Why wait?

It's been a while hasn't it. I see the last post I made was about a man. He ended up marrying his rebound and I ended up finding someone else too. And while he is blissfully happy living a life that I am glad to not be a part of, I am still...to this day...unhappy. Weirdly there is nothing in my life to be unhappy about. I have a super awesome career that is both rewarding and pays well. I have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me like a queen. I have loving friends, I have since repaired the broken relationship with my mother, and all seems to be going wonderfully. I also have adopted a puppy in the last couple years, one who is sitting beside me as I type right now.  But despite all this, despite the joyous things in my life and the monumental progress I have made in therapy...I am unhappy.  Let me go back a minute.

Last year I met a boy. Not just any boy. The boy I dreamt about when I was younger.  Prince Charming if you will.  He was handsome, fit, intelligent, successful, liked the same things I did, and was always down for whatever adventures I came up with.  All my friends were happy for me and dare I say slightly jealous.  This guy was sheer perfection.  We never argued, never got upset, I never raised my voice once during our entire 6 month relationship.  He was perfect, I was perfect, and together we were perfect.  I had never met anyone like him in my life and I was 100% sure we were going to get married within the year.  I had never been more sure of anything in my life. Knew it in my bones.  He made me want to be a better person.  I was a better person. I was finally the kind of partner I have always wanted to be. Kind, patient, understanding.  Even my coworkers said I was literally GLOWING.

Six months later my dream came to an end.  He stopped speaking to me after our separate but equally timed trips to europe.  After bout 3 weeks he agreed to come with me to my frien'ds bday party then the next morning he told me he was unhappy and didn't want to see me anymore. No why, no how long, he even said we may get back together when he is in a better place in 6 months.  I wonder how that was going to work out seeing as he moved to Colorado 3 months later.  I always wondered why he left. As far as I could tell I was floating along in blissful happiness and eternal sunshine. And then one day, it was as if someone stopped the music and turned on all the house lights. And just like that everyone scattered and the party was over and I was left on the dance floor alone and looking like a fool.  I was hurt...so fucking hurt...confused...id say i even had some PTSD from this trauma.  It took me a year to feel fully normal again. To feel like myself again.  To feel like I wasn't just goin through day by day waking up and going to sleep hoping it was all going to end.  A year of no dating apps, no nothing...Just me trying to love me again.

And then I met you.  My wonderful boyfriend. It was absolute bliss during May and July.  So much so in fact you asked me to be your girlfiend just a month in.  You invited me to your brother's wedding.  I invited you to Europe.  I wasn't in love by any means...I was going to be cautious this time about falling too fast for someone.  But everything was going smoothly.  And then...at some point...it all turned didn't it.  It is not october...id say for the last 2 months we have been solidly argueing at least once a week.  it has progressed now to about 3 times a week and is only getting worse.  I feel like i've been talking to a wall.  like you can't hear me. i also feel like ive been self sabotaging.  i dont know why. its not what i want.  what i want is to be blisffully in love with someone who has the capacity to love me back.  But when  i think abbout love all i think about is loss.  How much it hurt to lose that boy.  How much it hurt to never know what it was that happened or what i did wrong.  to know that even though i was happy and perfect and wonderful, that still somehow it was not enough.  That even at the top of my game and at the best time in my life...I was not enough.  Sometimes, all the time, I think I am not enough.  Not enough for my job promotion, not enough for you, not enough.  I feel unloved and unsupported, and alone.  I am living in a constant fear of rejection and unworthiness.  And it is all because when I had finally found the perfect man, I could not live up to the hype.  That even though I was the best verson of myself, it was inadequate to love.  I don't know if ican do that again . I don't know if I can put all that effort into being the best version of myself and have you tell me it isn't enough.  To love you, commit to you, and have you one day up and leave because it's just not that great.  Because im not that great. I'm sorry for pushing you away. I don't want you to come close, to see me in all my glory, and to think wow...i worked this hard and waited this long for this?  i dont want you to be dissappointed.  i am dissappointed. i am appalled with my behavior lately. i even got into it with my therapist the other day.  i need help. i want to be that perfect partner again. i want to love and accept myself at my best because i am worth loving.  and i want to be my best self for you.  i hope i gain the confidence to get back there one day.  i hope you have the patience to put up with me til then. but i wouldnt blame you if you didnt. afterall we've only been dating for 4 months. and im not entirely sure im worth waiting for..  David didn't...why should you?

Rage, Blame, Shine

what is it called when you have an undying rage against someone? when everytime you think of them tears well up in your eyes and you're just so damn pissed at what they did. i really dont think it was me. i really think it was you. i can honestly say that i put in 110% into this relationship and i left it all out on the table. sure i faltered here and there but fuck man you really screwed this up. i feel like ive spent the last 6 months trying my darnedest to keep us together and you have been trying your hardest to make us fall apart. no not fall, PUSH us apart. you are actively pushing me away and making me hate you but worse than that making me hate myself. you say im selfish, impatient, not understanding, crazy, wrong, unrealistic, and for all intents and purposes unfuckable. you know what you fucking asshole. i am exactly NONE of those things. and when i told you that i have heard from multiple people that i am none of those things you laughed and scoffed at the notion that i may have even an ounce of confidence in myself. as if just because you hate the very air you breathe that i have to somehow hate myself too and then we can both look to each other for validation. its simply not true. maybe it was before because i was so madly in love with you i couldn't see the harm you were causing me. i look back on these blogs posts and i realize that i have been feeling this way since august of LAST YEAR...that is 15 months of feeling unheard, misunderstood, mistreated, underappreciated, taken for granted, unloved, and worst of all unworthy.  fuck you for fucking this up and fuck me for letting myself think for even 1 second that i was anything less than the amazing woman i am. i have patience, incredible patience, ive worked with and changed the lives of dozens of students over the span of 15 years of tutoring. one on one where i can see the change in their eyes when they finally start to get it. theyre so proud and so confident and so happy and thankful that i sat with them night after night never yelling, never expressing disappointment, never criticizing, just sitting patiently waiting for them to learn when they're ready.  i am understanding. of all people im understanding. i worked as a maid scrubbing shit off someone's toilet. me, with my fancy college degree, and nuclear medicine license, and formerly sexy trophy wife body. on my hands and knees scrubbing shit. crying as im cleaning, crying because my body hurts because im up 20 hours a day working 6 days a week and on the 7th i just do homework but at least i get to sit.  i understand unemployment, homelessness, disappointed mothers, absentee fathers, a family torn apart by oceans and languages and culture. i understand that when a person has absolutely nothing is when you really get to see what theyre made of.  and even when i lost all hope i woke up everyday and kept going.  many times i thought about quitting but i never did. not for 1 day. but you did didn't you.  one day it just got so hard that you decided you were now going to put in zero effort to keep going. it was too hard, you were too sad, you didn't love yourself, you felt depressed and defeated. and everytime i tried to lift you up you accused me of pushing you down. when i tried to give you warmth and comfort you told me to fuck off. you are miserable because you CHOSE to be miserable.  you chose to push me away, to not express yourself, to hide behind the world as if the world caused your problems when in reality you got dealt a bad hand and you refused to play with it.  i will never be quiet, i will never use my inside voice, i will not be less crude or less overtly sexual or less of anything really. i will never lose my passion or my fervor or my thirst for ambition and life. and even if you take away everything from me. even when im crawling on the ground, literally, gained 20 lbs, havent seen my family in nearly a year or my friends, i will never lose my love for life. i made a decision a long time ago to NOT end my life. because my life was worth something and i was going to make sure that it would be worth a lot more. so no i will not change, not for you, not for my mom, not for anyone. im not the one who is depressed. im not the one who is miserable. im not the one who has friends who dont know me. im not the one who fakes a smile everyday just to keep up appearances. i am who i am and i am PROUD. i worked hard through blood, sweat, and tears so many fucking tears to be where i am today and there is no fucking way in hell im changing all that for you.  if you're not happy with your life then YOU change it. dont ask someone else to change who they are to make you happy. your happiness is your choice and only you can make that decision. i am done. i am done. i am done. and now that we're over, now that i've told you that i am worth more than you know but i guess you'll never get to find out. now you want what you can't have. now you miss me. now you feel the cold of the world that i was previously trying to shelter your from when you rejected my support. now you miss the affection when before you literally pushed me off you. now with the "i love you"s and the "just calling to catch up" bullshit. its all fake. i know its fake. because i know how good you are at keeping up appearances. i aint falling for that shit no more. i want a life partner who is confident in who they are. they are happy they are fufilled they are beautiful just the way they are and they are just looking for someone to light up the night sky with. i am looking for a star. a beautiful brightly shining blazing star. because thats what i am. i am a star and the spotlight is on me and im looking for someone to duet with, not a fucking back up singer. if you aren't even the lead in your own movie, how can you expect to get the girl? clean your act up. figure out who you are. stop blaming me for your problems. figure out where you're going and how you're going to get there. i pray, i pray that one day you may shine as brightly as i know you have the potential to. but i am not going to let you put out my light just to make yours seem brighter. step up or step back. do or do not, there is no try.

Dear Stan

Dear Stan,

I've never posted names before because I like to keep certain things private.  However, seeing as no one reads this blog and I feel this directly correlates to you, I'll start with "dear stan."  First I would like to say that I love you.  Not in the way that I loved my boyfriend's in the past.  I'm not going to lie, I'm an emotional person and I tend to fall in love easily.  Usually I love certain traits or qualities of a person and when the nuance of that ends I lose interest.  Not going to lie, sometimes it's just lust. But you, I love you.  I love you in a way that one loves their best friend.  Sometimes you love them so much and you see them hurting themselves and you just want to shout out them "you could be so much more, why don't you see you the way I see you!"  But that's just the thing isn't it.  It doesn't matter how much I love you if you don't love you.  I know you're going through a hard time right now with work and school and your property and probably a bunch of other things I don't know about because you're prideful.  You once told me that you don't like to tell me your problems because you were taught in physical therapy to rely on yourself.  Funny isn't it?  You go to physical therapy to help you regain physical strength because you can't do it on your own and then they say do it on your own.  But I'm not sure you grasp the meaning.  This is not a lecture, you are doing nothing wrong, you're just doing it the hard way.  Doing it completely on your own would be like trying to heal yourself after you broke your back.  You needed surgeons, nurses, techs, therapists, all the tools and expertise of the people you specifically hired to make you better.  Sure you could've just tried to let your back heal on it's own but honestly it would severely limit your range of motion.  That's what I am.  I am not here to tell you how to live your life or what you should do.  I am here to support you and help you achieve the goals you wish to achieve.  You wanna walk again? Let's make that happen.  You wanna be a financial adviser?  Let's make that happen.  I love you in a way that I want you to succeed even if that means it's going to be tough and you're going to be unhappy until you achieve your goals.  I love you so much that I want you to be happy even if that means I'm not in the picture.  I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness to make yours happen.  Call it crazy or whatever but it's how I feel.  Right now you're mad at me.  You've been mad at me a lot this last month.  The weird thing is that we were doing really well before your birthday.  I actually thought we were out of the dark times and our relationship was finally on the track I wished it to be on.  Then the whole picture fiasco happened.  Then meeting the parents fiasco.  Then Colorado fiasco.  Then the brother fiasco.  Then the stomach flu fiasco.  And now what I'll call the everyday fiasco.  If I so much as express the smallest amount of "not esctatic-ness" I immediately get a "what's wrong with you" type expression.  Dude, nothing's wrong with me.  You are upset and therefore you are projecting that madness onto me, thinking that with every breath I take I'm somehow accusing you of being less than.  The other day you did something that hurt my feelings.  You spent all your energy trying to convince me that you did not do that thing that hurt my feelings that you forgot the most and only important thing.  I WAS HURT!  I was hurt when you didn't delete that picture. I was hurt when you didn't appreciate the sacrifice I had to make going to meet you parents. I was hurt when you got upset that I tried to put make up on and look pretty for you.  I was hurt when yet again you did not want to have sex with me, like I'm a fucking leper.  I was hurt when you told me randomly that I needed to "lay off you" when I was just taking pictures of the fucking mountains.  I was hurt when you got mad that you had to take care of me when I was sick.  I was hurt that you left me at the bar. I was hurt that you put in the most minimal passive effort to make sure I was safe.  I was hurt when you told me to get the fuck out.  I was hurt when I told you that I wanted to break up with you because I know that's a lie but I said it because I feel it is the only thing that I could've said to convey how hurt I was.  And still, even with all of that, I am hurt that you are currently not talking to me.  I am hurt that you are currently debating whether or not you still want to be with me.  I am hurt that yet again I am questioning my value and worth because although I think I am a great girlfriend I don't seem to be appreciated.  I am hurt that you are pushing me away because you're so stressed at work and with everything else that you are poisoning our relationship wtih your unhappiness.  I am hurt that I am unable to make you happy.  Mostly though, out of everything, I am hurt that you have hurt me and don't seem to acknowledge that you've hurt me.  Even reading this now, I am sure that you are thinking of all the arguements that you could present to tell me that "that's not what you meant" or "you didn't say that" or "I'm not satisfied with the effort you put in and that's my problem."  Why so focused on placing blame?  Why so focused on who is right and who is wrong and combing through past texts to try and hash it out.  Who the fuck cares.  The biggest and most generous thing you can do for someone you love is to sacrifice your pride for the benefit of their emotions.  I've apologized to friends before for things that I clearly did nothing wrong because the point is it doesn't matter if I thought I was right.  My friend is in pain and for some reason they have decided to associate that pain with an action I did and that is enough reason for me to apologize to ease their pain and give them peace.  Yo

Disappointment

Disappointment.  It's a scary word.  I actually think it's one of the scariest words in the English language.  Do you have any idea how many ideas, actions, words, emotions are driven by that one evil idea of disappointment.  Disappointing someone, yourself, everyone, the general public. If you think about how many times a day you think about pleasing someone else you'd realize you're a complete wuss.  A pathetic push over who is constantly seeking and hoping for appraisal from someone...anyone really. I'll give you an example.  I used to be a big bad ass bitch who didn't take shit from no one and thought that I didn't care what other people thought of me and I just did what I want.  The other day a patient randomly pulled me aside to tell me that she thought the way in which I answered her question was with too much attitude and that I needed to change my tune.  I apologized politely as instructed by our online training modules and sent her on her merry way. But here is what really went down.  This fucking raging bitch monster had the nerve to ask me a question while I was in the middle of helping another patient and then was angry when I could not take the time to answer her questions in a flowery prose immediately because, you know, I was with another patient.  So although I answered her questions (thoroughly and informatively) she didn't like the way in which I said it.  She in fact, hated it so much, she took it upon herself to take up more of my time (while still actively trying to help this other patient) to tell me that she thought my attitude needed working on.  WTF.  Lady, this is not elementary school and you are not my mother.  You have absolutely zero right to pull me aside in the middle of MY FUCKING WORK DAY to tell me I have an attitude problem.  You have a problem, go to my boss or write a fucking note like a little bitch.  You have no authority over me and you do not pay my fucking bills bitch.  Even knowing all of this and thinking all of this in my head, I couldn't help but be hurt by what she said.  Here I am literally working my ass off, running around, saving lives, and with a fantastic smile to boot and she has the audacity to poo poo my attitude because for 5 seconds I was less than subservient.  I walked around the rest of the day all mopey because some random bitchy stranger told me I was doing a bad job.  I'm sure the same thing has happened to you, to all of us.  Even though we say we don't care, how many of us can truly take criticism and let it roll off those emotional shoulders.

Here's another example, my mom decided that she for some reason is still not satisfied with the amount of money I make.  I will like to point out that I just told her I got a $20,000 raise and she literally says, ok but what are you going to do to make more money. Seriously woman, can't you just say congratulations like everyone else?  I told her three different ideas I had to make more money and she decided to spend the next 3 hours peppering me with questions and poking holes in all 3 of my ideas.  Instead of telling her in the first minute, that these are just ideas I had and that I refuse to answer any criticizing questions about them, I spent 3 hours trying to convince my mom that they were ideas worth having.  Somehow I found myself trying to convince her that my salary was more than enough to live a comfortable lifestyle for a whole fucking damn family.  Disappointment.  She will always be disappointed in me.  Her lack of approval is what drove me my entire life to try and gain that approval.  And even though my therapist says that it is not my job to impress her it still feels like it is.  Like a Pavlovian response I am addicted to trying to make her happy.  Every smile, every head nod, everytime she says "good" is like a small victory.  Why do I care so much?  I make plenty of money to support my life style and I think my ideas are fucking fantastic.  So why does it matter whether she likes it or not?  I am not asking her for any fiscal or time investment.  I am not asking her to be a part of this adventure.  I am telling her my life goals and somehow it's important whether or not she approves of MY life goals?  Come on girl.  We all do it, kids want to please their parents.  Wars have been fought because of this.

We need to stop letting people run our lives. Stop caring about what they think or say.  Politely acknowledge that their opinion is different from yours and instead of trying to prove them wrong or right or whatever, just brush your shoulders off.  And not just say that we don't care, but to live it as well.  It's hard.  I believe I just found my New Year's Resolution,  Everytime I find myself in a situation where I'm trying to defend myself to the other person I will simply stop talking, agree to disagree, and move on.  Clearly if I am in a defensive stance it is because I see you in an offensive stance.  A mature productive conversation cannot happen if one is attacking the other.  This is no longer a discussion and now an argument.  No more arguments.  If i feel defensive, I will shut my mouth and kill that argument.  You can't argue by yourself.  And if I refuse to participate in trivial he said ,she said, im right, youre wrong, blah blah blah then I am above it all.  Rise above the bullshit honey, 2017.  

Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

Let me first start by saying that I love you.  I don't know who you are yet but I know for a fact that I love you.  For better or worse, for richer or poorer, for all of your highs and lows, triumphs and defeats.  I will always love you unconditionally.  I will treat you with respect and dignity and generosity.  I will always have the best intentions and will never maliciously attack or hurt you.  I promise to try my very best each and every day to make our lives as beautiful as I imagine it could be and I will never stop trying.  But here comes the hard truth....I am human.

This means sometimes I get mood swings and pouty.  Sometimes I'll get sad for no reason.  Could be I remembered some horrible memory from childhood, could be I just saw a sad puppy video.  Sometimes I'll want to talk incessantly, but sometimes (although more rarely) i'll just want to sit in my misery because it's the only way i know how to process it.  Sometimes I'll get mad at you for doing some dumb ass shit and I'll react inappropriately or immaturely.  I will regret it immediately, but the damage is already done.  Sometimes I will be hangry, or homonal, or just having a shitty day at work.  Sometimes I dont know what the fuck im doing im just trying to get through life.  I will make mistakes and have defeats and things may not turn out exactly as I wanted.  The take away here is that I'm not perfect.  I never will be no matter how hard I try and that is ok.  What makes you my future husband versus any other man on this planet is that you will love and accept me for all of my strengths and weaknesses.

I will need you to forgive my mistakes, accept my apologies, hug me when im sad, enthusiastically celebrate when i triumph.  Revel in my glory and grumble in my defeats.  I need to know that you always have my back and that you will always be there for me no matter what happens.  I need to know you love me unconditionally as I love you.  I need to know that I am good enough, that me, just me in all my misshapen glory, am good enough.

I grew up with a mother who never thought i was good enough. Most likely it's because she thought she was never good enough and that was because her mother thought she was never good enough.  The cycle continues.  I am working hard everyday to love and accept myself.  To know that I am wonderful and vivacious and worth loving and having.  I am learning at a slow and steady pace to unconditionally love myself.  To forgive my weakness, to love my flaws, and to accept my limitations.  I was raised to be the best version of myself, which in my mother's eyes is practically perfect in every way.  However, I am not.  I never will be.  That is ok.  But as I am here learning to love and accept myself for who I am, I need a man who will also love and accept me rather than undermine my progress by feeding doubt into my mind.

 For example, I fucked up today.  I over reacted to something that you said that was mean. Sure what you said was mean and uncalled for, but what I said was equally uncalled for and arguably more mean. I wanted to hurt you because you had hurt me and in that moment I just went with my gut and not my brain and I regretted it immediately.  I called you to apologize and you ignored my call.  When you ignore someone you are essentially telling them that they do not deserve the opportunity to fix what they have broken.  They are so unworthy or your time and energy that you cannot even bring yourself to passively listen to their sad, pathetic attempt to right the wrong they have done.  So when you send that call to voicemail thinking, I don't want to talk to her right now, what you're really saying is YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO ME.  Just because you have nothing to say does not mean I have nothing to say. You could just passively listen.  My future husband cannot have this reaction.  I wouldn't.  I always give people the chance to apologize.  I know how hard it is to say you're wrong and how much it hurts when the other party says, I don't care that you're trying to make this better it WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH so stop fucking trying.  I got this from my mom everyday of my life for everything I have ever tried to do. It hurts, it conditions you to hate yourself and to think you only have one shot to do everything and if you fuck it up there is no going back you are just a fucking loser.  That is a lot of pressure to put on yourself.  I am already battling this shit on my own I do not need you to put even more pressure on me to be perfect.

In conclusion, my future darling,  I love you.  More importantly, I forgive you.  Even if you don't forgive me, I still forgive you.  Because I can't carry around this burden that I am just not good enough.  I cannot carry this pressure that no matter what I do you will only love me under the specific circumstances that you would like to love me under.  How am I supposed to fit that mold?  How is anyone supposed to fit that mold?  It's simply not fair or feasible and I would never do that to you, so I expect you not to do that to me.  I am not perfect.  I am human.  I am angry and frustrated that you are mad at me for being me.

I AM FUCKING FABULOUS AND IF YOU DON'T SEE THAT THEN YOU DON'T DESERVE MY LOVE....WHICH IS FREAKING LOVELY!

Sincerely,
Victoria Niles

its late and im up

its 11pm and i am nowhere close to falling asleep. its been like this for about a few weeks now. the uncertainty and instability of our relationship is negatively affecting my life.  my coworker asked me today what was wrong with me. i said i was tired, and she said "yea it looks like you could use some rest."  i think she thinks i look physically tired but i am more mentally and emotionally drained than anything physical.  you see i am in love with you.  i am in love with you and you claim to love me too but your actions dont match your words.  you kicked me out of your house after you promised you wouldnt, you told me we were just friends and then you fucked me, you told me you wanted to give us one more chance and then you unfairly judged me when i was still trying to get my shit together, you say you dont want a relationship then you accidentally call me your girlfriend, you say that we're dating but only casually, you tell me that you cant and wont give me 100% even though  i deserve it, you say the ball is in my court but i always feel like its in yours.  these are not things you do to someone you love.  and maybe im focusing only on the negatives, but at this point the negatives so far out weigh the positives that i dont even recognize them anymore.  i want to feel free to love you, not guilty.  i want to miss you and call you and be with you without wondering whether or not you feel the same way or if youre just talking to me because you feel obligated and you dont actually give a shit about what i have to say.  i want to stop crying every single fucking night and almost everyday because i love you so much it physically pains me to think you dont feel the same way and the only way for me to release that pain is with tears.  im so tired, so very tired of trying to convince you im worth fighting for.  you say im the best, you say i deserve love and devotion and 100%.  you say that its not fair for you to string me along while you decide whether or not you want to be with me.  yet here we are, sleeping together, dating, stringing me along.  you said you want to "See where it goes."  ive known you for 9 months and lived with you for 3.  i know things about you that you probably dont even know.  uve seen me at my worst and at my normal but u have never experienced me at my best.  u dont know what that looks like, but trust me its worth the wait.  we are so past the point of "Seeing where it goes."  if you want to take it slow, fine.  if you want to just flirt and date like we used to, fine.  but at this point in time you should know me well enough to know if you want to be with me or not.  casual dating and fucking around is reserved for people who dont know what they want. i am at a point where i want a man who knows what he wants, and i want that to be me.  i want him to say, this is the girl id like to be with. i can see our lives together and she is the best thing since sliced bread.  now how are we going to work on this so that we can both get there, to the point where we are fully committed, devoted, in love and happy with each other.  what can i do to help make that happen.  a real man would be able to say those things, to be able to admit them to himself.  the kind of man i want to be with will be able to say those things to me.  how could you not know if you want to be with me.  for fuck's sake we lived together, you really still debating whether or not you wanna fuck some other chick?  dude, go, fuck her, have fun, endlessly searching for side chick after side chick hoping she'll fulfill that empty hole ive left behind. she never will.  because a casual chick that you're just sort of seeing where things go with is not going to pick up your calls in the middle of the night. she is not going to make you dinner when youve had a long day. she is not going to help you navigate your job or your investments or your parents.  she is not going to "be the one who got away" or mother your fucking children.  she is never going to be good enough because she will never try.  and she will never try because you arent putting in the motherfucking effort.  it hurts you know, it hurts me everyday to think that ive put my heart and soul into this relationship and you cant even put in enough effort to make a god damned decision.  its one thing if ur like i just dont feel it and i dont love u.  its another thing to say oh, i know youve been trying but i just still dont know, can you keep trying while i make up my mind eventually or never?  fuck it, i dont care what you call it. boyfriends, girlfriend, serious relationship, casual relationship, 100%.  i deserve and want someone who is fully committed to trying to make it work with me.  because that is what love is, the choice to work on something beautiful with someone that YOU CHOSE.  people say we dont choose who we love, but we do.  we dont choose who we lust after, but to love someone deeply and truly and commit to them, those are all choices.  choices that i have made and choices that you are delaying.  call it what you will, i thought putting a title on us would mean that you made your choice but it didnt.  you felt forced, you did it anyways because you're a coward, and thought it would buy you more time to choose.  well i dont care about titles anymore.  i care about actions.  you want me, come get me bitch. im out *mic drop*

break ups

i didn't cry as much this time as i normally do.  i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing.  i dont know if maybe i saw it coming or maybe im so depressed with everything else that's happening in my life that this is just one more turd to the shit pile.  i dont know if maybe im just getting better at being dumped.  i have a routine.  i call off sick the next day and watch nothing but romantic comedies as i eat butter pecan ice cream and order in chinese take out.  usually involves drinking a couple bottles of wine my best red-headed friend and talking about how stupid my ex is and how he'll be so sorry he left me.  is that sad?  that ive been dumped so many times that it has become routine.  am i destined to fail at every relationship ill ever have just like my mother?  she is so insufferable her own children hate her.  the true definition of dying alone.  no friends, no family, no lovers, just empty never ending infinite darkness and nothingess.  she even told me to not be surprised if my best friend betrayed me in the future.  that i should expect and plan for it to happen.  i mean is that my fate?  to be so cynical that mistrust and disloyalty become not only routine but expected?

ill hand it to this last one though, at least he didn't dump me between thanksgiving and my birthday again.  worst time of the year for me, too many bad break ups.  i want to cry.  i want to eat ice cream.  but i cant.  mom's still here and so are the painters and the delivery people and the installers and contractors.  there's still work to do and things to finish and none of that will get done while im crying.  u know whats worse?  is that it is so obvious that i am crying and my mom just gives no shits. not even a rhetorical "are you ok?"  just the "i called you but you didnt pick up there are decisions you need to make about the door why haven't you made them oh my god you are so dramatic im so glad im leaving tomorrow"  me too mom, in fact i wish you'd leave today but then i have no one to be home for the range installer. almost makes me want to live without a stove. i would have my boyfriend to help but i dont have that anymore.

i did see this coming, we have been fighting a lot, and just recently agreed to take some space which i have now learned = death of relationship. he says ive changed.  he says his friends say ive changed.  what do they know about me.  did they even try to get to know me.  of course ive changed.  i just undertook the biggest project of my life outside of college.  its a miracle no one died. but yes, lets see if they stay the same when they get challenged with something.  who knows, maybe i would revert back to my normal self after this is all over. i guess they'll never find out because they never gave me a chance. i want to do laundry i want to go to the grocery store i want to get back to my normal life.  but i cant.

is it bad to drink wine and cough syrup? cause im also sick and i pulled an intercostal muscle so dealing with that sharp agonizing pain.  do i move on?  do i move forward? do i tell myself that im going to work on myself and finish up my projects and then go on vacation and be alone for a while?  he's leaving the country you know.  why do all my ex's leave countries?  for an indefinite amount of time too.  like they date me, realize how immature they are, then leave the country to find themselves...none have returned so far.  all having too much fun being all over the world fucking all random girls and drinking all night. he's taking a sabatical.  i want one.  but my job has a policy about unpaid vacation time. we don't get any.  so i have to finish all my projects, (remodel, timeshare rental) then save up enough money and vacation time to leave again. he says he still loves me.  but he cant keep stringing me along while he figures his shit out.  makes sense, i have learned in the 28 years being here that love is not what makes the relationship last.  (to be frank, im not sure what does)  3 times ive been dumped in this apartment. now that the remodel is finished, being dumped will be one of my first memories.  this remodel has cost me my sanity, my money, my time, and my relationship.  but hey, at least i have my home to keep me warm at night.

He Can't Hear Me

I'm in love with a man who can't hear me.  Maybe it's on purpose, maybe it's through no fault of his own.  Whatever the reason, he can't hear me.  Can't hear me when I'm happy or sad or crying or mad.  He can't hear my life shattering into a billion pieces.  He can't hear the sound of me gasping for air and splashing about as I slowly drown in my own ambitions.  He can't hear me when I'm calling for help, when I need a hug, when I need a friend.  He can't hear me.

I suppose I shouldn't complain.  There are millions, no billions, of people in this world who have it way worse than me.  No running water, no clean food, genocide, oppression, slavery. I should feel #blessed to be in America, the land of the over indulged and entitled  millennials.  I should be thankful that I have a boyfriend who loves me at all, regardless of how inappropriate he is with other women.  I should be grateful that I even have a roof over my head...had a roof over my head.  I should be hopeful that even in my darkest hour I still had food to put on my plate most days and I never got anything worse than shingles and a couple tumors.  I guess it's the idea of I should be happy that my life isn't as bad as some people's.  The truth is, I think all those things are bad.  Yes, some of them are worse than others.  But should we really be happy with our lives just because it's not as shitty as it possibly could be?  Should someone be happy to have a mother that beats them because at least they're not orphaned and living on the street?

I have been homeless now for 9 weeks.  Tomorrow starts week 10.  I have in fact been crashing in my boyfriend's room for over 2 months, with everyday the space getting smaller and smaller and smaller.  I can feel the air being sucked out of my lungs and the light being drained from my soul.  There are many reasons for this.  Or should I say, theories.  1. we moved in together too soon.  2. we are both stressed out with unrelated issues.  3. we have communication problems.  4. we're from very different cultures.  5. he's just bad at relationships and so am i.  6. these are all fucking excuses and the real reason this relationship isn't working is because it isn't working.

Pause.  Am I really doing this right now.  Am I really letting the love of my life go.  Is he even the love of my life or was I so desperate to date someone who wasn't a total loser I picked the first winner I could find even though he may not even be in the same race as me.  Will this all hit me in a month that I really love the guy and that I just ruined my own life because of "irreparable differences."  The truth is I don't know what to do.  My mother always told me not to make big decisions when you're emotional.  Well I'm fucking emotional every god damned day of the week.  So how long do I keep putting off these major decisions?

I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't move.  Everyday I wake up and go through the motions and everyday I pray that nothing more horrible will happen the next day.  Inevitably I wake up the next day and more shit hits the fan so I don't know why I keep praying, it is obviously not working.  I am grateful I get to shit in a toilet, and that I no longer get beaten everyday.  I am grateful that if one day these heart palpitations actually cause harm there is accessible healthcare not too far away.  I am grateful that I have a man that can't hear me, because at least I have one at all....right?

I need to sit down

Hello Interwebs, it has been a while hasn't it.  I just read over some of my old blog posts and I realized that most of them are about boys and sadness.  I guess I use this place as an outlet to get my feelings off my chest when I feel like no one is listening.  Today isn't necessarily about a boy though, it's about many things.  I kind of feel like I'm losing my self worth and identity.  This year I decided to remodel my condo.  I have been wanting to do this for some time and I have finally pulled the trigger.  I started pinteresting like crazy in January, started interviewing contractors in March, broke ground in June, and here we are in August. It's been a long arduous journey and somewhere along the way I lost it.  I lost what make me, me.  I used to see myself as strong, independent, talented, creative, loving, generous, ambitious, beautiful.  Things that used to define me like my awesome roof that I put over my own head, my stellar work performance, my smoothness with the boys, all of it just gone.  I feel right now like I'm operating at about 50%.  So I wouldn't say that's clinical depression level but I'm definitely not optimal. I was dieting last year but quickly gave up on that as the remodel took over every nook and cranny of my brain.  I'm sad to report I'm a soft 135 lbs, which is sad considering my boyfriends is 150lbs.  Realistically when I'm actually working out and in shape and eating right I sit around 120 to 125lbs.  I'm now a size 6, so that's a bust.  Goodbye are the days of the 2's and 4's and 0's are just a dream.  I got in trouble today at work for being late.  I actually was on time but had to stand in the hallway on the phone because my contractor just told me that he won't have my custom door built by next Friday when he has to leave for another job.  So we're gonna put in some other door which is not what I want and then he'll fix me a door when he gets back in 2 months.  I've had nothing but issues for the last few weeks.  Everyday it's the sink, the floor, the HOA, the turtles, the boyfriend, the job, the everything.  For fuck's sake the only thing that's held together these last few months has been my car, Gavin *knocks on wood*.  Honestly, I don't know what to do.  When people ask me what's wrong, my response is just "everything."  Then they ask what they can do to help, and I say "nothing really, I can't even help it myself." 

Sometimes you just get problems in life that you can do nothing about.  You tackle each one day by day and as the problems grow and the trouble arises and all your plans fall to ashes you start to lose belief in yourself.  You start to lose that sparkle, your edge, that drive to achieve this amazing goal you have set for yourself.  It is at these points that people turn to friends or family for support and encouragement.  We all know my mother is not one for this.  She could give negative fucks about encouragement.  She is about making sure you know every single mistake you made ever in your entire life and why you are such a loser for making said mistakes because nobody makes mistakes, just you.  So I haven't really been talking to her much for lack of will to be yelled at.  My best friends right now are buys with their own shit.  One just went through a serious break up and the other just went through a serious career altering epic plunge and is desperately trying to get her life back together.  I don't want to burden them with my problems because they have enough shit to deal with.  My boyfriend is trying to be supportive, I think, but he's not super good at it.  He also is hypercritical and enjoys pointing out my flaws.  Like fuck, I get it, I fucked up, can we not dwell on that at the moment? Like fucking let me fix this and when it is fixed then we think about what happened and how we can do it better next time.  So I do feel utterly alone and helpless most days.  I have to remind myself that I am strong and that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to, but realistically these are just words.  "Fake it til you make it." 

I'm running out of steam and stamina.  8 months now I've been thinking of this remodel.  8 months of should I go with the bay waves grey or the Saturday mist grey.  8 months of if I move this wall here and put this over there will I burst a pipeline or a drain.  8 months of why is my turtle tank always dirty no matter what I do.  8 months of can I really afford a $3600 AC system and does it matter if it's affordable if it is necessary.  8 months of living at Lowe's and Home Depot.  8 months of kitchen design and bathroom design and what fucking tiles do I want as a backsplash.  8 months of how high should the wainscoting be and what about the decorative ribbon and the bullnose and the edging and the countertop and the drawer handles and the vanity that won't fit and the tub without the curved door.  8 months of how is this fucking closet going to work and why aren't these the doors I ordered.  I'm tired, so tired, and I feel like no one understands.  People get tired with a couple decisions.  I deal with decisions all day at work, life dependent decision.  Then I go to Lowe's and deal with more decisions.  Then I come home and have to come up with dinner and plans and even more fucking decisions.  My brain cannot make anymore decisions.  I am done.  I am sorry love of my life, but I am done.  My work decisions are important to keep my job.  My remodel decisions are important to make sure my home is livable again.  I can't make any more decisions about our relationship.  I feel bad, but it needs to be done.  I need you to take the driver's seat.  I need you to be captain of the team because your co-captain is motherfucking out on sick leave.  I am no longer fit for duty.  I know you're dealing with a lot at work and your property and you have just as many decisions to make.  I hope for the both of us that you are stronger than me and bigger than me because I can't be at the helm anymore.  I need to go sit down.
 

I weighed myself this morning for the first time in years.  I knew I gained a little weight because my clothes were much tighter than I remember them being.  Not to the point where I have to buy a new wardrobe but definitely at the point where my clothes do not look like they did when I bought them.  141.6lbs.  WHAT.  I remember the last time I weighed this much was in 2010.  July of 2010 I graduated Nuclear Medicine School and must've gained 20-30lbs during the program.  I was so sick of how everything didn't fit that I went on a crazy diet, started running, and focused..focused on dropping those stupid stubborn pounds of me being a stressed out lazy ass.  I am currently a stressed out (not lazy) but extremely busy ass.  So I'm thinking I literally don't have time at the moment to work out.  And people say you can find 30 minutes everyday and I literally can't...I barely have time to sleep.  SOOO I took a look at my current diet.

Breakfast: Latte, eggs, bacon (or maybe a donut)
Lunch: Pasta, rice, something inevitably carby, soda
After work snack: spaghetteo's, bao, sometimes vegetables
Dinner: Pasta, ramen, dumplings, juice
(sometimes) Second Dinner: More pasta, rice balls, dessert

I have ice cream at least once a week, I constantly eat within 3 hours of my bed time.  And i don't drink water cause that stuff is disgusting.

So obviously my diet is atrocious.  Gotta change stuff.  So every week I'm going to change something about my diet to improve my quality of eating. 

Week 1: DON'T DRINK YOUR CALORIES...this means switch coffee to green tea/yerba mate and no more soda...not one drop of the fizzy goodness

i love you boy, but i can't do this anymore

you know, they say that men and woman can't be friends.  thats theres always someone with an ulterior motive. my mom always says youre single until youre not and i always say an ex is an ex for a reason.  and yet with all this wonderful advice flowing my way i cant help but ignore all of it.  because the heart wants what the heart wants and what the heart wants most is to be loved.  love, its a sickness i tell u, a systemic disease that infects every part of your soul.  theres no cure, theres no antidote, for fucks sake theres not even a treatment to help cure the symptoms.  love is like a cold, u just have to wait it out til it goes away and until then ur fucking miserable.  like, in bed, down in the dumps, stuffy nose, achy throat, no appetite, no will to get up out of bed, just nothing.  u are down for the count and nobody wants to get near you for fear they may catch whatever horrible tempest of depression is welling up inside of u.  we broke up 2 months ago...almost to the day actually.  its been hard, really hard, much harder than i thought it would be and i am much weaker than i thought i was.  today i broke..just straight up snapped like a twig in two like popping the head off a barbie doll.  u see he invited me to his birthday party at disneyland (a birthday that btw when we were together he insisted on wanting to spend completely alone *cough cough* aka not with me) and i was really excited cause this was going to be the first time im seeing his friends since the break up.  i was like, if only i could get them on my side then maybe he'll see how wonderful i am and we can get back together.  he emailed all of us about the itinerary and told us to figure out carpool arrangements.  i asked him if i could carpool with him and he said his car was full.  HIS CAR WAS FULL. are u kidding, he didnt even ask me if i needed a ride he just assumed id magic my way over there by myself.  i snapped.  i told him that i was not cool that he basically alienate me from the group.  you see these are all his friends, his best friends and they all know each other (and most live together)...which means i have no one to carpool with. which means im driving down alone, attempting to find them in the maze that is disneyland, basically being ignored the whole day, then driving home alone.  happiest place on earth my ass.  so i said no, im not going, im not going to play the desperate ex card of someone who just cant get over u so im going to tag along with ur group saying "please pay attention to me!"  nope, just not gonna do it, i want to because i do desperately want you back but i just cant, as a woman, keep my dignity and beg for your attention.  you did this when we were together and its a big reason why i became so angry. u alienate me from you friends and from your life.  u dont want to include me but u feel like u have to.  he said when we broke up that he doesnt want me to feel demoted....im demoted...i mean if we were really friends and i was the one friend who didnt know your other friends you would go out of your way to make sure that i wasnt all awkward and to make the transition comfortable.  but no...im not ur friend, im not the girl u like, im not anyone..im ur pitiful sad sorry ex that everyone wishes would just go away already.  me...ME...u know some people have told me that im the strongest person they know, that ive overcome every obstacle in my path and that i have my shit together.  the truth is i have had no other choice.  am i going to kill myself, no but at the same time i cant live in misery like this forever.  i cant go to bed every night dreaming of man that will never be mine, and i cant walk through everyday loving a man who is more concerned with video games and weed than me.  what happened, what happened to us i ask myself almost every 5 seconds.  there was a time not too long ago that you looked at me with total adoration.  like i was the best thing since sliced bread and you could not go through ur day without talking to me...and now...now u cant even look at me. and the worst part is...i have no idea what i did or said to deserve this kind of treatment.  what did i do wrong...god please tell me what i did wrong so if i am ever lucky enough to find another man who adores me that i will not make the same mistake again.  how could u u not know, how could u not notice, i was happy.  i was happy before i met you i was esctatic i thought that my life wouldnt get better and i was content.  and then i met you and the world became brighter and my heart lighter and i didnt even realize that i could shine that brightly.  u brought that out in me..the light.  and then just as fast as u came u left even swifter.  and although my world is still beautiful and my light still bright it will never be as bright as it was when i was with you.  how am i supposed to go back to what i thought was fulfilling life without u in it.  i dont know...i dont know but all i know is all this torturing of me trying to convince you that you love me is exhausting and frankly quite stupid.  maybe u never loved me at all, maybe those looks of adoration i totally made up in my mind, maybe i was so blinded by my love for u that i didnt see u not caring for me at all.  i dont know what to do.  God help me, somebody help me, anybody help me...

2013

There's a new year coming around the corner which of course causes me to pause and reflect upon 2013. what a crazy crazy year.  Many things happened this year that I would like to remember, many that i would like to forget.  Let's start at the beginning shall we?

January: I started dating again.  My last, last ex and I broke up in October and I spent a good majority of the rest of 2012 trying to piece my life together again.  I also booked my flight to Europe.  I decided that 2013 was the year for getting shit done. In January I signed up for OK cupid and started dating again.  Nothing big at first, just a few dates like coffee or a walk with a few guys.  This number slowly dwindled down to two, J and K.  They were complete opposites.  One was sweet and caring, thoughtful, innocent, naive. The other was a total player and womanizer and honestly I'm not entirely sure why I dated him but there you have it.  A good boy and a bad boy.

February:  Good Boy K took me out for valentine's day to this bar/restaurant in lil tokyo.  it was actually quite lovely. Bad Boy J asked me to be his girlfriend, I said no.  Said I wasn't ready for a relationship blah blah blah. I don't really remember anything significant happening in February other than the progression of life.  Also obsessively reading books and planning my Europe trip.  and by planning I mean trying to decided between which awesome place and which stupendous place i wanted to see.

March:  O V why, why must you do this to yourself. This was the month that I dumped good boy k.  not sure why i did it.  i met his friends for the first time and they were all wonderful ppl.  just really good people for a really good boy.  i honestly think its cause the sex was bad.  or maybe it was because he was too innocent and pure for someone as fucked up as me to ruin.  but i guess i already did that..brava v brava. This was also the month the bad boy j went to thailand.  we skyped while he was over there and i thought i really liked him.  mind u this was after he decided he wanted to dump me cause i didnt give him enough blow jobs and i told him to go fuck himself and then he called me back a few days later saying sorry and that he really liked me.  why do i always fall for that shit.  anyway made a mistake, dumped good boy and stuck with bad boy..classic.

April:  hahahha this is the month that my last last ex and i started talking again.  he basically came to me said he was sorry for how things ended and that i was right and that we should be friends.  i was cautious at first but turns out he is one of my good friends.  guess when u spend that much time with someone its hard not to know them.  this was also the month right before europe..so i spent almost every waking and sleeping moment thinking about my adventures.  i was restless, excited, i could barely keep my composure at work.  i was just soo soo incredibly happy to be leaving the country it seemed that all other problems atm were just so trivial.

May: I went to Europe!!! yes for the whole month of may  I went to europe.  started with my sister's graduation which was epic.  dude private school campus is like freaking gorgeous.  im so proud of her and all the things she's accomplished, cannot wait til she finished her master's program and starts saving the world.  Then I flew to Barcelona.  It was cold and wet and beautiful.  I landed, got on a bus, found my hostel, map in hand and set off on the biggest adventure of my lifetime.   there were times i got horribly lost, thought i was gonna die, didn't have anywhere to sleep, traveled back in time, had a whirl wind romance, touched history, witnessed kindness beyond anything i can explain, and felt kissed by the world.  It was the most amazing experience and though I will travel in the future I will most likely never get to experience again.  After all, nothing is like your first.

June:  I came home all full of zest from my recent journey and everything was wonderful.  I was literally living on a life high and I felt like NOTHING was gonna get me down!! I soon started to lose interest in bad boy j cause, well, he's a bad boy and esp after a couchsurfer moved in with him for 2 months.  long story short her and i became friends, went clubbing together, she crashed at my place, took care of my turtles.  then he decided to fuck her.  so i dumped him, dumped her, was like fuck this shit and went back on ok cupid.  i swear that site is addicting.

July: on of my childhood friends got married!!! it was part of the fourth of july weekend that i spent in norcal, wedding, bbq-ing, shenanigans. It was awesome seeing all those old friends again and reconnecting.  i was still riding high from my eurotrip and recent shedding of horrible bad boy and i rekindled a weird kinda flame with a friend from high school.  anyways, turns how he was moving to michigan and so we decided to talk and skype while he was in france and stuff and we started talking like...a lot.  July 27, 2013 was also the first time I met my most recent ex, D.  I wasn't expecting much honestly but turns out he surprised me, he was magnificent.  and now i had a tough choice to make.

August:  I realize now that most of my blog is made up of me and my boys. Let's get one thing straight.  I have lots of exciting things that happen on a day to day basis with my friends and my adventures.  But these are with people that aren't going anywhere.  The boys in my life are the only ephemeral part.  Everything else, the friends, the family, the parties they all stay the same so there's not much to blog about. I know what to expect from them and they know what to expect from me.  And i love them and I will always love them and i hope they don't show up in this blog because that means something significant has changed in our relationship.  anyway august i started dating D.  I went on a vegas trip with my high school friend that turned into a giant fiasco that I will not get into the details of here but basically he hates me now.  I did not know that at the time so I was happily fallin in love with D.  We went everywhere, disnelyand, magic castle, the body exhibit, we had date after date.  he told me the most wonderful things.  that i was amazing, that he was smitten, that i was the most interesting girl he's ever dated.  so many wonderful things.  i though wow...my life is finally turning around. random eurotrip, great job, great condo, finally healthy again...AND a wonderful guy...well paint me pink and call me silly cause i was HAPPY.

September:  September was a lot like august.  it was a little hard because D decided that instead of taking 3 classes he wanted to take 5 and start a full time job.  great for him, he needed it, he would be wonderful at it, i warned him that i was worried our relationship would suffer...and it did.  no more dates, no more wonderful days spent in the sun, just tired. always tired. and i tried, i really did try to be ok with it...but seeing him made me so happy...and i began to feel like he didnt want to see me, which made me start to panic.

October:  HALLOWEEN!!! the kick off to a seemingly wonderful holiday season!  for halloween D and I met up with my friends from Norcal for ghost ship, my first rave.  it was awesome. and cold...sf is cold...i went as leeloo and he went as korbin dallas.  we were such a hit at the party it was fantastic.  he said "something clicked while we were in norcal."  not sure what he meant but im pretty sure it clicked off.  anyway friends from norcal also came down to go to mickey's halloween party with me.  D couldn't make it cause he had class. that should've been my first clue.  he would never turn down disneyland for class....he just didnt want to hang with me all night.  fine whatever, i had a blast.  we went as tigger, pooh, and eeyore.  it was awesome, i did my face all up in make up and one of the kids asked for my autograph though i couldnt give it to her.  so innocent, so happy, not knowing.  oct 31 halloween night socal friends and D and I went to weho.  D and i had our biggest fight yet.  he went home.  i was alone...and the rest is an all too familiar story.

November:  my birthday and turkey day.  november is a weird month for me.  many many times i have had wonderful birthdays and many many times i have had horrible ones.  this year on my birthday i found out that D, my seemingly perfect boyfriend, is a pothead.  i found out because he was in the middle of sorting out a drug deal for pot during my birthday dinner.  and maybe its not as bad as it sounds but thats what it sounded like to me.  a few days later i went to vegas because i was so upset over the fact that he didnt invite me to his friends birthday party even though it was a totally casual party that anyone couldve gone to.  that shouldve been my second clue.  hello v, if he doesnt want u around his friends he doesnt want u...doi.  anyway went to vegas, came home, had a fight about weather...literally weather...wtf...next day he came over to talk..he dumped me.  in a mad desperate scramble i switched my turkey day plans to hanging with my girlfriends instead of spending it with D because..well because he dumped me.

December:  this month is almost over..most of it involved a lot of drinking a lot of crying and a lot of me trying to get out of the house so as to prevent all the crying.  I feel lost right now.  I had so much fervor at the beginning of the year and i had that eurotrip to sustain my thirst for adventure.  now...well i dunno now all i want is my old life back . there were many things he said to me that i dare not repeat but that id like to forget.  id like to think he said them in anger and that he didnt mean it but im sure he did.  it makes me question all the happy times we had..were they real?  or was he just really annoyed?  i dunno. im sick right now, trying to get better before the new year.  taking it easy today, then cleaning and prepping tomorrow for the big night.  D and I are still talking, we're friends according to him.  everyday i still cry, though not for as long anymore.  im not sure how long we can stay friends, or how long itll take for me to pull out of this rut.  im already planning a million trips in 2014 to norcal, new york, boston and another big one im hoping in september.  im trying to grab a couple new licenses, maybe go back to school, and getting a new job at a better facility. 

im hoping this next year will be exciting.  im hoping i will learn more about myself and more about the people around me.  i have a pretty firm sense in who is there for me and who isnt and i know who to put my trust int.  i am hoping that in 2014 i will finally find love that will last because heart break is just exhausting.  a fortune teller once told me that 2013 would be chaos.  drinking and chaos.  he was right...i can only hope 2014 will be just as exciting...but hopefully without the whole broken heart thing...yea

has it ever come back?

its 2 in the afternoon and i havent moved from my bed.  im supposed to decorate the condo today and make it all christmasy.  i can tell you know.  i can tell that people are tired of hearing about it.  much like nobody wants to hear how in love you are all the time nobody wants to hear how in pain you are either.  and they all come around and try to distract me and talk about other things and for a moment, just for a moment i forget that im actually heart broken.  i may even crack a smile or laugh out loud or relax.  then i come home and for one night this week i am able to fall asleep and have a lovely dream about buffets.  then i wake up in the morning and it all comes flooding back to me.  this is the reality of my life.  everything looks great on paper.  everything is perfect.  everything is good and happy and bright and i really have nothing to complain about so gosh darn it V stop complaining.  its hard to get up in the mornings.  ive been late to work almost every single day for the last few weeks.  never more than 15 minutes and no one is there in the morning anyways so its not like i get in trouble.  but i used to love springing up in the morning, going to work, getting my day going and coming home and falling asleep in 5 minutes or less.  its hard to get up, hard to fall asleep, hard to get going.  i dont cry as much anymore but im fairly certain its cause my body has run out of tears since the stabbing pain in my chest hasnt really dissipated.  i watch romantic comedies all the time and i cry.  its a romantic comedy its supposed to be sweet and funny there's no reason for crying.  my girl friends say to forget him, my guy friends say to just give him time, i have no idea what im doing.  the truth is im only settling for friendship because i am at a complete loss as to what i actually am supposed to do.  numb. the last time i turned my heart off i became a total bitch.  sure i got a lot of ass and a lot of free dinners but any satisfying relationships?  i did what i was supposed to do.  i forgot about him and played the field.  i would play while i was in college then settle down once i got out of school and grad school and get married and have kids.  and i got with a guy, a very nice perfectly good guy, and forced him to settle down.  and when he left i really didnt know what to do.  suddenly my plans for a life of bliss fell apart.  then came the losers one right after the other. men that i dated cause they were hot, they were nice, they were close to me, whatever stupid reason i had.  i tried to force another relationship with a guy who was not right for me til that also came crashing down.

thats when i met you.  that feeling of being high on life, of being elated all the time.  waking up with a smile, falling asleep with a smile, what did you call it, smitten?  and then just like before, it all just ended.  where do i go from here.  im not 18 anymore, i dont have college to rebound.  im 26. im supposed to pick up the pieces and tell myself that i deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me, blah blah blah.  ok then i will.  ill keep telling myself that you made the mistake of leaving and i will be better for it and all those things that are supposed to help you get over a break up because if ur ever just sad about being dumped you're seen as a pathetic loser.  i dont want to be a pathetic loser . i dont want to be some desperate ex girlfriend who cant get over the fact that she lost someone who made her life so complete.  thats weak.  im strong, im the strongest, everyone looks to me because i have all my shit together and frankly im exhausted.  sure i have a good job, i can buy anything i want, i live in a nice place, i travel, i see my family and friends i have everything.  and yet in my heart and soul i feel like that 18 year old girl again driving home in the middle of the night in the pouring rain listening to green day's american idiot.  wondering how and why this could've ended.  ill admit at least you didn't sleep with me then break up with me then propose that we can still hook up when im in town.  so i guess thats what 8 years of growing up got me.  in all my years of dating ive finally figured out how to not date a man that just wants to sleep with me.  right? hahaha, that's hilarious.  i know nothing.  where do i go from here, what do i do. move on i guess.  move on to what.  someone that is nice that i form a connection with and eventually grow to love.  someone who will probably be a good father to my children.  or do i wait another 10 years hoping and praying that i meet another man a THIRD man in my life that makes me happy to be alive?  what are the odds of that.  and then ill be close to 40.  its hard to stay positive when so many negative things happen.  career, finances and stuff like that, i can control.  ive got that all in order and i like where its going.  love?  love is a fickle beast.  one moment its laying with you the next it's ripping the heart from your chest.  the one thing in the world i cant control.  whats that saying, if you love something let it go and if it comes back it's truly yours?  so tell me...anyone...has it ever come back?

your life looks so beautiful

I saw you today.  Well not in person, but i saw you online.  I knew i shouldn't have looked.  I knew it was going to hurt. I kept trying to resist the urge.  But the truth is, I looked.  I was weak.  I looked and I was right, it was awful.  There you are, smiling and snuggling up next to some girl.  I couldn't look away, I needed to know more.  And through tear filled eyes I dug deeper.  Why am I doing this, why am I torturing myself.  I reminded myself that you are this affectionate with everyone, even when we were together.  I reminded myself that you told me you still had feelings for me.  I reminded myself that what we have is special.  And then I remembered you saying that you developed crushes on a lot of girls that didn't develop into anything because you can actively put brakes on your emotions like that.  And then I remembered how special it felt to be that special girl, and how ordinary and disappointing it feels to be so very ordinary.  I'm just one of those girls that you had a crush on that you just decided to put the brakes on for.  I tried to remember that you said you wanted me in your life.  I tried. I try everyday, all the time.  But the truth is, your life looks so beautiful without me in it. My friend says you're just show boating, that you're going out and trying to have a good time to get over missing me.  But deep down in my heart, as much as I'm trying to keep it all together, I know that you're not show boating.  That you are truly happy, and that you are truly happy without me.  Why else would you end things, why else would you walk away.  I am trying so very hard to be positive, to imagine us back together.  I am praying every night that you'll wake up one morning missing me and realizing how wonderful of a girl i am and how happy you would be if i was in your life again.  My friend asked me isn't it hard to get over someone while you're still talking to them.  The truth is it's impossible. I'm such a believer in love and second chances and fate and all the crap because life and reality is too harsh and dark to accept.  But this is the reality of love isn't it.  It's never returned, it always hurts more than it heals, and there are no happy endings.  I see all those old couples and I think of how lucky they are to have it all figured out.  And then I see some alone, angry, dying.  They haven't figured it out and they never will.  I wonder how they felt at my age.  I wonder if I'm eerily peering into my own future. 

You look so happy without me.  How could I destroy that for you.  It's been a couple weeks and already your face is brighter, your smile bigger, your shoulders lighter.  And I want to believe it's because classes are ending and you have more free time but could it be because I'm not there to weigh you down?  You're so lovely, so beautiful, and I'm so dark.  People describe me as bubbily and spunky and a fire cracker.  It's all for show.  Deep down you're right.  I am a depressing person. I've see and heard things in my life that I can't let go.  I've felt things no little girl should feel and it's hard to not let that get to me.  And they say that one day I'll meet a man who will love and accept me for who I am.  love and acceptance are different than staying.  im tired of hoping and dreaming and wishing of this epic love connection that will never happen.  i thought i would never feel that way again until i met you.  i thought wow this is the man of my dreams. we used to ask each other where did you come from? as if we stepped out of a myth, a fairytale and into each others lives.  i guess the bigger question now is where did u go?  back to your old life.  back to your happy life. back to before you met me, before all the skyping and the obligations of being a good boyfriend.  back to the world of roommates and parties and family and warmth.  you went back to your fairytale and i went back to mine. yours is disney, mine is grimm.  yours is meant to encourage, mine is meant to heed a warning.  so many questions i want to ask u.  so many things i want to know.  but as my friend points out, these are all mute points.  does it matter if he's seeing other people.  does it matter if he likes other girls.  the point is he doesnt want to be with you.  it doesnt matter why or when or anything else.  what should i do.  should i continue to compete with all your friends and family for your affection for your attention.  am i just some girl you dated that one time way back when.  even now when i close my eyes i can feel your arms around me and i cry. i cry because i know that no matter how much i wish and hope and pray that you will never touch me like that again. and i see all my friends around me with their men and i smile because im happy for them.  and i cry because i can see them all figuring it out, and im still stuck at the starting line without a clue as to find true love and happiness. 

what am i doing here.  whats the next step.  time to dry your eyes sweetheart.  every moment im missing you i wonder if you ever think of me. if you too are sad.  if you too remember what it feels like to have my head on your chest and my hand on your back.  or if you just wake up every morning feeling better and better as i drift further and further out of your memory til you forget me all together.  the truth is i dont know if you miss me and i know you'll never tell.  time to dry your eyes sweetheart.  your life looks so beautiful without me in it.  mine...is a living nightmare. guess not much has changed.

if i had known

if i had known.  if i had known it was going to be our last night together i would've tried harder.  i would've made it sweeter, lighter, happier.  i would've smiled more, judged less.  i would've kissed you more deeply and loved you more passionately.  i would've insisted on not being too tired to make love. so many things i would've done if i had known.  but i guess that's when happens when good things come to end.  they just...end. no climax, no one last hoorah, no finale.  just emptiness and space.  and tomorrow morning ill wake up a different woman.  the sheets still smell like you. the roses you gave me are still on the living room table.  if i had known that would be the last time i hugged you i would've held you closer, held you tighter.  in my heart i want to wake up and pretend that all of this didn't happen.  that we were still in love.  were we?  who the fuck knows.  i just know this is not what i wanted.  waking up empty, cold, alone. again. thanksgiving. again. like seriously fuck this holiday, it's starting to remind me of all the things i'm not thankful for.  i find myself closing my eyes and imagining you coming back to me, saying that you still care about me and miss me and want me. saying that you still find me attractive, looking at me with those love sick eyes.  i wonder what my birthday present was. guess ill never know. i also know it's going to kill me every time i drive up to your building to tutor your neighbor.  and ill stare up at the window longingly like romeo did for juliet.  ill sit in my car and wait, hoping that maybe ill run into you on your way out. ill be wandering what crosses your mind when you see my car.  you asked me how you can miss someone when they've only been gone a few hours.  sweetie it's been 3 hours and i miss you more than i ever have before.  what happened to me, to us, what happened to falling in love, staying up late, never getting enough of each other.  what happened to love, to never giving up, to second chances.  what happened to a boy who likes a girl and became a man to win her heart.  what happened to walks to the grocery store, yogurtland, making dinners. what happened to all day sex-athons and snuggling.  god just what happened to us.  if i had known sweetie that this was the end, if i had any inkling this was coming.  i wouldn't have let you go.

forgotten

i have forgotten. forgotten what it feels like to be wanted, desired, to be interesting.  it wasn't til this moment that i realize i have forgotten what it's like to be asked what i wanted, how i felt, even when i was free.  there was a time i was asked weeks in advance when i would have time to spend a whole day with you because you wanted to see me so badly.  i have forgotten what's it like to not beg for a spare moment of yours.  every time i want to see you i have to ask because i have forgotten what it's like to be asked.  to be that girl who has it all.  you never ask anymore.  i can't even remember the last time you asked me for a moment of my time.  can't remember the last time you asked me when i was free so we could hang out because you wanted to see me.  i remember the last time you asked me to skype was so long ago i was in complete shock when i read it. what would happen if i didn't ask when you were free?  it's gotten so bad that even when i ask when you're free you tell me that you have to check and i find out later that you're really just filling your calendar with other people you want to see before you want to see me.  i learned this weekend that i have forgotten what good morning meant, forgotten what a surprise feels like versus an obligation, i have forgotten what two people wanting to be in the same place at the same time feels like.  and it felt so good.  and it makes me sad that we used to feel that way and that you don't anymore.  i don't know maybe you do but i don't feel that way from you anymore. i have forgotten the way you look at me.  i have forgotten what your smile sounds like. i have just simply forgotten.  is it my fault for forgetting or yours for not transmitting.  i guess i'll never know.  all i know is i miss you, i miss us, and i miss that feeling.  and i hate, i hate having forgotten.  but what i hate even more is being forgotten.  like screaming and shouting and jumping up and down and everyone notices but you.  you've forgotten what i sound like when i smile, my laughter, my joy.  i'd rather be rejected, neglected, insulted that forgotten.  it's like im so insignificant that i couldn't even be bothered to be actively negatively treated.  it just happens out of sheer annoyance and laziness.  it's like not being loved or hated or feared or liked.  it's like not being worthy of any emotions short of an empty space in your head that you are now filling with other things.  forgotten, what a terrible feeling.  that feeling of knowing if i was to walk away right now, that nothing in your life would change.  that one day you may wake up and notice that something was different, but not be able to put your finger on it, then fall back asleep acknowledging that it must not be that important.  i'm what's different, i'm what's missing, please don't fall back asleep.  remember me.  remember me.

JUST STOP!

I told off my HOA lady today.  She asked me where i got the code to get into my building. i told her that i got it from a neighbor.  she said i wasnt supposed to have it.  i told her that thats fine but instead of accusing me of doing something wrong (ie having the code) she couldve just told me.  she then emailed and left a voicemail apology saying that she did not mean at all to sound accusatory but that i mistook her tone via email.  she sounded sincerely apologetic and i felt bad because my tone was CLEARLY accusatory.  made me think of a conversation i had last night. how i take things and spin them for the negative.  why is it so hard for me to take things at face value.  hey, v, ever thought maybe she just really wanted to know where i got the code, where the leak was coming from?  nope..definitely she wanted to tell me i was wrong.  my mom has always said i was a very sensitive kid.  i would take things that she'd say and extrapolate them into the most monumental horrors imaginable.  i guess it was all those hours i spent in the garage "contemplating what i did wrong."  too much time solo causes someone to start having conversations in their own head.  which is not a good thing when youre actually having a conversation with another person because you start hearing their voice in your head instead of in your ears.  something's wrong with me. i was so sure of everything when i got back from europe.  i knew who i was, what i was doing, where i was going, and what i wanted.  im not totally lost now but i do feel like my confidence and security is slipping away.  ive never been good at it u know.  the whole love thing.  i dont get it.  i dont get how some people can stay so happy and so satisfied for so long.  im envious. envious with every fiber of my being to wonder what thats like.  i know how to make myself happy, but to get that from another person?  how? wont they leave? what if they stay? what if what you think theyre thinking isnt what theyre thinking? what if ur falling madly in love and hes falling madly out of it?  i cried at work this morning.  im not sure why, the conflict was taken care of.  but was it really?  i wanted to talk about feelings, but instead got totally dumped on for all the things i was doing wrong.  not the type of feelings i was talking about.  i wanted to talk about romantic feelings.  hearing how much he missed me and he thinks about me even when hes busy.  does he?  i dunno.  all i know is i need to pull away.  step back from the line v, ur not ready to cross it.  cause if u do and he doesnt...then its just u, there, all alone, on the other side of the line trying to figure out how to get back home.  step back v, he says ur pressuring him, step back, he says ur smothering him, step back, when u wanna text him, think.  when u wanna make him presents, think, how many have u made him this month?  when u wanna be sad when ur time together is over, think, is he sad?  no, he has other things to get done. he is not sad ur leaving and therefore neither should u.  ull see each other again..right? maybe just stop going over all together.  he says he doesnt invite u over on purpose.  take that as a hint...ur not supposed to go over.  stop inviting urself. just stop v JUST STOP.i feel this pain in my chest, like someone just squeezed my heart a little.  i know that feeling.  its the feeling of hopelessness.  clutching at ur soul like ur hand is the only thing keeping ur heart in ur chest.  hopelessly in love.  its sad really.  how many times has this happened sweetie, and u just cant learn.  nobody sees relationships like u do, love like u do, as this fantasy emotion thats neither real nor a dream.  such a strange uncontrollable feeling.  most kids experience this growing up, at least they have something to compare to.  i do not know if i have experienced true unconditional love...but i know ive experienced love and loss.  sad. to see such a beautiful girl cry.  but its time to get on ur feet v.  time to step up to the challenge just like u did when u thought u were going to die in europe.  time to figure out a plan when no one else is willing to cooperate or care for u.  time to get to the other side...but how, in this hour of need if i cant turn to whom i love then what?

always trapped..always seeking

feels so weird right now.  i feel like i should be writing...like i need to write.  like i need to get something off my chest.  and yet as i sit here, im honestly not sure what to write about.  i have been meaning to add a blog post for some time now but ugh...its all getting so messy in my head.  this happens every time.  i should just learn, right?  learn to withdraw...learn to not have expectations or to get attached or to let my guard down.  but it's just so easy and it feels so natural that i can't say no.  im like an addict.  a constant struggle between high and low.  at the beginning i was good..really good.  i didnt need to see him that much, didnt mind not talking to him for a few days, didnt care if he was busy or preoccupied.  its all i think about these days.  what he's doing, is he happy, i wonder if he's thinking about me, misses me.  so many things i want to say but i cant bring myself to say them and every time he says something, every touch, every look, every moment i feel him slipping away.  its happened before to me, to him.  i need to pull back.  need to need less.  need to just be myself.  but this is myself.  i love whole heartedly, i dive head first, i plunge all the way to the bottom not accounting for the return.  i do this academically, financially, in my work, with my friends, with my love.  everything is just so confusing and everything is becoming so sensitive.  i just want to fall, fall head over heels, just let myself be blissfully happy and ignorant in the matters of the heart.  and yet i know this is a fool's errand.  pull back i say, step away, turn around.  come on v, u know better, u are wiser, we've been down this road and we know exactly how it all ends.  pull back, keep your ahead above water,  dont breathe in until the very last moment.  let him come to you in his own time, in his own way.  and yet are we, as women, meant to suffer in the waiting room as men come to realize what they have?  how long is appropriate.  how long do we wait.  forever. until judgement day.  its time to do the dishes. to clean up ur act. maybe he needs space.  maybe i need space.  some days i really do feel like a drug addict.  except im addicted to the constant need to feel loved.  i put myself through rehab, i get better for a while...then love creeps back into my veins just to give me a taste.  just to tempt me to throw myself into the abyss and plunge back into the darkness.  thats what it is u know.  darkness.  ive never known love to be anything other than sadness.  maybe one day i will be lucky enough to experience true freedom in the realm of love. but right now i feel like a prisoner..always trapped...always seeking a way out.

i didnt know it would hurt you

you know its a weird feeling, betrayal.  some horrid mix of anguish, pain, relief, guilt, and satisfaction.  i found out today someone im seeing slept with one of my friends.  i am thankful it is not someone whom im seeing seriously and not one of my closer friends.  but i imagine the feeling would be along the same lines just infinitely more intense directly correlating to the proximity of the friendship.  and he can justify it any way she likes and she can tell herself that we werent serious so its ok, but in the end what they did was morally wrong.  sure, technically it isnt cheating since we're not in a relationship.  sure, she technically isnt a home wrecker because she knew that we were just casually dating.  so sure, on paper it all doesnt seem so bad right?  the fact of the matter is he knew it would hurt my feelings if he did it and he did.  she knew that i liked him and she did. do people not understand the consequences of their actions anymore?  do people not get that sometimes when you do something to satisfy your own selfish desires you are in fact really hurting somebody else?  or do people just not care.  are there really individuals out there men and women alike, who will hurt anyone and anything to have one lousy lay? 

he asked me if i wanted to get dinner yesterday.  i just wanted to pick up my key but i figured i hadnt seen him in a while so what the heck.  i walk in to use the bathroom and when i came out he went to use it.  as i looked around i noticed that there was no sleeping pad on the floor and that the bed was completely disheveled.  two pillows stacked on the right and one pillow on the left.  and i saw it, in a flash, him sleeping on the right with his crotch against her ass on the left.  i shuddered. he said he didnt want to sleep with her.  he said he had no intention.  otherwise i wouldve never let her crash at my house, or taken her out to a club, or done her hair for God's sake.  before i can process what is happening she walks in the front door.  gives me a big hug, says its great to see me.  i hesitate slightly but brush it off. i was tired. i was hungry. i invited her to dinner and he told me he didnt know she was invited.  that shouldve been my first confirmation.  for the 2 weeks she's been here he always invited both of us out to dinner.  she asks if id like her to come. i say yes of course.  she obliges.  we come home from dinner and give her a hug.  i give him a hug. did i kiss him?  i cant remember. i jump in my car and go home exhausted and think nothing of it.

he texted me this morning.  wanna hang out today?  and it hits me like a shit ton of bricks.  hang out?  to him hanging out means having sex.  we never hang out, we only have sex. he has no interest in my mind, my spirit, my soul he only cares about sex.  and like a flash all the evidence comes pouring in.  i call him and ask him point blank. did u sleep with her?  potentially, he says.  ill take that as a yes.  i start to cry.  i cant help myself. i was in a state of shock, believable shock.  he said he didnt know it would hurt me.  really.  so if i stab you in the face and you're scarred for life can i tell a judge i didnt know it would hurt you?  think that defense would fly?  i proceed to tell him its not the act itself that makes me mad, after all we are not exclusive and i have also slept with other people.  it was the fact he lied to me and didnt have the common courtesy or respect to at least clean up after himself.  it would be like if he walked into my bedroom and saw a used condom on the floor and i was like oh im sorry, i didnt realize that would make you uncomfortable.  i sent her a message too saying that i trusted her, i brought her into my home, and she goes behind my back and sleeps with the guy she knows im dating because she has SEEN us sleep together..i mean come on what kind of sad, sick, demented girl can watch her friend snuggling with her guy and hop right into it the moment she leaves. 

part of me hopes to hear from them.  i want to hear them ask, no beg for forgiveness. to recognize that what they did was mean, selfish, hurtful, hateful even.  but i know i wont.  if i do hear from them itll be them continuing to justify theyre actions with, but you said i could, and i didnt know, and it wasnt that serious.  i know the best thing would be to never hear from them again.  people dont change at their core. their fundamental values of what they perceive as right and wrong are drilled into them at an early age.  in fact most people dont even need to be told that hurting your friends or taking their things is bad.  it would be one thing if they felt bad for what they did.  mistakes happen, i get that.  but i genuinely believe they both knew exactly what they were doing.  and i genuinely believe that i didnt cross their minds one time when they proceeded to stab me in the back.  so thanks friends, you're the best. you're certainly made for each other.

WHY THE F***does this always happen to me

I think it's happening again.  The butterflies in my stomach, the mysterious smile that creeps its way across my face when i see his texts.  That sense of anxious excitement when i know i get to see him that day.  Why...tell me WHY THE FUCK do i always fall for the wrong guys.  See here's the problem.  This guy is literally amazing, except when he's not.  Sometimes he can be so mean and insensitive you'd think he was born an asshole.  But i just cant seem to put my finger on exactly what causes him to flip a switch like that.  I think it has something to do with the drinking and the substances but hey it's all theories.  He really doesn't do that much.  Drinks everyday, yes.  I enjoy some wine/beer a few times a week, hey we all have our vices.  He also smokes weed at least once a week...i hate it.  It is fucking disgusting, but whatever...i get maybe life is too difficult to deal with sober (sad but true).  We've been dating for 4 months now and so far he's done 2 drugs that make me very uncomfortable.  As someone in the medical field and also as someone who cares deeply for this guy, I don't want to see him get hurt (which he has) while he's on that stuff.  And that's only the stuff I know about.  God knows what he's taken, whose he's doing, or where he's going that I dont know about.  So everytime he goes somewhere I think "is he on anything tonight?  is he going to do anything stupid and end up in the fucking hospital? is he going to fuck some random coke whore?"  I've had boyfriends who were pot dealers, boyfriends who ended up in the hospital due to their stupidity, boyfriends who were drowning in their own cloud of smoke, trust me...ive given the whole substance thing a real run.  And you know what?  I fucking hate it.  it makes me nervous, anxious in a hand wringing kind of way.  I dont want another call from the hospital...i dont want to have another fight over why weed is more important than me...i dont want to ever put myself in an area of gunfire ever again.  but then thats just it isnt it.  its not my choice.  its his choice.  i might be falling in love and willing to give up things i enjoy like sleeping with random hot men, but is he willing to give up things he enjoys for my peace of mind?  i dont think so . its not the first time ive dealt with something like this and it always ends up the same. doesn't matter if he's falling in love and ready to propose, the substance always wins.  why is that?  what is it about that stuff that is so freaking amazing that it gives you a better trip than being in love, being happy, having the love of your life or a family or the American dream?  maybe thats just my dream.  to be in a relationship that people look at and are insanely jealous of how much we love each other and how much we care for each other.  i dont want people to ask me where my boyfriend is and for me to have absolutely no idea where or what or who he's doing.  but how do you tell someone that in order for this relationship to move forward that he needs to grow up and give that stuff up. to realize that people care about his safety and hes not just some reckless 19 year old partying it up anymore.  but he's not my boyfriend.  he made that extremely clear last night...you know he used to introduce me by name...now he tells everyone this is my friend.  friend?  i tried out that word last night "boyfriend."  he stopped what he was doing, looked me dead in the eye and said "i am NOT your boyfriend."  funny thing is a few months ago thats all he wanted to be.  seems more and more all he wants is a fuck buddy.  i asked him if he was seeing multiple girls, i didnt get a straight answer.  i guess i dont mind but id like to know.  i hate liars. i hate being deceived.  maybe he is seeing other girls.  maybe when he says he's "busy" or "hanging with the guys" he's really slipping it to someone else as they say.  maybe he wanted to be my boyfriend but has since changed his mind but doesnt mind the tail action on the side.  i dont know. i dont know if this stuff would be better brought up before or after i leave the country for a month.  would it be better to know now that he doesnt want me and to spend all of europe getting over him, or know now that he does want me and spending all of europe tied to a boyfriend.  or better yet coming home after a month and finding out hes slept with half of los angeles and that he doesnt want me then immediately ruining my vacation high and plunging me into some sort of depression.  i dont know. he says i dont understand hallucinogens and pills.  not personally no...i just know biologically what they do to a person.  and i know what they do to the men ive loved.  and i just cant go through it again. but then i lose him. course if he's so attached to that stuff that he's willing to give up love i suppose ive already lost him.  or maybe he just isnt falling for me the same way i am for him.  why...WHY THE FUCK does this always happen to me?