spoiled child and didn't want to talk over the phone but wanted to physically see me.  When you said we were moving too fast and should take things slow. When you finally called me your girlfriend and I asked if you were sure and you said yes.  And I believed you.  When you told me you were being an ass because you just wanted some TLC and to spend time with me and not because you wanted some bitch to make you a sandwich. Every time you've said "I miss you" and if I would be more romantic then you would be too.  And I believed you.  The first time you said "I love you," the first time you took it back, the second time you said "I love you" and when you said I really meant something to you.  And I believed you.  That night you called me crying saying how important I was, how special, that you loved me so much and how you didn't want to fuck it up.  How you know what's best for us and to trust you, that after you got your life together you would give me all the time and attention I deserve and that you really want things to work out between us.  And I believed you.  Even when you told me I was weird, and creepy, and crazy.  You said you truly cared for me and that you're here for me no matter what.  After you've blown me off at least half a dozen times.  After you've kicked me out of your house (less than 24 hours before me moving to LA and not having anywhere to stay).  After countless nights of you so disgusted with my presence you refused to kiss me, hug me, or even touch me.  After all the times I've paid for EVERYTHING and you have still yet to take me on a first date (though you promised).  I still fucking believed you.  You told me the other day that you haven't hooked up with any girls since we've been "not together".  And I believed you.  You told me yesterday that you're happy I'm going to SD and that it'll be good for me and that you hope I have fun.  And I believed you.  When you said you loved me like a sister. And I believed you.

When you said of course there's a chance we'll get back together.  That you love me the same way I love you.  That you're trying to make some money for "us."  That you said you would kick your roommate out and we could live together.  All those times you said how romantic you can be and how much fun we'll have and to just wait and I'll see.  That you need "time" to think and that you "can't explain" why you're not into me, but you are, but you just can't have a girlfriend right now. And every single time you say "I love you."  I don't believe you anymore.  Because you said things would be better once I moved to LA.  You said that things would be better if we take it slow.  You said you would show me your generosity and love if I showed you mine. You said things would be better if I just gave you some time to get your life together.  And what, hope that if/when you do that you'll still want me?  And that if you want me you'll all of a sudden start treating me with the kind of love and respect I deserve and haven't been getting?  Can I even hope that you won't hate me enough to still give me my money back?  You say to trust you and wait and I'll see that you're right.  That I'll be proud to have believed in you, that I'll be glad to have invested money in you, that it'll all work out and we'll be great. And I don't believe you.

I still remember standing in the shower in my neon pink paisley bikini, crying because you were leaving.  And you looked at me and said "a year from now we could be in Aruba and this will all seem so silly and we won't even remember why we were fighting."  Well, it's been 4 months since we've met.  And for the first time I can honestly say.  I don't believe you.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles