lunch break

I'm having another meltdown. as I'm writing in my car at work I'm crying. writing, crying, texting. It's crazy how low a human can get sometimes. I have a date tomorrow. I don't want to go. but I should. should get out of the house. should move forward with my life. I'm about to lose one of my best friends in the whole world. that one person you feel tethered to no matter how far away they may be. what happens when you cut the cord. I wonder if I'll just float away into oblivion. life is so short and yet somehow I wish it was shorter. everything I knew to be true everything I believed in is a lie. I believed that if I studied hard I'd have a great job with great people and it would make me happy. I studied and sacrificed so much and I still work with stupid people and am under appreciated. I believed that owning my own home would give me a safe haven. It's a Fucking nightmare. And because it's mine every time someone comes in and then hurts me I feel like I was raped. I thought being with your best friend would be the easiest romantic relationship I've ever had. It's by far the hardest. most confusing, most hurtful. I'm lost. v is lost in this world. No direction, no purpose, no people.  Just motions. if I could go back and do it all over again I'm not sure I would. if I had just died in kindergarten the only sadness Id know was getting sand in my eyes. back to work now.   lunch is over. I didn't eat. I'm hungry but couldn't bring myself to go to the cafeteria. kind of like the hunger pain. It'sthe only thing left I feel besides emptiness.