trust, love, happiness

lately I've been feeling used. used for sex, used for companionship, used for backup, used for frustration. one day I'd like to be in a place where people appreciate my experience. acknowledge when I help them, recognize when I love them. I've been getting into a lot of trouble. trouble at work. one more slip up and I'm fired, meanwhile my co-workers can just not show up to work and they're all still here. trouble with my friends. She's not welcomed in my life apparently.  maybe she's right and I should just distance myself from all guys then I could be like her wanted by many and loved by nobody.  New guy I'm seeing had asked for dirty pics again. I think about the other racy pics I've sent his in the party. I regret heavily almost every single one. I told him it's not going to happen. he hasn't responded. maybe he's busy or maybe he thinks I'm a prude. he dumped the last girl cause they weren't sexually compatible. Well I can't get him to finish and I don't let him take naked pics of my downstairs. Pretty sure I'll be the next to go. My mom texted me again about refinancing the home. she says I don't appreciate her making money. I only want to make money If I don't have to work. i told her I'm depressed and don't really care about money right now.  she says she is practical and only wants to make money. I told her I want to be happy. she says there is no such luxury. I told her to stop talking to me. I have everything and yet nothing. why can't I just trust this guy that he likes me. why can't I just trust my friend had my best interest at heart. I hope one day I can let go. but I'm simply not ready to trust anyone right now let alone fall in love.
live ur life,
Victoria Niles