And I believed you.

I still recall the first time I met you.  You told me I was the most beautiful thing you had seen in a really long time.  And I believed you.  I remember our first 7 hour long phone conversation when you told me I was like a princess because of my generosity and kindness.  And I believed you.  I remember the first time you made me cry because you said I was wasting your time.  The first time you yelled at me and called me a slut.  The first time you told me you were fucking other girls cause I wasn't "that" hot. And I believed you.  I remember when you whispered in my ear that night that you wanted me to be your girlfriend and that you wanted to treat me like the princess I am.  That you would take care of me and I would never have to work again.  And I believed you.  When you told me "you just wait til you move down to LA, you'll see." Said everything would be better, that we would be better. And I believed you.  When you stopped picking up my phone calls because now that you could see me in person, you're like a spoiled child and didn't want to talk over the phone but wanted to physically see me.  When you said we were moving too fast and should take things slow. When you finally called me your girlfriend and I asked if you were sure and you said yes.  And I believed you.  When you told me you were being an ass because you just wanted some TLC and to spend time with me and not because you wanted some bitch to make you a sandwich. Every time you've said "I miss you" and if I would be more romantic then you would be too.  And I believed you.  The first time you said "I love you," the first time you took it back, the second time you said "I love you" and when you said I really meant something to you.  And I believed you.  That night you called me crying saying how important I was, how special, that you loved me so much and how you didn't want to fuck it up.  How you know what's best for us and to trust you, that after you got your life together you would give me all the time and attention I deserve and that you really want things to work out between us.  And I believed you.  Even when you told me I was weird, and creepy, and crazy.  You said you truly cared for me and that you're here for me no matter what.  After you've blown me off at least half a dozen times.  After you've kicked me out of your house (less than 24 hours before me moving to LA and not having anywhere to stay).  After countless nights of you so disgusted with my presence you refused to kiss me, hug me, or even touch me.  After all the times I've paid for EVERYTHING and you have still yet to take me on a first date (though you promised).  I still fucking believed you.  You told me the other day that you haven't hooked up with any girls since we've been "not together".  And I believed you.  You told me yesterday that you're happy I'm going to SD and that it'll be good for me and that you hope I have fun.  And I believed you.  When you said you loved me like a sister. And I believed you.

When you said of course there's a chance we'll get back together.  That you love me the same way I love you.  That you're trying to make some money for "us."  That you said you would kick your roommate out and we could live together.  All those times you said how romantic you can be and how much fun we'll have and to just wait and I'll see.  That you need "time" to think and that you "can't explain" why you're not into me, but you are, but you just can't have a girlfriend right now. And every single time you say "I love you."  I don't believe you anymore.  Because you said things would be better once I moved to LA.  You said that things would be better if we take it slow.  You said you would show me your generosity and love if I showed you mine. You said things would be better if I just gave you some time to get your life together.  And what, hope that if/when you do that you'll still want me?  And that if you want me you'll all of a sudden start treating me with the kind of love and respect I deserve and haven't been getting?  Can I even hope that you won't hate me enough to still give me my money back?  You say to trust you and wait and I'll see that you're right.  That I'll be proud to have believed in you, that I'll be glad to have invested money in you, that it'll all work out and we'll be great. And I don't believe you.

I still remember standing in the shower in my neon pink paisley bikini, crying because you were leaving.  And you looked at me and said "a year from now we could be in Aruba and this will all seem so silly and we won't even remember why we were fighting."  Well, it's been 4 months since we've met.  And for the first time I can honestly say.  I don't believe you.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles