my name is victoria niles and i am a lovaholic

Is this life?  is this really what the universe entails for us?  a life of suffering, of give and take, push and pull.  moments of joy followed by moments of great sorrow.  people die who deserve to live and people live who dont even deserve the sweet relief of death.  my family are barely my friends and my friends are my only family.  everything is so messed up im as confused as i was when i was a little girl.  when i asked myself if this is really what life is do i want to be a part of it?  everyday crying, everyday struggling and fighting for something better...only to find that "something better" is really nothing at all.  i want love and peace and satisfaction in knowing that i have touched people and made their lives a little better.  its almost martyrdom.  like i feel the need to be in pain in order to make people happy.  but what about me, doesn't anyone care if im happy.  when am i gonna meet someone who will put me first, who values my happiness, who will bring a smile to my face.  love is such a peculiar emotion.  its portrayed as sweet, enveloping, warm, gentle yet passionate.  but love is also portrayed as tragic, depressing, to be almost worse than death.  i have felt the rays of love.  i have felt that connection with someone who changes your life forever.  footprints that can never be erased no matter how hard u try to forget them. they say its better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all.  i dont know who "they" are but clearly they have not had the honor to have loved and lost.  because anyone who tells u "im glad i loved him and he broke my heart, it was a great experience" is high off their ass...and i would like whatever it is that theyre taking.  coming off love is like going through withdrawal.  except theres no set time when the drugs are out of ur system.  it just lingers and lingers and lingers until either you move on...or u dont.  u want to move on just to end the suffering and the pain and so u can get through a workday without everyone at the hospital thinking ur mother just died.  but on that same note u dont want to move on because that would mean losing any sort of connection you have/had with that person to begin with.  remember when it was happy, when it was good, when the love covered you in a warm blanket like a towel fresh out of the drier.  remember when nothing was wrong, and everything was fabulous because u were in love and all you need is love!  remember when it hurt. remember the icy cold sting of rejection. remember when u realized that apparently u need a lot more than just love.  that disney rose-colored tint is gone and all thats left is harsh reality.  i remember when two people being together wasnt about money, or status, or societal pressure.  u liked someone because u liked them.  it didnt matter who they were, what they were.  remember when we didnt see looks or color or economical niche.  we just hung out with the people who made us happy, no pressure, no titles, no need to second guess their ulterior motives because the simple fact was they didnt have one.

i have loved and recently lost.  he says he still loves me but im hard pressed to believe him.  i feel that icy cold sting of rejection.  i feel the need to crawl into a small dark space and cry until the hurt stops.  i feel disappointed in love for letting me down.  i feel betrayed by society for making me feel like true love can happen in an instant and last forever.  i feel i dont want to be in a relationship, or get married, or be in love ever again because honestly i highly doubt it will be as awesome as i think it will be.  i see couples who are in their 80's that have been together since high school and it makes me want to stab myself in the face and cry.  thats like 70 years of being in love.  can u imagine! no wonder theyre still alive and kickin!  when i ask them whats their secret they tell me "i just couldnt imagine my life without him" followed by a "ur a sweet girl and very pretty.  im sure ull be snatched up in a jiffy"  and i have nothing to say so i  smile.  partially cause they used the word jiffy and also because i dont want to tell them that i highly doubt ill be "snatched up" anytime soon since apparently im not as awesome as i try to be.

*sigh* i REALLY thought i got it right this time.  Really thought i had actually found that one person worth fighting for, waiting for, dying for.  really thought he felt the same way about me. really thought we were gonna work and through all the pain it would bring us closer together.  i even thought i found someone to love and accept me for who i am, just the way i am.  as if i was good enough. just vivian. and i thought that our love would be enough to get us through anything.  but i was wrong.  he thinks im crazy, aggressive.  he thinks i need to see a therapist (as if thatll fix anything)  he says he loves me but cant deal with "situations like this"  i would like to point out i was upset at him correcting me all the time and finally couldnt take it anymore so i lashed out at him.  apparently this is an unforgivable offense and he thinks us being friends is the best thing for us.  newsflash love of my life, we can and never will be "just friends"  its too late.  far too late.  i do have a bad temper and when i lash out i can make grown men cry.  its a defense mechanism i learned as a child.  big bark, no bite.  i have a high tolerance for bullshit but i cant do it anymore.  he makes me so mad with his "it hurts me too" really, does it really, does it make u wanna crawl in a hole and die.im hurt im wounded i dont know what to do.

u know ppl tell me that everything will work out in the end.  please tell me the end is near.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

i feel so much right now im not sure exactly how to put it in words. u know what not even gonna try. anger. dissappointment. depression. deep dark never ending expanse of hopelessness. a constant uphill battle. nothing i ever do is good enough. trying to dig a hole out of prison but every scoop i take out, 2 more pour back in. hoplessness. stupid. i thought i deserved to be happy. thought i had worked hard enough, studied hard enough, built enough karma to have some part of my life go well. *sigh* big heavy deep sigh* i want a therapist. they will tell me what i already know. clearest most rational mind in the world. most confused, broken, tattered heart in the universe. too smart to be happy. too much of a soul to not be. *another sigh* what am i supposed to do? theres no stability in my life. in any aspect of my life. im all for the struggle. believe me im a fighter. ive done and accomplished many things with and without the help of amazing people. i have talked myself out of depression, suicide, giving up my major, career. but im 23 and almost everyday of each of those years i have fought. so what now. how much longer til i get what ive earned? or is this all i deserve? hhmm surprisingly was able to articulate that well. i guess all u have in life are the things ur willing to fight for. well fuck u universe, i aint done fighting yet. uve tried to get rid of me, tried to turn my mind against my heart. but fuck u i have the mental and emotional instability to be able to separae the two. i will win. and one day i will have everythin ive ever dreamed of. because damn it i will fight for it. and i always fucking win man. fuck u.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

Growin up is hard

I envy you Peter, the boy who never grows up.  To play all day, and dream and imagine, and fly around with the freedom of the air.  Where your biggest worry in the world is fighting pirates, partying with indians and rescuing princesses.  How I wish I could stop time and live everyday like the biggest adventure of my life only to wake up the next morning to something even better.  But then I stop and think...how many times can you relive the greatest day of your life before it is just another day.  If every morning I were to wake up, fly into the sky and sword fight with Captain Hook would I get bored of it?  So often I spend my time reminiscing of the past, dwelling on those slivers of sunshine in my childhood, teenage, and college years pining for a time-turner to even relive that moment for just another moment.  But you know what I learned today.  Time stops for no man...or wo-man.  Why is it when we were kids life was so much more grand?  I mean pre-school? BEST TIME EVER! everyday was spent with your best friend, fights were resolved with "I feel ___ when you ___ I want___"  you got to eat what you want when you want (or at least 6 times a day).  we got scheduled nap time in the middle of school...like they scheduled a time for us to sleep! and learning was fun.  i learned to count with cards and toy pigs.  its also how i picked up math so fast ;)  The key to being happy as an adult is to see the happiness in your world as you did when you were a child.  So many societal/parental/communal pressures are put on us these days it's no wonder we're all un-freakin-happy.  School became about grades and percentages and kids have killed themselves over their inability to score 104% regardless of how much they've learned.  Sports became about whose winning versus whose playing.  Boys and girls were no longer friends unless there was "some ulterior motive."  I was told today by someone very special to me that I am too much drama.  I never really considered myself a fan of the dramatics but I have noticed that drama tends to follow me around.  You wanna know why?  It's cause I'm so god damn concerned about being the best adult I can be I've lost site of what used to make me happy.  You know I rarely smile now.  I mean sure I'll plaster one on but to genuinely smile is such a rare occasion for me I've almost forgotten what it feels like.  The warmth from the center of your heart that spreads through your whole body.  Smiling with your entire face, your ears, eyes, mouth, so big to the point where your cheeks hurt.  That feeling of pure and utter joy that makes you forget about world hunger and cancer and your rent.  All the problems in the universe melt away because in that moment, whatever just happened, is so emotionally bright that it lights up every corner of the dark spaces of your mind that you can't help but to not think of anything else.  Lord I miss that so much.

But you know what, having a reliable lease doesn't make me happy.  Making a shit ton of money doesn't make me happy.  Being able to pay all my bills on time and have some left over to spend and even more to save doesn't make me happy.  The thought of buying my first property doesn't make me happy.  The thought of fixing all my problems with my boyfriend DOESN'T make me happy.  Having my mother's approval doesn't make me freakin happy.  All the things that are stressing me out right now in my life aren't things I should be stressing about because even if they were perfect it wouldn't make me happy.  You know what does give me that warm fuzzy feeling?  Dancing with my friends in our pjs in our room makes me happy.  Watching gossip girl on monday night with other viewers who squeal at every "omg" moment like i do.  Cooking with my friends and reveling in our ability to make such a mess and such crappy looking food that tastes like it was made with love.  Snuggling with my boyfriend on the couch, feeling his arms around me and not needing a blanket because his warmth is enough to fill my soul.  Laying on the carpet in an amazing open space with high ceilings that makes me feel like my world goes on forever.  These things make me happy.  And it is these things i should concentrate and focus on and the only things in my life that should stress me out is when i don't have these things.  but they're so easy to get and that's the beautiful thing.  my friends are my friends because they want to make mac and cheese and watch america's got talent with me.  my boyfriend is my boyfriend because he wants to wrap his arms around me and protect me from the cold. my apartment is MY apartment because it provides a positive energy space that i would love to come home to.

and so it is the happiness i need to keep in my life and the things that wont make me happy i should not worry about...easier said than done right?

60 days

So it has been practically 2 months since I've last written and lots has changed.  I could lie and say I've been busy so I haven't been able to write...or I could lie and say I'm emotionally damaged so i couldn't write. honestly i think im depressed.  the other day i was hanging with a new friend and she said something that made me laugh so hard my sides started to hurt.  i had forgotten what it felt like to laugh, to smile, to socialize without faking it...any of it.  There was a brief moment of light in all the darkness, and every ray of metaphorical sunshine that penetrated the gray cloud that seems to follow me i  soaked up like an addict.  i tried to only think of the sun and forget about the sadness.  but there's only so long you can ignore the raindrops on your face.  In the last month I have drank myself to vomitting, broke out with shingles, pushed through a staph infection, found an apartment, started a new job, broke up with my mother, got dumped by my boyfriend...twice, turned down going out at least 4 times, and gained about 5lbs.  The rays of sun: moved to LA, got to hug my best friends, fell in love, sang karaoke, saw harry potter, had my boyfriend tell me he loves me. 

I'm sitting at my friend's place now typing this blog entry because my boyfriend does not want to see me.  He says it's because I never seem to want to take care of him.  Just typing that brings tears to my eyes.  I'm not a naturally affectionate person.  I don't really love people and when I do I don't know how to show it.  I don't hug people when they're sad, I don't say I love you out loud, I don't know how to bake or cook warm delicious food to make someone feel full and satisfied, I'm not cute or sweet or gentle or even kind.  The sun doesn't shine out of my ass.  I am abrasive, brutally honest, intolerant, aggressive and impatient (except with children).  I push people to fulfill their potential and I don't settle for anything less than what I believe they can achieve.  I give pep talks like a football coach, not a guidance counselor.  I am the master of tough love.  I am supportive in that I help people with things that they need.  If their financially unsettled I'll fill their fridge or take them to dinner.  If they need a drink I'll buy them one.  If they have a problem, I will try to fix it.  In many ways I show affection like a man, but I want to be treated like a woman.  I want flowers and romantic words.  I want someone to hold me when I'm sad, rejoice in my happiness.  I want someone sweet and kind and gentle.  someone who will treat me like i have feelings and that those feelings get hurt.  In fact I guess you can say I'm looking for a man who can love me in a way i cant love myself..or anyone else for that matter.  My current boyfriend says I don't care.  But he doesn't know how much I care.  I care so much it hurts me every moment I'm not with me.  I care so much that everytime I can't give him what he wants i feel like cutting myself.  I care so much I don't know even know what to do at this point other than cry and hope to the cosmic powers in the universe that somehow he knows just how much i love him.  I love him so much that the thought of us not living happily ever after brings tears to my eyes.  and i cry often these days. 

i imagine this life for us where we're both hopelessly in love and just spend every waking moment saying so.  i imagine us going dancing, jetsetting all over the world, discovering new places and having amazing adventures together.  i imagine us getting married and growing old together, how beautiful our kids would be and how they would be so grossed out by how much their parents love each other.  i imagine all these wonderful moments where we look into each other's eyes and just smile and the warmth that will travel through my body filling every crevice in my soul until i glow like the sun.  but thats just my imagination i feel in my heart. i know it won't happen, and i keep trying to push that thought from my mind but i just know.  i was meant to fall in love with him.  i was meant to be with him. and he was meant to break me heart. we weren't meant to be together forever.  i guess passion like that doesn't last very long no matter how much you will it to.

Semi-annual New Year's Resolution update

1. I will get my abs back...so help me god I will look amazing damn it!
ok so i have successfully not lost or gained any weight since jan lol...though goal this summer is to work out 3 times a week on mon, wed, fri...since i had class this morning, first workout will be friday...and i will look amazing for swim suit season

2. I will swear to celibacy (before u freak out and think im a reformed sinner let me clarify).  I will ONLY have sex with a guy if and only if we are actually dating.  Dating is qualified as 2 months of continual contact, dates, and actual feelings for each other.  SOOO for all you users out there (and deep down you know who you are) sorry but these legs are CLOSED.
so this has worked sort of.  currently dating a guy (slept with him after about a month) but he lives in LA so that means we "hang out" but only via phone...except for the one week he was up here...long story short it has been a tumultuous adventure that im hoping will end with us falling in love and living happily ever after...mostly cause im already starting to fall for him and im gonna have some serious egg on my face if this doesnt work out....*sigh* why can we all just get along come on now

3.  I will break even by 3/31 and save 70% of every paycheck starting 4/1. lord help me
Actually doing really well with this one, i have only had to "break into my savings" once this year for like $300 bucks...thats nothing! now that ive saved enough the new goal will be to invest the money into stocks and work on buying a new laptop cause this thing is a piece of doo doo

4. I will find a job in la or nyc...i will be picky and i will not settle for anything less than im worth.
ok job hunt is not going well at all...however i read a book about finding jobs in los angeles and have my work cut out for me...for the summer im going to be establishing direct contact with the heads of department for every facility i want to work in regardless of job availability...get them to know who i am so that when a job does become available they cant say theyve never heard of me.

5. I will save 1 day a week to myself.  That means no friends, no family, no nobody.  Just vivian, the sunshine, a cup of java and maybe a trip to the mall.
ok this was working up until last month lol. with all my vacations and babysitting on saturdays and ap testing i havent had a day to myself in a while...but i scheduled them this summer to be saturday and i dont have tutoring anymore so maybe ill get the whole weekend off! *GASP*

6.  I will start reading for pleasure again.  I miss it, so in an effort to culture myself I will read 1 book a month for the rest of the year.
The only month i have missed so far is may (im still about 50 pages from the end of my book) its only cause ive been busy! but i swear im gonna finish that and reading for june will be Picture of Dorian Gray which i heard is scary, depressing, and fabulous...im so excited!

7.  I will visit la at least 2 more times this year.  Friends are as important as family and should be treated as such, especially since yall are so darn close.
well i just went to la haha...so that is twice that ive been there this year so far and im going again next weekend so that hits my quota! and lets be honest ill probably be down there for july 4 but we'll see.

8.  I will not...REPEAT WILL NOT..let a boy make me cry this year.  I am totally awesome and as Aneea would say should never compromise myself.
ok i totally f-ed this one up. i have definitely let a boy make me cry this year. its so easy to pretend you dont care until you do and then all of a sudden the tables are turned and ur doing everything in ur power to not f up which of course is making u f up more...ugh i have not felt this helpless since the last time i got my heart crushed, i guess the only time ive gotten my heart crushed..what a traumatic event...not gonna let it slow me down, gotta tell this guy exactly what i want and how i feel and he can take it or leave it but at least i can say that i gave it everything i got.

9.  I will not give into the temptation of drink.  Everytime I think to myself "wow I could use a drink" I will put my glass down.  Drinking should be for pleasure not for relief. (although I fully believe I have lots to drink for)
have been GREAT i repeat FANTASTIC with this one.  have yet to throw up this year, yet to drink due to sorrow, and really have not been that drunk in any situation (except at rehab in vegas but lets be honest no one was sad at that pool party haha) i like this rule i think i may keep it forever.

10.  And lastly, I will not raise my voice at my mother this year.  That's right, you heard it hear first.  Knowing me this will be by far the hardest "resolution" for me to keep, but possibly the most important.  Fact: I love my mother.  Fact: She is a crazy bitch.  Fact: My mother loves me.  Fact: I will treat her like someone who loves me, not a crazy bitch (even though she is one...let's just reiterate that)
ok fact...mom is a crazy bitch who deserves to be yelled at.  ive only raised my voice a couple times but have never actually full on yelled at her..usually by the time i get that mad i just leave the apartment (which i have done several times) or she kicks me out....basically she told me the other day that she hates me so much and that i need to move out cause she cant live "like this" when i told her to specify she just stated "like this" yea...time to get out of dodge cause living with her has put a permanent cloud over my head and ice in my heart.

please give me strength to fall

i was once asked, "how do u miss someone uve never hung out with?" have u ever met a person who instantaneously impessed u. whether it be with their smile, their demeanor, their words. one moment ur perfectly satisfied that there are no more interesting ppl in the world other than the ones u already know and then out of nowhere comes an indvidual who seems most intrigueing. and as u begin to talk all of a sudden u feel like their filling spaces of ur soul. spaces until then, u were convinced no longer existed (or simply ones u didnt know existed at all).  now normally when u miss someone its because u miss the time u spent together or the  fun things u used to do. but when u miss someone uve never hung out with its the strangest feeling. its like ur life is perfectly fine the way it is and then u realize ur missing something u never knew was there. i suppose thats what ppl mean when they say u find someone and u wonder how u ever lived without them. in short i met a man a little bit ago who has for lack of a better phrase, turned my world upside down. never have i met an individual so infuriating and yet irresistably charming. and i find myself asking why...why am i so into this guy if sometimes he makes me so upset. those who know me know that not that many ppl throw me off kilter. i have confidence in myself and know just how awesome i am. (not to sound too cocky). and i figured it out,ppl normally dont frusrate me because honestly i dont really care for their approval. whats frustrating is ive become so intoxicated with the desire for this guy that i find myself doing everything in my power to ensure his affection. its ctually changing who i am and now i fear in my endeavor ive actually screwed my chances of winning him over. ive been asking the cosmos to give me the strength to fall in love again, and here i am at the edge of a cliff with the potential of falling into eternal bliss and happiness and a golden freakin lake of love and something is holding me back. i am so terrified of stepping off into the abyss only to discover theres nothing but dirt at the bottom.  i am scared to death that im gonna fall in love with him and he is going to decide that i wasnt what he wanted, or worse that he could do better. ive had bfs in the past but i was always in control of my emotions. the one time i decided t let go i was dropped on my ass and it has taken me years to emotionally fully recover. and i honestly dont think i could be betrayed like that again and live to see another day.
in short i really really want to fall into ur arms but i am scared shitless u wont be there to catch me. so please be patient with me and please will someone please give me a push. i am falling for u, i just need the courage and reassurance to let go. <3

its time

its amazing all that money can bring. clothes, shoes, hanbags, trips of a lifetime and sometimes even companionship. when everything is dark it brings the light, and when times are hard it brings relief. money seems like the answer to all life's problems. to be able to have the whole world at your fingertips, to do what u want, buy what u want, and go wherever u want. these are all the joys that i thought money would bring me...and yet no amount of high heels or sun filled vacations can fill this void in my life.
i find myself sitting still alone in my car in the dark. the familiar taste of tears on my tongue and the smell of sadness, no despair, fill my nostrils forcing its way into my brain bringing back floods of memories and feelings i thought were long gone. money would get me my own space, money would get me the friends i never had, money would make my mother proud, money would make me someone ppl would want to be around. if only i had a great job and an awesome degree, then people would startpaying attention to me. if only i could walk around with a title and a paycheck then the stench of failure would wash away. that feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness, almost self loathing. why cant i be prettier, sweeter, smarter. why is my smile never white enough, my hair never blonde enough, my height never tall enough, and my weight just never enough.
despite the job and the money, im still living under my mother's iron fist. still when i look up, the people i love are not there, still when i wake up i feel suffocated by my expectations and being unable to meet them. somehow its like i never grew up, never progressed. i jumped the nest so excited to finally stretch my wings and fly away, away to a new land of possibilities, freedom, and utter ecstasy. i open my eyes and instead im plummeting head first toward the earth. the ground is approaching quickly, and with each passing day i feel the pressure of my impending doom looming before me. it wont be long now before the floor and i become bffs. time to catch some air viv, before its too late.