Is this life? is this really what the universe entails for us? a life of suffering, of give and take, push and pull. moments of joy followed by moments of great sorrow. people die who deserve to live and people live who dont even deserve the sweet relief of death. my family are barely my friends and my friends are my only family. everything is so messed up im as confused as i was when i was a little girl. when i asked myself if this is really what life is do i want to be a part of it? everyday crying, everyday struggling and fighting for something better...only to find that "something better" is really nothing at all. i want love and peace and satisfaction in knowing that i have touched people and made their lives a little better. its almost martyrdom. like i feel the need to be in pain in order to make people happy. but what about me, doesn't anyone care if im happy. when am i gonna meet someone who will put me first, who values my happiness, who will bring a smile to my face. love is such a peculiar emotion. its portrayed as sweet, enveloping, warm, gentle yet passionate. but love is also portrayed as tragic, depressing, to be almost worse than death. i have felt the rays of love. i have felt that connection with someone who changes your life forever. footprints that can never be erased no matter how hard u try to forget them. they say its better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all. i dont know who "they" are but clearly they have not had the honor to have loved and lost. because anyone who tells u "im glad i loved him and he broke my heart, it was a great experience" is high off their ass...and i would like whatever it is that theyre taking. coming off love is like going through withdrawal. except theres no set time when the drugs are out of ur system. it just lingers and lingers and lingers until either you move on...or u dont. u want to move on just to end the suffering and the pain and so u can get through a workday without everyone at the hospital thinking ur mother just died. but on that same note u dont want to move on because that would mean losing any sort of connection you have/had with that person to begin with. remember when it was happy, when it was good, when the love covered you in a warm blanket like a towel fresh out of the drier. remember when nothing was wrong, and everything was fabulous because u were in love and all you need is love! remember when it hurt. remember the icy cold sting of rejection. remember when u realized that apparently u need a lot more than just love. that disney rose-colored tint is gone and all thats left is harsh reality. i remember when two people being together wasnt about money, or status, or societal pressure. u liked someone because u liked them. it didnt matter who they were, what they were. remember when we didnt see looks or color or economical niche. we just hung out with the people who made us happy, no pressure, no titles, no need to second guess their ulterior motives because the simple fact was they didnt have one.
i have loved and recently lost. he says he still loves me but im hard pressed to believe him. i feel that icy cold sting of rejection. i feel the need to crawl into a small dark space and cry until the hurt stops. i feel disappointed in love for letting me down. i feel betrayed by society for making me feel like true love can happen in an instant and last forever. i feel i dont want to be in a relationship, or get married, or be in love ever again because honestly i highly doubt it will be as awesome as i think it will be. i see couples who are in their 80's that have been together since high school and it makes me want to stab myself in the face and cry. thats like 70 years of being in love. can u imagine! no wonder theyre still alive and kickin! when i ask them whats their secret they tell me "i just couldnt imagine my life without him" followed by a "ur a sweet girl and very pretty. im sure ull be snatched up in a jiffy" and i have nothing to say so i smile. partially cause they used the word jiffy and also because i dont want to tell them that i highly doubt ill be "snatched up" anytime soon since apparently im not as awesome as i try to be.
*sigh* i REALLY thought i got it right this time. Really thought i had actually found that one person worth fighting for, waiting for, dying for. really thought he felt the same way about me. really thought we were gonna work and through all the pain it would bring us closer together. i even thought i found someone to love and accept me for who i am, just the way i am. as if i was good enough. just vivian. and i thought that our love would be enough to get us through anything. but i was wrong. he thinks im crazy, aggressive. he thinks i need to see a therapist (as if thatll fix anything) he says he loves me but cant deal with "situations like this" i would like to point out i was upset at him correcting me all the time and finally couldnt take it anymore so i lashed out at him. apparently this is an unforgivable offense and he thinks us being friends is the best thing for us. newsflash love of my life, we can and never will be "just friends" its too late. far too late. i do have a bad temper and when i lash out i can make grown men cry. its a defense mechanism i learned as a child. big bark, no bite. i have a high tolerance for bullshit but i cant do it anymore. he makes me so mad with his "it hurts me too" really, does it really, does it make u wanna crawl in a hole and die.im hurt im wounded i dont know what to do.
u know ppl tell me that everything will work out in the end. please tell me the end is near.
Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles
i have loved and recently lost. he says he still loves me but im hard pressed to believe him. i feel that icy cold sting of rejection. i feel the need to crawl into a small dark space and cry until the hurt stops. i feel disappointed in love for letting me down. i feel betrayed by society for making me feel like true love can happen in an instant and last forever. i feel i dont want to be in a relationship, or get married, or be in love ever again because honestly i highly doubt it will be as awesome as i think it will be. i see couples who are in their 80's that have been together since high school and it makes me want to stab myself in the face and cry. thats like 70 years of being in love. can u imagine! no wonder theyre still alive and kickin! when i ask them whats their secret they tell me "i just couldnt imagine my life without him" followed by a "ur a sweet girl and very pretty. im sure ull be snatched up in a jiffy" and i have nothing to say so i smile. partially cause they used the word jiffy and also because i dont want to tell them that i highly doubt ill be "snatched up" anytime soon since apparently im not as awesome as i try to be.
*sigh* i REALLY thought i got it right this time. Really thought i had actually found that one person worth fighting for, waiting for, dying for. really thought he felt the same way about me. really thought we were gonna work and through all the pain it would bring us closer together. i even thought i found someone to love and accept me for who i am, just the way i am. as if i was good enough. just vivian. and i thought that our love would be enough to get us through anything. but i was wrong. he thinks im crazy, aggressive. he thinks i need to see a therapist (as if thatll fix anything) he says he loves me but cant deal with "situations like this" i would like to point out i was upset at him correcting me all the time and finally couldnt take it anymore so i lashed out at him. apparently this is an unforgivable offense and he thinks us being friends is the best thing for us. newsflash love of my life, we can and never will be "just friends" its too late. far too late. i do have a bad temper and when i lash out i can make grown men cry. its a defense mechanism i learned as a child. big bark, no bite. i have a high tolerance for bullshit but i cant do it anymore. he makes me so mad with his "it hurts me too" really, does it really, does it make u wanna crawl in a hole and die.im hurt im wounded i dont know what to do.
u know ppl tell me that everything will work out in the end. please tell me the end is near.
Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles
