I saw you today. Well not in person, but i saw you online. I knew i shouldn't have looked. I knew it was going to hurt. I kept trying to resist the urge. But the truth is, I looked. I was weak. I looked and I was right, it was awful. There you are, smiling and snuggling up next to some girl. I couldn't look away, I needed to know more. And through tear filled eyes I dug deeper. Why am I doing this, why am I torturing myself. I reminded myself that you are this affectionate with everyone, even when we were together. I reminded myself that you told me you still had feelings for me. I reminded myself that what we have is special. And then I remembered you saying that you developed crushes on a lot of girls that didn't develop into anything because you can actively put brakes on your emotions like that. And then I remembered how special it felt to be that special girl, and how ordinary and disappointing it feels to be so very ordinary. I'm just one of those girls that you had a crush on that you just decided to put the brakes on for. I tried to remember that you said you wanted me in your life. I tried. I try everyday, all the time. But the truth is, your life looks so beautiful without me in it. My friend says you're just show boating, that you're going out and trying to have a good time to get over missing me. But deep down in my heart, as much as I'm trying to keep it all together, I know that you're not show boating. That you are truly happy, and that you are truly happy without me. Why else would you end things, why else would you walk away. I am trying so very hard to be positive, to imagine us back together. I am praying every night that you'll wake up one morning missing me and realizing how wonderful of a girl i am and how happy you would be if i was in your life again. My friend asked me isn't it hard to get over someone while you're still talking to them. The truth is it's impossible. I'm such a believer in love and second chances and fate and all the crap because life and reality is too harsh and dark to accept. But this is the reality of love isn't it. It's never returned, it always hurts more than it heals, and there are no happy endings. I see all those old couples and I think of how lucky they are to have it all figured out. And then I see some alone, angry, dying. They haven't figured it out and they never will. I wonder how they felt at my age. I wonder if I'm eerily peering into my own future.
You look so happy without me. How could I destroy that for you. It's been a couple weeks and already your face is brighter, your smile bigger, your shoulders lighter. And I want to believe it's because classes are ending and you have more free time but could it be because I'm not there to weigh you down? You're so lovely, so beautiful, and I'm so dark. People describe me as bubbily and spunky and a fire cracker. It's all for show. Deep down you're right. I am a depressing person. I've see and heard things in my life that I can't let go. I've felt things no little girl should feel and it's hard to not let that get to me. And they say that one day I'll meet a man who will love and accept me for who I am. love and acceptance are different than staying. im tired of hoping and dreaming and wishing of this epic love connection that will never happen. i thought i would never feel that way again until i met you. i thought wow this is the man of my dreams. we used to ask each other where did you come from? as if we stepped out of a myth, a fairytale and into each others lives. i guess the bigger question now is where did u go? back to your old life. back to your happy life. back to before you met me, before all the skyping and the obligations of being a good boyfriend. back to the world of roommates and parties and family and warmth. you went back to your fairytale and i went back to mine. yours is disney, mine is grimm. yours is meant to encourage, mine is meant to heed a warning. so many questions i want to ask u. so many things i want to know. but as my friend points out, these are all mute points. does it matter if he's seeing other people. does it matter if he likes other girls. the point is he doesnt want to be with you. it doesnt matter why or when or anything else. what should i do. should i continue to compete with all your friends and family for your affection for your attention. am i just some girl you dated that one time way back when. even now when i close my eyes i can feel your arms around me and i cry. i cry because i know that no matter how much i wish and hope and pray that you will never touch me like that again. and i see all my friends around me with their men and i smile because im happy for them. and i cry because i can see them all figuring it out, and im still stuck at the starting line without a clue as to find true love and happiness.
what am i doing here. whats the next step. time to dry your eyes sweetheart. every moment im missing you i wonder if you ever think of me. if you too are sad. if you too remember what it feels like to have my head on your chest and my hand on your back. or if you just wake up every morning feeling better and better as i drift further and further out of your memory til you forget me all together. the truth is i dont know if you miss me and i know you'll never tell. time to dry your eyes sweetheart. your life looks so beautiful without me in it. mine...is a living nightmare. guess not much has changed.
You look so happy without me. How could I destroy that for you. It's been a couple weeks and already your face is brighter, your smile bigger, your shoulders lighter. And I want to believe it's because classes are ending and you have more free time but could it be because I'm not there to weigh you down? You're so lovely, so beautiful, and I'm so dark. People describe me as bubbily and spunky and a fire cracker. It's all for show. Deep down you're right. I am a depressing person. I've see and heard things in my life that I can't let go. I've felt things no little girl should feel and it's hard to not let that get to me. And they say that one day I'll meet a man who will love and accept me for who I am. love and acceptance are different than staying. im tired of hoping and dreaming and wishing of this epic love connection that will never happen. i thought i would never feel that way again until i met you. i thought wow this is the man of my dreams. we used to ask each other where did you come from? as if we stepped out of a myth, a fairytale and into each others lives. i guess the bigger question now is where did u go? back to your old life. back to your happy life. back to before you met me, before all the skyping and the obligations of being a good boyfriend. back to the world of roommates and parties and family and warmth. you went back to your fairytale and i went back to mine. yours is disney, mine is grimm. yours is meant to encourage, mine is meant to heed a warning. so many questions i want to ask u. so many things i want to know. but as my friend points out, these are all mute points. does it matter if he's seeing other people. does it matter if he likes other girls. the point is he doesnt want to be with you. it doesnt matter why or when or anything else. what should i do. should i continue to compete with all your friends and family for your affection for your attention. am i just some girl you dated that one time way back when. even now when i close my eyes i can feel your arms around me and i cry. i cry because i know that no matter how much i wish and hope and pray that you will never touch me like that again. and i see all my friends around me with their men and i smile because im happy for them. and i cry because i can see them all figuring it out, and im still stuck at the starting line without a clue as to find true love and happiness.
what am i doing here. whats the next step. time to dry your eyes sweetheart. every moment im missing you i wonder if you ever think of me. if you too are sad. if you too remember what it feels like to have my head on your chest and my hand on your back. or if you just wake up every morning feeling better and better as i drift further and further out of your memory til you forget me all together. the truth is i dont know if you miss me and i know you'll never tell. time to dry your eyes sweetheart. your life looks so beautiful without me in it. mine...is a living nightmare. guess not much has changed.
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