2011 has been a horrid year

September twenty third of two thousand and eleven.  This year has officially blown.  I know that the best months have yet to happen (halloween, my birthday and christmas) but i have a distinct inkling that those are gonna suck too.  why...cause halloween this year will be worse than last year.  last year i was celebrating getting a new job, in vegas with a new bestie, and wearing the awesomest costumes ever.  this year i am 7 lbs heavier, bestie has a bf in san diego, and i am now mourning a job loss.  birthday this year, also probably gonna suck.  not getting along so great with 2 of my best friends, hopefully people will come to my bday party, well hopefully ill even have money to THROW a bday party since the bestie im supposed to have my party with hasnt even moved in yet.  Christmas...dont get me started on christmas...no family nearby, no presents (no money), probably wont even be able to afford a tree this year.

I officially ended my tumultuous 4 month escapade with he who was formally known as my boyfriend.  After 2 weeks of horrible (lets just be friends) drama I decided I had to move on.  It just wasnt sitting right with me being towed along and played like that, even though he said he didnt want to "mess me around" who even says that...how do u mess someone around. anyways after proclaiming my love one last time and him still rejecting me i said to hell with it and have since cut him off.  unfortunately i am now $3000 in the hole but hey, don't lend out money unless you don't expect to get it back right?  he says he'll get it back to me slowly but surely until he lands a gig.  1. yea right and 2. yea fucking right.  i am never seeing that money again and it has long been spent.  expensive mistake but now i know...i for sure do not like being a sugar momma.  in fact i find it rather repulsive and disgusting that a man that much older than me would ask me to pay for things, i mean seriously if i wanted a girlfriend i would be lesbian.  *sigh* anyways im losing my job.  Still in limbo, no idea if theyre laying me off or just reducing my hours to zero and keeping me on the payroll to make my life miserable.  Either way the cash river will be reduced to a trickle come Oct. 6 and officially stop flowing by Halloween.  This means I have one month to either land a Nuclear Medicine job in Los Angeles (which i have been trying to do for a year now) or im gonna start babysitting for a living. *double sigh*

Did i mention im sick? not the flu (thank God) just an annoying cough and feeling tired and shitty.  Also i had an allergic reaction to my peppermint chapstick...yea lips got all puffy and blistery and they hurt like HELL. but now im almost fully healed so thats good.  o and my contact has cut my eye again...wow im just in really horrendous physical condition.  so there's that

the one good thing happening in my life right now is i met a boy. he's smart and funny and easy to get along with and isnt a total psychomaniac.  and he aint too bad to look at if i say so myself.  although honestly, i dont know if im ready to get back into the dating game so to speak.  for a while now ive been wanting a relationship but after everything thats happened over this last year i think im ok with just NOT.  like something fun and casual and drama free.  though i totally fucked up last nite and ended up paying for our meal cause ex bf had me pay for everything and so by a horrible force of habit i reached for my wallet and threw my card on the table only to have it be super awkward so i was like "ill get it" and then it was more awkward....o well i used to be so good at dating...now i just suck. *sigh*

ok new concentration is finding a job.   somehow the cash money has to keep coming in so goal for month of october (once i stop traveling everywhere) is to set up as many tutoring/babysitting gigs as possible while still looking for nuc med jobs...also i dont want to work mobile anymore. stupid idea, stupid work environment, just stupid. so to all u peeps out there who actually read my blog (which is no one) please wish me luck, ill need every little bit of it i can get.

Live ur Life, (even if it sucks)
Victoria Niles

And I believed you.

I still recall the first time I met you.  You told me I was the most beautiful thing you had seen in a really long time.  And I believed you.  I remember our first 7 hour long phone conversation when you told me I was like a princess because of my generosity and kindness.  And I believed you.  I remember the first time you made me cry because you said I was wasting your time.  The first time you yelled at me and called me a slut.  The first time you told me you were fucking other girls cause I wasn't "that" hot. And I believed you.  I remember when you whispered in my ear that night that you wanted me to be your girlfriend and that you wanted to treat me like the princess I am.  That you would take care of me and I would never have to work again.  And I believed you.  When you told me "you just wait til you move down to LA, you'll see." Said everything would be better, that we would be better. And I believed you.  When you stopped picking up my phone calls because now that you could see me in person, you're like a spoiled child and didn't want to talk over the phone but wanted to physically see me.  When you said we were moving too fast and should take things slow. When you finally called me your girlfriend and I asked if you were sure and you said yes.  And I believed you.  When you told me you were being an ass because you just wanted some TLC and to spend time with me and not because you wanted some bitch to make you a sandwich. Every time you've said "I miss you" and if I would be more romantic then you would be too.  And I believed you.  The first time you said "I love you," the first time you took it back, the second time you said "I love you" and when you said I really meant something to you.  And I believed you.  That night you called me crying saying how important I was, how special, that you loved me so much and how you didn't want to fuck it up.  How you know what's best for us and to trust you, that after you got your life together you would give me all the time and attention I deserve and that you really want things to work out between us.  And I believed you.  Even when you told me I was weird, and creepy, and crazy.  You said you truly cared for me and that you're here for me no matter what.  After you've blown me off at least half a dozen times.  After you've kicked me out of your house (less than 24 hours before me moving to LA and not having anywhere to stay).  After countless nights of you so disgusted with my presence you refused to kiss me, hug me, or even touch me.  After all the times I've paid for EVERYTHING and you have still yet to take me on a first date (though you promised).  I still fucking believed you.  You told me the other day that you haven't hooked up with any girls since we've been "not together".  And I believed you.  You told me yesterday that you're happy I'm going to SD and that it'll be good for me and that you hope I have fun.  And I believed you.  When you said you loved me like a sister. And I believed you.

When you said of course there's a chance we'll get back together.  That you love me the same way I love you.  That you're trying to make some money for "us."  That you said you would kick your roommate out and we could live together.  All those times you said how romantic you can be and how much fun we'll have and to just wait and I'll see.  That you need "time" to think and that you "can't explain" why you're not into me, but you are, but you just can't have a girlfriend right now. And every single time you say "I love you."  I don't believe you anymore.  Because you said things would be better once I moved to LA.  You said that things would be better if we take it slow.  You said you would show me your generosity and love if I showed you mine. You said things would be better if I just gave you some time to get your life together.  And what, hope that if/when you do that you'll still want me?  And that if you want me you'll all of a sudden start treating me with the kind of love and respect I deserve and haven't been getting?  Can I even hope that you won't hate me enough to still give me my money back?  You say to trust you and wait and I'll see that you're right.  That I'll be proud to have believed in you, that I'll be glad to have invested money in you, that it'll all work out and we'll be great. And I don't believe you.

I still remember standing in the shower in my neon pink paisley bikini, crying because you were leaving.  And you looked at me and said "a year from now we could be in Aruba and this will all seem so silly and we won't even remember why we were fighting."  Well, it's been 4 months since we've met.  And for the first time I can honestly say.  I don't believe you.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

my name is victoria niles and i am a lovaholic

Is this life?  is this really what the universe entails for us?  a life of suffering, of give and take, push and pull.  moments of joy followed by moments of great sorrow.  people die who deserve to live and people live who dont even deserve the sweet relief of death.  my family are barely my friends and my friends are my only family.  everything is so messed up im as confused as i was when i was a little girl.  when i asked myself if this is really what life is do i want to be a part of it?  everyday crying, everyday struggling and fighting for something better...only to find that "something better" is really nothing at all.  i want love and peace and satisfaction in knowing that i have touched people and made their lives a little better.  its almost martyrdom.  like i feel the need to be in pain in order to make people happy.  but what about me, doesn't anyone care if im happy.  when am i gonna meet someone who will put me first, who values my happiness, who will bring a smile to my face.  love is such a peculiar emotion.  its portrayed as sweet, enveloping, warm, gentle yet passionate.  but love is also portrayed as tragic, depressing, to be almost worse than death.  i have felt the rays of love.  i have felt that connection with someone who changes your life forever.  footprints that can never be erased no matter how hard u try to forget them. they say its better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all.  i dont know who "they" are but clearly they have not had the honor to have loved and lost.  because anyone who tells u "im glad i loved him and he broke my heart, it was a great experience" is high off their ass...and i would like whatever it is that theyre taking.  coming off love is like going through withdrawal.  except theres no set time when the drugs are out of ur system.  it just lingers and lingers and lingers until either you move on...or u dont.  u want to move on just to end the suffering and the pain and so u can get through a workday without everyone at the hospital thinking ur mother just died.  but on that same note u dont want to move on because that would mean losing any sort of connection you have/had with that person to begin with.  remember when it was happy, when it was good, when the love covered you in a warm blanket like a towel fresh out of the drier.  remember when nothing was wrong, and everything was fabulous because u were in love and all you need is love!  remember when it hurt. remember the icy cold sting of rejection. remember when u realized that apparently u need a lot more than just love.  that disney rose-colored tint is gone and all thats left is harsh reality.  i remember when two people being together wasnt about money, or status, or societal pressure.  u liked someone because u liked them.  it didnt matter who they were, what they were.  remember when we didnt see looks or color or economical niche.  we just hung out with the people who made us happy, no pressure, no titles, no need to second guess their ulterior motives because the simple fact was they didnt have one.

i have loved and recently lost.  he says he still loves me but im hard pressed to believe him.  i feel that icy cold sting of rejection.  i feel the need to crawl into a small dark space and cry until the hurt stops.  i feel disappointed in love for letting me down.  i feel betrayed by society for making me feel like true love can happen in an instant and last forever.  i feel i dont want to be in a relationship, or get married, or be in love ever again because honestly i highly doubt it will be as awesome as i think it will be.  i see couples who are in their 80's that have been together since high school and it makes me want to stab myself in the face and cry.  thats like 70 years of being in love.  can u imagine! no wonder theyre still alive and kickin!  when i ask them whats their secret they tell me "i just couldnt imagine my life without him" followed by a "ur a sweet girl and very pretty.  im sure ull be snatched up in a jiffy"  and i have nothing to say so i  smile.  partially cause they used the word jiffy and also because i dont want to tell them that i highly doubt ill be "snatched up" anytime soon since apparently im not as awesome as i try to be.

*sigh* i REALLY thought i got it right this time.  Really thought i had actually found that one person worth fighting for, waiting for, dying for.  really thought he felt the same way about me. really thought we were gonna work and through all the pain it would bring us closer together.  i even thought i found someone to love and accept me for who i am, just the way i am.  as if i was good enough. just vivian. and i thought that our love would be enough to get us through anything.  but i was wrong.  he thinks im crazy, aggressive.  he thinks i need to see a therapist (as if thatll fix anything)  he says he loves me but cant deal with "situations like this"  i would like to point out i was upset at him correcting me all the time and finally couldnt take it anymore so i lashed out at him.  apparently this is an unforgivable offense and he thinks us being friends is the best thing for us.  newsflash love of my life, we can and never will be "just friends"  its too late.  far too late.  i do have a bad temper and when i lash out i can make grown men cry.  its a defense mechanism i learned as a child.  big bark, no bite.  i have a high tolerance for bullshit but i cant do it anymore.  he makes me so mad with his "it hurts me too" really, does it really, does it make u wanna crawl in a hole and die.im hurt im wounded i dont know what to do.

u know ppl tell me that everything will work out in the end.  please tell me the end is near.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

i feel so much right now im not sure exactly how to put it in words. u know what not even gonna try. anger. dissappointment. depression. deep dark never ending expanse of hopelessness. a constant uphill battle. nothing i ever do is good enough. trying to dig a hole out of prison but every scoop i take out, 2 more pour back in. hoplessness. stupid. i thought i deserved to be happy. thought i had worked hard enough, studied hard enough, built enough karma to have some part of my life go well. *sigh* big heavy deep sigh* i want a therapist. they will tell me what i already know. clearest most rational mind in the world. most confused, broken, tattered heart in the universe. too smart to be happy. too much of a soul to not be. *another sigh* what am i supposed to do? theres no stability in my life. in any aspect of my life. im all for the struggle. believe me im a fighter. ive done and accomplished many things with and without the help of amazing people. i have talked myself out of depression, suicide, giving up my major, career. but im 23 and almost everyday of each of those years i have fought. so what now. how much longer til i get what ive earned? or is this all i deserve? hhmm surprisingly was able to articulate that well. i guess all u have in life are the things ur willing to fight for. well fuck u universe, i aint done fighting yet. uve tried to get rid of me, tried to turn my mind against my heart. but fuck u i have the mental and emotional instability to be able to separae the two. i will win. and one day i will have everythin ive ever dreamed of. because damn it i will fight for it. and i always fucking win man. fuck u.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

Growin up is hard

I envy you Peter, the boy who never grows up.  To play all day, and dream and imagine, and fly around with the freedom of the air.  Where your biggest worry in the world is fighting pirates, partying with indians and rescuing princesses.  How I wish I could stop time and live everyday like the biggest adventure of my life only to wake up the next morning to something even better.  But then I stop and think...how many times can you relive the greatest day of your life before it is just another day.  If every morning I were to wake up, fly into the sky and sword fight with Captain Hook would I get bored of it?  So often I spend my time reminiscing of the past, dwelling on those slivers of sunshine in my childhood, teenage, and college years pining for a time-turner to even relive that moment for just another moment.  But you know what I learned today.  Time stops for no man...or wo-man.  Why is it when we were kids life was so much more grand?  I mean pre-school? BEST TIME EVER! everyday was spent with your best friend, fights were resolved with "I feel ___ when you ___ I want___"  you got to eat what you want when you want (or at least 6 times a day).  we got scheduled nap time in the middle of school...like they scheduled a time for us to sleep! and learning was fun.  i learned to count with cards and toy pigs.  its also how i picked up math so fast ;)  The key to being happy as an adult is to see the happiness in your world as you did when you were a child.  So many societal/parental/communal pressures are put on us these days it's no wonder we're all un-freakin-happy.  School became about grades and percentages and kids have killed themselves over their inability to score 104% regardless of how much they've learned.  Sports became about whose winning versus whose playing.  Boys and girls were no longer friends unless there was "some ulterior motive."  I was told today by someone very special to me that I am too much drama.  I never really considered myself a fan of the dramatics but I have noticed that drama tends to follow me around.  You wanna know why?  It's cause I'm so god damn concerned about being the best adult I can be I've lost site of what used to make me happy.  You know I rarely smile now.  I mean sure I'll plaster one on but to genuinely smile is such a rare occasion for me I've almost forgotten what it feels like.  The warmth from the center of your heart that spreads through your whole body.  Smiling with your entire face, your ears, eyes, mouth, so big to the point where your cheeks hurt.  That feeling of pure and utter joy that makes you forget about world hunger and cancer and your rent.  All the problems in the universe melt away because in that moment, whatever just happened, is so emotionally bright that it lights up every corner of the dark spaces of your mind that you can't help but to not think of anything else.  Lord I miss that so much.

But you know what, having a reliable lease doesn't make me happy.  Making a shit ton of money doesn't make me happy.  Being able to pay all my bills on time and have some left over to spend and even more to save doesn't make me happy.  The thought of buying my first property doesn't make me happy.  The thought of fixing all my problems with my boyfriend DOESN'T make me happy.  Having my mother's approval doesn't make me freakin happy.  All the things that are stressing me out right now in my life aren't things I should be stressing about because even if they were perfect it wouldn't make me happy.  You know what does give me that warm fuzzy feeling?  Dancing with my friends in our pjs in our room makes me happy.  Watching gossip girl on monday night with other viewers who squeal at every "omg" moment like i do.  Cooking with my friends and reveling in our ability to make such a mess and such crappy looking food that tastes like it was made with love.  Snuggling with my boyfriend on the couch, feeling his arms around me and not needing a blanket because his warmth is enough to fill my soul.  Laying on the carpet in an amazing open space with high ceilings that makes me feel like my world goes on forever.  These things make me happy.  And it is these things i should concentrate and focus on and the only things in my life that should stress me out is when i don't have these things.  but they're so easy to get and that's the beautiful thing.  my friends are my friends because they want to make mac and cheese and watch america's got talent with me.  my boyfriend is my boyfriend because he wants to wrap his arms around me and protect me from the cold. my apartment is MY apartment because it provides a positive energy space that i would love to come home to.

and so it is the happiness i need to keep in my life and the things that wont make me happy i should not worry about...easier said than done right?

60 days

So it has been practically 2 months since I've last written and lots has changed.  I could lie and say I've been busy so I haven't been able to write...or I could lie and say I'm emotionally damaged so i couldn't write. honestly i think im depressed.  the other day i was hanging with a new friend and she said something that made me laugh so hard my sides started to hurt.  i had forgotten what it felt like to laugh, to smile, to socialize without faking it...any of it.  There was a brief moment of light in all the darkness, and every ray of metaphorical sunshine that penetrated the gray cloud that seems to follow me i  soaked up like an addict.  i tried to only think of the sun and forget about the sadness.  but there's only so long you can ignore the raindrops on your face.  In the last month I have drank myself to vomitting, broke out with shingles, pushed through a staph infection, found an apartment, started a new job, broke up with my mother, got dumped by my boyfriend...twice, turned down going out at least 4 times, and gained about 5lbs.  The rays of sun: moved to LA, got to hug my best friends, fell in love, sang karaoke, saw harry potter, had my boyfriend tell me he loves me. 

I'm sitting at my friend's place now typing this blog entry because my boyfriend does not want to see me.  He says it's because I never seem to want to take care of him.  Just typing that brings tears to my eyes.  I'm not a naturally affectionate person.  I don't really love people and when I do I don't know how to show it.  I don't hug people when they're sad, I don't say I love you out loud, I don't know how to bake or cook warm delicious food to make someone feel full and satisfied, I'm not cute or sweet or gentle or even kind.  The sun doesn't shine out of my ass.  I am abrasive, brutally honest, intolerant, aggressive and impatient (except with children).  I push people to fulfill their potential and I don't settle for anything less than what I believe they can achieve.  I give pep talks like a football coach, not a guidance counselor.  I am the master of tough love.  I am supportive in that I help people with things that they need.  If their financially unsettled I'll fill their fridge or take them to dinner.  If they need a drink I'll buy them one.  If they have a problem, I will try to fix it.  In many ways I show affection like a man, but I want to be treated like a woman.  I want flowers and romantic words.  I want someone to hold me when I'm sad, rejoice in my happiness.  I want someone sweet and kind and gentle.  someone who will treat me like i have feelings and that those feelings get hurt.  In fact I guess you can say I'm looking for a man who can love me in a way i cant love myself..or anyone else for that matter.  My current boyfriend says I don't care.  But he doesn't know how much I care.  I care so much it hurts me every moment I'm not with me.  I care so much that everytime I can't give him what he wants i feel like cutting myself.  I care so much I don't know even know what to do at this point other than cry and hope to the cosmic powers in the universe that somehow he knows just how much i love him.  I love him so much that the thought of us not living happily ever after brings tears to my eyes.  and i cry often these days. 

i imagine this life for us where we're both hopelessly in love and just spend every waking moment saying so.  i imagine us going dancing, jetsetting all over the world, discovering new places and having amazing adventures together.  i imagine us getting married and growing old together, how beautiful our kids would be and how they would be so grossed out by how much their parents love each other.  i imagine all these wonderful moments where we look into each other's eyes and just smile and the warmth that will travel through my body filling every crevice in my soul until i glow like the sun.  but thats just my imagination i feel in my heart. i know it won't happen, and i keep trying to push that thought from my mind but i just know.  i was meant to fall in love with him.  i was meant to be with him. and he was meant to break me heart. we weren't meant to be together forever.  i guess passion like that doesn't last very long no matter how much you will it to.

Semi-annual New Year's Resolution update

1. I will get my abs back...so help me god I will look amazing damn it!
ok so i have successfully not lost or gained any weight since jan lol...though goal this summer is to work out 3 times a week on mon, wed, fri...since i had class this morning, first workout will be friday...and i will look amazing for swim suit season

2. I will swear to celibacy (before u freak out and think im a reformed sinner let me clarify).  I will ONLY have sex with a guy if and only if we are actually dating.  Dating is qualified as 2 months of continual contact, dates, and actual feelings for each other.  SOOO for all you users out there (and deep down you know who you are) sorry but these legs are CLOSED.
so this has worked sort of.  currently dating a guy (slept with him after about a month) but he lives in LA so that means we "hang out" but only via phone...except for the one week he was up here...long story short it has been a tumultuous adventure that im hoping will end with us falling in love and living happily ever after...mostly cause im already starting to fall for him and im gonna have some serious egg on my face if this doesnt work out....*sigh* why can we all just get along come on now

3.  I will break even by 3/31 and save 70% of every paycheck starting 4/1. lord help me
Actually doing really well with this one, i have only had to "break into my savings" once this year for like $300 bucks...thats nothing! now that ive saved enough the new goal will be to invest the money into stocks and work on buying a new laptop cause this thing is a piece of doo doo

4. I will find a job in la or nyc...i will be picky and i will not settle for anything less than im worth.
ok job hunt is not going well at all...however i read a book about finding jobs in los angeles and have my work cut out for me...for the summer im going to be establishing direct contact with the heads of department for every facility i want to work in regardless of job availability...get them to know who i am so that when a job does become available they cant say theyve never heard of me.

5. I will save 1 day a week to myself.  That means no friends, no family, no nobody.  Just vivian, the sunshine, a cup of java and maybe a trip to the mall.
ok this was working up until last month lol. with all my vacations and babysitting on saturdays and ap testing i havent had a day to myself in a while...but i scheduled them this summer to be saturday and i dont have tutoring anymore so maybe ill get the whole weekend off! *GASP*

6.  I will start reading for pleasure again.  I miss it, so in an effort to culture myself I will read 1 book a month for the rest of the year.
The only month i have missed so far is may (im still about 50 pages from the end of my book) its only cause ive been busy! but i swear im gonna finish that and reading for june will be Picture of Dorian Gray which i heard is scary, depressing, and fabulous...im so excited!

7.  I will visit la at least 2 more times this year.  Friends are as important as family and should be treated as such, especially since yall are so darn close.
well i just went to la haha...so that is twice that ive been there this year so far and im going again next weekend so that hits my quota! and lets be honest ill probably be down there for july 4 but we'll see.

8.  I will not...REPEAT WILL NOT..let a boy make me cry this year.  I am totally awesome and as Aneea would say should never compromise myself.
ok i totally f-ed this one up. i have definitely let a boy make me cry this year. its so easy to pretend you dont care until you do and then all of a sudden the tables are turned and ur doing everything in ur power to not f up which of course is making u f up more...ugh i have not felt this helpless since the last time i got my heart crushed, i guess the only time ive gotten my heart crushed..what a traumatic event...not gonna let it slow me down, gotta tell this guy exactly what i want and how i feel and he can take it or leave it but at least i can say that i gave it everything i got.

9.  I will not give into the temptation of drink.  Everytime I think to myself "wow I could use a drink" I will put my glass down.  Drinking should be for pleasure not for relief. (although I fully believe I have lots to drink for)
have been GREAT i repeat FANTASTIC with this one.  have yet to throw up this year, yet to drink due to sorrow, and really have not been that drunk in any situation (except at rehab in vegas but lets be honest no one was sad at that pool party haha) i like this rule i think i may keep it forever.

10.  And lastly, I will not raise my voice at my mother this year.  That's right, you heard it hear first.  Knowing me this will be by far the hardest "resolution" for me to keep, but possibly the most important.  Fact: I love my mother.  Fact: She is a crazy bitch.  Fact: My mother loves me.  Fact: I will treat her like someone who loves me, not a crazy bitch (even though she is one...let's just reiterate that)
ok fact...mom is a crazy bitch who deserves to be yelled at.  ive only raised my voice a couple times but have never actually full on yelled at her..usually by the time i get that mad i just leave the apartment (which i have done several times) or she kicks me out....basically she told me the other day that she hates me so much and that i need to move out cause she cant live "like this" when i told her to specify she just stated "like this" yea...time to get out of dodge cause living with her has put a permanent cloud over my head and ice in my heart.