i know what its like

i know what its like to date someone and not get along with any of his friends.
i know what its like to date someone and get along with all his friends.
i know what its like to sleep with someone while thinking of someone else.
i know what its like to sleep with someone and not able to think of anything else.
i know what its like to have the perfect boyfriend who isnt actually my boyfriend.
i know what its like to have the perfect monster actually be my boyfriend.
i know what its like to love someone long distance and not see him for months at a time.
i know what its like to love someone down the street and end up seeing him all of the time.
i know what its like to dump someone who didnt deserve it, who deserves so much better.
i know what its like to be dumped by someone when i didnt deserve it.
i know what its like to laugh, cry, curl my toes and smile when making love.
i know what its like to feel guilt and pleasure and pain simultaneously.
i know what its like to hate the person youre with and to be hated by the person you love.
i know what its like to be with every type of man except the one im going to be with.
i dont know what itd be like to have a boyfriend who loved me when i loved him. whose friends i would absolutely adore and lived so close i could hop over just for dinner.  where no one would be dumped or broken or deserving of more. someone who when we make love all i feel is pleasure and passion and ecstasy, and all i can think of is being in that moment with him.  i dont know what any of that feels like...ill bet that it would be absolutely amazing.

Confusion: Day 5

I cant believe its already Thursday. here i am sitting at home with a glass of pink moscato thinking "wow i actually got off work early today...what the fuck do i do now?" i wonder around the condo contemplating finishing my taxes or cleaning. i end up doing the dishes and paying some bills.  im in a weird state of shock and contemplation right now. i fixed my phone yesterday.  it was weird doing it by myself since for the a while i thought you'd be helping me, but as i chipped away at the glass i realized that i didnt really need your help.  and when i woke up this morning to dust inside my phone i realized i probably wouldve done better had i had your help.  i did the dishes and thought of how you did the dishes for me when i left early for work.  that was so sweet.  ive done that for ex's but never the other way around.  then i thought of you in korea and realized you never did the dishes.  i also recalled we never actually made dinner together.  i wonder why we never made dinner.  was it because i didnt want to? you didnt want to?  its weird to be emotionally falling for you and yet physically falling for you.  its like im being torn apart deciding and it seems my brain has made that up for me.  i didnt mean to stutter out what happened but it just came up like word vomit. unprepared, unaware of what i was saying it just got said.  i know that neither of us, any of us, are ready for the type of relationship we want and yet we want the same thing.  i know this makes sense to none of you but to me, in my head, its perfectly laid out.  i have a feeling i will regret the conversation i had on sunday.  and yet without that conversation i would've never known that i will come to regret it.  now im speaking in riddles but maybe this break is good.  maybe i need to lose some to gain some?  *sigh* i really hope in the end everything works out for everyone involved.  i miss you.  i miss laying next to you and smelling your skin. i miss the passionate, cant keep our hands off each other sex.  i also miss the long conversations and hilarious texts. i miss having coffee on sunday mornings.  "i like having coffee with you."  i dont know why but that line still makes me smile.  somehow it was probably one of the most flattering things ever said to me.  its like saying i like the simplicity of something so routine and easy as having coffee when i get to have it with you.  in 2 weeks you'll come back and we'll see how i feel.  right now i need a break.  right now im still confounded.  right now i miss ...

Live your Life,
Victoria Niles

pizza, movie?

have you ever made a decision and immediately started questioning everything about it.  like you had been thinking about it for weeks and finally came to a conclusion and then execution day comes and all logic goes out the window.  did i say that right? am i a bad person? am i going to regret this?  i dumped someone today. i dont know if it was the right decision. i didnt even realize it was happening until it already happened.  he asked me "are we done?" and i looked at him and said "romantically, i think so."  i sit up as cuddling with him became more and more uneasy.  i felt guilt. so much guilt.  i felt like a bitch, like i just hit him with the broad side of the sword.  we were talking about pizza i think.  pizza and movies?  im not sure.  and as i looked at him i could see it in his eyes. i was a raging cunt.  it was sadness. disappointment.  it was a look of "is this really happening, is she really doing this?" the idea of "but we were having so much fun, i thought she really liked me" and i do! but at the same time i know that that's about as far as it's going to go. i immediately thought, has he been dumped before?  am i the first person to crush this poor boy's heart like a grape?  this made me feel even more guilty.  to take someone so nice, so thoughtful, so genuinely passionate about life and just stomp all over him.  could i be that bad of a person? what's wrong with dating a nice guy.  why is it i never fall in love with the nice guys.  but ive played this game before and i know what kind of player i am.  without fail most of my relationships end within 2-3 months.  because at that point i know that i want to be in a relationship and he doesnt so we break up.  or i know that im not in love with him so we break up.  i tried that once.  one time i dated a guy for 8 months.  saw him every single day and we went sleep next to each other every night. i met all his friends, his parents knew me, his grandparents.  i had a bottle of conditioner at his place. we celebrated birthdays and the holidays. he was so nice, so thoughtful, such a great person.  he used to pack my lunch for work. when we slept together he always gave more than he took.  and yet both times he asked me to be his girlfriend i said no i dont want to be in a relationship.  and finally, on a rainy february afternoon i drove over to his place, rang the door bell and said this isnt working. and he replied with, i know.  and it was as simple as that.  no arguments, no fights, we both knew deep down that this was not the person im going to marry.  ive never been married but ive talked to many people in successful marriages and they all say the same thing. you just know.  there have been a few guys i thought i was going to marry.  but i was never 100% sold on the idea.  it was i wanna marry him, but..... i feel like there shouldnt be a but.  i like him so much and he'd be such a great boyfriend, but....no, as i sit here now and type this all out i realize and recognize that the "but" is never a good sign. if he'd be such a great boyfriend then why isnt he already?  if you are meant to be together they why aren't you?  if this is the man you're going to marry then why are you thinking of saying no?  ive made quite a few hard decision in life and the hardest ones are always the ones that end up hurting people.  it goes against my nature to hurt someone, even if they're not a significant part of my life. sometimes i even feel bad for my patients because i know theyre going to die but i lie to their faces anyway. ultimately i may come to regret losing him.  but i know that this was the right decision for us right now.  as my best friend says, if you're having doubts now this early on, what kind of doubts will you be having a year from now when something has actually happened to make you doubt your relationship? 

im sorry K, im just so sorry. you deserve better. you deserve more.

pizza, root beer, movie, sex, cuddling?  looks like my sunday night just got a lot worse...

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

Change is good, growth is better.

It pains me to say this but I was really happy earlier today and now I am a little down.  This morning I booked tickets to my sister's graduation and my one month long backpacking tour through Europe.  I was over the moon about exploring, taking photos, vlogging my whole damn journey. I told everyone I just couldn't keep such great news to myself!  I came home and cleaned a little, sat down to check facebook and saw a picture of my friends hanging out without me.  You see, this lady and I had a falling out a few weeks ago.  I snapped at her because she just seems to hate every man I've ever been with and she snapped at me because apparently I'm a judgmental bitch.  I'm not saying either of us was right or wrong but what I do know is that now neither of us are talking.  It's sad really.  Seeing her inviting our friends out to do fun things like hiking or dancing or cooking or all the fun things we used to do together.  facebook has this wonderful feature when you can look at the friendship you've had with someone through pictures and facebook wall posts.  i went to this page trying to find a way to unsubscribe from her on my news feed because the pain of looking at those pictures without me in it was too much.  and as i stalked our history i realized that we had a lot of good times together.  that there was a point in our lives when we were best friends.  saw each other everyday, knew each others deepest secrets.  we were neighbors, roommates, sisters.  and now what are we?  now it seems we're strangers.  i fully believe that people walk in and out of your life and that the people that are meant to stay will always come back no matter how far we stray from each other.  i wonder if we could ever get back to that point.  that point of comfort, when we had each other's backs, when we thought that this friendship could never ever end.  i invited her to superbowl sunday but she already had other plans.  i will continue to invite her out whenever i go do something fun because that's what friends do.  I don't know how long she will exclude me from her life but hopefully not forever.  im excited about my Europe trip and also terrified.  because its really not the places or things or views that make traveling fun.  its' the people.  if you do it right you will meet the most interesting people in your life.  and for a few days you will be best of friends and share a bond that only others who dare venture on their own will share.  and then you will return home and only see their lives through facebook.  and then maybe one day in the distant future you will see them again.  people.  individuals are what make life worth living.  i dont know how this year is gonna roll. so far it's been pretty darn exciting and it's only been a couple months.  all i know is i sense a change coming.  and i feel like by the time 2014 rolls around ill be a whole different woman.  im anxious, scared even to meet her, but im ready. i was born ready. change is good, but growth is better.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

oddly satisfied

i feel oddly satisfied right now. just made another appointment with the plumber and am sincerely hoping on tuesday my kitchen sink will be back in working order. is it weird? to gain a small amount of gratification knowing you're taking steps into fixing something broken. but i guess thats why we're all here in the first place.  i wonder if the universe ever thought to put us on this planet already fixed and ready to go so we could do what we were meant to do and not end up in the junkyard.  many people say that they would not have achieved all that theyve achieved, would not have helped or touched the lives that they did if it weren't for the hardships they experienced.  then i pose the question, are we purposely put on this planet broken?  with turmoils, hardships and trouble already built into our fabric of fate in order to "fix" us into the meaningful lives we wish to fulfill?  that would mean that all the shit ive been through and all the people whove left me and all the betrayal and the lies and the, well everything, was all to make me into the person i ultimately was supposed to become anyways.  fixed, perfect, purposeful. doing exactly what i was meant to do and precisely the integral piece of a large work of machinery we call life.  somehow it makes me less sad to know or at least to imagine that my heartbreaks will make me love greater one day. or the betrayal will allow me to understand the full meaning of trust and support so that i may give unto others.  failure will make me recognize success and poverty will make me appreciate riches. not going to lie i am afraid to live again. to love. to me so invigorated by life that i cant wait to go to sleep at night just because i know itll bring me the next morning.  so many tasks ive yet to complete because that would mean i have completed them, now what? i finally mailed in the letter to get my name changed on my mileage.  that way i can book my ticket to europe and make it all official.  but im scared.  what if it isnt the eye opener i think it will be?  what if somehow, a backpacking tour through europe solo and soul searching in fact leaves me empty handed?  did i hype it up in my head or is it my fault for not seeking wisdom while abroad?  im seeing a guy right now.  a wonderful guy. he cant keep his hands off me. but instead of being flattered that he finds me so attractive i keep thinking is that all he wants from me? my ass?  he invited me over to hang out with his friends and all i keep thinking is, gosh we have nothing in common, how can i see this guy if his friends and i have nothing to talk about? he got us tickets to an event that is nearly 3 months from now and when his friends asked him are u selling the other ticket he said "o i think she might want to go" after i already told him i would pay him back. and all i kept thinking was why would he say might?  what is this negative outlook on life ive developed?  guys express their interest physically.  if he cant keep his hands off me it means he is that attracted to me. i mean he could have any girl in this city but he chose to see me after work.  sure im an easy target in that he doesnt have to put the effort in to pick me up at the bar but if anything im more effort because he still calls me afterward.  and no his friends and i may not have had anything to talk about the first couple times but hey i get along with him and they get along with him so must have enough sense to get along with each other.  its possible that its just hard introducing a new person into a new clique and theyre protective of him. i know im protective of my girls' new guys and i wanna know what theyre deal is.  the fact that theyre willing to hang out with me at all i should take as a form of flattery since i have a girlfriend who doesnt even want to meet this new guy (whole other story).  and maybe he said "might" because he didnt want to put me on the spot of making it sound like a for sure thing since he knows i want to take it slow and not commit just yet but the point is is that he bought that ticket for ME with the intention and hope that I will be the one to take it.  he basically told his friend, no this ticket is reserved for her should she choose to go but if for some reason she's a raging bitch and backs out then you can have it.  he took a trip to vegas with the last girl he dated for a month then dumped her sorry ass for not having any sexual chemistry.  dont know why i drew that parallel to me since we love having sex all the time (reason why im out of comission right now lol) but im worried that if we take this trip to sf and we dont click that he'll kick me to the curb. and now im thinking 1) thats not gonna happen cause im awesome and he'll love it and 2) so what if he does?  do i really wanna be with a guy i cant travel with seeing as thats such a big part of my life?  he invited me to thailand. i dont know if he was serious but i said no.  he probably knew i was gonna say no but still, thered be no reason to invite me if he didnt at least fantasize that it would be fun.  why am i still so paranoid? so conflicted? so torn?  i am tired of being sad, and slow, and lethargic. tired of being unproductive and apparently getting in trouble at work. february's goal is to 1) fix everything in the house including the AC and 2) book that europe trip.  by the end of the month i will have my flights booked and days approved off work.  in march i will work on taxes..and yes it will take me a whole month to work up the stamina to do taxes lol.  i may also take on refinancing the home. march can be financial month. if not then refinancing will be april. may i will be in europe galavanting and having the time of my life damn it and i think im going to keep a video diary cause that sounds rad. june i will be searching for a new awesome job at a hospital doing research or something exciting of the sort.  whatever it is the goal is get 40 hrs a week at higher salary not working in a trailer. by july i will hopefully have said job and will be training and getting used to me awesome new lifestyle. aug and sept have yet to be accounted for and i cannot WAIT for the next holiday season because there is no way it can be worse than 2012 *knocks on wood* goals..aspirations...o and im gonna lose some weight. im tired of being pudgy. the guy im with isnt pudgy so why should i have that luxury...for realz
Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

trust, love, happiness

lately I've been feeling used. used for sex, used for companionship, used for backup, used for frustration. one day I'd like to be in a place where people appreciate my experience. acknowledge when I help them, recognize when I love them. I've been getting into a lot of trouble. trouble at work. one more slip up and I'm fired, meanwhile my co-workers can just not show up to work and they're all still here. trouble with my friends. She's not welcomed in my life apparently.  maybe she's right and I should just distance myself from all guys then I could be like her wanted by many and loved by nobody.  New guy I'm seeing had asked for dirty pics again. I think about the other racy pics I've sent his in the party. I regret heavily almost every single one. I told him it's not going to happen. he hasn't responded. maybe he's busy or maybe he thinks I'm a prude. he dumped the last girl cause they weren't sexually compatible. Well I can't get him to finish and I don't let him take naked pics of my downstairs. Pretty sure I'll be the next to go. My mom texted me again about refinancing the home. she says I don't appreciate her making money. I only want to make money If I don't have to work. i told her I'm depressed and don't really care about money right now.  she says she is practical and only wants to make money. I told her I want to be happy. she says there is no such luxury. I told her to stop talking to me. I have everything and yet nothing. why can't I just trust this guy that he likes me. why can't I just trust my friend had my best interest at heart. I hope one day I can let go. but I'm simply not ready to trust anyone right now let alone fall in love.
live ur life,
Victoria Niles

weekend plans?

It's been a few weeks since I've posted. Guess my life has been a little eventful.  *sigh* where do i even begin?  yesterday one of my best friends and i got into a massive text fight.  basically she told me i have to stop making her feel bad or she's leaving.  yes my girl just gave me an ultimatum.  i basically told her that if thats what she needs to do then thats fine.  because honestly, ultimatums dont work...they dont work on boys they dont work on girls. also im not actively making her feel bad.  i feel like im never allowed to introduce any guy to her or shes going to think im dating some loser. she gets mad when i invite them to drinks. mad when i invite them to dinners. mad when i invited my serious boyfriend to her pool party.  its like because her and her boyfriend never hang out means im not allowed to hang out with her unless i too am boyfriend less.  i never tell her what to do with her life but she's always telling me what im doing wrong with mine.  you need to let it go v. dont text him dont call him. let him come to u. dont bring drama. dont get upset when he doesnt show up. excuse me...im allowed to get fucking bloody upset whenever i want to. if u dont like it, dont look at it.  which brings me to the next eventful thing of today. my boss called me and told me he has to write me up because a patient complained that she overheard me swearing in the other room and thought it was very unprofessional.  really lady? u know what happens when u file a complaint? ppl get fired. u literally thought that eavesdropping on my conversation in the other room and hearing me swear (language she claims doesnt offend her) is reason enough to get fired? how about this? how about our coworker was straight up yelling AT patients? is he fired? did he get a formal complaint? and i love how my boss just doesnt stick up for me at all. does he have any idea how much shit i have to deal with at work? does he care that i am literally bending over backwards to try and make everything go smoothly, fix all the technical issues, and am i getting any support? like when the camera exploded and the doc didnt get his pictures and complained that i didnt know what i was doing.  you know what, they dont pay me to be a computer engineer asshole so i did the best i could. do u think my boss stood up for me then? explained that the camera was down and that it wasnt my fault? nope he called me and told me that i would need to be monitored until the doc thought i was satisfactory. REALLY? great so as of right now im a shitty friend and a shitty employee both not my actual problem.  i havent talked to boston boy in almost a month.  strangely ive stopped thinking about him too.  could be that i met a new guy. or a few new guys.  he pretty much asked me to be in a relationship the other day. i said no. i dont know why i said no i have no good reason other than i just dont trust people anymore.  the folks youve known the longest just turn on you in an instant. leaving u hanging, out to dry, on ur own, fed to the wolves.  why would i want to commit myself to someone who inevitably is going to rip my heart out and throw it over a cliff and says "fetch."  is that morbid? am i being dramatic? yes.my friend is having a dinner party friday. i was planning on going. i wanted to go. i wanted to maybe bring a date. she said only if he's cool.  why the fuck would i bring someone with me KNOWING the fact that he's uncool? does that even make sense? if im asking of course he's cool num nuts. its like shes embarrassed by the guys i date. so here's what tmrw has in store. 1. get lectured by my boss for 30 minutes whilst trying to focus on a new site that ive already fucked up in the past. 2. all those phone calls i didnt make? yea gotta do that tmrw too to the home warranty, medical insurance, tattoo parlor. 3. 8pm willl roll around and i will be one of three places: at my friend's party feeling unwelcomed and ashamed since she sincerely expressed her desire to dump me, at my new guy's house feeling incredibly guilty that im not at my friend's dinner party because he wasnt invited but i want to hang out with him, or lastly at home by myself since all my other friends are going to this dinner party and contemplating why i cant keep any healthy relationships with friends, family, boyfriends, coworkers, people.  does this sound like a fun friday night? o did i mention i also have a yeast infection....which means my downstairs is incredibly uncomfortable so no matter where ill be ill be physically irritated....YAY WEEKEND! ugh.

LiVe YoUr LiFe,
Victoria Niles