pizza, movie?

have you ever made a decision and immediately started questioning everything about it.  like you had been thinking about it for weeks and finally came to a conclusion and then execution day comes and all logic goes out the window.  did i say that right? am i a bad person? am i going to regret this?  i dumped someone today. i dont know if it was the right decision. i didnt even realize it was happening until it already happened.  he asked me "are we done?" and i looked at him and said "romantically, i think so."  i sit up as cuddling with him became more and more uneasy.  i felt guilt. so much guilt.  i felt like a bitch, like i just hit him with the broad side of the sword.  we were talking about pizza i think.  pizza and movies?  im not sure.  and as i looked at him i could see it in his eyes. i was a raging cunt.  it was sadness. disappointment.  it was a look of "is this really happening, is she really doing this?" the idea of "but we were having so much fun, i thought she really liked me" and i do! but at the same time i know that that's about as far as it's going to go. i immediately thought, has he been dumped before?  am i the first person to crush this poor boy's heart like a grape?  this made me feel even more guilty.  to take someone so nice, so thoughtful, so genuinely passionate about life and just stomp all over him.  could i be that bad of a person? what's wrong with dating a nice guy.  why is it i never fall in love with the nice guys.  but ive played this game before and i know what kind of player i am.  without fail most of my relationships end within 2-3 months.  because at that point i know that i want to be in a relationship and he doesnt so we break up.  or i know that im not in love with him so we break up.  i tried that once.  one time i dated a guy for 8 months.  saw him every single day and we went sleep next to each other every night. i met all his friends, his parents knew me, his grandparents.  i had a bottle of conditioner at his place. we celebrated birthdays and the holidays. he was so nice, so thoughtful, such a great person.  he used to pack my lunch for work. when we slept together he always gave more than he took.  and yet both times he asked me to be his girlfriend i said no i dont want to be in a relationship.  and finally, on a rainy february afternoon i drove over to his place, rang the door bell and said this isnt working. and he replied with, i know.  and it was as simple as that.  no arguments, no fights, we both knew deep down that this was not the person im going to marry.  ive never been married but ive talked to many people in successful marriages and they all say the same thing. you just know.  there have been a few guys i thought i was going to marry.  but i was never 100% sold on the idea.  it was i wanna marry him, but..... i feel like there shouldnt be a but.  i like him so much and he'd be such a great boyfriend, but....no, as i sit here now and type this all out i realize and recognize that the "but" is never a good sign. if he'd be such a great boyfriend then why isnt he already?  if you are meant to be together they why aren't you?  if this is the man you're going to marry then why are you thinking of saying no?  ive made quite a few hard decision in life and the hardest ones are always the ones that end up hurting people.  it goes against my nature to hurt someone, even if they're not a significant part of my life. sometimes i even feel bad for my patients because i know theyre going to die but i lie to their faces anyway. ultimately i may come to regret losing him.  but i know that this was the right decision for us right now.  as my best friend says, if you're having doubts now this early on, what kind of doubts will you be having a year from now when something has actually happened to make you doubt your relationship? 

im sorry K, im just so sorry. you deserve better. you deserve more.

pizza, root beer, movie, sex, cuddling?  looks like my sunday night just got a lot worse...

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles