It's been a while hasn't it. I see the last post I made was about a man. He ended up marrying his rebound and I ended up finding someone else too. And while he is blissfully happy living a life that I am glad to not be a part of, I am still...to this day...unhappy. Weirdly there is nothing in my life to be unhappy about. I have a super awesome career that is both rewarding and pays well. I have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me like a queen. I have loving friends, I have since repaired the broken relationship with my mother, and all seems to be going wonderfully. I also have adopted a puppy in the last couple years, one who is sitting beside me as I type right now. But despite all this, despite the joyous things in my life and the monumental progress I have made in therapy...I am unhappy. Let me go back a minute.
Last year I met a boy. Not just any boy. The boy I dreamt about when I was younger. Prince Charming if you will. He was handsome, fit, intelligent, successful, liked the same things I did, and was always down for whatever adventures I came up with. All my friends were happy for me and dare I say slightly jealous. This guy was sheer perfection. We never argued, never got upset, I never raised my voice once during our entire 6 month relationship. He was perfect, I was perfect, and together we were perfect. I had never met anyone like him in my life and I was 100% sure we were going to get married within the year. I had never been more sure of anything in my life. Knew it in my bones. He made me want to be a better person. I was a better person. I was finally the kind of partner I have always wanted to be. Kind, patient, understanding. Even my coworkers said I was literally GLOWING.
Six months later my dream came to an end. He stopped speaking to me after our separate but equally timed trips to europe. After bout 3 weeks he agreed to come with me to my frien'ds bday party then the next morning he told me he was unhappy and didn't want to see me anymore. No why, no how long, he even said we may get back together when he is in a better place in 6 months. I wonder how that was going to work out seeing as he moved to Colorado 3 months later. I always wondered why he left. As far as I could tell I was floating along in blissful happiness and eternal sunshine. And then one day, it was as if someone stopped the music and turned on all the house lights. And just like that everyone scattered and the party was over and I was left on the dance floor alone and looking like a fool. I was hurt...so fucking hurt...confused...id say i even had some PTSD from this trauma. It took me a year to feel fully normal again. To feel like myself again. To feel like I wasn't just goin through day by day waking up and going to sleep hoping it was all going to end. A year of no dating apps, no nothing...Just me trying to love me again.
And then I met you. My wonderful boyfriend. It was absolute bliss during May and July. So much so in fact you asked me to be your girlfiend just a month in. You invited me to your brother's wedding. I invited you to Europe. I wasn't in love by any means...I was going to be cautious this time about falling too fast for someone. But everything was going smoothly. And then...at some point...it all turned didn't it. It is not october...id say for the last 2 months we have been solidly argueing at least once a week. it has progressed now to about 3 times a week and is only getting worse. I feel like i've been talking to a wall. like you can't hear me. i also feel like ive been self sabotaging. i dont know why. its not what i want. what i want is to be blisffully in love with someone who has the capacity to love me back. But when i think abbout love all i think about is loss. How much it hurt to lose that boy. How much it hurt to never know what it was that happened or what i did wrong. to know that even though i was happy and perfect and wonderful, that still somehow it was not enough. That even at the top of my game and at the best time in my life...I was not enough. Sometimes, all the time, I think I am not enough. Not enough for my job promotion, not enough for you, not enough. I feel unloved and unsupported, and alone. I am living in a constant fear of rejection and unworthiness. And it is all because when I had finally found the perfect man, I could not live up to the hype. That even though I was the best verson of myself, it was inadequate to love. I don't know if ican do that again . I don't know if I can put all that effort into being the best version of myself and have you tell me it isn't enough. To love you, commit to you, and have you one day up and leave because it's just not that great. Because im not that great. I'm sorry for pushing you away. I don't want you to come close, to see me in all my glory, and to think wow...i worked this hard and waited this long for this? i dont want you to be dissappointed. i am dissappointed. i am appalled with my behavior lately. i even got into it with my therapist the other day. i need help. i want to be that perfect partner again. i want to love and accept myself at my best because i am worth loving. and i want to be my best self for you. i hope i gain the confidence to get back there one day. i hope you have the patience to put up with me til then. but i wouldnt blame you if you didnt. afterall we've only been dating for 4 months. and im not entirely sure im worth waiting for.. David didn't...why should you?
Last year I met a boy. Not just any boy. The boy I dreamt about when I was younger. Prince Charming if you will. He was handsome, fit, intelligent, successful, liked the same things I did, and was always down for whatever adventures I came up with. All my friends were happy for me and dare I say slightly jealous. This guy was sheer perfection. We never argued, never got upset, I never raised my voice once during our entire 6 month relationship. He was perfect, I was perfect, and together we were perfect. I had never met anyone like him in my life and I was 100% sure we were going to get married within the year. I had never been more sure of anything in my life. Knew it in my bones. He made me want to be a better person. I was a better person. I was finally the kind of partner I have always wanted to be. Kind, patient, understanding. Even my coworkers said I was literally GLOWING.
Six months later my dream came to an end. He stopped speaking to me after our separate but equally timed trips to europe. After bout 3 weeks he agreed to come with me to my frien'ds bday party then the next morning he told me he was unhappy and didn't want to see me anymore. No why, no how long, he even said we may get back together when he is in a better place in 6 months. I wonder how that was going to work out seeing as he moved to Colorado 3 months later. I always wondered why he left. As far as I could tell I was floating along in blissful happiness and eternal sunshine. And then one day, it was as if someone stopped the music and turned on all the house lights. And just like that everyone scattered and the party was over and I was left on the dance floor alone and looking like a fool. I was hurt...so fucking hurt...confused...id say i even had some PTSD from this trauma. It took me a year to feel fully normal again. To feel like myself again. To feel like I wasn't just goin through day by day waking up and going to sleep hoping it was all going to end. A year of no dating apps, no nothing...Just me trying to love me again.
And then I met you. My wonderful boyfriend. It was absolute bliss during May and July. So much so in fact you asked me to be your girlfiend just a month in. You invited me to your brother's wedding. I invited you to Europe. I wasn't in love by any means...I was going to be cautious this time about falling too fast for someone. But everything was going smoothly. And then...at some point...it all turned didn't it. It is not october...id say for the last 2 months we have been solidly argueing at least once a week. it has progressed now to about 3 times a week and is only getting worse. I feel like i've been talking to a wall. like you can't hear me. i also feel like ive been self sabotaging. i dont know why. its not what i want. what i want is to be blisffully in love with someone who has the capacity to love me back. But when i think abbout love all i think about is loss. How much it hurt to lose that boy. How much it hurt to never know what it was that happened or what i did wrong. to know that even though i was happy and perfect and wonderful, that still somehow it was not enough. That even at the top of my game and at the best time in my life...I was not enough. Sometimes, all the time, I think I am not enough. Not enough for my job promotion, not enough for you, not enough. I feel unloved and unsupported, and alone. I am living in a constant fear of rejection and unworthiness. And it is all because when I had finally found the perfect man, I could not live up to the hype. That even though I was the best verson of myself, it was inadequate to love. I don't know if ican do that again . I don't know if I can put all that effort into being the best version of myself and have you tell me it isn't enough. To love you, commit to you, and have you one day up and leave because it's just not that great. Because im not that great. I'm sorry for pushing you away. I don't want you to come close, to see me in all my glory, and to think wow...i worked this hard and waited this long for this? i dont want you to be dissappointed. i am dissappointed. i am appalled with my behavior lately. i even got into it with my therapist the other day. i need help. i want to be that perfect partner again. i want to love and accept myself at my best because i am worth loving. and i want to be my best self for you. i hope i gain the confidence to get back there one day. i hope you have the patience to put up with me til then. but i wouldnt blame you if you didnt. afterall we've only been dating for 4 months. and im not entirely sure im worth waiting for.. David didn't...why should you?
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