Confusion: Day 5

I cant believe its already Thursday. here i am sitting at home with a glass of pink moscato thinking "wow i actually got off work early today...what the fuck do i do now?" i wonder around the condo contemplating finishing my taxes or cleaning. i end up doing the dishes and paying some bills.  im in a weird state of shock and contemplation right now. i fixed my phone yesterday.  it was weird doing it by myself since for the a while i thought you'd be helping me, but as i chipped away at the glass i realized that i didnt really need your help.  and when i woke up this morning to dust inside my phone i realized i probably wouldve done better had i had your help.  i did the dishes and thought of how you did the dishes for me when i left early for work.  that was so sweet.  ive done that for ex's but never the other way around.  then i thought of you in korea and realized you never did the dishes.  i also recalled we never actually made dinner together.  i wonder why we never made dinner.  was it because i didnt want to? you didnt want to?  its weird to be emotionally falling for you and yet physically falling for you.  its like im being torn apart deciding and it seems my brain has made that up for me.  i didnt mean to stutter out what happened but it just came up like word vomit. unprepared, unaware of what i was saying it just got said.  i know that neither of us, any of us, are ready for the type of relationship we want and yet we want the same thing.  i know this makes sense to none of you but to me, in my head, its perfectly laid out.  i have a feeling i will regret the conversation i had on sunday.  and yet without that conversation i would've never known that i will come to regret it.  now im speaking in riddles but maybe this break is good.  maybe i need to lose some to gain some?  *sigh* i really hope in the end everything works out for everyone involved.  i miss you.  i miss laying next to you and smelling your skin. i miss the passionate, cant keep our hands off each other sex.  i also miss the long conversations and hilarious texts. i miss having coffee on sunday mornings.  "i like having coffee with you."  i dont know why but that line still makes me smile.  somehow it was probably one of the most flattering things ever said to me.  its like saying i like the simplicity of something so routine and easy as having coffee when i get to have it with you.  in 2 weeks you'll come back and we'll see how i feel.  right now i need a break.  right now im still confounded.  right now i miss ...

Live your Life,
Victoria Niles