feels so weird right now. i feel like i should be writing...like i need to write. like i need to get something off my chest. and yet as i sit here, im honestly not sure what to write about. i have been meaning to add a blog post for some time now but ugh...its all getting so messy in my head. this happens every time. i should just learn, right? learn to withdraw...learn to not have expectations or to get attached or to let my guard down. but it's just so easy and it feels so natural that i can't say no. im like an addict. a constant struggle between high and low. at the beginning i was good..really good. i didnt need to see him that much, didnt mind not talking to him for a few days, didnt care if he was busy or preoccupied. its all i think about these days. what he's doing, is he happy, i wonder if he's thinking about me, misses me. so many things i want to say but i cant bring myself to say them and every time he says something, every touch, every look, every moment i feel him slipping away. its happened before to me, to him. i need to pull back. need to need less. need to just be myself. but this is myself. i love whole heartedly, i dive head first, i plunge all the way to the bottom not accounting for the return. i do this academically, financially, in my work, with my friends, with my love. everything is just so confusing and everything is becoming so sensitive. i just want to fall, fall head over heels, just let myself be blissfully happy and ignorant in the matters of the heart. and yet i know this is a fool's errand. pull back i say, step away, turn around. come on v, u know better, u are wiser, we've been down this road and we know exactly how it all ends. pull back, keep your ahead above water, dont breathe in until the very last moment. let him come to you in his own time, in his own way. and yet are we, as women, meant to suffer in the waiting room as men come to realize what they have? how long is appropriate. how long do we wait. forever. until judgement day. its time to do the dishes. to clean up ur act. maybe he needs space. maybe i need space. some days i really do feel like a drug addict. except im addicted to the constant need to feel loved. i put myself through rehab, i get better for a while...then love creeps back into my veins just to give me a taste. just to tempt me to throw myself into the abyss and plunge back into the darkness. thats what it is u know. darkness. ive never known love to be anything other than sadness. maybe one day i will be lucky enough to experience true freedom in the realm of love. but right now i feel like a prisoner..always trapped...always seeking a way out.
