trust, love, happiness

lately I've been feeling used. used for sex, used for companionship, used for backup, used for frustration. one day I'd like to be in a place where people appreciate my experience. acknowledge when I help them, recognize when I love them. I've been getting into a lot of trouble. trouble at work. one more slip up and I'm fired, meanwhile my co-workers can just not show up to work and they're all still here. trouble with my friends. She's not welcomed in my life apparently.  maybe she's right and I should just distance myself from all guys then I could be like her wanted by many and loved by nobody.  New guy I'm seeing had asked for dirty pics again. I think about the other racy pics I've sent his in the party. I regret heavily almost every single one. I told him it's not going to happen. he hasn't responded. maybe he's busy or maybe he thinks I'm a prude. he dumped the last girl cause they weren't sexually compatible. Well I can't get him to finish and I don't let him take naked pics of my downstairs. Pretty sure I'll be the next to go. My mom texted me again about refinancing the home. she says I don't appreciate her making money. I only want to make money If I don't have to work. i told her I'm depressed and don't really care about money right now.  she says she is practical and only wants to make money. I told her I want to be happy. she says there is no such luxury. I told her to stop talking to me. I have everything and yet nothing. why can't I just trust this guy that he likes me. why can't I just trust my friend had my best interest at heart. I hope one day I can let go. but I'm simply not ready to trust anyone right now let alone fall in love.
live ur life,
Victoria Niles

weekend plans?

It's been a few weeks since I've posted. Guess my life has been a little eventful.  *sigh* where do i even begin?  yesterday one of my best friends and i got into a massive text fight.  basically she told me i have to stop making her feel bad or she's leaving.  yes my girl just gave me an ultimatum.  i basically told her that if thats what she needs to do then thats fine.  because honestly, ultimatums dont work...they dont work on boys they dont work on girls. also im not actively making her feel bad.  i feel like im never allowed to introduce any guy to her or shes going to think im dating some loser. she gets mad when i invite them to drinks. mad when i invite them to dinners. mad when i invited my serious boyfriend to her pool party.  its like because her and her boyfriend never hang out means im not allowed to hang out with her unless i too am boyfriend less.  i never tell her what to do with her life but she's always telling me what im doing wrong with mine.  you need to let it go v. dont text him dont call him. let him come to u. dont bring drama. dont get upset when he doesnt show up. excuse me...im allowed to get fucking bloody upset whenever i want to. if u dont like it, dont look at it.  which brings me to the next eventful thing of today. my boss called me and told me he has to write me up because a patient complained that she overheard me swearing in the other room and thought it was very unprofessional.  really lady? u know what happens when u file a complaint? ppl get fired. u literally thought that eavesdropping on my conversation in the other room and hearing me swear (language she claims doesnt offend her) is reason enough to get fired? how about this? how about our coworker was straight up yelling AT patients? is he fired? did he get a formal complaint? and i love how my boss just doesnt stick up for me at all. does he have any idea how much shit i have to deal with at work? does he care that i am literally bending over backwards to try and make everything go smoothly, fix all the technical issues, and am i getting any support? like when the camera exploded and the doc didnt get his pictures and complained that i didnt know what i was doing.  you know what, they dont pay me to be a computer engineer asshole so i did the best i could. do u think my boss stood up for me then? explained that the camera was down and that it wasnt my fault? nope he called me and told me that i would need to be monitored until the doc thought i was satisfactory. REALLY? great so as of right now im a shitty friend and a shitty employee both not my actual problem.  i havent talked to boston boy in almost a month.  strangely ive stopped thinking about him too.  could be that i met a new guy. or a few new guys.  he pretty much asked me to be in a relationship the other day. i said no. i dont know why i said no i have no good reason other than i just dont trust people anymore.  the folks youve known the longest just turn on you in an instant. leaving u hanging, out to dry, on ur own, fed to the wolves.  why would i want to commit myself to someone who inevitably is going to rip my heart out and throw it over a cliff and says "fetch."  is that morbid? am i being dramatic? yes.my friend is having a dinner party friday. i was planning on going. i wanted to go. i wanted to maybe bring a date. she said only if he's cool.  why the fuck would i bring someone with me KNOWING the fact that he's uncool? does that even make sense? if im asking of course he's cool num nuts. its like shes embarrassed by the guys i date. so here's what tmrw has in store. 1. get lectured by my boss for 30 minutes whilst trying to focus on a new site that ive already fucked up in the past. 2. all those phone calls i didnt make? yea gotta do that tmrw too to the home warranty, medical insurance, tattoo parlor. 3. 8pm willl roll around and i will be one of three places: at my friend's party feeling unwelcomed and ashamed since she sincerely expressed her desire to dump me, at my new guy's house feeling incredibly guilty that im not at my friend's dinner party because he wasnt invited but i want to hang out with him, or lastly at home by myself since all my other friends are going to this dinner party and contemplating why i cant keep any healthy relationships with friends, family, boyfriends, coworkers, people.  does this sound like a fun friday night? o did i mention i also have a yeast infection....which means my downstairs is incredibly uncomfortable so no matter where ill be ill be physically irritated....YAY WEEKEND! ugh.

LiVe YoUr LiFe,
Victoria Niles

probably...definitely.

was it something i did, something i said? probably. definitely. is there something wrong with me? probably....definitely.  when did i become this person? this person who is defective, broken, weak. i am incredible after all. im good looking, independent, sweet, sassy, bold, submissive. im smart, cute, adorable, sexy.  i own my own place, have a great job, am totally self sufficient. im creative, im light and im dark.  im the girl you want to bring home to your mother and show off to all your bros.  im the girl that everyone wants on their team. im the girl who always has your back.  im fun, playful, serious, deep.  genuine, honest, beautiful. i am all of these things and yet i am nothing. i am someone to no one and no one to everyone.  confused? me too.  why did he pick her over me ill never know. what she has to offer that i dont have ten times over ill never know. im a great catch. ive been told by many people who would know a thing or two about great catches.  im a diamond in the rough. a puppy in the pound. im just waiting to be scooped up by some lucky bastard.  and yet there are no takers. there never are.  its so easy to get a date these days. just walk outside the house.  it might even be easy to get a boyfriend.  its damn near impossible to get someone to tell me the truth. so many men, so many lies over the last few years. i dont know who or what to believe anymore. what she has over me i'll never know..but he is wrong.  i am better for him than her in every way. i am better for him than everyone in every way.  but he doesn't see. he doesn't care. doesn't see whats in front of him.  and so i cut the chord. its time now. time to float away. hopefully someone else will catch my string before i reach the atmosphere and drift so far away i have no choice but to explode and fall back to the ground. broken. torn. dead.

lunch break

I'm having another meltdown. as I'm writing in my car at work I'm crying. writing, crying, texting. It's crazy how low a human can get sometimes. I have a date tomorrow. I don't want to go. but I should. should get out of the house. should move forward with my life. I'm about to lose one of my best friends in the whole world. that one person you feel tethered to no matter how far away they may be. what happens when you cut the cord. I wonder if I'll just float away into oblivion. life is so short and yet somehow I wish it was shorter. everything I knew to be true everything I believed in is a lie. I believed that if I studied hard I'd have a great job with great people and it would make me happy. I studied and sacrificed so much and I still work with stupid people and am under appreciated. I believed that owning my own home would give me a safe haven. It's a Fucking nightmare. And because it's mine every time someone comes in and then hurts me I feel like I was raped. I thought being with your best friend would be the easiest romantic relationship I've ever had. It's by far the hardest. most confusing, most hurtful. I'm lost. v is lost in this world. No direction, no purpose, no people.  Just motions. if I could go back and do it all over again I'm not sure I would. if I had just died in kindergarten the only sadness Id know was getting sand in my eyes. back to work now.   lunch is over. I didn't eat. I'm hungry but couldn't bring myself to go to the cafeteria. kind of like the hunger pain. It'sthe only thing left I feel besides emptiness.

cant wait to spend it with you..fucker

" happy new year to you too! can't wait to spend it with you. xo! ps come back to my coast please!" from ex-girlfriend to best friend.  I read the words like there were on fire.  I immediately felt an overwhelming sense of shock and awe and before i knew it forgot how to breathe. as i read this facebook post over and over again the only thing i could think of was " i am a motherfucking idiot" could it be? could i be the other woman yet again? had he been vomiting all the same words to her as he was to me? telling her she was special, that she was perfect.  the whole time he's telling me that she's annoying and they fight all the time and he doesnt want to be with her. does he say that about me to her?  was that whole week just a fling to him? so he could get laid and his dick sucked while he was on the west coast? different hoes in different area codes.  my mind raced. he told me he only talked to her once since we started talking and that they didnt do anything. for the last 1.5 months since we hooked up over thanksgiving that i was the only girl he had even kissed. was i stupid to believe him? he's my best friend, my twin, he's never lied to me in our lives.  he told me he liked me since he was 12. was that a lie?  was EVERYTHING A TOTAL BULLSHIT CRAPSHOOT LIE! i dont know what to think. and the lack of oxygen reaching my brain was not helping. i start hyperventilating.  i get up and stagger to the bathroom and grab the sink handles. i think im going to vomit, or collapse, or both.  i start crying, i start screaming.  i was willing to be his friend. i thought he was confused. just a few days ago i said that i would be there for him in his time of need.  he played me. he played me good. maybe he did like me. then he stopped liking me after i hurt him in boston so many years ago. and he saw my weakness after my last break up as a perfect opportunity to swoop in and break me.  that is what i am. just broken.  what do you do when the man you're falling for stabs you in the back. what do you do when that man is also the one who is supposed to pick  you up.  you just fall, bleeding, hitting the ground hard and laying there getting colder and colder bleeding to fucking death.  i cant believe he played me.  he would say now that im jumping to conclusions. he leaves me no choice. he wont talk to me, wont pick up the phone, wont return my calls. if he wont tell me what is going on i have no choice but to conclude myself.  i pick up the phone to call him, still crying and it goes straight to voicemail. i call again...voicemail. i call my best girlfriend and she doesnt pick up. i cry. i scream. how is this happening to me? HOOOOWWW is this possible? how can someone you've known your whole life spew such nonsense only to take it all back the moment shit gets real.  well its real. reality is your best friends dont love you, dont trust anyone even your own family, and ill end up alone with a bunch of cats dying from being allergic to their hair.  i look at the facebook post again. "xo" fuck you bitch he hates you. or maybe he hates me too. "cant wait to spend it with you" what do you mean with you he spent both holidays and a whole week with me this month! fuck her, fuck him, fuck everyone. i am going to live in a hole in my apartment. i dont want to date. i dont want to get back out there. guys are assholes. cant even trust someone you grew up with as kids to not just follow his dick and say hey this is an opportunity to fuck my best friend that i cant pass up cause itd be a great story. my bros and i will laugh about this later when i got both these girls hearts on a string waiting for me. fuck you. im not waiting for shit. you can just cut my heart off that string. my heart belongs to no one. i dont have one left. im done giving, done caring, done loving. i check facebook again and it says he's eating dinner with his mom and one of his friends.  and while he's munching on bread and having merry conversation he has no idea the darkness ive descended into nor does he ask or care.  so go on, eat, drink, be merry. one of us has to, and i guess its too much to ask for it to be me.

twin

i contemplated calling you today. i woke up this morning and looked at my phone. no "good morning" text. no "have a great day!" nothing. just spam and work emails. oh the conundrum of adulthood. luckily i was too tired to be upset about it and just drove to work. not singing along to the radio, not dancing to "thrift shop" at work. i blasted the music so loud when i was opening this morning to drown out the sound of my own thoughts. what did i do wrong? like seriously? who knew being myself was such a major turn off? or maybe it was nothing i did. maybe it was something she did.  its possible i was totally being my usual charming self but she was being her unusual charming self and caught your attention? i dont know. i dont want to play this game. i guess this is punishment for all the games i played on men when i was younger. the senior scramble as they call it. get as many flings in as you can before you enter grown-upville and have to be a responsible committed individual retiring your player-ish ways less you be deemed an immature prick.  my friend is right. i must let you go find your way. there's so much going on in your life. i remember when i was in your shoes. the chaos, the confusion. being torn between what you love and what makes you comfortable. since what you love is often what scares the shit of you it makes sense to run..i know i did. ran all the way back home into a little hole under someones house, living on an old futon and donated furniture where the nights were always cold and the fridge always empty.  its scary out there. you're comfortable now.  being with someone whose been there for so long, being in a place you've been for so long. but your life is about to take a huge turn. i dont see that relationship lasting. i see it more of a security blanket. you know one day you'll have to let go. but in spite of all the tumultuous change of not knowing where you're going, what you'll be doing, or who you'll be doing it with you're reluctant to let go of that person whose always wanted you. who will always be there when you look back. 

but its time my love. you have to let go. maybe not for me, but for yourself.  how do you expect a plant to grow if you don't give it a bigger pot?  wherever you end up will be splendid. it'll be crazy and scary and at times totally depressing and you will miss the comforts of your old home, the people, the places, the girlfriend. you'll miss the security, the predictability.  and it hurts me to say this. it hurts me so unbelievably bad to admit that you're right to not know about us.  you're right to not know about anything right now.  just go with the flow and let the river take you wherever you'll be going.  and hopefully thats to me but theres a real possibility it wont.  and even though i can see us together in the future i cannot predict it.  its very possible that my life might take me even further away from yours (though i dont see how thats possible unless i leave the country...which i might.)  you know that saying, if you love something let it go and if it comes back to you its yours?  sad but true. you let me go 4 years ago. i vanished into thin air. that whole spring quarter/beginning of nuc med school was such a freaking mess i wouldve given anything to have been talking to you. but i fucked it up. when i needed you the most i pushed you away. im sorry for that as im sure you know since ive apologized a million times (and meant every one).  but im not going to leave you now. not when you need it the most.  the next few months will be a whirlwind. exciting but stressful. and what you need now is not some girl who is jealous of some other girl because some boy may not like her as much as some girl.  what you need is your best friend.  what you need is someone to call and bitch about that other girl, or that stupid project you had to finish. someone to tell when you finally land that interview or move to china or whatever! i will be that someone if you'll still have me.  im pretty sure im falling for you. pretty sure i have been for about 4 years now...ever since boston. but ive waited this long for you and you've waited even longer for me, i don't see why a little more time would hurt :)

Something happened yesterday I never expected to.  I can't say I didnt see it coming since i have a fairly descent intuition, but it hurt way more than i thought it would.  you know that feeling when you're on one of those rides...say dropzone...it brings you up, up, up and you get this excited anxiety that almost makes you wanna throwup if it weren't for your skin you'd go flying in every direction.  its a build, anticipation. and in the moment you linger at the top you can barely contain yourself. then, in an instant, the world just drops out from under you. there's a feeling in your stomach like a kind of weightlessness. and once you hit bottom you say "wow that was crazy." but was it really? I mean you knew what happened on the ride before you got in line. you knew what was gonna happen when you were on your way up, even right before the fall you knew it was coming. so why, tell me why does it always seem like such a Fucking surprise? is it possible to fall for someone you never see? is it possible to be too loving, too sweet, too kind. is it possible the woman he thought you were isn' who you actually are? I never thought my best friend would ever think of new like that. as less than satisfactory. I thought he like me since we were kids. is it possible I got so hyped up in his mind that I was rather disappointing once he had me? I don't know what I did, I'm not sure if I'd do anything differently. all I know is the person I talk to about these things isn't there anymore. the person who always had my back I feel just stabbed it. the person who thought I was wonderful, doesn't think so much anymore. I feel like a huge disappointment. like "yea I rode that ride and it wasn't as fun as it looked." maybe it wasn't meant to be. but tell me. who do you trust when you can't trust your friend. who do you love if not your best friend. who will be by your side of not your twin.