weird space

weird space right now. weird space in mind that is like a dark pit.  nothing going in, nothing coming out.  just a hole of blackness in my soul that i cant seem to shed any light on.  im unhappy.  not sure what it is that is making me unhappy, not even sure if i actually am unhappy.  i just know that im not at optimum happiness which is what i guess we all strive for.  its strange you know.  turning down so many great guys and for what.  i cant seem to form human connections anymore.  whether its with people im dating or people im friends with that bond that was so strong, that ability to read someone's emotions, actions, and to respond...its just gone.  everything else is in tact.  the lights are definitely on at home but its like the outlets in one room just aren't working.  gotta call an electrician.  2013 is the year for doing shit...for getting it done.  everything ive ever wanted can be mine with hard work, luck, and a whole lot of guts.  for the last 3.5 years i have been searching for someone.  for that special someone.  for someone who will love me and cherish me and believe that i am enough, that i am not perfect but im wonderful.  someone who will accept by bold, blunt attitude but also appreciate my softer romantic side.  someone who knows how to let me have my freedom but also when to draw me back in and say ok v, that's enough.  a man's man as they say, but also a gentleman.  my friends know that the type of guy i need is very specific, very rare, or pretty much non-existant.  but after all the bull shit and the heart ache and the boys i dont know what i believe anymore.  i dont know who i am anymore.  i dont know what i want and even if i did i dont know how to get it.  my soul has a black hole in it, like a missing puzzle piece, like all the lights in the house are on except that one dark window in the corner.  i need that fucking light to go on.  i need that hole to be filled.  once i am complete again i wont be as erratic, overcompensating, unpredictable.  maybe when i am whole again my prince can find me and we can be happy.  how can i expect me to find him or him to find me if im not, well, 100% present.  im leaving for Europe for a month.  im heading out to the new world to find the old me.  somehow in the mess of moving, new jobs, boys, everything, i lost me.  and u know how to find urself?  get lost in everything else.  i know it sounds weird but sometimes people describe being too familiar with their surroundings and it causes them to come into a routine.  into a rut as they say.  take away the home, the friends, the language, the food, the people and replace them all with foreign senses and all ur left with is u.  very counter intuitive but know itll work.  when i went to australia i came back a different person. went i moved into that lady's basement in norcal i became a different person.  and since moving back to la ive kinda lost sight of my person.  time for another massive trip.  a month of exploration, discovery, exhilaration and exhaustion.  and maybe, just maybe when i came back, everything will even out.  and all the little problems will be just that, little.