ok so here's the deal...today was quite scary due to reasons i dare not discuss online. lets just say something life altering hit me hard this afternoon-evening that made me realize i am just not ready to give up. its amazing what a little festering thought can do to a weak mind. everyone/anyone just stop for a second and think. What if in an instant you were forced to surrender your future? And i don't mean literally have to give up ur future and die, but i mean what if u had no choice but to make it completely different from what u wanted/dreamed it to be? i mean seriously, dude, not cool. many times in the past (as u can see from previous blogs) have i been doubtful of what i want to do, what i want as a career, etc. and many times have i pondered the thought of just finishing ucla and getting a job somewhere and calling it a day. but a few hours ago, when there was a genuine possibility of losing what i have worked/not worked so hard for, i had to pause and catch my breath. no way was i ready to just throw it all away and decide "no that's just not for me." i couldnt stand the thought of leading some meaningless (well without meaning to me anyways) existence trudging through day after day doing something ultimately mundane and a waste of my life. i mean ok sure, med school is not exactly on everyone's to-do list but its been on mine for a while. like a little speck in the distance that ur somewhat curious about at first and u think maybe i can ignore it but the longer u ignore it the more u have to get closer to said speck to see exactly what it is otherwise itll drive u insane. and u have all these amazing thoughts of the speck and how itll give u everything u always wanted and especially give u the happiness and satisfaction u know u deserve because gosh darn it life has just been so hard its about time something good happens. ya...that speck is med school...and u know i just cant ignore it much longer, so what the heck im just gonna take everything one step at a time just so i can go see what its like. and im almost certain at this point, that that speck will bring me the greatest joy in the world.
on another note, i got my first comment on a post today! likely one of my fbook friends and likely someone who calls me V. weird cause im pretty sure ive heard someone call me that before but i cant quite put my finger on it. o well, some mystery in life makes it worth living am i right? in any case i appreciate ur comment and although u say u have no comforting words...u said exactly what i needed to hear, right when i needed to hear it. and just for the record, i for sure smiled for like a whole 5 seconds. until next time...
Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles
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